Only ONE thing on my mind today. NOURISH.

NOURISH:verb. To provide with the materials necessary for life and growth(Collins English Dictionary)

Synonyms: feed, supply, sustain, nurture, encourage, support, maintain, foster, cultivate, cherish

Yesterday was Jane's ballet recital.  I don't know what it is about recital days, but it really is a WHOLE day thing.  I didn't exercise yesterday.  I didn't take hardly any of my herbs.  I didn't have any really RESTING time.  We ate fast food twice and I spent the bulk of the day running recital errands with my three babies, and driving. SO MUCH DRIVING. And it was hot.  And I didn't drink really any water. At all really.

Yesterday Jane had a really beautiful day of excitement.  I was so excited too.  She got to have a dress rehearsal on stage. SHE LOVES BEING ON STAGE.  She got to pick out flowers for her teacher.  She also wanted to give her teacher a Jesus card(which was SUPER cute, but made me anxious, you never want to offend people! And then it made me ashamed I was worrying about her sweet gesture. Poor little mother.:). Jane also got to pick out some pink lipstick, and wear make up for the performance.  She NEVER gets to wear make up except for performances and for Halloween sometimes.  Jane got to wear sparkly clothes and have lots of Mum and me moments.  She was so beautiful and I was so happy and proud of her.  She loves to express herself through dance and it is absolutely magical to watch.:)

Yesterday I did a whole bunch of babies first mothering. Yesterday at the end of the day I FELT HORRIBLE.  I started..s.tuttering....and gazing off into nothing whilst trying to talk to people...and...yup....I had nothing basically.

TODAY I made it a mother first day.  You know why?  Because days like yesterday need to be rare, or else the family stops functioning.  I have such a strong testimony that mothers need to take care of them first if they want to be able to be all they want to be for their family.  I have lived both lives(babies first mothering, and mother first living) and only one way works on an everyday basis, and that is the mother first living.

Today I took my herbs. Today I ate MUCH healthier.  Today I am drinking water.  Today I didn't get to exercise, but I will.:)  Today I am listening to my body very closely and monitoring its needs.  My kids are still happy.  Today they are SO CUTE.  Jane and Denny are playing house.  He is wearing his "daddy outfit" and Jane is the mom, and they have a baby with some serious needs!  It is so hilarious to see them act out their family.  Their baby has pooped and peed everywhere.  Their baby needs Daddy most, and cries REALLY loud.  Today is a mother first day, but the kids are still happy and fed and taken care of. Cause I took care of me first.

NOURISH. Nourish yourself so you can take care of others please. The only time I disagree with this as a general rule(like I said, there are exception days like recital days) is when I am on an airplane and they talk about putting your oxygen mask on first.  I always lean over to BJ and tell him he can put his on first, but I am putting the kids on first and then me.:) 

NOURISH. Please take care of yourself.  It is SO MUCH MORE BALANCING than you would think. And enjoy it.  I put on green clay face masks at night at least once a week.  It is a good idea and makes me feel pampered. I enjoy my children SO MUCH more and can handle the crazy times that come with these destroying angels SO MUCH more when I take care of myself first.

CALL TO ACTION! Take care of yourself today.  Do at least one thing YOU need. Take a moment to listen to your body and your soul to know what that means to you. You will be so much more peaceful and happy today if you do!!!

Don't let life be a blur! Take time out for yourself so you can ENJOY life!!(this caption makes me feel better that none of the performance pictures came out....:) It is also true.:))

Perhaps not so well written, but I AM writing again.:)

Things are happening here
change is occurring in real ways
dreams are being realized

CLAIR is waking up
finding herself again

why now?
why here?
what is different?

life is so much more real in this moment
life is how I imagined it to be

so grateful
so happy
so peaceful and content

*****

I have not written a real post in awhile.  So many thoughts and feelings, but most of them are happy! And they are so very personal.  And as much as these precious thoughts matter to me, do they matter to others? And if they are too happy, don't people sometimes pass you off as insincere or gosh, she doesn't get real life? Cause real life can be really hard you know?  I know *I* know.

Right now, in our home, life is very good. Crazy blessings are happening. Change, real progress, dreams becoming our everyday.I have no idea why. Especially why NOW.  I know we have been working so hard for SO LONG. But it also feels like we have so much further to go.  It isn't like a lot of our friends who are done with school, and are buying houses.  We are still right in the middle of all that process.  But things are just really amazing, for no apparent reason.  It is magical!:)

Life is magical right now.:)

SO, I am going to start writing again, and tell you about it. It might be boring. I have to admit I want everyone to love me and love what is inside me that I share.  I won't worry about that so much anymore though.  This blog is mostly for me as a writing practice in learning how to communicate what is inside me. AND if people like to read it, I am just going to be very happy and excited about that to tell you the truth.:)

So here we go.  My first post on this blog was about my finding my voice again.  It is time to use that voice to share the beauty in my life right now. I am so excited. I have always been so inspired by the beautiful lives of others.  I love a hard working life.  I love a life full of magical moments.  I love reading about others experiencing this. And now I feel like *I* get to be one of those people. 

I know SO MANY incredible women. FOR REAL. And it occurred to me the other day: Do people think I am like those women that I think totally rock? Like, could *I* be inspiring? Could *I* be someone to look up to(in a manner of speaking of course, I am only 5 foot tall.:)?  Could people be looking at me and my life and see something they want in theirs?  I want to be that woman.  I have ALWAYS dreamed of being that woman, ever since I was a small girl, and I think I am starting to believe I COULD be that woman, if I wanted to. I don't think the women that inspire others hardly ever realize they are doing it. 

Why can't we believe in our awesomeness as individual women?

I was talking to a friend the other day about how it is so interesting that we can talk about how we are "faithful" or "loyal" or any other good trait, but we can't really talk about how we are "humble." Maybe here is where my answer to the above question is.  Maybe we can't feel that we are inspiring to others and that we are the awesome women that we are because it feels prideful. 

I think we need to realize our awesomeness MORE.  I think we need to recognize the amazingness in ourselves MORE.  It is there FOR REAL. I think Heavenly Father wants us to know it and feel it and live it. I think He wants us to PRAY to know it and feel it and live it.

