I am not very good at waiting.:)

SO, there has been a list needing to get accomplished, well FEELING like it needs to be accomplished, before this baby makes its appearance.

The list included, but was not limited to:
-getting the family room more awesome
-Denny's birthday
-painting furniture
-nesting parties
-etc...

I can't remember everything on the list. What I wanted to mostly say IS that most of that stuff if not all IS DONE.

Now where is the baby?

STILL IN MY TUMMY.

I remember when I was pregnant with Alice how lots of people recommended having a birth project to work on for while I was in labor.

SO I made a quilt. I thought it was a GREAT idea to spend the first part of my labor doing something fun to help pass the time.

And then the quilt was done, and there was still no baby in the outside world. In fact I think it took more than five more hours for my Queen Alice to make her world debut.

I am not very good at waiting.

And it isn't like I have any energy to do anything at this point.  Just watch the Olympics and keep an ear out for my current offspring.  They have been really good so far<----I AM SO GRATEFUL.

Jane has been making the other kids lunch lately.  Can I tell you how much I totally dig that?!

Oh! And Denny's birthday was yesterday.  BJ ended up staying home for lots of various reasons, and so that helped the day totally rock, and be WAY LESS stressful than I thought it was going to be.
Denny had a great time with friends over.  BJ dressed up as a "bad guy" and then Denny and his friends got to "fight" him with homemade pool noodle light sabers. It was awesome until BJ was TOO SCARY and made half the little guys cry.....oh dear....

Anyways, now I am waiting, and doing some more waiting.  I am mostly fine with the waiting generally.  I would love to go into labor naturally.  But I would also love to have this baby today....you know.:)
I was really stressed about the baby coming yesterday because Denny REALLY DID NOT want a sister sharing his birthday. But now yesterday is over, and there is nothing more NEEDING to get done....except HAVING THIS BABY.  Did I mention that my Mum needs the baby blessing at church to be on the 12th of August so she can be there?:) No pressure. Well the full moon is coming.  Maybe that will be our sign.:)

Also, the flys in my house are driving me crazy. 

SUMMER OLYMPICS!!!!

So I was thinking, yesterday on my walk, how perfect would it be to have my water break on my walk, then be in serious labor during the Olympic opening ceremonies, and then have the baby right after midnight.  Then we could go to sleep, and wake up with happy times.

That did not happen.:)
Oh well.

So instead of posting super cute new baby pictures I will write a few thoughts on the Olympics.

I LOVE the summer Olympics.  My son was born right before the last summer Olympics, and it is just super fun to be having a baby around this time again. I remember it POURING down rain and creating our very own Chinese Olympic rice patty, atleast a foot deep....that completely soaked into the ground in less than an hour...VEGAS.:)

I LOVE the feeling of the Olympics.  There are a ton of cynics out there who go on and on and on about the materialism and so forth that sometimes surrounds the Olympic Games, but what *I* love is the world unity it brings out in people.  I love watching a game and seeing someone not quite make it, but still be smiling, and being congratulated on their great effort by other country team mates. 

I love that school children in England chose different countries to sponsor and cheer for.  I mean, if that isn't the true spirit of fair play I don't know what is.:)

Last night we let the kids stay up to watch the opening ceremonies and it was such a blast.  We had lots of crayons and paper so they could make all the different flags to cheer the different countries on in the next few weeks.  It was fun teaching them about different countries and cultures through the medium of the Olympics.

Anyways, some of the things I loved about the opening ceremonies:

-the lighting of the big flame! Holy cow that was GORGEOUS!! The view from underneath the flames was breath taking.

-Rowan Atkinson.  Oh man, I think he is so hilarious.  I am so glad he had a moment of awesome at the ceremonies.:)

-Paul, it was so completely delightful singing "na na na na na na na" with you.:)

-OK, was I the ONLY one getting a mega LOTR vibe in this part of the ceremonies?:) FORGING THE ONE RING...I mean, come on.;)

Anyways, we are so excited to watch the games here.  We have a super ghetto tv that gets horrible reception, even with an antenna, so we have had to totally temporarily rearrange our living room to accomodate the games, but it is worth it.:)  Beach volleyball....ohmygator....SO EXCITED!!!! I didn't really grow up in a sports mania home, but I am excited about the Olympics.  We will be rooting on all sorts of favorite countries.:)

Well, my tummy has been crazy all day today.  Could be practicing, could be the real thing.  Probably just practicing, but you never know.  It looks like a storm is brewing outside....MY FAVORITE!!!!!!!:)

Happy Saturday!

