This has been THE CRAZIEST WEEK!
Monday-I really can't remember much about this day except that the stress I have been accumulating over the last forever came to a breaking point and I COULD NOT get to sleep until 6:30 the next morning. OI.
Tuesday-BJ stayed home from work so I could recover.Lame.
My best friend Jamie came over and helped me get ready for Alice's birthday.:) Lovely and needed.
Wednesday-Have no recolection of this day either, I am pretty sure my sleep cycle being completely off, and my still not sleeping very well is a part of the memory loss.
Thursday- MY ALICE'S BIRTHDAY! Still didn't sleep well, and sress mounted once again, so BJ came home(super lame) AGAIN from work, and we finally got to some of the root of my stress which helped my body finally start to relax again and recover. AND we celebrated Alice's birthday with a super simple, and fun family tea party. We had crazy hats and fun masks and color changing "tea" and cake and decorations and presents and good times.:)
Friday-OH FRIDAY. It was supposed to be the beginning of a mini vacation weekend for our family, but we COMPLETELY forgot about a super awesome and important meeting BJ has Saturday morning.....sooooo weekend plans half canceled, half modified. It will still be fun, but man, days are getting so full and we really need a vacation! Hopefully we can work something else out soon.
STRESS. Dude. Do you know about your adrenals? Your adrenals are what helps you deal with stress, anxiety, etc. Mine have been super overtaxed my whole life, and this last year I have been finally seeing some serious progress in their healing. In the super recentness though....
A lot of emotional junk has been surfacing in the last few weeks. Gosh, my Dad has been on my mind A LOT lately. Stuff I thought I had taken care of from Alice's birth and pregnancy has also been resurfacing. Dude, I need like a shrink on retainer for real.:) Anyways, sleep this week has been lousy. The power of my MIND! Over rides every possible sleep aid (herbal or drug) when it gets to the point it got this week. Which is saying A LOT. I mean, Peace and Calming....coma to the max usually.
I could go into everything that is stressing me out. Part of me really wants to. But mostly, I just want to say that:
THIS IS HARD
BUT I CAN DO IT
I CAN DO HARD THINGS....and still be happy too!!!:)
This was my mantra last Autumn. I was right in the middle of grieving over my Dad's passing, going through 12 crazy intense weeks of counseling, and working out with two personal trainers to deal with my emotions physically. Training with Melissa and Dave was one of the best things I have EVER done for myself. I learned SO MUCH about what I can do that I didn't think I could. We are STRONG! I am strong and YOU are strong! So much stronger than we think. We are powerful! We have the ability to do hard and amazing things. AND BE HAPPY.:)
I have done some things that I have heard other moms think are the HARDEST THINGS EVER, only to find out, dude, it is not as hard or horrible as you think. I had three babies in diapers at one time. Really not the end of the world!:) I have had two wonderful homebirths. AMAZING experiences! And not the horrible nightmare so many women paint. I had three children under three. Truly the hardest part about that experience was listening to all the negative people, and believing what they said. I LOVE it now. And I think it would have been much less end-of-the-world feeling in the beginning with the right perspective.
We are amazing, powerful, people who can do amazing, incredible things! And something being HARD doesn't mean it has to be HORRIBLE and life demeaning or draining. Obviously bad things happen. Dad's die, people get sick, etc. I do not take those things lightly at all. But I think there are lots of things that make us feel as doomed as doomed can be that really aren't that bad. Like having to wash my own dishes instead of having a dishwasher to do it. No big deal dude. TRULY.:)
One of my trainers, CRAZY DAVE, had a saying he had pinned up that said, "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." I like that, and I think it is true in almost every circumstance, but we have to make the choice and act upon it. It won't just happen.:) Sometimes there is suffering that you CAN NOT AVOID. The night my Dad died, I felt suffering in my heart that I could not stop from happening or feeling. And even if I could have stopped it(I really desperately wanted to. I felt like my heart was being literally ripped apart.), I needed to feel that so I could grieve. But there are SO MANY OTHER TIMES, when we go through hard times, where we suffer NEEDLESSLY.
Everyone has a different pain thresh hold, and I wouldn't want you to feel like just because you aren't going through a life or death situation doesn't mean that life is not hard for you. I have felt that before. Comparing our trials is not good or healthy or helpful. Our trials are hard enough for ourselves and we don't need to really worry about measuring their hardness. I think we do need to remember our strength. And the strength that is infinite that we can draw upon that comes from heaven. There is NOTHING we can not get through and be better and happier for. I have met too many people who have gone through incredibly nightmarish things, and come out the other end more amazing and beautiful and happy. I think when we realize our strength to get through hard times powerfully, that we have the ability to just beam with inner light and awesomeness. And be HAPPY. Even more peaceful than before.
There is HOPE in hard times, and not just for the next life. I really believe that. It doesn't always feel like it. Especially in the thick of hard times, but it is there. Even if you have to fake it until you can make it. Keep striving and growing closer to heaven. It is the road to happiness. I promise. And remember you are stronger than you think. And when you feel no strength at all there is Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who are the strongest EVER.
Life is SO CRAZY and hectic feeling at the moment. And uncomfortable to the max(being pregnant is serious business!:), but it has had some really beautiful moments, and I am learning SO MUCH about myself and about BJ and I as an eternal companionship BECAUSE of the things we are going through right now. What we are doing right now is SO MUCH a part of what this life is about! And it is hard sometimes and stressful sometimes, but COMPLETELY DOABLE, and most WORTH it.:) I wouldn't miss it for the world.:) I feel very grateful.:)
Friday, June 29, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Delight of Clair's Heart Salad:)
BJ has been making me this incredible salad lately, and I want to record the recipe somewhere, so here you go!
Delight of Clair's Heart Salad:
2-4 cups of romaine and spinach(preferably fresh spinach from the garden)
sliced red peppers
sliced avacado
small chunks of raw califlower
slanted sliced carrots
AND a drizzle of Brianna's Homestyle Honey Mustard Dressing
In the words of my beloved.....
GUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUH!!!!!
ohmygator. You should make this. SERIOUSLY.
Bon Appetite!!!:)
Delight of Clair's Heart Salad:
2-4 cups of romaine and spinach(preferably fresh spinach from the garden)
sliced red peppers
sliced avacado
small chunks of raw califlower
slanted sliced carrots
AND a drizzle of Brianna's Homestyle Honey Mustard Dressing
In the words of my beloved.....
GUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUH!!!!!
ohmygator. You should make this. SERIOUSLY.
Bon Appetite!!!:)
A time to be busy, a time to be lazy...wait those aren't supposed to be at the same time right?:)
Well! I made it to my nesting period! I am officially nesting from now until July 14th(and probably past that until the baby comes, but the BULK of the stuff gots to get itself done by then!!!:).
I am on my annual facebook hiatus....which was LONG(SO LONG) overdue. Why take a facebook hiatus every year? I will tell ya why. I am a very passionate, deep feeling soul. I love(!) my family and friends and life in general. I have great concern for the craziness in the world today. I want to be active in my relationships with those I love. I like to know what is going on and be apart of it! BUT, all of this can be really exhaustive emotionally. AND facebook is super.....what is the right word....sometimes it is really negative. I can handle it most days, but it seems like it gets to a point where it is too much for too long and I need a break from the world. The CONSTANT anazlyzing from inside me and everyone on facebook. DUDE. CONSTANT. This is right, this is wrong, you should feel this, I hate it when people do that. These people stink, these people rock. Sarcasm to the max.....Ohmygator.
Anyways, when I notice that I start getting too involved with other people's comments, I know it is time for a break. I know that when I am active in MY REAL life outside of facebook that petty things do not bother me, that the problems of the world are in perspective, and I am WAY less judgemental and WAY more empathetic and full of benefit of the doubt for others. Peaceful dude, that is the daily goal of Clair. AND BALANCE.:)
I think facebook rocks, and serves MANY benefits, but I am glad to take a break every now and then.
You may find it funny that I need to ANNOUNCE my break, and make it some kind of official. Why not just NOT be on facebook without the announcement? Well, to be honest, I need the "permission", the official permission from myself. I guess I need some kind of accountablility as well. It is too easy to just be sneakily on facebook when I really need a break. I may be weak in that, but oh well, I will work on that when mylist of lameness list of weaknesses I need to make into strengths is a bit shorter.:)
This is such a busy time in our life getting ready for this amazing and wonderful change in our family. Ironically my body has decided to get SUPER into pregnant mode and in my mid 30ish weeks of pregnancy all of a sudden I want to just eat, sleep, and eat some more! I haven't been SO hungry in forever! I think I am making a human being or something!:)
So aside from my hiatus, I am also attempting to limit evening activities. That is SO HARD! But I am attempting it in the effort to try and have time to get some of the things done off our list when I have the aid of BJ at home. We shall see how it goes! My Alice's birthday is this week AND we are taking a one night/one day family vacation this weekend in Salt Lake City. Our family is so desperate for family time. OHMYGATOR. All of BJ's time at home is being spent trying to get things done(mostly just maintenance stuff like dishes, food, etc.), and all of MY time is spent trying to rest, eat, take care of food during the day and resting some more. My kids are SO TIRED of not having family time. So hopefully this really short night and day in SLCwill be a super happy thing.:) I love my little family so much!
