I think I say "feelings" about a million times in this post. Good gravy.:)
So yesterday was pretty disquieting in our home. Basically a million things were going all wrong and Clair was stressed beyond the max.
ALSO, as I have mentioned before, at this point in my pregnancies I go through a sort of emotional climax/purge type thing. This requires the emotions to actually COME OUT. VERY difficult for me. I have definitely been the type to hold in things until they burst, my whole life. Dealing with feelings that aren't happy just doesn't feel very good. And in my life there has been way too many negative feelings to deal with.
ANYWAYS, so yesterday totally stunk.
Rewind to Sunday night.
I had a blessing where I was promised that the Lord would super be with me the next day and that I would find healing in strange places.
So Yesterday(Monday), whilst going through all these super stressful and hard things I kept thinking about my blessing, and how the heck was it applying itself?
I remember at one point of the day I was just really feeling like if I could just cry really hard then I would feel SO MUCH BETTER. I was also feeling a whole bunch of feelings about whether or not I was feeling emotionally ready to have this baby. My labors stall really easy or just don't start until I am at a certain readiness point. Not everyone is like that, but I for sure am. Alice's labor is a really good example of that. Her labor kept stalling and stalling and stalling, and finally I had a seriously good cry and talk with my doula and BJ was finally free from the kids and was able to be by my side permanantly for the rest of the labor, and then it was active labor from there! It was amazing!
Anyways, yesterday I was feeling that a lot of this stress and some fears I was having about everything was holding back the process of this baby coming. I really just needed to cry good and hard and let it all out. But I hate crying! And I just couldn't do it.
And then the day just kept getting worse and worse and WORSE.
UNTIL I FINALLY CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED.
And after I was done crying my blessing came back to me and it all of a sudden hit me.
The two things that stuck out to me in my blessing:
1.Heavenly Father was going to be close to me all day.
2.I would find healing in strange places.
Well, I was FOR SURE thinking about Heavenly Father all day. Sometimes in a, "Where are you?" way, but definitely thinking about Him. I prayed a ton yesterday, with great effort on sincerity. I also put in some churchy music at one point to help me calm the crazy down. I really felt yesterday that ME thinking about HIM was going to be a huge part of feeling He was close. I can't explain that perfectly well.:)
And HE WAS THERE. Right by me, all day. Even when I was having a hard time feeling it.
And I super know He was there because of the second thing in the blessing.
I felt so sick and crazy all day yesterday. My anxiety just kept mounting and mounting and mounting. I was literally shaking at one point I was so stressed out. And then I cried. And I felt millions better, and so relieved. (My Saint Bernhard also made some really important calls that miraculously made some progress with some of the stresses<----this also helped a lot!:). But the crying was the really big key. <----healing. And the only way I was going to be able to cry yesterday was by the day getting more and more lame apparently.<-----healing in strange places.
SO, this is what I learned from yesterday:
-It is so much better to trust in the Lord than to get angry and eat ice cream for lunch(I tried those too, it made me feel SO SICK. BAD CHOICE. At least for me.:))
-Sometimes I get really frustrated that so many people seem to get so much relief from junk food and swearing when they are upset, and I just feel like crap when I try those things. Not even in a guilty way, just in a really, that made me feel worse way. Maybe I am swearing wrong?;)
-Trusting in Heavenly Father was super hard. Especially because I could not see how His way was going to work. But it was the ONLY way the day was able to get better, and let me progress. By the end of yesterday I felt a million better. There were so many blessings at the end of yesterday. People were prompted to say certain things to me, or do some service that I didn't know we needed. I know that these are all huge blessings inspired by heaven. I am so grateful to be surrounded right now by people who pray to be inspired, and who follow those promptings once they receive them.
-I have been super struggling with the end of this pregnancy and being ok with it ending. Because of how the Lord worked my day I was able to finally feel totally ok with this baby coming. I even walked all the way up to campus last night to see if we could have a Pioneer Day baby today.;) The entire walk I felt so much peace and gratitude. After such a crazy horrible day how was that possible?!? It was possible because Heavenly Father is real and smarter than me. He knew exactly what I needed, and helped me even when I couldn't see the way and had basically no hope or faith left in me to get through these stressful things.
So my children are starting to climb and grab and need at this very second, so I can't really keep concentrating on writing, but I really wanted to record this experience for me. This has been a milestone in this pregnancy for me, and I feel really grateful. Yesterday was so hard. SO HARD, but I got through it. Heavenly Father had a plan for yesterday all along. I just needed to trust in Him.:)
Happy Pioneer Day!!! Or Happy Tuesday to everyone outside of Utah!:)
QUESTION: Have you ever had an experience where you had an answer to prayer or a blessing where you were like, "How the crazy is that going to work, or solve the problem?!" And then it was just exactly what you needed?:)
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