QUESTION: What is YOUR favorite thing or favorite part of the Olympics?  Who are YOU rooting for?:)

Waiting for baby

Waiting for this darling baby to come has put my family on the weirdest schedule.

None of us are waking up before 9.
Then the kids watch a show and eat breakfast while Mum continues to try and wake her body up.

Then it takes basically the rest of the morning to get all the way ready for the day. Though some days that still means people are in pajamas....I am not sure what all we are doing all morning, but it ain't a lot.

Then we have lunch...sometimes around 1 or 2ish....
Jane has been making lunch for everyone lately.:) Thumbs up!:)
Alice helped make sandwiches with Jane yesterday.:) Love it!
I am a GREAT believer in teaching independence at a young age.
That may be a tiny bit due to laziness on my part.....:)

After lunch we rest and watch another show together.
Can I add that this is one of my favorite parts of the day lately?
I lay down, then Jane sits beside me holding my hand.
Alice is cuddled up right in front of me, laying down.
And my son is perched on top of me, laying down on my side basically. 
It is like they have built a human fort of babies around me.:)
I am completely surrounded by babies, and I LOVE it!:)

Then I have no idea what we do until Dad gets home.

Eventually he gets home.
He makes dinner.
Or goes out with the kids and picks up Subway or something.

Then I go on my walk up to campus.
While BJ puts the kids to bed.

Putting the kids to bed lasts a long time lately.
It involves them cleaning and playing for a few hours.
Sometimes they make it into their pajamas.

I am not home, and I am not putting them to bed, so I can't really complain about BJ's technique.:)
As long as their rooms are cleaned up, and their teeth are brushed...:)

BJ then does all the dishes for the day, and maybe cleans up the family room or does some other chore needing to be done.

I have returned home by 8ish, and am in the shower, and then collapsed on the couch.
I drink a quart of tea and have a snack.
And then I relax and watch probably Biggest Loser or As Time Goes By for an episode or two.
BJ comes and hangs out with me for a bit.

The kids are finally asleep by 10 typically.
BJ and I hang out, just chilling, and usually making jokes until about 12.
By then the quart of tea is you know....out.:)

Then we turn off all the lights, lock the doors, get ready for bed.
I go in and kiss the babies goodnight and seal it with a prayer that they will be safe through the night.
Then BJ and I have our evening prayer together.
BJ turns on the lavender diffuser and essential oils the crazy out of my feet and legs.
He waits for me to stop chatting with him, and then gives me a goodnight massage.
I have been falling asleep in about twenty minutes, which is AMAZING for me.

He is basically asleep as well.

Maybe the kids will wake up needing something.
BJ to the rescue.

I will wake up every hour or half hour at the call of nature.

Then we begin again.

*****

Not much is getting done. I will be very excited when this darling one comes out into the world. Yes, it will be crazy for awhile, but I have done this three times now, and the crazy will pass, and bodymyown will be heaven, and our family can return to a little more normal schedule.  I am VERY MUCH looking forward to recovering from this pregnancy.:)

I need to make 3-4 little Jedi robes today.  Anyone want to do it for me?  I just want to lay on the couch.:)

Knock on wood! Or come what may!:)

So BJ graduated high school at the age of 12.  I kind of just assume my kids will be graduating early as well, though not that early.  I don't EXPECT them too, but it just kind of feels like maybe some of them will.

Last night BJ and I were talking about this and how Jane is SUCH A LITTLE MUMMA.  Her mother heart is GINORMOUS!!! And how she is probably going to get married young. This kind of frightens me a bit.
Anyways, BJ was joking about us having to sign a waiver cause she was going to get married at 16 and I was like NO WAY!

AND THEN I KNOCKED ON WOOD.

Do you know why I knocked on wood?
Because I swear every time I say "I will never!", then it happens somehow that I do.

Cloth diapering, homeschool, home birth, falling in love with a guy about to serve a 2 year church mission, etc....

Lately I have been super surprised at some feelings I have been having that I thought I WOULD NEVER EVER have.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE IN UTAH RIGHT NOW.<-----so unexpected!!