Even if we just inspire ourselves.:) I think this is a really important thing. And it is A LOT less narcissistic than it sounds.:)

Today's Question: Do you feel that you inspire others? Is there something you would like to inspire in others?  What do you want others to know about life and truth and beauty?  What inspires YOU in others? Who do you want to be? It is totally in your hands you know.:) Maybe write these thoughts down in your journal today, and know yourself better.:)

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:
My handsome and handy husband built me a custom counter/hutch this last holiday weekend and I want to paint some kind of saying on the counter part.  Here are my ideas(feel free to share your thoughts and ideas in the comments:):

-For the love of my life. Bernhard and Clair Forever
-Hamaker Homestead est...
-HamkerLove!(established....?)
-OHMYGATOR FOOD
-I pity the fool who leaves a mess on this counter!
-Eat to live! Don't live to eat!
-YOUR MOM(this is a super inside joke having to do with neither of our moms, it is just something funny between BJ and I:)
-Veggies, Fruits, Whole Grains, Nuts, and Seeds.(that is the Dr.Christopher motto at my school.:)
-NOURISH
-Jane says we should paint a rainbow on it with our family underneath the rainbow.
-We could also just all put our handprints on it, that would be cute.:)

Muffins to the MAX!!!

Hope you can read this. IT IS AMAZING. Crazy Dave's Muffin Recipe he gave me.  He made the changes on the recipe.  We have also made a few changes.  We used freshly ground wheat instead of all purpose flour(did you know flour goes bad in about two days of processing?:), we also used coconut oil instead of vegetable oil, and I added ground clove, and we used raw honey instead of brown sugar.

FORGOT TO MENTION: we used almond milkinstead of skim

ENJOY!

Nesting Party:)

So we are expecting BJHamaker Baby #4 this summer, and I am starting to SUPER get excited and am in serious planning/dreaming mode.:) 

Our first baby was a girl, and our second was a boy so I had a baby shower for each.  By then I had basically everything we needed baby wise. So for our third darling one we still wanted to celebrate her coming, but not with a baby shower....SO I had a "nesting party".  Basically I had a few fun projects I wanted to get done before she came and invited all my dearest friends over to come and help me.  It was also very much a celebration of my motherhood AND a celebration and THANK YOU to all my dearest friends who had helped me through such a difficult pregnancy.

We had YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY food, and I had a henna artist come and beautify my tummy and everyone else's hands or ankles if they chose.  We addressed all my baby announcements, made a special quilt, and made cute flower clips for Alice.  I also had everyone who had come sign Alice's baby book on the inside cover(like a year book), and that was REALLY neat and special.  I love reading the well wishes and love that all those women have for me and my little family.

Anyways, I have begun to plan THIS baby's nesting party and I am getting REALLY EXCITED!!!! I think I am going to have to have three because there are too many people I want to come(basically the whole town of Provo and then some....:), and my house is no where near big enough.:)

Anyways, here is the post I posted on our old family blog about Alice's nesting party.  Super fun.:)  Excuse the tummy if you think the henna art is scandalous.  I gotta tell you.  In that late stage of pregnancy I felt like SUCH A QUEEN having my tummy all gorgeous like that.  I haven't been able to find a henna artist in town that I like, but I found a kit on Etsy, and I think my artistic husband will get the privilege this time round. Sounds kind of romantic to me.:) I am not normal.:)

Enjoy! And if you are within 100 miles of my current residence I expect you to come to this years bash(es)!!! Details coming!

http://www.hamakerlove.blogspot.com/2009/06/little-bird-little-bird.html

Color me happy:)

I wanted to name this post: TODAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES!!!..or rather today while I am SO GRATEFUL FOR CLOUD COVER!!

But that title actually has nothing to do with this post, I just REALLY wanted to use it.:)  Last night was SO HOT! I am SO GRATEFUL for a cool cloudy morning.:)  I WILL TAKE IT!:)

*****
Yesterday the TV broke for a few hours.  I think it was an act of God.  That really happened one other time to me as a youth.  I was a teen with a tiny TV in my bedroom watching who knows what till who knows what hour.  I kept getting promptings that I should go to sleep.  IT WAS LATE.  Like WAY past 2am late. I kept ignoring such promptings....and then the TV broke.  It just turned off for NO REASON.  The next morning it was perfectly fine again.  I think the Lord was taking charge of his rebellious daughter in that moment.

Yesterday I learned a different lesson.  Or rather, I was reminded of something I needed to be reminded of. 

While it is AWESOME on sick days to have the option of TV, it is not always THE BEST option. And it is for sure not THE ONLY OPTION.

Yesterday when the TV broke temporarily, I did not panic, but I was like, "LAME." Alice was sick and recovering from bad dehydration.  I would probably have cranky kids ALL DAY while I was trying to take care of her and them.

Instead, you know what happened? THEY found paper.  THEY found color crayons.  AND THEY thought of drawing pictures of our family.  Hello Mom! Duh!

Alice drew a circle with scribbles inside and said it was my tummy with Heidi Rose inside.:)

Denny drew a picture of himself as a ghost. With one big foot and one little foot....because he thought that was FUNNY! I thought it was funny too.:)

Jane drew the masterpiece of the day.  She drew all of us, including Heidi Rose, who she was holding in the picture(SO DARLING!), AND she wrote all our names above us.  Not perfectly, and with a tiny bit of help from mom, but most of the names she did herself.

TV can be a nice option.  DRAWING PICTURES IS BETTER. I am grateful for the remembrance.  It doesn't mean we won't be ever watching TV again. Or that drawing pictures is ALWAYS going to be the better option.It means that I can remember that I have options besides the tv that don't take up hardly any of my energy, which is REALLY important lately as I have been trying to get the house in order and make a baby at the same time.:)

Yesterday I remembered that their ARE options.  And I remembered how dear these sometimes DESTROYING angels are.:) I remembered other things too, but this was the main lesson.:)

I am so grateful for a patient Heavenly Father who is there to teach my how to be a better parent everyday. It is nice to know I don't just have to wing it everyday.:)

Today's Challenge: Post favorite activities you have with your kids that don't involve technology(TV, computer, etc).  What were YOUR favorite things to do as a kid?  Happy Wednesday!!!