So we are at this weird time of being extremely busy and lazy at the same time.:) WEIRD.
I am taking a break from facebook, but I am still going to post on my blog almost everyday. I REALLY enjoy sharing my thoughts. And I really enjoy this exercise in figuring out what the heck my thoughts are!:) The way I feel and share love is through sharing my life with others.:)
Hope your week is super fullfilling and full of balance and joy!
I am already feeling the peace from taking a break from the world and filling it with some more happy and peaceful things.:) (scriptures man, does a soul good!:)
Happy Monday!
I am on my annual facebook hiatus....which was LONG(SO LONG) overdue. Why take a facebook hiatus every year? I will tell ya why. I am a very passionate, deep feeling soul. I love(!) my family and friends and life in general. I have great concern for the craziness in the world today. I want to be active in my relationships with those I love. I like to know what is going on and be apart of it! BUT, all of this can be really exhaustive emotionally. AND facebook is super.....what is the right word....sometimes it is really negative. I can handle it most days, but it seems like it gets to a point where it is too much for too long and I need a break from the world. The CONSTANT anazlyzing from inside me and everyone on facebook. DUDE. CONSTANT. This is right, this is wrong, you should feel this, I hate it when people do that. These people stink, these people rock. Sarcasm to the max.....Ohmygator.
Anyways, when I notice that I start getting too involved with other people's comments, I know it is time for a break. I know that when I am active in MY REAL life outside of facebook that petty things do not bother me, that the problems of the world are in perspective, and I am WAY less judgemental and WAY more empathetic and full of benefit of the doubt for others. Peaceful dude, that is the daily goal of Clair. AND BALANCE.:)
I think facebook rocks, and serves MANY benefits, but I am glad to take a break every now and then.
You may find it funny that I need to ANNOUNCE my break, and make it some kind of official. Why not just NOT be on facebook without the announcement? Well, to be honest, I need the "permission", the official permission from myself. I guess I need some kind of accountablility as well. It is too easy to just be sneakily on facebook when I really need a break. I may be weak in that, but oh well, I will work on that when my
This is such a busy time in our life getting ready for this amazing and wonderful change in our family. Ironically my body has decided to get SUPER into pregnant mode and in my mid 30ish weeks of pregnancy all of a sudden I want to just eat, sleep, and eat some more! I haven't been SO hungry in forever! I think I am making a human being or something!:)
So aside from my hiatus, I am also attempting to limit evening activities. That is SO HARD! But I am attempting it in the effort to try and have time to get some of the things done off our list when I have the aid of BJ at home. We shall see how it goes! My Alice's birthday is this week AND we are taking a one night/one day family vacation this weekend in Salt Lake City. Our family is so desperate for family time. OHMYGATOR. All of BJ's time at home is being spent trying to get things done(mostly just maintenance stuff like dishes, food, etc.), and all of MY time is spent trying to rest, eat, take care of food during the day and resting some more. My kids are SO TIRED of not having family time. So hopefully this really short night and day in SLCwill be a super happy thing.:) I love my little family so much!
So we are at this weird time of being extremely busy and lazy at the same time.:) WEIRD.
I am taking a break from facebook, but I am still going to post on my blog almost everyday. I REALLY enjoy sharing my thoughts. And I really enjoy this exercise in figuring out what the heck my thoughts are!:) The way I feel and share love is through sharing my life with others.:)
Hope your week is super fullfilling and full of balance and joy!
I am already feeling the peace from taking a break from the world and filling it with some more happy and peaceful things.:) (scriptures man, does a soul good!:)
Happy Monday!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
two kinds of tired
In the words of the Fab Four, "I'M SO TIRED"
In my experience all kinds of tired fall into one of two categories:
the kind you should FIX and the kind you should RESPECT.
(I feel that way about illness too actually)
The first kind of "tired" that you should FIX are things like chronic fatigue, insomnia, etc. You know SLEEP problems and ENERGY problems. I have for sure had my struggles with these for....like my WHOLE LIFE. This kind of tired super stinks TO THE MAX. I hate it. I hate not having energy to take care of myself or my family, and I have undergone some super serious life changes to start to fix this energy crisis in my body. AND IT IS GETTING BETTER! Sleep is happening! Energy is happening! Whoohoo!
(PS.If you wanna know more about how I am doing this message me.;)
BUT then there is ....
the second kind of tired. The kind of tired you should respect. The kind of tired that you experience when you body is rebuilding itself, or in my case, BUILDING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. I am tired, and while I do not enjoy being tired all the time(super inconvenient to the max for real), this is one time where I begin to be ok with it on some level. I am taking as many green foods into my body as I can to help my body not be too stressed with the project it is working on.:) But still, I am making AN ENTIRE BABY inside me right now, and it takes a lot of my energy! I have thought, very briefly, about taking extra energy stuff, not talking RED BULL, but you know natural things to boost my energy. And you know what? When I pray about it I don't feel good about it. I think it is because this is a natural process going on in my body and I need to respect it. I do not need to be FIXED right now where fatigue is concerned. I need to RESPECT this miraculous process happening inside me. I do need to try and feed my body healthy things and get enough rest, but mostly this is a case of letting nature take its natural course.:)
I am really grateful for the intelligence of our creator and for the intelligence of our bodies. The whole making a person process is awe-inspiring to me.
I am also grateful I get to take a rest as soon as my hubby is home.<---see I am a real person as well as a deep minded person.;)
SLEEP DOES A BODY GOOD TO THE MAX
true story:)
In my experience all kinds of tired fall into one of two categories:
the kind you should FIX and the kind you should RESPECT.
(I feel that way about illness too actually)
The first kind of "tired" that you should FIX are things like chronic fatigue, insomnia, etc. You know SLEEP problems and ENERGY problems. I have for sure had my struggles with these for....like my WHOLE LIFE. This kind of tired super stinks TO THE MAX. I hate it. I hate not having energy to take care of myself or my family, and I have undergone some super serious life changes to start to fix this energy crisis in my body. AND IT IS GETTING BETTER! Sleep is happening! Energy is happening! Whoohoo!
(PS.If you wanna know more about how I am doing this message me.;)
BUT then there is ....
the second kind of tired. The kind of tired you should respect. The kind of tired that you experience when you body is rebuilding itself, or in my case, BUILDING ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. I am tired, and while I do not enjoy being tired all the time(super inconvenient to the max for real), this is one time where I begin to be ok with it on some level. I am taking as many green foods into my body as I can to help my body not be too stressed with the project it is working on.:) But still, I am making AN ENTIRE BABY inside me right now, and it takes a lot of my energy! I have thought, very briefly, about taking extra energy stuff, not talking RED BULL, but you know natural things to boost my energy. And you know what? When I pray about it I don't feel good about it. I think it is because this is a natural process going on in my body and I need to respect it. I do not need to be FIXED right now where fatigue is concerned. I need to RESPECT this miraculous process happening inside me. I do need to try and feed my body healthy things and get enough rest, but mostly this is a case of letting nature take its natural course.:)
I am really grateful for the intelligence of our creator and for the intelligence of our bodies. The whole making a person process is awe-inspiring to me.
I am also grateful I get to take a rest as soon as my hubby is home.<---see I am a real person as well as a deep minded person.;)
SLEEP DOES A BODY GOOD TO THE MAX
true story:)
Monday, June 18, 2012
4 to 9
4 to 9. That is about how many weeks I have left with another person inside me. I WISH IT WAS 20...AT LEAST. I have never felt this way at the end of a pregnancy before, but I think I have an inkling why I feel this way THIS TIME.....
I know I should just not care that we are STILL not moved in all the way, and that we are still struggling with finding things, and that the biggest reason behind that is that not everything has a place yet. Sometimes I am VERY good at not caring about the mess. After Heidi Rose is born will probably be one of those times. NOW IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES THOUGH. Now I NEED things to be in order. And they ARE slowly getting done. I have SO MUCH MORE energy than I usually do, and I am a lot more sane at this point of pregnancy than I usually am. That is great! BUT!
Still, the mess drives me crazy and I feel helpless about changing the situation(at least as quickly as I would like:).
Logically I get what everyone is saying. I mean I AM PREGNANT. DUDE. It is alright to have a messy home right now. It is alright to have not everything in its place.
Heavenly Father is telling me that everything will work out. He has impressed this upon me TONS AND TONS. And I DO believe Him. But His counsel also leaves me a bit frustrated sometimes. This morning I REALLY wanted to get up earlier than I did(basically 10). Part of me COULD NOT get up because of the crazy essential oils I have been using at night to help me get to sleep...but the other part was an impression from my Heavenly Father to sleep in while I can. I get it. Logically I super get it. My kids totally rock about letting me sleep in. I should take advantage.