The first time I lived here(about a decade ago! I am getting so old!:) I was attending the Y, and just felt so homesick for WA.  WA is green and beautiful.  Utah felt SO BROWN and ugly. It felt like there were NO TREES here.  I mean, just compare the mountains in WA and UT and you can kind of see what I mean.  I remember that there were really bad fires on the Y mountain that first semester, and one day the sky turned orange with yucky smoke.  Then it rained.....MUD.  It was the grossest thing this 19 year old had ever experienced.  You could literally see the orange sky turning blue as the rain cleansed the sky.  I remember looking down at my black capri pants and being horrified that they had turned brown in the "rain".  I loved BYU with all my little heart, but Utah was another thing all together!

Sometimes in the quad they would set up a soapbox for the students to have fun with.  I remember one dude from California getting up and talking about how he was starting a fund to dig out the whole BYU campus and move it to the CA coast.  I laughed so hard, but was in eighty million agreeance.:)  BYU on the beach sounded good to me!:)

The second time I lived in Provo I came with a cute husband.  We were DIRT POOR.  All our money had been used up in the move.  I remember going to a restaurant for breakfast the morning after we got there cause we didn't have any food yet or something, and having to split the meal and being SOOO HUNGRY.  And not getting full enough from the meal, and feeling bitter thoughts towards my newish husband who ate more than I thought he should have(we split it up equally but hungry eyes are jealous eyes). Shudder.  It was not a pleasant experience. I remember how when we got to Utah it was such a bummer.  CA was finally in total Spring mode when we left, and now we were back into WINTER. BLECH!

I got to go back to school which I loved, but sometime during the semester BJ got laid off from work because of a business merge the company was going through, our car completely broke down and we began to really struggle.  It was a really dark time, and especially hard because we hadn't been married very long. After we left I thought I would never be happy to live in Utah again(not that I was ginormously happy there to begin with except for school.:)

Then we moved to the ACTUAL desert in Vegas and Utah started to look VERY green comparatively.:)
BJ even surprised me for my birthday one year and drove me back to Provo FOR FUN. And I LOVED IT!!

We have lived in four states during the time we have been married.  We began in beautiful Sacramento, CA which was lovely, but we weren't really progressing in our dreams there. So then we were off to return to Provo to finish school(which DID NOT WORK OUT AT ALL!! But was an important part of our journey.  We learned A LOT about each other and what it meant to be married, etc...). Then we were relocated to Nevada where we met a ton of wonderful people and hated everything else.:)  BJ really began his career there, and finished school which was good. AND we began our little clan which was VERY GOOD.:)  Then we lost our house and BJ's job was basically failing, so we picked up our little family and moved to WA for a year.  SUCH a wonderful reprieve, but we were living with family, which was a mixed happiness.

And now we are back in Utah.  Although there were good things about each place we have lived, we weren't really happy in any of them...until now.....IN UTAH. It is so surprising to me!  CA was a really awesome place! Nevada had amazing opportunities! WA is basically where my home heart is! BUT in every single one of those places there were times where I just hated being there.  HATED IT, and let BJ know lots and lots.  For lots of different reasons.

And now, ironically, IN UTAH, a place I never really relished(except for school:) I am THRIVING.  I LOVE IT!  I have not said ONCE that I wish we were somewhere else(well, I do wish the ocean was here, but as for ACTUALLY moving right now, I am really content.  Someday we will move back to the coast, but I am so happy to be here NOW.).  I haven't said once that I hate being here. And I am so surprised! It is hot! It is dry! There are no beaches in Utah!

BUT I LOVE IT HERE SO MILLIONS!!! I LOVE Provo!  I love my neighborhood.  I love the people here.  I love going back to school.  I love that BJ has a really great job right now.  I love the opportunities that are coming to our family here. 

I love walking up to campus.  I have been doing it every evening lately to see if baby wants to come.:)  It is about 2 miles round trip.  On the walk there and back I get to walk through the darlingest neighborhoods.  I love looking at all the different kinds of houses here.  And the gardens! There are huge, mature trees lining the streets.  The mountains I have grown to love glow in the golden hour that I walk in every evening.:)  I make my way up the crazy south hill of campus and I just am in love with Provo. I get to the top and walk by the buildings on campus and just want to hug every one of them.:)

I have no idea why I love Provo and BYU so much.  I mean there are lots of wonderful things about this place, but there are lots of wonderful things about every place in the world!