My Alice.:)

Today ALL my thoughts are about my Alice Michaela and how much I love her.

Let me introduce you to my "little brown bunny", my "rosie posie" girl.:)

THIS is Alice.

THIS is BRAVE Alice. So brave! Except when it comes to bugs.;)

THIS is Alice the FIERCE.  She is the QUEEN of scowl and seriously gives Anakin Skywalker a run for his money in that department. TO THE MAX.:)

THIS is Alice the delightful and darling.

THIS is Alice my princess and queen of my heart.:)

THIS.....

AND THIS is the miracle that Alice was in my life.:)

Alice Michaela was conceived just ten weeks after my son Denny was BORN.  It was NOT a planned pregnancy.  At least it wasn't planned by ME! It WAS planned by the most loving and kind and KNOWING Heavenly Father. 

Alice's pregnancy was THE HARDEST thing I have ever gone through in every sense.  I lost myself, my health, my testimony to some degree, and I almost lost my perspective on what this life is really about.

I heard "your life is hard" and "I could never do that" almost everyday of that pregnancy from well-meaning, trying to validate the seemingly horribleness of my life, people. They did their best and convinced me. I felt the hardness to the max and became really bitter.  I had a 2 year old and a brand new baby and a baby on the way.  What should have been a sweet miracle in our lives became a nightmare because I believed it to be.

I stopped wanting to be around people and to go to church because I was tired of the negative validation.  This was DEFINITELY a time when validation was a bad thing, and I did not even want it!  I wanted hope! And real comfort!  I wanted truth. 

I had a very few friends who listened to me when I expressed this need and totally made that pregnancy happen.  I had a husband who was such a serious trooper. Denny had severe teething trials and I think BJ was up every night for that whole first year comforting him.  I had a midwife and doula who believed in me and the power I had inside me to get through this pregnancy and birth and who never failed at telling me so.

AND THEN ALICE CAME.

And it was the most interesting experience!! She did not feel like OURS.  When Jane and Denny were born they immediately felt like they were MY children.  But Alice felt like this really special gift from God the second she was born.  I hadn't felt that AT ALL her entire pregnancy.  And in reflection, I wonder if I could have felt those precious feelings if I had been focusing on the positive and true instead of the negative and false about Alice coming into our family.

Alice was this precious angel baby that we felt almost a sacredness about. With Jane and Denny, if their pacifier fell on the floor we would pop it in our mouth(to "sanitize" it:) and then pop it back in theirs.  With Alice we felt like we needed to go REALLY clean it in the sink.  She had a really special spirit of reverence about her.  It was really incredible to experience that as a mother. It really woke my spirit up about the reality of the beauty of the situation I was in.

I went from thinking that being pregnant with Alice was the most horrible thing that could happen to a Clair.  To knowing that Alice was EXACTLY what our family needed.  Exactly what I needed to heal my life.

All the logic of Alice coming points to lameness.  It was hard in every way physically, emotionally, etc.

Having a 2.5 yr old, an 11month old, and a new born should be the worst idea ever!

How can you find peace and healing in that kind of situation?

In reflection, I have NO IDEA, but that is what happened.  With Alice coming I found peace.  With Alice coming I regained truth into my life again. With Alice coming into our family I found my faith again.

Alice is a tough cookie.

She is the QUEEN of scowl.  She is powerfully willed and the most darling thing.

I remember looking into her face in those first few hours of life and thinking how incredibly beautiful this darling rose was.  We almost named her Juliet or Helen(like Helen of Troy) because she just struck us so much as the kind of princess men would go to battle for.:)

I love ALL my babies, but today the tender parts of my heart lean to Alice.

I just am so grateful Heavenly Father is more in charge of my life than me.:)

Today I am grateful to the max for the miracle of Alice.:)

Today's Question: Who is in your heart today?  Who are you SO GRATEFUL for today?  Have you ever had an experience that you thought was totally the end of the world, but ended up surprising you and being EXACTLY what heaven is? Happy Tuesday!!



Word.

This last weekend and today have been all about WORDS for me.

Thinking about words.  They can be a really good thing. Hearing I love you from your babies or sweetheart or Mom.:)  Talking about our dreams and passions with our BFF's.:)  Making bright plans for the future with your Beloved.  Spreading the good news of God.  Words can rock!

Words can also super stink.  "Eating Crow" and "foot in the mouth syndrome" SUPER come to mind.

Words can uplift us to amazing heights or make us sink into the pits of despair.

This last few days I have used words to communicate love to my family. Today I used words with REALLY GOOD INTENTIONS that led to SERIOUS foot in the mouth regrets. (palm to the forehead FOR REAL). During the weekend my Beloved and I used words in less than savory ways to try and communicate our hurt feelings, and then used our words to make up and speak truths that are eternal.:)

Words and truth.  Those go together in a big way.

I have been thinking a lot about truth.  And a lot about confidence.  Did you know they are related?

I once asked BJ how he gained his confidence.  What does he do or think or feel to be so confident. 
His reply surprised me.

He said that to be confident all you have to do is be perfectly honest with yourself and with others.

Now I am SERIOUSLY a genuine person.  I hate secrets.  I hate lying.  I hate manipulation.

BUT at the time of this conversation with BJ I realized that I was not a confident person. If I don't do those other things, doesn't that mean I am completely honest?

Come to find out the answer was NO.

Even though I didn't lie to people, I did hold back WAY TOO OFTEN. I wouldn't stick up for myself.  I wouldn't say what was on my mind in important conversations. I would agree to things I didn't want to.  I would give in and let people do things around me that made me unhappy.  I would say I would love to babysit your crazy kids, when really I would be too tired and didn't want to.That is what I HAD been doing about 6 months ago.  AND I DON'T ANYMORE.  Or at the very least it is SERIOUSLY RARE.  And my confidence is WAY....at least improved.:)

It is so interesting to me what we feel we can't talk about or be honest about with each other.  ESPECIALLY WITH OTHER WOMEN.