BUT DUDE!!! There is so much to do. Morning is the best time to get stuff done, and I mean especially for a personality type like me. If I can take care of what needs to get done right away in the morning, I am so much happier, and less stressed than trying to get it done throughout the whole day. I am not really an endurance type person.....eeek.
The world says who cares if your house is a mess. Making your bed is a waste of time. I am not even going to go there, for all the unpopularness I will accrue.:)
I love order. I THRIVE with order around me. Order is beautiful, truly and literally beautiful to me. It uplifts me and makes life so much easier! This is not an orderly time of my life. It is making me a bit crazy. And most of the time I am healthy enough to be ok with that.:) But not always!!!:)
Out of all he voices that come at me with advice, I hold onto Heavenly Father's. And I will tell you why. He sees the biggest picture. THE WHOLE PICTURE. He knows when this baby is coming. He knows me and my limits and the limits of my family(AND THE LIMITS OF MY HUSBAND...poor man...:). I know that even if Heavenly Father's advice doesn't make the clearest sense to me, that in the end I will see how His words of knowledge for my life circumstances were THE MOST LOGICAL. He knows so well how to make this the BEST life experience, I just gotta listen and trust and DO.
QUESTION: Whose voices pull you the most? Your Mom, the world, Heavenly Father, YOU....etc?
I know I should just not care that we are STILL not moved in all the way, and that we are still struggling with finding things, and that the biggest reason behind that is that not everything has a place yet. Sometimes I am VERY good at not caring about the mess. After Heidi Rose is born will probably be one of those times. NOW IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES THOUGH. Now I NEED things to be in order. And they ARE slowly getting done. I have SO MUCH MORE energy than I usually do, and I am a lot more sane at this point of pregnancy than I usually am. That is great! BUT!
Still, the mess drives me crazy and I feel helpless about changing the situation(at least as quickly as I would like:).
Logically I get what everyone is saying. I mean I AM PREGNANT. DUDE. It is alright to have a messy home right now. It is alright to have not everything in its place.
Heavenly Father is telling me that everything will work out. He has impressed this upon me TONS AND TONS. And I DO believe Him. But His counsel also leaves me a bit frustrated sometimes. This morning I REALLY wanted to get up earlier than I did(basically 10). Part of me COULD NOT get up because of the crazy essential oils I have been using at night to help me get to sleep...but the other part was an impression from my Heavenly Father to sleep in while I can. I get it. Logically I super get it. My kids totally rock about letting me sleep in. I should take advantage.
BUT DUDE!!! There is so much to do. Morning is the best time to get stuff done, and I mean especially for a personality type like me. If I can take care of what needs to get done right away in the morning, I am so much happier, and less stressed than trying to get it done throughout the whole day. I am not really an endurance type person.....eeek.
The world says who cares if your house is a mess. Making your bed is a waste of time. I am not even going to go there, for all the unpopularness I will accrue.:)
I love order. I THRIVE with order around me. Order is beautiful, truly and literally beautiful to me. It uplifts me and makes life so much easier! This is not an orderly time of my life. It is making me a bit crazy. And most of the time I am healthy enough to be ok with that.:) But not always!!!:)
Out of all he voices that come at me with advice, I hold onto Heavenly Father's. And I will tell you why. He sees the biggest picture. THE WHOLE PICTURE. He knows when this baby is coming. He knows me and my limits and the limits of my family(AND THE LIMITS OF MY HUSBAND...poor man...:). I know that even if Heavenly Father's advice doesn't make the clearest sense to me, that in the end I will see how His words of knowledge for my life circumstances were THE MOST LOGICAL. He knows so well how to make this the BEST life experience, I just gotta listen and trust and DO.
QUESTION: Whose voices pull you the most? Your Mom, the world, Heavenly Father, YOU....etc?
Friday, June 15, 2012
SO MANY DADS!!!
Ohmygator, I am so relieved to report that I am back to ME again today. I know bad days are OK to have, but I used to have bad MONTHS AND YEARS. So when I start to have more than one bad day in a row I start to freak out a little. I am so grateful for all the support I received yesterday, it was so needed.:) Today I woke up, super uncomfortable(dude I am SO PREGNANT), but very happy again. YAY!!! I tell you, being happy and content inside you is addicting, and a feeling I just can't get enough of!
This weekend is Fathers Day. So, really quickly I just wanted to share a few things about the fathers in my life.:) (I just realized that I didn't do this for Mothers Day.....sorry! I have AWESOME moms. Another post perhaps?....:)
I had a Dad AND a Pop growing up.
I didn't call my step day "Pop" until I was about 19 years old. I called him "Mike". There came a point though in our relationship where I felt like his role in my life deserved a bit more recognition.
Dad was taken. Father didn't seem right. POP, now that was endearing, but not too emotional.
And then I married my true love and got ANOTHER Dad who I call The Poppa.:)
I also have one other Father, my Father in Heaven.:)
All these men are very different, and play different roles in my life. I am thankful for them all.
(this is such a silly picture, I need to scan some better pictures....:)
Dad helped start me off in this world. He gave me a stinker sense of humor. He really inspired imagination in me. Sometimes this was good and funny, like his story of Goldilocks and the four bears. You know, the poppa bear, the momma bear, the baby bear, and the teddy bear....BUT other times it was just NOT COOL, like the time we were camping and we FINALLY got to the campsite and I had to pee SO BADLY!!! And it was dark, and I had to use a honeybucket, and he said, right before I went in, "don't let the rats bite your bum!" SO RUDE, and that image still haunts me every time I have to use the privvy!!!He passed away this last summer, and I miss him everyday. We didn't have the best relationship at times, and I know he told other people he was super proud of me, but I was never sure of it myself. We disagreed on a lot of really important things it felt like. I do know he loved me, and tried SO HARD all the time to be the best Dad he could be. I miss him, and am glad I know heaven is real.:) I feel very much in my heart that he is my little family's(and all his kids') guardian angel now. I have felt his presence watching over us and I am grateful.:)
(hee hee, I stole this off facebook. I love this picture, he is SUCH a happy family man!!! We need to get more pictures of this awesome man in our life!!)
The poppa mostly has influenced my life by raising my husband into the best man I know(his mom helped A TON too:). He also has been great support to me personally, and I have had some really great talks with him. He is very funny and loving.:) Heavenly Father gives me everything I need. He is ALWAYS there for me. He knows me the best and knows exactly how I need to be loved. At times in my life where I was frustrated with the "dad situations" I was struggling with, Heavenly Father took care of me. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR MY HEAVENLY FATHER. He could have just put us all on this earth and left us here without any heavenly support, but He didn't. He gave us scripture and prayer and EVERYTHING we need to be happy here. I love Him so much!!!
Looking at my SON Denny, I see in him the next generation of fatherhood. Already he plays "Daddy" with his sisters and takes care of his "babies". He is so kind and gentle and HILARIOUS. He is already working on his protector skills.:)
In this world where family is falling apart, and the role of parents is changing as different kinds of families are getting more and more of the spotlight. I am grateful I had a dad, several dads in my life to help me become who I am. I am also thankful that I have had the opportunity to heal some of my personal family related wounds through having my own son who I can help raise into a wonderful father someday. No family is perfect, I know, but there can be a ton of healing through having your own kids. I know not everyone has that chance, and I am grateful I have been blessed somehow to be one of the lucky few who do.
Life is crazy people, but we are SO BLESSED!!!
Hope your Fathers Day is lovely.:) The gifts are nice, but mostly I think these Dads just need to know they are loved and known and appreciated.:) Happy Weekend!!
PS>I know I didn't post about BJ. I didn't for mostly one reason. HE DESERVES HIS OWN POST. Dude, for real. He has been so SUPER DAD lately, he really needs a full post to himself. I AM so grateful for him. I love him SO MUCH!!!!! BJ is THE BEST Daddy I know, and I am so grateful that he is the one who is helping me raise these darling kids of ours. This man is basically a saint. In fact, aside from Fathers Day, we might declare our own St.Bernhard's Day in his honor. FOR REAL. :)
Resident Hero and Saint:) AND HE IS ALL MINE!!!!!:)
Thursday, June 14, 2012
An effort to cleanse my crazy pregnant soul. Vulnerable and complicated disclosure ahead....
I secretly posted this the other day and then unposted it. I am going through a lot of emotional end of pregnancy crazy. I really just am wanting to post super funny anecdotes, but there is a lot of other stuff going on as well. So many people have been posting articles about the need to be understood by others. I feel very vulnerable right now, with a HUGE need to be understood, but I also feel like, who cares? Or, "why are you so weird and over reactive Clair?" I especially feel frustrated that I can not communicate what I really need to right now. I feel really torn between not wanting to bother people, and be an emotional burden and really just needing support right now. I feel like my feelings, that are so natural and normal for where I am right now, are totally uncool and offensive to others. And being vulnerable to the max right now is like THE PERFECT window for Satan to really make me believe some really untrue things about the worth of THIS soul.