I believe that when we find we love things and don't know why that those are signs of a personal purpose in our life's mission with those things.  I don't know how to say that very well.

I am SO happy to be in Utah.  AND I AM SO HAPPY TO BE IN A PLACE I AM HAPPY IN!!! The future here is so bright, and I am so grateful to feel that my family is exactly where we need to be.  I wonder if the pioneers felt a similar feeling when they finally got to Utah.  I mean, they traveled FAR to get here, after terrible persecution.  They were promised Zion and then arrived HERE.  A brown valley.  After leaving the green Midwest.  But here there was safety and peace.  That counts for millions, and I feel it.

Happy Thursday!!

BJ IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO A CLAIR. He is basically my soul mate.;)

Can I just positively vent for a minute?

BJ WAS SO PREPARED TO BE MY HUSBAND.
DUDE.

In SO MANY WAYS!

There have been several times where I have really felt a need to do something, or change something in our lives and he has totally backed me up every time. (Spending a grand on the garden every year? Done.And can I add we were living in the actual desert at the time?:))  And not just cause he is awesome(though he is AWESOME), but because he had already had experiences in HIS life that made what I was feeling feel totally right to him too.

Two really easy examples:

1.FOOD CHANGES-
-BJ has totally been awesome about the crazy food changes we have made over the years.
I really think him self-choosing to be a vegetarian for awhile in his youth prepared him for that.  Also his awesome mom introducing him to all sorts of different fruits and veggies that most kids never see.  Kumquats, even I have never had one.;)

It would have so been awful to have to go through all the chronic illness that I have, and found what I needed to change nutrition wise and not have the support of my husband.  I know a gal who has to have such a strict diet, and her husband still expects her to cook all sorts of things she can't eat for him. That would be really hard.  He could at the very least cook it himself!

2.HOMESCHOOL. Is it one word? Oh dear.:)
-Anyways, BJ was totally home taught as a youth.  I have not always been a super homeschool advocate myself.  In fact, I thought I was too crazy or disorganized/illiterate/etc.....to do it.  BJ was home taught and then happened to graduate at 12.  I remember when I was pregnant with Jane having terrible nightmares that she would come walking and talking out of my womb, and that I would have to homeschool her because she was super brilliant like her Dad.  Gradually over the years though I have had lots of experiences with talking about homeschool to friends and family, and dude, I am converted.  Public school is not evil, but I really appreciate the pros of homeschooling my kids.  And BJ was prepared his whole life to have a wife who wanted that for his children. (Even when she didn't know it yet!:)

Today I had some fears about the choices we were making, and just worrying about doing the right thing.(I spent way too much time on the Provo School District  and Utah Education websites today....not good homeschool kharma friends...), and I emailed me sweet love with all my doubts and worries and concerns, and he emailed me back reminding me of the answers to prayers we had received, and just totally helping me remember what we were trying to accomplish and how he was totally there with me in what I believe is right for our kids right now.  It was SO WONDERFUL.  Being on the same page is so awesome feeling.

I think that it so rocks. And I don't think it is coincidental.  We didn't talk about these things while we were courting, so that didn't create this wonderful thing.

I think Heavenly Father knew BJ was just the right guy for this Clair and helped me find this guy through crazy odds.:)

Anyways, BJ rocks. At least to me.  And he is so exactly what I needed for a husband/helpmeet/best friend/lover/companion/etc...:)

I am so grateful he was prepared to have me for a wife.:) SO GRATEFUL.:)   I'm kind of a crazy gal you know?:)

Change and Poor Jamie Oliver.

Last night I watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution right before bed.  BAD IDEA.  I had heard it was such a great show, and so I thought I would check it out.  I LOVE documentaries about people who are trying to change America's idea about what REAL FOOD is.  But this one, oh Jamie.  He had a really great idea, but it just went all wrong.  I felt really badly for him. He had really good intentions, but man, it went all wrong.  He tried to change people's ideas, but it felt like he was going about it WAY the hard way.  I couldn't believe how closed-minded and completely blind these people were either.  I get part of their point of view, I mean a total stranger coming in to tell them how to eat, not going to go over well probably.  BUT seeing so many people completely accept so many false ideas about nutrition was SHOCKING.  I mean, kids didn't know what veggies were.  Like, they couldn't identify them.  My sister married a guy like this. He had never had strawberries or pineapple before.  He didn't know what asparagus or broccoli were. It was a real eye opener.

