I have the ability to begin REAL CHANGE in my life...and it starts with positivity.:)

The first sentence is always the hardest for me.
The first sentence is always the most mysterious for me.  <-----that was as positive as I could write it.:)
There is so much mystery in what to write for your first sentence?


This post is about a person who was very happy externally, and very negative internally and how she found the need to change.

For me, I had a hard growing up experience.  Merilee Boyack(AMAZING WOMAN) once talked about how we are sooooo prideful in that we have this compelling need to compare our life's trials.  Our trials are either harder than others, or way not as hard.  My trials, in comparison to others....;), probably fell somewhere in the middle of those two options.  But as Merilee Boyack went on to say, we don't need to compare.  Our trials are our own, and perfectly hard enough.:)  My parents had a messy divorce when I was about 6.  My Mum remarried a year later, and I became part of a combined family.  Life was good in many ways, but also extremely difficult. I have found that even in my adult life, that divorce has deeply affected me.  My birth father passed away this last summer, quite suddenly, and that dug up a whole crazy can of worms.  I don't so much want to focus on all of this, but a few things I learned about myself and life through 12 intense weeks of counseling.

1.I have been a really negative self talker all my life.

2.MY depression, anxiety, adrenal woes, physical illness has greatly been caused and fed by my negative self talk combined with a fear of.....SO MANY THINGS. Fear is really a killer man.

It took 12 weeks of INTENSE self-inflicted-vulnerability in counseling to start to see and change this about myself.  It takes WORK to change.  My sweet husband's whole team had been laid off at work literally a few days after my father's funeral.  That was obviously super lame! BUT also a ginormous blessing as it allowed me to take the time to really mourn my father and work through some important things so I could be a person/mum/wife/etc again. Working on change takes TIME and ENERGY and FOCUS!

During those weeks of counseling I found that I am so afraid!  Like all the time!  Afraid of relationships, afraid people not really liking me, but just putting up with me.  Afraid to show love to others for fear of rejection.  My childhood had been fraught with intense family feuding.  Holidays were always a gamble whether they would be happy or full of fighting and angry, hurt feelings.  I LOVE MY FAMILY, but it was so intense sometimes that I also became afraid of family, and intense emotional people(one of which was myself....beginnings of self hate right there in a nutshell).  I had become so extremely exhausted by feeling afraid, and hurt, and horrible inside that I just really started avoiding "dangerous" people in my life.  You know the people who were unpredictable emotionally.  I had gotten so drained emotionally, adrenally(physically:), that I just couldn't handle these situations anymore, and became afraid of facing them.

I realized somewhere in there that a lot of my feelings were being fueled by negative self talk.
The truth IS:
I am powerful! 
I am brave!
I can handle anything that comes at me with the help of my Savior!
I am a good person who is always trying to be better!
I am not alone and I am loved and beloved by MANY people who WANT to help me.

I remember one specific session where my counselor had me write down "things I do" in one column, and "things I AM" in another.  So I slowly started. 
Things I DO:
garden
sing
dance
sew
mother my kids
etc.

Things I AM:(this was WAY HARDER)
seeker of truth(how beautiful!)
lover of true beauty(that is cool:)
mother(how many women crave that?!)
loving wife(diddo above!)
etc.

We talked about what an awesome woman, that second list especially, was!  And then the weirdest thing happened.  As soon as I admitted that that was indeed an awesome woman, I unconsciously began talking about that woman out loud as if she were not me. My counselor looked at me with a confused look, and pointed that out.  And I just burst into tears because I couldn't admit that woman was me, even though when we had made the list I KNEW those things were true about me.  It was the craziest experience, and even writing this, I feel like I am living it all over again, and feeling all those feelings again. 

Why is it so difficult to believe in our amazingness?  Why is it so easy to believe all the "bad things" about ourselves and not the good? 

SO I began working on the reprogramming of my brain. AND THAT WAS WORK!  Let me tell you! There were times where a thought about myself would come into my brain, and literally it felt like immediately the old negative thought, and the new positive thought would run at each other and collide and I would be left to figure out which one to believe.  And it was confusing.  It was hard reprogramming, but I started to change.  And it was so beautiful and liberating feeling!  To truly feel that kinship with heaven, and know I was a real, tangible part of it.  I am a divine daughter of a Heavenly Father.  I am powerful.  I am strong.  I can be proactive!  I can choose to be positive in difficult circumstances.  I can deal with difficult, painful things, and come out of it OK. I am beautiful and have a real ability to show love and concern for others. I am Clair and Clair is imperfect but so awesome and my potential is unlimited.

I still struggle, I am still working on this.  A lifetime of self doubt and self hate does not change quickly, but I AM CHANGING!

This is a really long post. Sorry!:)  I just want to end with pointing out the clicker pic over there on the top right side of my blog.  This website by Hilary Weeks is about one of the most timely, and amazing movements of our time.  If you struggle with negative, self deprecating thoughts check this website out!  It has totally helped me on my journey, and I know it can help you on yours!!!

Lessons from the master communicator:)

So now what.  I know I have a voice.  I know there are important, beautiful, timely thoughts inside me that need to be let out...but how?  And what are those thoughts?  What is it that I want to tell the world?  What is in me that is worth putting out into the world to be said.  One thing I find when I put fingers to keyboard is that I almost have TOO MANY thoughts. 

In searching my soul about what this blog is to be about I come to this conclusion:

I have no stinkin idea.


But I do know that I want this blog to be a source of positivity.  I want this blog to be a source of good, and a source of truth and beauty.

I know I am supposed to write.
I think I can safely say that this blog is a giant leap of faith for me.  And on reflection, isn't all writing?:) 
Everytime you start to write isn't it a beautiful unknown journey you embark upon? 

I am also writing a book at present, and part of me really wants to focus this blog on things I talk about in my book.  I think mostly, atleast to begin with, this blog is going to be a place for Heavenly Father to lead me through the lessons of learning to write and communicate my thoughts to others.  Have you ever had that amazing experience to truly feel like Heavenly Father is leading you through a specific set of lessons?  It has happened several times to me in the last year, and it is just a really amazing thing to experience! 

I think this time lesson one was: sign up my new blog on blogger, and write your first post.  Just write it.  Don't worry about what you are writing. Lesson two has been: ok, think about what you want to write about, and write about that. Soul searching is so powerful through writing.:)

Tomorrow or the next day I will sit down again, and lesson three will come, and I will follow it and write.
Learning from the greatest communicator in the world.:) 

Everyone has a voice. This is MINE.

I have a need to write, right now in my life.  I have found that I have a voice that NEEDS to be heard.  I have thoughts and feelings that I need to put out into the world.  Before...before NOW, I was afraid to write.  My college English papers consisted of me writing a first draft, spell checking it, and then turning it in without ever, EVER looking at it again.  EVER. Why?  I had no confidence in my ability to communicate the thoughts in my head to paper.  I worried that I sounded "un-college-like" and immature in my phrasing, and that if I did make mistakes in my writing I wasn't skilled enough to correct said errors.:)  But one thing I did have, a very strong voice. My professors loved my voice and I think I should have given that voice more credit.  Perhaps I should have thought more like Algernon, "anyone can play accurately, I play with tremendous feeling." :)  And so, grammatical and spelling errors aside, I am giving my voice power again. My personality, my own unique flare a place to express itself.  I have a voice.  This is MY VOICE.