SO in an effort to thwart the devil, and with vulnerable confidence that what I am feeling is important(at least to ME:), and valid, here is Missing Post #55. I am super introspective by nature and become INCREASINGLY so by the end of my pregnancy, so if all these feelings are shocking....uhhhh, sorry.:/ I added a few addendums(remember the original post was written a few days ago), they are in italics.
Disclaimer: You have found a secret post. This is not your typical Clair post. If you are reading my blog for the first time....uhhhhh, maybe read something else first.:) I am a much more positive gal than this post describes(at least I really hope I am!). Also, you may want to visit my sidebar for an explanation of the difference of "CLAIR FOREVER" and "forever clair". This is one of the very few SUPER forever clair posts.:)
Today is my 55th post. 5 is my most favoritest number. So 55 is EXTRA special. I feel like I should celebrate this post a bit since it IS the 55th one. BUT HOW?!
How do you celebrate things?
Today I don't really feel like celebrating. I feel emotional. I feel bogged down by the cynicism around me. I feel frustrated that I can only do so much in one day. I feel frustrated that people around me choose to be so negative and intolerant of the people around them. They have tolerance for so many GROUPS of people, but when it comes down to individuals-no way jose.
I feel like I just want to run away to my sea and hills and leave the world behind. I feel many feelings I feel whilst I am in my birth time actually. A need for quiet and positivity and order around me. I feel a need for beauty and love around me. I feel a SERIOUSLY DEEP need to feel safe and secure. I just don't want to be around people who don't make me feel completely safe. Like COMPLETELY safe. I am NOT in the mood for emotional surprises. Being around angry, sarcastic, cynical people makes me feel literally sick to my stomach and yucky for hours. Not to mention the crazy contractions those instances make me go into EVERY TIME. Boo to the max. FOR REAL. I mean, control your dang self body! Don't let haters make you crazy!
I feel a serious need to be free. I am having a hard time being trapped by rules and regulations set by mortals. I need choice. I need freedom. I am not talking about anarchy. I just need to be free. And I don't feel free. And I don't know why. And I am tired of analysing everything I am thinking or feeling. And of anazlyising everything around me.
I just want to close my eyes and breathe deeply and have almost everyone leave me alone. Only I don't want to be ALL ALONE. I need someone with me. In fact, I have been feeling like I NEED someone around me all the time. Which is another birth time feeling. It is weird, I need to be alone...with at least one other person. I have a great need to be watched over. I need to know someone is watching over me. I need to know I am being taken care of. When you are making a person, you don't always have the ability to take care of yourself like normal and it feels really important to know someone is watching you and taking care of you and is aware of you and what you need. (I am REALLY grateful for the watchful eye of the Lord lately. I have felt it very strong, and I am grateful.:)
I am tired of being so dang needy. I am tired of not having the energy to take care of my family. I know this is a short period in my life. And it won't last forever. And I am grateful for how it makes me slow down and enjoy this period of my family life. I believe Heavenly Father is SO SMART, and that His plans are perfect. The way pregnancy is set up is a perfect plan, and conducive to more than one child.:) I really believe that.:) I just am tired. I want to be MORE. And I want to be LESS all at the same time.
I am homesick for the sea. I am homesick for the trees and for GREEN nature. I am homesick for friends who know me EIGHTY MILLION WELL. I have a great need to know I am loved right now and that who I am right now and what I feel is alright. (which drives me CRAZY because I feel like I should be able to have more confidence in who I am and what I am feeling....ugh.) I am homesick for heaven.
Today we went to have our family pictures taken. I tried so hard today to make it a no stress day. And I did SO GOOD, until about 5pm, and then it all went downhill.(Later, when I was telling my Mum about it over the phone I called it a TRULY AUTHENTIC FAMILY PICTURE EXPERIENCE....tongue in cheek.....:) BJ coming home was supposed to help, and it didn't. We spent the whole trip to the photo site(the TEMPLE) fighting. I lost it completely and was just a holy mess of a woman. My poor little family to the max. REALLY hurtful things were said to me by a very tired BJ. Things that you can't just be OVER quickly. (The whole day ended up being pretty tramatic and has taken us two days to feel normal again. We are an emotional lot here...) The photo shoot went ok, but it just broke my heart. I REALLY wanted those pictures to be awesome(they did turn out to be awesome PS), and be something I could love. They felt so tainted by contention. I feel lately like I fail at everything, and that this is always how it is going to be where my needs and wishes are concerned. Which isn't true, IT SO ISN'T TRUE(and most of the time I know it), but today that is how it FEELS.
I feel very tired. It is late and I need to go to bed. I am probably not going to post this post. Not because I don't want to share it, but because I am tired of being analyzed and judged today. I just want to skip the judging and somehow, miraculously, be understood and loved. This is pregnant, tired forever clair le sigh today. I am grateful that I can go to sleep now and be CLAIR FOREVER again tomorrow. Take that you cynical world you.
55th post, I may have done you wrong. I am sorry. I am so grateful for the outlet you are to me though. You are a huge blessing in my life at THIS time in my life. XOXOXO
SO in an effort to thwart the devil, and with vulnerable confidence that what I am feeling is important(at least to ME:), and valid, here is Missing Post #55. I am super introspective by nature and become INCREASINGLY so by the end of my pregnancy, so if all these feelings are shocking....uhhhh, sorry.:/ I added a few addendums(remember the original post was written a few days ago), they are in italics.
Disclaimer: You have found a secret post. This is not your typical Clair post. If you are reading my blog for the first time....uhhhhh, maybe read something else first.:) I am a much more positive gal than this post describes(at least I really hope I am!). Also, you may want to visit my sidebar for an explanation of the difference of "CLAIR FOREVER" and "forever clair". This is one of the very few SUPER forever clair posts.:)
Today is my 55th post. 5 is my most favoritest number. So 55 is EXTRA special. I feel like I should celebrate this post a bit since it IS the 55th one. BUT HOW?!
How do you celebrate things?
Today I don't really feel like celebrating. I feel emotional. I feel bogged down by the cynicism around me. I feel frustrated that I can only do so much in one day. I feel frustrated that people around me choose to be so negative and intolerant of the people around them. They have tolerance for so many GROUPS of people, but when it comes down to individuals-no way jose.
I feel like I just want to run away to my sea and hills and leave the world behind. I feel many feelings I feel whilst I am in my birth time actually. A need for quiet and positivity and order around me. I feel a need for beauty and love around me. I feel a SERIOUSLY DEEP need to feel safe and secure. I just don't want to be around people who don't make me feel completely safe. Like COMPLETELY safe. I am NOT in the mood for emotional surprises. Being around angry, sarcastic, cynical people makes me feel literally sick to my stomach and yucky for hours. Not to mention the crazy contractions those instances make me go into EVERY TIME. Boo to the max. FOR REAL. I mean, control your dang self body! Don't let haters make you crazy!
I feel a serious need to be free. I am having a hard time being trapped by rules and regulations set by mortals. I need choice. I need freedom. I am not talking about anarchy. I just need to be free. And I don't feel free. And I don't know why. And I am tired of analysing everything I am thinking or feeling. And of anazlyising everything around me.
I just want to close my eyes and breathe deeply and have almost everyone leave me alone. Only I don't want to be ALL ALONE. I need someone with me. In fact, I have been feeling like I NEED someone around me all the time. Which is another birth time feeling. It is weird, I need to be alone...with at least one other person. I have a great need to be watched over. I need to know someone is watching over me. I need to know I am being taken care of. When you are making a person, you don't always have the ability to take care of yourself like normal and it feels really important to know someone is watching you and taking care of you and is aware of you and what you need. (I am REALLY grateful for the watchful eye of the Lord lately. I have felt it very strong, and I am grateful.:)
I am tired of being so dang needy. I am tired of not having the energy to take care of my family. I know this is a short period in my life. And it won't last forever. And I am grateful for how it makes me slow down and enjoy this period of my family life. I believe Heavenly Father is SO SMART, and that His plans are perfect. The way pregnancy is set up is a perfect plan, and conducive to more than one child.:) I really believe that.:) I just am tired. I want to be MORE. And I want to be LESS all at the same time.
I am homesick for the sea. I am homesick for the trees and for GREEN nature. I am homesick for friends who know me EIGHTY MILLION WELL. I have a great need to know I am loved right now and that who I am right now and what I feel is alright. (which drives me CRAZY because I feel like I should be able to have more confidence in who I am and what I am feeling....ugh.) I am homesick for heaven.