It got me to thinking about change, and what a real PROCESS it is. Real change takes A LOT of effort, and it usually needs to come from several directions all at once.  I know to truly turn around my chronic health problems I have had to change a whole handful things all at once for the real health change to happen.  For me, a pill just wasn't going to miraculously cure me.(And in fact, most doctors I turned to gave me no hope for any change in my health, and basically said I would just have to live the rest of my life that way. Not one of them ever talked about nutrition or other non-drug options. Are drugs and surgery all doctors ever learn anymore? Scary!)  I had to change how I looked at food, I had to start an exercise routine, I had to deal with the emotional and stress-related side of health and disease.  I needed to clear out the negative in my life and turn towards the positive.

It feels like almost all change requires this kind of multi-faceted approach. AND hard work. AND dedication. AND PATIENCE. Patience with the process, patience with self.  Change is a work of endurance SO OFTEN. (Can I add that endurance is really NOT one of my strengths?!)

Sometimes change is hard because we want it all at once.  To be frank, this is me most often.:)  I want it NOW!(<---See, no bueno at endurance...)  When really, the best change happens line upon line, precept upon precept.  Usually one person at a time, one thing at a time. Which can feel a bit complicated because so often you have to change many things at once to change one big thing(like health).  So all at once in big ways feels the most productive right?! oh my....

I don't think I will keep watching poor Jamie tackle the world, but I hope things got a bit easier for him.  I hope he figured out how to reach out to the right people to help them see how to make real change in their health and in their lives. I hope he was able to get people to see that health is really scary in America right now.  We have so many things going for us compared to the world, but health is NOT one of them. Being the fattest people in the world is not something to be great at. Obesity is a scary epidemic in our country right now.  We spend billions of American dollars taking care of people who are sick because of obesity related illnesses and diseases.  Surgeries and medicine aren't going to fix this problem, just keep people from dieing at this point(which is good! BUT not what our goal should be!).  That is not thriving! We need to thrive in America! No one deserves to live an obese life.  And it has turned into a generational problem.  We are passing down really scary things to our children because that is all we know.  I know that I am personally dealing with this.  I can make a great meal in a bag, but to cook whole foods for a whole week can sometimes overwhelm me to the point of McD's!!!:)(<---- I take it to the extreme for sure.:)

The people that have died in my family have not died of natural causes.  They didn't just get old and then peacefully pass away.  They died of breast cancer, Parkinson's, and other horrible health problems.  We deserve better lives and deaths than that.  OUR CHILDREN FOR SURE deserve better.  Not only for themselves, but they deserve to have their relatives around for as long as they can.  I believe we aren't just doomed to die in a sick way.  We aren't doomed to having to have cancer or other horrible things.  We can turn around these health problems, but it is going to take serious effort and PURPOSEFUL CHANGE.  Food change, nutrition change, exercise change, LIFESTYLE CHANGE.  The kinds of lives we are living right now in American is NOT WORKING.  We need change, and people are doing it all over this country.  Biggest Loser has proved that through nutrition and exercise you can totally reverse a whole slew of diseases caused by obesity.  Diabetes is no longer incurable for most people.  People like Dr.Furhman are turning cancer around, as well as many other "incurable" illnesses related to allergies, auto-immune diseases, etc. WE CAN make a change! REAL CHANGES. 

I have to laugh a bit at myself, though it isn't really funny.  I am very passionate about health.  Some people get up in arms about gun rights, or abortion, or whatever else.  Those things are also very important. But health, I think, is my thing.  I have been greatly affected by poor health myself, and through losing close, loved ones from bad health and bad health habits. I can not help but see the connection between health and nutrition, it has been VERY plain in my family.

Hee hee, I try not to get preachy, but like all other passionates, it is hard sometimes.:) Hopefully, I won't get too crazy and offend EVERYONE.:) (shaking the head, poor Jamie.....)

Change is hard.
BUT change is TOTALLY DOABLE.
AND it is important.
SOMETIMES VITAL.