So now when I don't want to or emotionally/physically/etc can't do something I don't.  I say no.  When I wonder what someone is thinking about me, I ask.:) When someone is offering to watch my kids and I wonder if they are just being nice, instead of just feeling awkward, I ask them what is motivating them. And then it isn't awkward anymore.  I wish I could think of better examples so you could understand what I mean better.:) 

I still believe in tact.  I still believe we carry a heavy responsibility to use our freedom of speech in appropriate ways.  But I am more honest.  And it is so freeing. It is confidence building to the max. It is good to not be afraid to say what you are feeling and thinking.  It feels good to be open and unafraid.  It builds better relationships and seriously lessens miscommunication oppurtunites. WHICH IS MY FAVORITE. Thumbs up!!! 

Today's Challenge: BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS TODAY.  If you have questions, ask them.  If you have something to say, say it! Listen to the spirit, but don't hold back.  Try it out.  It is so interesting what you will find out about yourself. :)

Life after validation....or what Baby Charlotte reminded me.:)

I have been SERIOUSLY struggling with something this week, and I think I need to blog about it today.  It is about LIFE AFTER VALIDATION or the lack of it on the internet.

A few weeks ago I was having a super hard day.  I don't remember why.  I remember praying a lot.  I remember partaking of delicious chocolates.  I remember still struggling to the max with whatever was making me feel awful.  BJ came home eventually, and I was still cranky to the max.  He even brought home dinner and took away the children.  STILL FELT HORRIBLE. Finally I went onto facebook for the millionth time that day seeking....what?  I don't know.  Something to make me feel better. Hope?  I don't know that that was what I was CONSCIOUSLY looking for, but I think subconsciously I was.

You know what I found?  One of my favorite people in the world ALSO having the worst day ever.  NEEDING chocolate ice cream. I could do that. I knew in my heart I NEEDED to bring her ice cream.  The spirit whispered to my heart that the answer to my struggles was in this task of bringing chocolate ice cream to my friend.

So I left my house as quickly as possible, and got some ice cream at the store and went to my friend's house.  She was so happy to see me.  That felt good.  It felt good to make someone else feel good when I felt completely horrible inside.  I think my husband would have appreciated me giving HIM that kind of effort, but what I needed was a SISTER.  I needed to make someone LIKE ME feel good. And it was more than the ice cream and the togetherness we felt through our horrible days that I needed.  Though I didn't know it yet.

I gave her the ice cream and took her crying baby in my arms and we went and poured out our horrible days to each other.  VALIDATION I think is what most women call this activity.  We validated the hard parts of our lives in the moment.  That felt pretty good, but it wasn't what the spirit was talking about when it prompted me to go see my friend.

You see validation only goes so far.  Life is hard. This we KNOW.  We get it.  WE TALK ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY. ALL THE TIME.  On facebook, in blogs, in comments on yahoo.  Women seem to really revel in validation.  And I get it.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE feeling understood.  I crave it to the max. 

The problem is is that women seem to love validation so much that they decide to set up camp and live in that seemingly "comforting" and "happy" world.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE IS LIFE AFTER VALIDATION?!?!?!?! 

That is what I found out next at my friends house, and the message came in the most surprising way.

You see.  I got to hold Baby Charlotte.  Baby Charlotte is one of the sweetest girls in the whole world.  She had been really uncomfortable and crying all day.  Wearing herself out, wearing out her poor momma who just wanted everything to be OK with her family for just a bit so she could do what she needed to do as a person/momma/woman/etc...No rest for the weary is the validation part of being mom.  I totally was feeling that that day in my own house of insanity.:) 

Baby Charlotte had the real message though.  Because you see, validation is only PART of the message of life. 

When I was holding that crying baby I remembered I had to calm down first for her to calm down.  So I started breathing again(I think I had been huffing and puffing all day:).  I started whispering comforting things to her(and me).  I began to feel her sweet spirit and to feel that connection with heaven that new babies bring with them. I began to feel THE SPIRIT.  I began to be open to truth.

The truth is: Life is hard.  IT IS. BUT through the struggles there is more beauty than anything we could imagine.  That as moms we aren't so much sacrificing sleep, our personalities, clean clothes, etc...but something more.  The sacrifices we make in this life as women and wives and mothers have nothing to do with this life really.  The sacrifices we make are eternal.  We give up our pride, our wanting things to be easy so we can all make it to heaven without having to do anything hard or difficult.  It isn't the fact that because we CHOSE free agency that now we need to just man up to the hard times. 

The things Charlotte told me through her spirit were things not worldly, not temporal.  I am not a mom because I want to enjoy the few happy moments in the all the billions of hard times.  The things the spirit spoke of were hope and joy and positivity. And that is REAL. That is TRUTH. That is what I want to fill my life and thoughts up with.  Not because I enjoy being a corny Pollyanna, but because that is TRUTH.  Life is hard....AND THEN I move on to LIFE IS AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL and it is UP TO ME to see it.  Nobody can make me see it.  Validating the hard parts won't make me see it.  Even the spirit couldn't make me see it, UNTIL I CHOSE TO.  The spirit had to get me to a place(holding that angel) to be in a place where TRUTH could finally be whispered to me.

(It is difficult to explain the things the spirit told me.  The spirit told me things FOR ME.  The spirit might have told you different things that would have been what you needed to hear in that moment.:)

It wasn't that my friend and I felt better because we both have to have hard times and isn't it just so hard?  It was, for me at least, isn't it great we get to be sisters together through this experience of crazy life?  It is so hard sometimes, but then we get to be together and enjoy the spirit together.  We get to buoy each other up, not just through validation, but laughter and hope and truth and real reality. 

I wish women could experience this more.  This life after validation.  The WHOLE message of what this life can be about if we choose.  I wish we communicated our hard times in more uplifting ways.  YES, lets validate our hard times so we don't feel alone, but PLEASE let it just be for the moment, and then let us finish the message with truth. THE WHOLE TRUTH. 

When I began to crawl out of the last dark horrible years, the change wasn't caused by life getting better.  The change came by me accepting truth into my life when it was hard to believe it.  Hearing that life is good sometimes super sucks when you are going through hard, super dark times, but it is still TRUE. And filling our lives with the spirit is what is going to affect change in our lives.  Validation can be the beginning.  Even in the scriptures the Savior validated that life was indeed super hard to the extreme at times, but He always ended with HOPE.  With TRUTH.  With THE WHOLE PICTURE.