Today we went to have our family pictures taken. I tried so hard today to make it a no stress day. And I did SO GOOD, until about 5pm, and then it all went downhill.(Later, when I was telling my Mum about it over the phone I called it a TRULY AUTHENTIC FAMILY PICTURE EXPERIENCE....tongue in cheek.....:) BJ coming home was supposed to help, and it didn't. We spent the whole trip to the photo site(the TEMPLE) fighting. I lost it completely and was just a holy mess of a woman. My poor little family to the max. REALLY hurtful things were said to me by a very tired BJ. Things that you can't just be OVER quickly. (The whole day ended up being pretty tramatic and has taken us two days to feel normal again. We are an emotional lot here...) The photo shoot went ok, but it just broke my heart. I REALLY wanted those pictures to be awesome(they did turn out to be awesome PS), and be something I could love. They felt so tainted by contention. I feel lately like I fail at everything, and that this is always how it is going to be where my needs and wishes are concerned. Which isn't true, IT SO ISN'T TRUE(and most of the time I know it), but today that is how it FEELS.
I feel very tired. It is late and I need to go to bed. I am probably not going to post this post. Not because I don't want to share it, but because I am tired of being analyzed and judged today. I just want to skip the judging and somehow, miraculously, be understood and loved. This is pregnant, tired forever clair le sigh today. I am grateful that I can go to sleep now and be CLAIR FOREVER again tomorrow. Take that you cynical world you.
55th post, I may have done you wrong. I am sorry. I am so grateful for the outlet you are to me though. You are a huge blessing in my life at THIS time in my life. XOXOXO
the art of "hey! this is what I am talking about"
Communication. The REAL last frontier. Space is so over rated in last frontier-ness. SO OVER RATED. Really you wanna go live on Mars? Yeah, think about it. The packing? The ordeal? This is not a move down the street or even across country. Shaking the head......
Back to communication.
OK, so all of that was written last night. And ironically, this morning, I feel I have NOTHING to communicate. This is hilarious to me.
Yup. Been sitting here writing and erasing for over ten minutes. Maybe later. Oh well. I wish I could be amazingly technological and insert a sound chip of me saying the above in bold. It had me and BJ rolling with laughter last night. Being SUPER late might have had something to do with it though......:)
CHALLENGE: Write a post on communication for me...JUST KIDDING.
QUESTION FOR REAL: What are your thoughts on communicating? Do you think it is hard to do? Do you want to improve your communication? Are you not a blue personality and just never even think about it? :)
Back to communication.
OK, so all of that was written last night. And ironically, this morning, I feel I have NOTHING to communicate. This is hilarious to me.
Yup. Been sitting here writing and erasing for over ten minutes. Maybe later. Oh well. I wish I could be amazingly technological and insert a sound chip of me saying the above in bold. It had me and BJ rolling with laughter last night. Being SUPER late might have had something to do with it though......:)
CHALLENGE: Write a post on communication for me...JUST KIDDING.
QUESTION FOR REAL: What are your thoughts on communicating? Do you think it is hard to do? Do you want to improve your communication? Are you not a blue personality and just never even think about it? :)
HAPPY FRIDAY EVE!!!!!!
Why do I just love this picture to the max?:)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
JANE, DENNY, and ALICE DAY!!!!!:)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
What is YOUR main feeling today?:)
I sit thinking about AWESOME things to do. Like make a ginormous fruit salad. We have everything, cantaloupe, strawberries, bananas, blueberries, etc. It is going to be SO YUMMY!!! I CAN NOT WAIT!!! And then I make a move to get up.....and nothing happens. It feels really good(that may be an overstatement actually) to just sit and do nothing. Content. There you go.
Laundry is piling up. TO THE MAX. I love it when all my clothes are put away and so clean and fresh. Make a move to get up. Yup, content to keep sitting. TO THE MAX.
Make some fresh juice, go water my garden, make a yummy homemade soup(it is kind of cloudy and lovely outside, perfect for homemade soup), paint birdhouses outside with my kids, etc. Yeah, I LOVE all those things. Make a move to get up....yeah, I got nothing. Nothing but content to keep sitting down.:)
CONTENT-adjective-in a state of peaceful happiness.
Content. Yup, that's what I got. Hope you have some too! Happy Tuesday!!!
Laundry is piling up. TO THE MAX. I love it when all my clothes are put away and so clean and fresh. Make a move to get up. Yup, content to keep sitting. TO THE MAX.
Make some fresh juice, go water my garden, make a yummy homemade soup(it is kind of cloudy and lovely outside, perfect for homemade soup), paint birdhouses outside with my kids, etc. Yeah, I LOVE all those things. Make a move to get up....yeah, I got nothing. Nothing but content to keep sitting down.:)
CONTENT-adjective-in a state of peaceful happiness.
Content. Yup, that's what I got. Hope you have some too! Happy Tuesday!!!
Monday, June 11, 2012
BONUS POST: Sometimes isn't always. Thank goodness!!!
Sometimes you just don't want to do what you really need to do. Sometimes *I* don't want to do what *I* need to do to be happy and healthy. Sometimes I don't want to take my herbs, even though I know I ALWAYS feel better when I do. Sometimes I don't want to exercise, even though I KNOW I ALWAYS feel better when I do. Sometimes I have hard times. Sometimes I have emotional times.
Today I had a really emotional day. Like everything was basically fine, I just had some emotional craziness going on about the rest of this pregnancy. I don't know that I would call it depression directly, but definitely something emotional is going on. More along the lines of emotional stress and worry. I am pretty happy besides those feelings.:)
I know from experiencing this before what will help: herbs, journaling, prayer, exercise, sunshine, keep moving dude. And most of the time I can do all those good things. But today I didn't want to. I just wanted to....I am not exactly sure what.
Mr.Rogers has this AWESOME song called "Sometimes isn't always." It completely rocks, as does Mr.Rogers himself.
Sometimes I don't want to do anything that I really need to be doing. But sometimes isn't always.:) I am grateful for new beginnings. I am grateful that tonight I can feel all funky and imbalanced in my life, and tomorrow I can wake up and start afresh.
Sometimes it is OK to be sad and emotional, but sometimes isn't always, and I am glad that I am getting to a point in my health that being emotionally imbalanced isn't a daily thing anymore. I am also grateful for all the knowledge about my body and emotions I have gained from a million sources(herbal schooling, therapy, personal revelation, etc...). I am grateful for all the proactive, positive reprogramming I have been doing this last year. I am so grateful for so many things.
Today I felt so blech. All day I tried a million things to try and stop feeling blech(hee hee, all the things that weren't on the chart I made yesterday ps......) Gratitude was the only thing that worked today.:) I will take it.:)
QUESTION: What made you grateful today?:)
Today I had a really emotional day. Like everything was basically fine, I just had some emotional craziness going on about the rest of this pregnancy. I don't know that I would call it depression directly, but definitely something emotional is going on. More along the lines of emotional stress and worry. I am pretty happy besides those feelings.:)
I know from experiencing this before what will help: herbs, journaling, prayer, exercise, sunshine, keep moving dude. And most of the time I can do all those good things. But today I didn't want to. I just wanted to....I am not exactly sure what.
Mr.Rogers has this AWESOME song called "Sometimes isn't always." It completely rocks, as does Mr.Rogers himself.
Sometimes I don't want to do anything that I really need to be doing. But sometimes isn't always.:) I am grateful for new beginnings. I am grateful that tonight I can feel all funky and imbalanced in my life, and tomorrow I can wake up and start afresh.
Sometimes it is OK to be sad and emotional, but sometimes isn't always, and I am glad that I am getting to a point in my health that being emotionally imbalanced isn't a daily thing anymore. I am also grateful for all the knowledge about my body and emotions I have gained from a million sources(herbal schooling, therapy, personal revelation, etc...). I am grateful for all the proactive, positive reprogramming I have been doing this last year. I am so grateful for so many things.
Today I felt so blech. All day I tried a million things to try and stop feeling blech(hee hee, all the things that weren't on the chart I made yesterday ps......) Gratitude was the only thing that worked today.:) I will take it.:)
QUESTION: What made you grateful today?:)
TWO things mainly:)
First off: It is SOOOO hilarious to me how important MY "due date" is to OTHER people. I have had three children at this point. I don't believe in due dates. They are not some magical number that means the baby is done. The baby is done when labor starts. In fact, did you know that the baby starts sending off chemicals to your body when it is ready to come out into the world? Look it up. Good to know. SO I have been telling people the baby will come sometime July or August. And some of them have been getting really riled about it. SO HILARIOUS. The funny thing is, is that those people are a HUGE part of why I don't like to tell people a due date. Because then as it gets closer or passes they start making super annoying remarks. SO, this baby will come when it comes, and it will be ALL GOOD.;) I am good with it at least.:) I want a fully cooked baby.:)
Second off: I have been feeling so good this pregnancy that I have completely squandered my 2nd term. Now I am in my third term and have SO MUCH TO GET DONE, and so little energy.