One last plug to America in general:

I really believe that if you could do just these three simple things, AMAZING changes would start to happen in our health. It wouldn't solve all the health problems, but it would be a really great way to BEGIN.:)

1.Before you eat anything else for lunch or dinner, eat a big plateful of salad full of lots of greens and other colorful veggies. THEN eat whatever else is for dinner or lunch. That's pretty dang simple right?:)

2.Get out and move everyday.  Walking is all it takes really!  Start small and add a block or two when you can. Walking is SO THERAPEUTIC!!!  It gets bad lymph and yuck going out of your body, it improves circulation, AND it is pretty easy on the body(athletic wise).  Wear good shoes when you start really going for it. I am telling you, last summer when I was walking a few hours a day(you don't have to be crazy like that, I was working on losing weight and I really just love to walk.;), I bought some gel inserts for my shoes and they were MIRACULOUS. Walking is also a great time to meditate and get some emotional stress out of your body as well as the physical stress.  I really feel stress is one of the leading causes of almost all disease.  We need to get that emotional yuck out of our systems!!!

3.Drink water. Half your body weight in ounces is the current recommendation, but dude, if you are new to drinking lots of water, work up to it.:)

Those are pretty easy things to do right?:)

OK, end of soap box speech.  I really am still in the middle phases of health change in our family.  It is a huge change going from corn dogs and ramen three times a day to applying whole foods principles on a daily basis.  Progress is happening , but it is hard and slow.:) But I am gonna keep at it!

Hope your Wednesday is lovely! I am going to be working on getting ready for this baby to come!

And in case you are wondering, MY health goals for today are:

1.Take all my herbs
2.Get AT LEAST one great, huge serving of green veggies in my body today.
3.Drink three quarts of water(one quart may be red rasp leaf tea)
4.Make sure my kids get some veggies in their bodies today.:)
5. Walk up to campus for my daily, Heidi Rose this could be our night! walk.:)

So simple, but hard to accomplish on some days. I get you America and I am right there with you trying my best.:) 

What ended up happening yesterday and why I should have just trusted in the Lord from the beginning.:)

I think I say "feelings" about a million times in this post. Good gravy.:)

So yesterday was pretty disquieting in our home. Basically a million things were going all wrong and Clair was stressed beyond the max.

ALSO, as I have mentioned before, at this point in my pregnancies I go through a sort of emotional climax/purge type thing.  This requires the emotions to actually COME OUT.  VERY difficult for me.  I have definitely been the type to hold in things until they burst, my whole life.  Dealing with feelings that aren't happy just doesn't feel very good.  And in my life there has been way too many negative feelings to deal with.

ANYWAYS, so yesterday totally stunk.

Rewind to Sunday night.
I had a blessing where I was promised that the Lord would super be with me the next day and that I would find healing in strange places.

So Yesterday(Monday), whilst going through all these super stressful and hard things I kept thinking about my blessing, and how the heck was it applying itself?

I remember at one point of the day I was just really feeling like if I could just cry really hard then I would feel SO MUCH BETTER.  I was also feeling a whole bunch of feelings about whether or not I was feeling emotionally ready to have this baby.  My labors stall really easy or just don't start until I am at a certain readiness point. Not everyone is like that, but I for sure am.  Alice's labor is a really good example of that. Her labor kept stalling and stalling and stalling, and finally I had a seriously good cry and talk with my doula and BJ was finally free from the kids and was able to be by my side permanantly for the rest of the labor, and then it was active labor from there! It was amazing!

Anyways, yesterday I was feeling that a lot of this stress and some fears I was having about everything was holding back the process of this baby coming.  I really just needed to cry good and hard and let it all out. But I hate crying! And I just couldn't do it.

And then the day just kept getting worse and worse and WORSE.

UNTIL I FINALLY CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED.

And after I was done crying my blessing came back to me and it all of a sudden hit me.

The two things that stuck out to me in my blessing:
1.Heavenly Father was going to be close to me all day.
2.I would find healing in strange places.

Well, I was FOR SURE thinking about Heavenly Father all day.  Sometimes in a, "Where are you?" way, but definitely thinking about Him.  I prayed a ton yesterday, with great effort on sincerity.  I also put in some churchy music at one point to help me calm the crazy down. I really felt yesterday that ME thinking about HIM was going to be a huge part of feeling He was close. I can't explain that perfectly well.:)

And HE WAS THERE.  Right by me, all day.  Even when I was having a hard time feeling it.
And I super know He was there because of the second thing in the blessing.