As women we have, I believe, the MOST POWER TO DO GOOD and TO INFLUENCE GOOD in this world.  Through our children, through our husbands, through our blogs....etc.:)  We need to wield that power of good to not only validate but to lift and inspire each other.  Let's PLEASE validate for minute and lift and inspire for an hour. And not visa versa. 

Stephanie Nielson's new book HEAVEN IS HERE is SO the perfect example of what I am talking about.  Even when she is talking about her DARKEST times(and good grief, 80% of her body was burned, she lost months out of her conscious life, her children didn't recognize her anymore and had a hard time being around her for a long time....etc....)she still communicated in a way that was uplifting.  We need to learn how to do that. *I* want to learn how to do that.:)

Baby Charlotte reminded me of deep and tender feelings I have about this life and what my purpose here is.  I won't share it all, because for each of us those things are unique and individual.  But they are important.  And they only come after we move beyond the validation.:)

Today's Challenge: Spread something positive out into the world!  Beauty, truth, upliftingness:), joy, etc!!! It feels good and is contagious!:)

A New Day is Dawning:)

I have been experiencing some serious miracles in my life because of the herbs I am taking lately. 

I am not filled with anxiety anymore all the time.
I am able to actually get things done during the day(not a lot, but WAY more than normal:).
I feel SO MUCH MORE RELAXED all the time.
My energy is going up.

With all those incredible things I still wake up cranky and tired in the morning. And I think there are reasons, unrelated to the herbs I am taking, that is affecting that cause.

I wake up and read facebook instead of my scriptures. I think I look at facebook first thing because I want a quick boost.  I want to read something uplifting and funny.  I want to high five a friend and feel that happy feeling that knowing you have awesome people in your life makes you feel.  Lately, there has been stuff posted that just makes me sad and yucky feeling and negative.  I think if I read something TRULY, for real uplifting first in my day, those other things wouldn't bring me down so much.  I think I am extra vulnerable in the morning.  I KNOW I am extra vulnerable in the morning.

I don't set a time to get up in the morning for myself.  I just am not sure when I should get up right now in my pregnant circumstances, and what exactly I "should" be doing every morning.  Sleeping in as long as possible(usually getting up at 9am, not too late!:) sounds good to me. But on the rare morning I have forced myself(and it really does take FORCING) out of bed earlier I have found that I am a happier person LATER during the day.:)  When I wake up my body hurts all over, the herbs are starting to take that away, but I think there is also a mental remembrance of pain, and I am still half asleep,  SO I wake up, think don't wake up, your body hurts, and don't really wake up enough to really check if that is true.  Most of the time it IS true.  Anyways....

I don't have a plan for the day.  BELIEVE ME I HAVE TRIED SO MANY TIMES TO MAKE A PLAN. I have reems of plans all over, in my journal, on loose sheets of paper, etc.  I haven't found my rhythm yet, but I am starting to feel it out just by living each day and things consistently coming up.  For instance, I am beginning to have a routine where I do the dishes twice a day consistently.  Once after lunch and the other time when BJ puts the kids to bed after dinner. I think sometimes I try to makes these lists and I just don't have enough......data?......details of what my family REALLY needs during the day?  I think my lists are too general maybe. I don't know.  All I know is that after making a million plans for the day in a million different ways, and after having none of them work....I think I have come to the conclusion that for me and my family I just got to live life and see what pattern emerges, and build on that.:) 

With the planning thing, it also probably doesn't help that I am really not in a goal making mood lately. Which I blame on the herbs.:)  IN A GOOD WAY.  I am a very pregnant person.  It feels good to actually take it easy when I am supposed to, instead of "trying to take it easy" which, when I was un-herbed, never really happened.:)

I went to a class taught by the darling Megan Bingham the other weekend and she had a really neat daily plan.  Mostly what I remember is that she gave her self three main things she had to get done everyday to feel like she accomplished what she needed too.  Most of the time she said it was three simple things.  Something like: read my scriptures, say morning prayer, get all the way dressed for the morning. Stuff like that.  Totally doable.  I like!:)

So those are all the reasons why mornings are hard. 

Let me tell you why my mornings have eventually been rocking.

After the initial not feeling good, all my children have been coming into my room and cuddling me.  They are SO CUDDLY, and when they all jump on my bed(and me more often than not), I feel stirrings of happy coming back into me.

I take a shower in my super sunny bathroom.  Sunshine begets sunshine dude.:)

I call up BJ and I somehow make girlfriend time happen everyday, or at least most days.

I clean my kitchen after lunch.  Even sweeping the floor. Even wiping down the table.:)  And I wear my super cute apron whilst doing so.

My kids dress themselves in the morning.  BIG AWESOMENESS HERE. In desperate mornings, Jane can even get them breakfast, though she uses WAY more milk than I do, so I like to pour it when I can.:)

I begin my day with a prayer of gratitude and asking to get through the morning. I pray a lot in the morning.  It used to take about 50, literal number, prayers just to get out of bed.  I would lie there and pray and pray to be able to get up and to not hurt and to be able to be a mum/person/etc.  Then I would go to the bathroom and start getting ready and pray some more. Pray for the safety of my kids while I was getting ready.  Pray that I could get through the day, etc. 