My list for just taking care of ME everyday:
Herbs:
adrenal capsules 2, 3times a day
Vitalerbs(think whole food vitamin) 5, 3 times a day
Probiotics 1, 3 times a day
Immucalm, 2 capsules, 2 times a day
1-2 quarts of red rasp leaf tea(for many things, also to help with an infection right now...boo)
2-3 quarts of water depending on how much herbal tea I drink a day
Exercises:
squatting practice, trying to work up to 20 minutes
inner thigh stretch 3 times day
25 pelvic rocks three times a day
150 kegels AT LEAST
Also, try to either do some Bar Method, go on a walk, or rebound for 20-30 minutes
Hypnobaby homeplay(homework):
affirmations cd
several different hypnosis practices
count babykicks
and one other hypnosis script
SCRIPTURE STUDY-at least a verse dude!
AND GREEN FOOD!!!! Trying for at least two large salads full of yummy, crunchy veggies and a green drink/smoothie/juice a day.:)
None of this keeps my house clean, so somehow we got to find a way to keep things at least sanitary, and then there are the needs of my already earthbound angels.:) Food, activities, clean clothes, etc.
AND THEN there are the other projects in the house that really need to be finished so the house can retain some kind of order. Such as BJ finishing retrofitting my wardrobe so there is a place for my clothes, and the baby clothes....
SO MUCH. I am pretty ok with it most of the time, but I have my moments of stress. I am definitely at the stage in my pregnancy where I am requiring a ton of emotional support more than anything else. Feeling vulnerable to negativity and cynicism especially. I get a ton of blessings from my husband around this time of pregnancy. And can I just mention for the millionth time that my husband is a saint?!
Anyways, this is rambling pregnant woman here.:) This is where I am. Life is humorous and crazy. Stress is starting to mount a bit, but I am still doing OK for the most part. Also, as if I didn't need anymore distractions I have super been in lets spend all my time dreaming and planning for years out in our future.:) Get back to the present Hamaker!
Hope your week this week is so magical and lovely. We need to stop and feel the magic of this crazy life so much more! Happy Monday!
Second off: I have been feeling so good this pregnancy that I have completely squandered my 2nd term. Now I am in my third term and have SO MUCH TO GET DONE, and so little energy.
My list for just taking care of ME everyday:
Herbs:
adrenal capsules 2, 3times a day
Vitalerbs(think whole food vitamin) 5, 3 times a day
Probiotics 1, 3 times a day
Immucalm, 2 capsules, 2 times a day
1-2 quarts of red rasp leaf tea(for many things, also to help with an infection right now...boo)
2-3 quarts of water depending on how much herbal tea I drink a day
Exercises:
squatting practice, trying to work up to 20 minutes
inner thigh stretch 3 times day
25 pelvic rocks three times a day
150 kegels AT LEAST
Also, try to either do some Bar Method, go on a walk, or rebound for 20-30 minutes
Hypnobaby homeplay(homework):
affirmations cd
several different hypnosis practices
count babykicks
and one other hypnosis script
SCRIPTURE STUDY-at least a verse dude!
AND GREEN FOOD!!!! Trying for at least two large salads full of yummy, crunchy veggies and a green drink/smoothie/juice a day.:)
None of this keeps my house clean, so somehow we got to find a way to keep things at least sanitary, and then there are the needs of my already earthbound angels.:) Food, activities, clean clothes, etc.
AND THEN there are the other projects in the house that really need to be finished so the house can retain some kind of order. Such as BJ finishing retrofitting my wardrobe so there is a place for my clothes, and the baby clothes....
SO MUCH. I am pretty ok with it most of the time, but I have my moments of stress. I am definitely at the stage in my pregnancy where I am requiring a ton of emotional support more than anything else. Feeling vulnerable to negativity and cynicism especially. I get a ton of blessings from my husband around this time of pregnancy. And can I just mention for the millionth time that my husband is a saint?!
Anyways, this is rambling pregnant woman here.:) This is where I am. Life is humorous and crazy. Stress is starting to mount a bit, but I am still doing OK for the most part. Also, as if I didn't need anymore distractions I have super been in lets spend all my time dreaming and planning for years out in our future.:) Get back to the present Hamaker!
Hope your week this week is so magical and lovely. We need to stop and feel the magic of this crazy life so much more! Happy Monday!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Singing on a piano mood:)
I am not really into depressing music or books or movies. I liked Emo for like a year, but then I got married and was so happy that I just couldn't get into an Emo groove anymore. BJ and I started calling it the sack cloth and ashes music. Emo is really pathetic sometimes in lyrics and emotion...to the max.
But I DO have like, maybe one or two jazzy, bluesy songs that I still have a yen for that are pretty dang sad. I think it has to do with the artists' way of singing those songs too. I REALLY love a sincere interpretation of music. You know, the kind that breaks your heart it is so REAL and authentic. I think I lost a lot of love for Emo because it just started to sound super whiny and SUPER unproactive. Anyways....
Bernadette Peters is one of those amazingly sincere vocal artists. One of the songs I really love to listen to of hers is I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BREAK. It is pretty sad, but super yummy to sing. The kind of song where you FOR SURE require a perch on top of a piano for really getting the mood across.
I have the privilege of being one if not the only girl to have ever sung on top of my high school's piano. Not really a big, important thing to anyone, but me.:) My teacher, Gorringe(NEVER Mr.Gorringe) was very strict about his piano. I sang CABARET. It was so fun. I think there was even some stage fog. It was awesome.
Lately I have been singing again. I was really afraid to sing for a long time, and super insecure. I LOVE TO SING. I love that form of expression. I love a song that feels SO GOOD in your throat. SO FREE.
Two days ago BJ and I dream planned. One of our favorite dreams is to start a dance hall in Provo in the next few years. Mostly swing, but other dancing too. Argentine tango being my personal request.:). That stuff is dang fun and scandalous! Part of that swing dream is to have MY OWN band. Like a BIG BAND super swing style and awesome. We could be Clair and the Lunes maybe;). BJ is gonna FOR SURE sing with me too. Think Keely Smith and Louis Prima to the max. But it will be MY BAND. And there WILL be a piano. And I WILL be singing on top of it at times. OH YES.
And that is the happy thought making me smile this morning. Maybe in a few years, maybe next year I am gonna sing with my very own band. And sometimes I will break out into some bluesy number whilst perched on top of the piano.
QUESTION: Do you have a super fun dream to dream about today?:) Happy Friday!!!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sanctuary:)
Where Can I Turn For Peace is a beautiful hymn that is frequently stuck in my head. Not consciously typically. It is just a song that inside me needs.:)
Lately life has been CRAZY! Let's be honest, BJ and I want a quiver full of children. That means more than a few, you know what I mean? Being pregnant with little ones running around can be a serious challenge, but I have found that there is a ton of joy in it as well. But I HAVE to look for it and purposely remind myself that it is there. Some people might consider this "making up" happy thoughts in a dreary reality. Totally not so. Perspective and nourishing oneself is the key to TRULY living in REAL reality.
I have been really focusing on taking care of myself lately. And also trying really hard to listen to the inner needs of my kids. Wish I had been noticing their allergies getting worse a bit more as now we are in full blown chest coughing and must now go to more herbal extremes(which really just means working harder, not using more powerful herbs).
I think this last weekend I turned a corner because the baby IS COMING. Not TODAY, but very soon. My last pregnancy and labor were really difficult emotionally, and I think my insides are bracing themselves, not because this time is scary, but because LAST TIME was scary, if that makes any sense. So I have been babying myself a bit, and just letting myself feel what I need to. This is a big step for me. During my turbulant growing up I kind of programmed myself to stop feeling horrible and scary feelings. Just push those babies down into oblivion. After my Dad died this summer I decided that was really unhealthy for a million reasons, and through 12 weeks of seriously intense therapy I began to stop that horrible habit.
Through prayer and well...lots of prayer really:), I have found some really useful tools for helping me through these uncomfortable emotional periods.
There are all the "churchy" things that people sometimes brush off as simplistic and I dunno what else, I think those people are crazy.:) Prayer, scripture study, going to holy places, being in nature, surrounding oneself with good, positive, true, and beautiful things. All those things are so soothing and healing and calming and ah! I just love how wonderful and POWERFUL they are! And they don't cost you a penny for the most part! I mean prayer! Hello! Anytime, anyplace. So awesome, and such a blessing to our mortal existence!:)
Books! Man, my whole life really I have escaped to books for solace. When I have have felt the world was so unfair and dark and cold and scary I have turned to Poirot and Miss Marple and Nancy Drew. Man, they GET right and wrong. They have the smarts to find the bad guys and protect the innocent. They don't make things all grey where ethics and morals are concerned. Unlike the world we have to live in. Bleck! When I have needed peace I turn to ENCHANTED APRIL and GIFTS FROM THE SEA. So much truth in those books. SO beautiful.