I felt so sick and crazy all day yesterday.  My anxiety just kept mounting and mounting and mounting. I was literally shaking at one point I was so stressed out.  And then I cried. And I felt millions better, and so relieved. (My Saint Bernhard also made some really important calls that miraculously made some progress with some of the stresses<----this also helped a lot!:). But the crying was the really big key.  <----healing. And the only way I was going to be able to cry yesterday was by the day getting more and more lame apparently.<-----healing in strange places.

SO, this is what I learned from yesterday:

-It is so much better to trust in the Lord than to get angry and eat ice cream for lunch(I tried those too, it made me feel SO SICK. BAD CHOICE. At least for me.:))

-Sometimes I get really frustrated that so many people seem to get so much relief from junk food and swearing when they are upset, and I just feel like crap when I try those things.  Not even in a guilty way, just in a really, that made me feel worse way.  Maybe I am swearing wrong?;)

-Trusting in Heavenly Father was super hard.  Especially because I could not see how His way was going to work. But it was the ONLY way the day was able to get better, and let me progress. By the end of yesterday I felt a million better. There were so many blessings at the end of yesterday.  People were prompted to say certain things to me, or do some service that I didn't know we needed.  I know that these are all huge blessings inspired by heaven.  I am so grateful to be surrounded right now by people who pray to be inspired, and who follow those promptings once they receive them. 

-I have been super struggling with the end of this pregnancy and being ok with it ending. Because of how the Lord worked my day I was able to finally feel totally ok with this baby coming.  I even walked all the way up to campus last night to see if we could have a Pioneer Day baby today.;)  The entire walk I felt so much peace and gratitude.  After such a crazy horrible day how was that possible?!?  It was possible because Heavenly Father is real and smarter than me.  He knew exactly what I needed, and helped me even when I couldn't see the way and had basically no hope or faith left in me to get through these stressful things.

So my children are starting to climb and grab and need at this very second, so I can't really keep concentrating on writing, but I really wanted to record this experience for me.  This has been a milestone in this pregnancy for me, and I feel really grateful.  Yesterday was so hard. SO HARD, but I got through it.  Heavenly Father had a plan for yesterday all along.  I just needed to trust in Him.:)

Happy Pioneer Day!!! Or Happy Tuesday to everyone outside of Utah!:)

QUESTION: Have you ever had an experience where you had an answer to prayer or a blessing where you were like, "How the crazy is that going to work, or solve the problem?!"  And then it was just exactly what you needed?:)

BONUS POST: BASICALLY I HATE EVERYTHING. True Story.

So basically I hate everything.

Denny pooped ALL OVER.  The poor thing had diarrhea.  I mean I feel for him.
BUT IT GOT EVERYWHERE.
Not really the kind of thing you can ignore.
Even if you are totally pregnant to the max.
It was in SPLATTERS ALL THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM.

It got on my foot.
Do you even know how hard it is to clean your foot when you are this pregnant, let alone see it to make sure it is all the way clean?!

Then the mail came.
Usually a felicitous event in my home.

TWO LETTERS.

One from the government saying why don't we have car insurance(which we do you stupid bureaucratic idiots)? And now we are revoking your registration, don't drive today.
Ummmm, I have places to go you stupid idiots. Or do you want to revoke this pregnancy as well.
Idiots.
Stupid stupids.

The second letter was from our eye doctor saying we still owe them a large quantity of dollars that insurance was supposed to cover.  That insurance promised to cover.  And now insurance is changing their story.  Do you have an extra amount of money for stupid people? I know I don't.

I AM BITTER.
I AM FRUSTRATED.
I AM SO FREAKING TIRED OF THINGS NOT WORKING OUT.
I AM DONE.

I want to be like everyone else in this world and complain.
I want to be narky and frustrated like everyone else would be.

But it just makes me feel worse.

SO FRUSTRATED. For a million reasons.

Like I said. 

Basically, I HATE EVERYTHING.

less-winded but not by much....:)

Basically my brain is mushier and mushier everyday, so the rest of these pregnancy posts are probably going to be more journal-y than thought provoking.....

The less-winded versions of how Clair is doing:

She is uncomfortable....TO THE MAX.

She is both ready and unready to have this baby.

Every night lately has ended in me being stressed to the max. TO THE MAX.
(This is very typical of Clair at the end of her pregnancies, a kind of emotional purge leading up to the birth.  Typical, but lame.)

I am done with projects....but I wish I wasn't.  Denny still has a few things he really wants for his birthday that are only going to happen if I make them at this point.  WE ARE BROKE.