Most days now, it still takes a few prayers to get out of bed, but they mostly consist of gratitude for the facts of my life.  I feel so grateful to be in this house.  To have BJ as my companion for forever.  To have such darling babies.  To have ANOTHER darling one join our family.  To have cute clothes to wear everyday(nothing fancy, just cute, comely, CLEAN, un-holey clothes.:) I wake up and I feel grateful, even when I am still cranky.  Not an ideal attitude perhaps, but definitely going in the right direction, and way less fear-for-the-day based.:)

I am breathing more and it feels good.  I used to ask BJ SO MANY times a day if everything was going to be alright.  I rarely ask him that anymore.  That feels good.:) 

This is not so much a post seeking sympathy.  More like a post for...I don't know.  This is my life right now.  How I feel love and how I share love is by sharing my life.  Today this is what I am thinking about.  My life is changing so much right now for the better WHICH SO ROCKS and dude! IT IS ABOUT TIME!!!:)  I am able to be so much more proactive in my life, and I am able to concentrate on more than just the minimum absolute bare needs of my family. SO AWESOME.  But mornings are still a work in progress.  And today I am thinking about my mornings. And perhaps the best part is....I AM OK WITH MY PROGRESS RIGHT NOW.:)  I am working hard on change, and I am OK when I don't do everything I want to when I want to.  I am living in a way that is striving for more positivity.  I know Heavenly Father and me are a team and are super invested in what is going on right now in my life and are working on it HARD ENOUGH.:)

Today's question: What changes are you working on?  Are you in a peaceful place?  Do you feel like you are worth a peaceful place? You are you know.  God loves you, and is very active in your learning and living processes.  Happy FRIDAY EVE!!!  WOO! This week FLEW BY!!

ps.Just as a last random note.  The way I wake up HAPPIEST is slowly, out in nature.  I almost ALWAYS wake up diliriously happy when I am camping out in the woods by a water source(aka lake, river, ocean, etc.:).  Waking up to clean air, sunshine, cool breezes scented by the yummy pines.  NATURE.  I love it.  Someday I am having a private balcony off my bedroom with an outdoor shower(I won't be exposed to the world in my nakedness, we will figure something out).  It will be above my rose garden and it will be heaven.  Smelling the sunripened roses, breathing in clean air, hearing the sounds of nature, feeling the lovely hot water. YUM.  Is that completely bizarre?  Perhaps.  This is Clair.:)

WAKE UP ALREADY!!!  A GREAT DAY IS WAITING FOR YA!!!!

A Canoe and a Camera and An Important List:)

One of my very favorite stories about my Mum is about this one time she really, REALLY, really wanted a nice camera and a canoe, but she couldn't afford it.  She was raising seven kids and just couldn't justify the expense when there were so many other things our family needed.

My Mum LOVES taking pictures.  Her pictures of Europe are incredible.  I love vacationing with her because I am TERRIBLE at remembering to take pictures, but she always takes a million.  And her pictures always come out great!

My Mum and Pop also LOVE TO CANOE.  They love going up into the mountains and canoeing on the lake.:)  Someday they have a dream of having a cabin on a lake, and I am sure canoeing in the moonlight is part of that dream.:)

My Mum didn't have the money for these two things, but she really wanted them.

So you know what she did? 

She made a list of things she really wanted, but didn't really NEED(mainly a nice camera and a canoe).

THEN she said a prayer.  She told Heavenly Father she didn't need these things, but they were part of her heart's desire.  Knowing my Mum she probably also thanked her Father in Heaven for the blessings she DID have in her life.:) Then she tucked her list into her drawer and went on with the business of family craziness.

A while later she was at the store and randomly entered one of those contests where you give your name and contact info and put the little paper in the box.  She never does stuff like that, and she NEVER would win if she randomly did.

THIS TIME SHE WON.  She won A THOUSAND DOLLARS.  And she felt that this money was a gift from a loving Heavenly Father who knew that even though she didn't need a nice camera or canoe, that she could have them anyways. She knew that this was Heavenly Father telling her that needs AND heart's desires are important to Heavenly Father.  He won't always give us EVERYTHING we want, but He helps us attain our dreams and desires as much as is good for us and as much as He can.  Like any good parent.:)  (BJ adds-especially when we are working as hard as we can at the really important things in our lives.)

*****
I love that story.  I know that Heavenly Father cares about our needs AND our hearts' desires.  Our dreams are important to Him, and I will even go so far as to say that many of our dreams are FROM Him and inspired by Him.

Lately I have been making my own list of MY heart's desires.  I don't know why exactly that this is important to me, only that I need to do it.  I need to be specific in my prayers about things right now.

Maybe part of writing them down and praying about them is important because it reminds me Heavenly Father cares.  I know He cares. And my dreams are there for a reason, and not just to make me unhappy that they aren't all coming true in this moment of my life.  Cause that is how it feels sometimes.

Some of my heart's desires are very down to earth. One I am constantly battling and working on is getting healthy so I can be a person/Mum/wife/friend/etc...  This is a TRUE heart's desire for me.  And it is one of the first things on my list.  I truly believe that putting it on that list is important.  Not only to me, but to my Heavenly Father.  It is important for me to talk to Heavenly Father about it.  I can read a million books on health and make a million plans and spend a million dollars on said plans, but Heavenly Father can do more.  He can guide me.  He can map out the perfect way to integrate real health into my life.  He knows how to make things possible and how to make them happen.

Health may seem totally weird to put on a list like I am talking about.  It is totally different than a canoe.:)  And almost more in the NEEDS category. But it feels right for me to put it on that list.  It is difficult for me to put it into words. Maybe it is on that list because there is only so much I can do.  I need that extra amount of miracle.  That extra amount of grace to make it just that much better than a need fulfilled.  I want true health.  I want something I can't usually do alone by my own efforts. There is a lot you can survive with poor health.  So it feels like more than a need to me right now.

Clothes not full of holes were on my list.:) Believe it or not my ENTIRE wardrobe was basically holey clothes.  I had maybe one or two shirts that didn't really go with anything that didn't have holes in them.   The other weekend I woke up and Heavenly Father said it was ok to go shopping.  I felt like I should have been packing, since we were moving the following week, but the Lord knew what I needed right then.  I needed to feel good about myself in a way that clean, comely, un-holey clothes make you feel.  During and after the move I can't tell you how comforting those clothes were.  This last weekend I was SO SICK from the unhealthy "moving food" we had eaten all week.  Wearing cute clothes while I was sick TOTALLY lifted my spirits.  I know that that was a blessing from Heavenly Father.
He planned for my needs when I was sick: a husband with the priesthood to give me a blessing, food that would heal me, herbal knowledge to heal me, an awesome midwife that I could call up, etc. BUT Heavenly Father also provided for my hearts desires.  He gave me a cute little bedroom with lots of light in the windows and lace curtains to lift me.  He gave me cute clothes to lounge in bed in while I felt SO SICK.  He is SO kind and generous to us.  It is amazing.