And then there are the DREAMING books and magazines I turn to. Oh magazines. How I adore you! Your beautiful, colorful pages! Easy reading! Beauty to the max. Now I am not the PEOPLE type, or the OPRAH type, good gracias for real. My mags come from MARY JANE'S FARM, and HOBBY FARM, and HOUSE BEAUTIFUL, and MARTHA, oh crazy Martha. You can read those others if you want, but when I am dreaming, I am just really afraid my dreams always come back to the home, to nature, to gardens and farm animals, to getting back to basics, to family. TO THE GOOD LIFE! Life where you can feel real. Life that is hard but always worth it. I get tired of life that is hard and not worth it. Sometimes that is how it has to be for a period, but it is not my favorite.
This is going to sound so silly, but one of my favorite tools I picked up along the way in our childbirthing adventures has been imagining my "place of peace", my "imaginary sanctuary". We have taken a few childbirth hypnosis classes and they talk about imagining this place a lot. And I really like it.:) If you could imagine the safest most peaceful place what would you imagine? Where would it be? What would it look like and smell like? Who would be there with you? What colors would be there? What is the temperature there?
MY special place is by the sea. Not ON the sea, but you can see the sea if you want to just over there. And you can SMELL the sea. Some people think the sea stinks. It is salty and seaweedy, but I really like it. I love the smell of the Pacific Northwest Coast. Cold and wet and salty. My secret place has a cove of flowers for me to recluse to. Roses and daisies and all kinds of flowers make a canopy over a white hammock. I can go there and it is shady and cool. I can rest and relax and the hammock is big enough for BJ and all my babies. It is so quite with nature(which isn't always as quiet as you would think! But everso peacful to me:). The smells of the flowers are warm and soothing. No allergies here!:) I can be safe here because there is a huge white/pink/yellow bubble of light surrounding my sanctuary and no one can get through. Nothing can get through unless I allow it. This is all in my head, but when I concentrate on it, and slow my breathing, I can feel myself start to relax again. It is a very useful tool.:)
Yesterday I spent the whole day making DREAM plans. This is another tool I often use. Present times can be so difficult and LONG, and fruitless feeling. I want there to be purpose in all that I do, and sometimes it is hard to feel that purpose. Dream planning helps me focus and bring perspective to the work I am doing. The plans BJ and I have for the future are so bright and sunny since I did a planning session yesterday.:) I am still not completely uncrazy. I am still struggling to find balance and peace in my everyday craziness with being pregnant and taking care of my already earthbound angels, but man, I feel so much more revived!
QUESTION: What is your perfect sanctuary like? Do you have a perfect place of solace to go to?
Happy Thursday!
Lately life has been CRAZY! Let's be honest, BJ and I want a quiver full of children. That means more than a few, you know what I mean? Being pregnant with little ones running around can be a serious challenge, but I have found that there is a ton of joy in it as well. But I HAVE to look for it and purposely remind myself that it is there. Some people might consider this "making up" happy thoughts in a dreary reality. Totally not so. Perspective and nourishing oneself is the key to TRULY living in REAL reality.
I have been really focusing on taking care of myself lately. And also trying really hard to listen to the inner needs of my kids. Wish I had been noticing their allergies getting worse a bit more as now we are in full blown chest coughing and must now go to more herbal extremes(which really just means working harder, not using more powerful herbs).
I think this last weekend I turned a corner because the baby IS COMING. Not TODAY, but very soon. My last pregnancy and labor were really difficult emotionally, and I think my insides are bracing themselves, not because this time is scary, but because LAST TIME was scary, if that makes any sense. So I have been babying myself a bit, and just letting myself feel what I need to. This is a big step for me. During my turbulant growing up I kind of programmed myself to stop feeling horrible and scary feelings. Just push those babies down into oblivion. After my Dad died this summer I decided that was really unhealthy for a million reasons, and through 12 weeks of seriously intense therapy I began to stop that horrible habit.
Through prayer and well...lots of prayer really:), I have found some really useful tools for helping me through these uncomfortable emotional periods.
There are all the "churchy" things that people sometimes brush off as simplistic and I dunno what else, I think those people are crazy.:) Prayer, scripture study, going to holy places, being in nature, surrounding oneself with good, positive, true, and beautiful things. All those things are so soothing and healing and calming and ah! I just love how wonderful and POWERFUL they are! And they don't cost you a penny for the most part! I mean prayer! Hello! Anytime, anyplace. So awesome, and such a blessing to our mortal existence!:)
Books! Man, my whole life really I have escaped to books for solace. When I have have felt the world was so unfair and dark and cold and scary I have turned to Poirot and Miss Marple and Nancy Drew. Man, they GET right and wrong. They have the smarts to find the bad guys and protect the innocent. They don't make things all grey where ethics and morals are concerned. Unlike the world we have to live in. Bleck! When I have needed peace I turn to ENCHANTED APRIL and GIFTS FROM THE SEA. So much truth in those books. SO beautiful.
And then there are the DREAMING books and magazines I turn to. Oh magazines. How I adore you! Your beautiful, colorful pages! Easy reading! Beauty to the max. Now I am not the PEOPLE type, or the OPRAH type, good gracias for real. My mags come from MARY JANE'S FARM, and HOBBY FARM, and HOUSE BEAUTIFUL, and MARTHA, oh crazy Martha. You can read those others if you want, but when I am dreaming, I am just really afraid my dreams always come back to the home, to nature, to gardens and farm animals, to getting back to basics, to family. TO THE GOOD LIFE! Life where you can feel real. Life that is hard but always worth it. I get tired of life that is hard and not worth it. Sometimes that is how it has to be for a period, but it is not my favorite.
This is going to sound so silly, but one of my favorite tools I picked up along the way in our childbirthing adventures has been imagining my "place of peace", my "imaginary sanctuary". We have taken a few childbirth hypnosis classes and they talk about imagining this place a lot. And I really like it.:) If you could imagine the safest most peaceful place what would you imagine? Where would it be? What would it look like and smell like? Who would be there with you? What colors would be there? What is the temperature there?
MY special place is by the sea. Not ON the sea, but you can see the sea if you want to just over there. And you can SMELL the sea. Some people think the sea stinks. It is salty and seaweedy, but I really like it. I love the smell of the Pacific Northwest Coast. Cold and wet and salty. My secret place has a cove of flowers for me to recluse to. Roses and daisies and all kinds of flowers make a canopy over a white hammock. I can go there and it is shady and cool. I can rest and relax and the hammock is big enough for BJ and all my babies. It is so quite with nature(which isn't always as quiet as you would think! But everso peacful to me:). The smells of the flowers are warm and soothing. No allergies here!:) I can be safe here because there is a huge white/pink/yellow bubble of light surrounding my sanctuary and no one can get through. Nothing can get through unless I allow it. This is all in my head, but when I concentrate on it, and slow my breathing, I can feel myself start to relax again. It is a very useful tool.:)
Yesterday I spent the whole day making DREAM plans. This is another tool I often use. Present times can be so difficult and LONG, and fruitless feeling. I want there to be purpose in all that I do, and sometimes it is hard to feel that purpose. Dream planning helps me focus and bring perspective to the work I am doing. The plans BJ and I have for the future are so bright and sunny since I did a planning session yesterday.:) I am still not completely uncrazy. I am still struggling to find balance and peace in my everyday craziness with being pregnant and taking care of my already earthbound angels, but man, I feel so much more revived!
QUESTION: What is your perfect sanctuary like? Do you have a perfect place of solace to go to?
Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Wednesday is a great day to be thankful.
Things I am grateful for today:
-PRAYER
-Heavenly Father knowing how my day was going to go, so He prepared me by having my heart full of hope when I got up. Totally balanced out some of the difficult happenings in the afternoon.
-Although seriously bi-polar(look who's talking), I am so grateful for my children today. Yesterday I was reminded in several ways how grateful I am for these people in my life. I feel SO BLESSED to be the one they call Mumma. I feel so blessed to be the one who has been given the sacred responsibility of teaching them right from wrong, and to help them develop and prepare for their own unique missions in this earth life. They are so precious to me.
-I am SO grateful for my Beloved Husband. Ohmygator I love that man. I am so grateful he is WHO he is. He is so much my rock, and I am his clinging vine.:) He is so patient and kind and self sacrificing. He has been SO attentive to my needs lately. I love him SO MUCH and am SO GRATEFUL FOR HIM!
-I am so grateful for friends who listen to me and talk to me. I am so grateful for friends who are so eagerly willing to help me when I am in need. I am so grateful for friends who will help walk me and my kids home from the park to make sure I am OK.
-I am so grateful for the knowledge I have acquired about health and nutrition and herbs. I am not the best at heeding the wisdom I have gained, but I am SO GRATEFUL I have that wisdom in me, and can always return to it and then be blessed by it.
-I am so grateful for the experiences we are having in Provo at this time in our lives.