The above two things sound kind of more like needs in some ways.  I guess when you are living in less than survival mode for so many years it is amazing to see what REALLY is a NEED or want.:)  Hopefully, un-holey clothes and great health will get better so they will not have to be such a luxury. I have other things on my list. Things more like a canoe or nice camera. They are so personal to me though, it is hard to write about them publicly.:)  These kinds of lists can be very personal, or not.:)  But I have been feeling that they are really important to write down and to talk about with our Heavenly Father.:)

Anyways, just something to think about today.:)

Today's question: What are your heart's desires?  What are your canoes and nice cameras?  You don't have to post them, but do write them down today.  Talk with your Heavenly Father about them.  Even if it is in an informal thinking-type prayer. Heavenly Father loves you so much and wants us to live our dreams and to have the things we need as well as the things we desire in our hearts. He wants us to communicate our heart's desires to Him.  He wants to be part of our journey and our adventure here.  He wants to be part of the planning process, and He wants to bless us.  Maybe that is the BEST reason to follow this idea today.  When we tell Heavenly Father the inmost desires of our hearts, and THEN He helps fulfill them, it is much easier to see His hand in our lives.  Just a thought.  Happy Wednesday! 

If you're tired and you know it write a post!

I am not a woman in fan of a beard on my Beloved.  It has nothing to do with looks, it is all about comfortable making out and cuddling.

For the same reason I am not a fan of crunchy hair gel or such in my own True Love's hair.  It is not comfy for cuddling.  It is yucky.  It DOES look good.  And I like a good looking lover, but as for cuddling coziness....bleck to the hair products. 

BJ has not shaved in forever.  His reasons for not shaving have been pathetic, so I don't remember them.

Something interesting has come out of this.  It is probably really disturbing psychologically, but I am not a psychology fan at all, so never mind that.

When I see BJ's beardy face all relaxed over there(BJ does a REALLY good relaxed face) it makes me want to go over and put my hands on his face and rub his cheeks like a puppy and say, "Who's the good boy?!  Who's the good boy!?"

I admit, I have done this several times this week.

I think most people would be normal and offended.  We just think it is HILARIOUS.

We are NOT NORMAL.

We are OK with that.

THE END.  Happy Tuesday!

Today's question: Do you ever do weird things that are not normal?  If you answer no....THAT is weird.

RANDOM THINGS on my mind today:) Also, I want a nap.:)

Today I feel like I have nothing to say.  Not in  bad way.  I just don't have anything deep or anecdotal to share.  So instead of a normal post I will just write down a list for ya.

Here is what IS in my head today:

-I am so glad to not feel sick today like I did ALL WEEKEND.

-The house we are living in is OLD. There is nothing ESPECIALLY charming about it.  Yet somehow it speaks to something in my soul.  I LOVE this little house(except for the wiring not being upgraded...). I love a house that feels old and layered and lived in.

-My kids are so cute...AND ACTIVE TODAY.  I am so excited about getting the house in order post haste so they can have more activities during the day. Right now they are happy with the sand box and empty cardboard boxes, but I know they are going to want more from me SOON!  SO I gotta keep getting healthy so my energy is up! AND I gotta get the office/craft room organized so I know where the scissors and glue are when Jane is desperate for a project to do.:) 

-I am starting to get re-excited about Heidi Rosalind joining our family in just a few months!!!  BJ and I start a series of Hypnobabies classes in a few weeks and I am way pumped.  I LOVE me some labor!:) We are really starting to feel so FAMILY-ISH.:) Not that families can't be any size, but a big family really feels so family-ish, and it is fun to see our family grow and enjoy the things that come with that.:)

-I wish this was a house we BOUGHT. BJ and I are really house owning type people.  We like to tear apart and rebuild things.:)  But I am also grateful that if something breaks hopefully the landlords will take care of it.:)

-My kitchen is pretty dang clean....the family room is another thing...Organizing toys is my worst night mare.  I think I need some baskets.  Baskets solve a world of stress in a home.

-BJ works TOO MUCH away from us.:)  I saw him so much last week with the move, but it wasn't enough!

-The part in the movie LITTLE RASCALS where they try to take a loan out at the bank is HILARIOUS.

-Cute clothes make being sick LESS AWFUL by A MILLION.:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: More like a question.  What are you thinking about today?  Are you having a positive and productive day?(<--me like:)  Are you having a positive and lazy day?(<---me like too:)  Are Mondays the bane of your life?  Tuesdays are our least favorite day. I hope however your day is going that it ends up peaceful.:)  I have been doing green clay face masks every Saturday night.  GOOD IDEA.:)

BONUS POST: OH MY LUNCH!!!! Here's a giggle for ya.;)

This is a picture of my DREAM FRIDGE(well my dream fridge CONTENTS).

*****

Oh the absolute JOYS of moving.

Today lunch went like this:

What shall we have for lunch today children?!:):):):)
How about turkey sandwiches?
Oh. No mayonnaise?  NO TURKEY.  No turkey because while Mumma was showering Alice snuck in the kitchen and ate it all?
OK.

How about a quick, yummy, cooks in ten minutes on the stove top chicken meal thingy in a bag?
No pots or pans?  NONE?  Those trendy items are apparently some of the VERY FEW things left two blocks away at the old apartment.
OK.

I know!  An old classic.  PB & J sandwiches.  Can't go wrong there.  Got the bread!  Got the PB! WHAT?!  NO JELLY.  Also left in the other fridge....even though basically EVERYTHING ELSE in the OTHER FRIDGE got brought over yesterday....
OK WAIT.  WE HAVE HONEY.  PB & HONEY.  There we go. And for Mum a green smoothie to keep the energy up! UP! UP!!!!

No vita-mix........I know.  I know....at the OTHER APARTMENT.....OK....a healthy portion of apples and I have no idea what else for Mum.......

I LOVE MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOO!!!!!!!!:)

We are SO BLESSED to be HERE.

Peaceful.  My favorite thing about the new house is how peaceful it is.
It wasn't as if the old apartment was necessarily noisy, but the quality of peace in the air here is so divine.

I love a home where all the lights can be off during the day because the windows bring in enough light.

I love a home where the bathroom has a window, come to find out.  I love feeling the morning light as I am getting ready for the day.  So much more refreshing than getting ready in a sunless bathroom.