-I am so grateful that last night(after a crazy weekend of serious life questioning and driving my husband crazy) that we allasudden felt a lovely peace about being in Provo just for the next 6 years and then returning to the coast. It feels so wonderful having a plan, all be it a somewhat un-detailed one still.:) And it is so wonderful to feel I can move back to my beloved sea.:)
-I am so grateful for the promptings and personal revelation I have been having in these last few days about why Clair is on this earth at this time. I have such a strong testimony of prayer and that Heavenly Father WILL answer our prayers. I also have such a strong testimony that we are sent at specific times in specific circumstances and have a very unique and important role to fulfill in this life. I am grateful that Heavenly Father has let me know more about MY personal mission here during these last few days of revelation. I am so grateful for several particular friends who have helped me learn more about myself. I can not tell you HOW grateful. SOOOOO MILLIONS.
-I am so grateful to be loved by so many amazing people. It feels so good to be loved! Clairs need to be loved.:) And it has been so wonderful letting people know I love them, and them letting me know they love me. I think we need more of that positive verbal wonderfulness.:)
-I am so grateful for this new life inside me. It is a crazy thing to be pregnant, with all sorts of ups and downs, but mostly it has been all up this time around and I am so excited to get to know this angel coming to our family.
-I am thankful for HGTV, I wish I had it on MY tv.:) I am so thankful for a family of doers. We see something we want to do, we pray about it, get an answer, and then if the answer is yes, we do it! We build houses, and homes, and families! We create beauty. I love beauty SO MUCH. SOOOOOO MUUCCCHH!!!!! I love it. I am so grateful for the beauty in my life, and the role I get to play in making more beauty on this planet.:)
-I am thankful God has a plan for me and my family and that He is constant in his watching over us. I have felt His eye on our family lately, and I am so grateful for all He does, especially for all the things He does for us that I don't even know about, but that make our lives so much smoother!:)
I am an emotionally charged woman with very real feelings. The emotionally charged bit doesn't change the realness of what I am feeling. It just makes me more aware.:) I am grateful for this blessing, although it makes me quite weepy.:)
QUESTION: WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR TODAY? Take one minute(or more!) and write them down! Feel the peace of the good in your life. Close your eyes and breathe. Smile. Life is crazy! But so good. It isn't an either or. Often my life is SUPER CRAZY!!!! Like frustrating to the max but also crazy good to the max as well, I just gotta remember and notice.:) And then, when I do, magically the hard and difficult become so much easier! Happy Wednesday! Don't take my word for it! Try it out!:)
-PRAYER
-Heavenly Father knowing how my day was going to go, so He prepared me by having my heart full of hope when I got up. Totally balanced out some of the difficult happenings in the afternoon.
-Although seriously bi-polar(look who's talking), I am so grateful for my children today. Yesterday I was reminded in several ways how grateful I am for these people in my life. I feel SO BLESSED to be the one they call Mumma. I feel so blessed to be the one who has been given the sacred responsibility of teaching them right from wrong, and to help them develop and prepare for their own unique missions in this earth life. They are so precious to me.
-I am SO grateful for my Beloved Husband. Ohmygator I love that man. I am so grateful he is WHO he is. He is so much my rock, and I am his clinging vine.:) He is so patient and kind and self sacrificing. He has been SO attentive to my needs lately. I love him SO MUCH and am SO GRATEFUL FOR HIM!
-I am so grateful for friends who listen to me and talk to me. I am so grateful for friends who are so eagerly willing to help me when I am in need. I am so grateful for friends who will help walk me and my kids home from the park to make sure I am OK.
-I am so grateful for the knowledge I have acquired about health and nutrition and herbs. I am not the best at heeding the wisdom I have gained, but I am SO GRATEFUL I have that wisdom in me, and can always return to it and then be blessed by it.
-I am so grateful for the experiences we are having in Provo at this time in our lives.
-I am so grateful that last night(after a crazy weekend of serious life questioning and driving my husband crazy) that we allasudden felt a lovely peace about being in Provo just for the next 6 years and then returning to the coast. It feels so wonderful having a plan, all be it a somewhat un-detailed one still.:) And it is so wonderful to feel I can move back to my beloved sea.:)
-I am so grateful for the promptings and personal revelation I have been having in these last few days about why Clair is on this earth at this time. I have such a strong testimony of prayer and that Heavenly Father WILL answer our prayers. I also have such a strong testimony that we are sent at specific times in specific circumstances and have a very unique and important role to fulfill in this life. I am grateful that Heavenly Father has let me know more about MY personal mission here during these last few days of revelation. I am so grateful for several particular friends who have helped me learn more about myself. I can not tell you HOW grateful. SOOOOO MILLIONS.
-I am so grateful to be loved by so many amazing people. It feels so good to be loved! Clairs need to be loved.:) And it has been so wonderful letting people know I love them, and them letting me know they love me. I think we need more of that positive verbal wonderfulness.:)
-I am so grateful for this new life inside me. It is a crazy thing to be pregnant, with all sorts of ups and downs, but mostly it has been all up this time around and I am so excited to get to know this angel coming to our family.
-I am thankful for HGTV, I wish I had it on MY tv.:) I am so thankful for a family of doers. We see something we want to do, we pray about it, get an answer, and then if the answer is yes, we do it! We build houses, and homes, and families! We create beauty. I love beauty SO MUCH. SOOOOOO MUUCCCHH!!!!! I love it. I am so grateful for the beauty in my life, and the role I get to play in making more beauty on this planet.:)
-I am thankful God has a plan for me and my family and that He is constant in his watching over us. I have felt His eye on our family lately, and I am so grateful for all He does, especially for all the things He does for us that I don't even know about, but that make our lives so much smoother!:)
I am an emotionally charged woman with very real feelings. The emotionally charged bit doesn't change the realness of what I am feeling. It just makes me more aware.:) I am grateful for this blessing, although it makes me quite weepy.:)
QUESTION: WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR TODAY? Take one minute(or more!) and write them down! Feel the peace of the good in your life. Close your eyes and breathe. Smile. Life is crazy! But so good. It isn't an either or. Often my life is SUPER CRAZY!!!! Like frustrating to the max but also crazy good to the max as well, I just gotta remember and notice.:) And then, when I do, magically the hard and difficult become so much easier! Happy Wednesday! Don't take my word for it! Try it out!:)
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
To blog or not to blog?..seriously I am asking.
So I am somewhere in my third trimester of pregnancy and this last weekend I feel like I turned some crazy corner. I literally feel like I have fallen through Alice's rabbit hole and everything has turned upside down inside me, and that I have also stepped through her looking glass and everything is hyper real and hyper unreal at the same time. Logic skills? Out the window with the Jabberwock.
So the question becomes, now that I am in this completely bizarre state of mind, do I record my thoughts in blog form to share with you(this is probably the choice that will follow with the FUNNIEST journey), or keep my craziness to myself(which choice will probably keep you in a more normal state of mind throughout your day)?
THOUGHTS?
So the question becomes, now that I am in this completely bizarre state of mind, do I record my thoughts in blog form to share with you(this is probably the choice that will follow with the FUNNIEST journey), or keep my craziness to myself(which choice will probably keep you in a more normal state of mind throughout your day)?
THOUGHTS?
Friday, June 1, 2012
FUN FRIDAY FAMILY GAME:)
So we have been having a struggle with our darling Alice lately. Having three kids super stinks, at least it does in this house. You see, SOMEONE always gets left out of the games, and it is USUALLY Alice. This is how it usually goes, Jane gets to be the princess/mom/etc, Denny gets to be the hero/prince/dad.etc, and Alice gets to be...the bad guy/or someone else not as cool as the princess/etc.....
Alice has been having a really hard time. She tells me all the time that no one likes her. That everyone hates her, and that she hates everyone too. This little sweetheart is only 2! WAY too young for this kind of bad vibe.
SO we have begun to be proactive in helping Alice feel loved.
One of our favorite things to do as a family is to play this game we made up for Alice.
Here is how it goes:
Someone says, "Who loves ALICE?!"
Everyone(including Alice)chimes in, "ME!"
And then we go around the room/table/etc(including ALICE), and we all say WHY we love Alice. And sometimes we talk about what Alice is amazing at.
THEN we do the same for everyone else in the family.
It has really helped Alice feel good about herself, and to feel that everyone loves her.
It also has helped unify our family lots and lots.:)
We still have really hard days with Alice sometimes. Part of it is that she is about to turn three. Part of it is that we need to have more of HER friends over more often, which we are working on. Jane and Denny's friends just come over way more often, and we need to get Alice's chums over just as much.
Alice is one of my FAVORITEST people in the whole world. I need this little gal to know how much she is loved. It feels good to know I can pray for inspiration, like the above game, and receive answers so she can have what she needs to be a whole Alice.:)
FUN FRIDAY CHALLENGE: Play our family game with everyone in YOUR home this weekend sometime. SUPER FUN.:) AND HAPPY WEEKEND!
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