Natural light is such a beautiful, energizing gift from God.

I love a home with lace curtains in my bedroom.  I love a not precious/girly, but elegant/homey/feminine mixed with masculine bedroom.  Lace curtains, my beautiful antique wardrobe, and a promised vanity table make up my feminine loveliness.  A big, hardy, dark wooden bed, BJ's guitar and a gentleman's valet provide the traditional/easy going masculine.  I love a bedroom that is a sanctuary, and mine is turning back into one.

*****

For the last few days we have been busy bees trying to get everything over to the new place.  Although there are still a few things to take care of over at the old apartment, BJ is back to work and I am back to getting into a family routine.(Won't be TOO effective though since it is FRIDAY;).

Back to laundry.  Back to tidying the kitchen.  What is it about natural light, a place for everything, and clean, cool air coming in the window that makes me want to live in my kitchen?

I AM SO GRATEFUL.  I am SO GRATEFUL for this new home in our lives.  I am so excited.  I AM SO EXCITED to be able to have a house that can be our home for the next while. This move has been the biggest blessing to our family. I can't even put it into words.

To anyone who visits us, HOUSE BEAUTIFUL my home may not be at the moment with boxes and unhung pictures and day dreams lying around, but it is to me.  Tonight we will find a place to hang our picture of the Savior and then dedicate our home with a blessing. We will read bedtime stories, or at least promise bedtime stories if the kids get ready for bed fast enough:). The kids will fight over who gets to sleep in the top bunk.  Alice will drive us all crazy because she will keep going up on the top and then we will have to tell her for the thousandth time that she can't go up onto the top bunk until she learns how to get down by herself.  Jane will want MORE Mommy Time, and after Denny and Alice fall asleep and Mum and Dad go into the other room for Mommy/Daddy Time she will tell us to go to bed, in a very angry and perturbed voice,  so we won't be sleepy in the morning. After Jane is FINALLY asleep  we will turn off all the lights, but the bathroom one, and lock all the doors. I'll climb into our yummy bed with CLEAN sheets(thanks to our new maid in the basement who loves to wash and dry clothes:), and get about as comfortable as a pregnant whale can at 27-ish weeks. Then BJ will rub my feet with lavender and read a book to me until I am basically asleep, and then he will climb into bed beside me and hold my hand.  We'll squish each other's hands with our family's secret "I love you message" until we are both well into the land of dreams.  And tomorrow.  TOMORROW will bring a whole new set of tasks and adventures.....


TODAY'S CHALLENGE: What makes a home a home for you?  What are your FAVORITE rooms in your home? 

Because isn't it inevitable?

So IMPORTANT question of the day.

When you move do you leave a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next patron?  Or do you take every last roll with you?

Because isn't it inevitable.....?:)

PS.Just so you know.  The former residents of OUR home DID leave us a roll and soap.  FOR WHICH WE WERE VERY GRATEFUL.  It WAS inevitable.:)

Girlhood dreams:)

Today we get the keys to the new house we are renting.  I have to keep reminding myself that we are RENTING because it feels like it is going to be OUR house.:) 

The last time we lived in a house(not including last year when we lived with my Mum:) we DID own the house.  It was our own little cottage.  We lost that house because of so many hard life things that hit us. We were able to get rid of it through a short sale, which was a huge blessing, but it still felt like failure in a lot of ways.  We had to leave A LOT of things behind with that house because we didn't have the money to move it, and we didn't have a place of our own to move it to since we were going to temporarily(for how long we didn't know) be living with my folks.

That year in WA was a huge blessing.  So much healing began to process in the BJHamaker family. Physically, emotionally, etc.

Moving to Utah this last Fall felt like the beginning of life again. When you are so busy being sick, and dealing with hard life things you can't really live normal life things.  You can't really enjoy the pleasures of a daily/weekly routine.  You don't get family pictures taken because you don't have the time or money.  You don't really have a wardrobe because you are spending all your money trying to keep up with the bills and feeding your family and buying medicine.

Right now my husband has a job that can pay for ALL the bills.  Right now we are making a move from a tiny apartment to...a tiny house.:)  BUT!  A tiny house with a big backyard and tons of storage space, and right by the park and so many awesome friends!

*****

Last night as I was waiting to hear about when we were going to get the keys to the new place so we could start moving in I was listening to some old Randy Travis songs that I listened to as a young girl.  We went on a lot of really long road trips when I was growing up and I have really vivid memories of listening to one Randy Travis tape over and over and over again on my headphones.  I realized last night that some of the lyrics were a bit mature for a girl my age, but the beautiful LIFE meanings were very real to me.  They spoke of what makes a home and what makes a family and TRUE love.  Now I know country gets made fun of for being maudlin, but just stop rolling your eyes at me for a second, and pretend to feel some validity to what I am typing.:) (and good grief to the max, emo and rock get just as bad as people believe country can get:)

I grew up wanting to live the way those songs made me dream as a young girl.  When I fell in love with BJ it was incredible and life changing.  Marrying him began an adventure I had been dreaming about since, I swear, before the pre-mortal experience.;)

I had married my prince and fully expected to live happily there ever after, but I also knew happily ever after came with hard times as well asthe awesome times.  I just had no idea HOW hard they were going to be.

Climbing out of the extremely taxing last few years has been a struggle. More than most couples could have born and stayed together.

Moving into this house...something deep inside me is awakening again.  Old dreams are surfacing into reality.
Listening to those songs last night reminded me WHY moving into this house is so important.

It is time to build again.  It is time to start living again and not just surviving and healing.
We have been working on this "living again" process for the last year or so, and now it is FINALLY the beginning of a new chapter for us.

Hard times will still come.  Maybe even SUPER hard times. 

But there are strong whisperings in my soul that tell me that we are going to get to live here for a good long while, and get to LIVE.  Get to get into a real routine(although, routines with children are CONSTANTLY changing....:), and we will start getting to do normal things.

Ack.  It is too difficult to explain what I mean.

Today I get to start living my childhood dreams again.  I CAN FEEL IT. And I feel SO blessed. I feel so blessed.:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: What childhood dreams are you living?  Or are working on or would like to be living?