Money is so tight, but I have to remember that it is a different tight than before. 
Before, we were hardly surviving where money was concerned.
Now we are beginning to thrive, but we still don't have any extra money.
BUT THE POINT IS THAT WE ARE THRIVING.

Birth is an intense experience no matter how you go about it(epidural, natural, etc...).
Some moments I am SO READY(thinking about cuddling baby makes me feel ready for sure!).
Most moments I feel too tired to be ready.:)

Some days I feel SO TODAY IS THE DAY!
Downstairs pressure, aches, pains, cold and hot sweats, etc.!!

Some days I FEEL NOTHING.
THIS PREGNANCY COULD GO ON AT LEAST FOR THREE OR FOUR MORE WEEKS!!

I wish the rest of the pictures in my house were on the walls.

I feel so grateful that the house is as ready as it is.

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR FRIENDS.

I had two friends answer my prayers the other days, and they were MIRACLES in my life.

I want to go on vacation.

I am SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY WITH MY KIDS.
SO TIRED OF IT.

I wish BJ was home everyday.  Life is better with him around. (LIKE BY INFINITY)(<--TO THE MAX!)

I am so excited to get this baby out so I can get my body back in condition.

I am so excited to home school my kids this Autumn. SO EXCITED!!!

I am so excited for me to go back to school this January. SO EXCITED!!!

I am tired.

I REALLY don't want to drive all the way up to Lehi to pick up BJ and then to Pleasant Grove for my midwife appointment today. IT IS SO FLAMIN' HOTTTTT!!!!!

I am grateful for friends lately who have been talking about being grateful.
I am grateful for blessings and prayer.

I am grateful for BJ.

The other night BJ had to run to the store.
The kids were in their room "trying" to go to sleep.
I was basically passed out on my bed.
Alice started to cry because she was afraid of "bad guy dreams".
Denny and Jane IMMEDIATELY both told her that they would protect her and be with her and sing her songs and tell her stories until she fell asleep.
I HAVE SUCH AMAZING CHILDREN.
I AM SOOOOO BLESSED!!!:)

I value the ability to be of service to people.
\
I have a serious love for the lace curtains on my bedroom windows.:)

This has been very rambly, and very therapeutic.
Thank you.:)

QUESTION: WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND TODAY? If you could do ANYTHING today, what would you do?  I think I would have a baby.;)

Family Flowers:)

My body is so funky feeling today, and my brain is having the hardest time thinking things through in a clear way, but I am just so full of these thoughts I just got to get out.  This post is maybe a bit more journal-y than interesting to anyone reading it.  I just really wanted to write down the thoughts of today.:)

Here goes:

Ever since I can remember I have always loved flowers. LIKE TO THE MAX.  I had a garden, a real veggie and flower garden of my own, that I initiated myself, and begged to have at a very young age.  I remember ordering seed and plant catalogs when I was 12.:) In fact there is a ginormous butterfly bush that I ordered from a catalog all by myself(I don't think I asked permission), and planted at my Mum's house...:)

A few months ago I was reading a Better Homes and Gardens magazine and realized that all my life I thought I loved looking at the decorated rooms for the furniture, or architecture, but when I really looked at the pictures of rooms that I loved IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE FLOWERS AND PLANTS!!:)

When Jane was born I was SO NOT DOING THE PINK THING.  I was all about the pale yellow and pale green.  AND THEN SHE WAS BORN and she was SOOOOO PINK!  SO pink and white and she just looked amazing in pink....so I gave into it.:)

Jane just had the most beautiful skin. It was so white and pink. SO WHITE AND PINK.  Just like a rose. JUST LIKE A ROSE. And right then and there our family bouquet started to form.

I guess it started even a bit before that.

BJ once brought me 5 dozen daisies across state borders when he visited me once because he remembered that five was my favoritest number ever, and daisies were my most favorite flowers.  That makes 60 daisies, and it kind of became a symbol in our relationship.  When he gave me those flowers I felt so surely in my heart that if it was up to me, this was the guy I wanted to spend eternity with.:) (AND I AM!!!:)

So, daisies are our "family flower", and Jane is our pale pink/white rose.:)  Denny is a boy, but even then his flower was SO EASY to pick. From the very moment, INSTANT, he was born he was my Sonshine.  My absolute Golden Son, and his flower is the sunflower.  He is so radiant and manly and strong.  He is a powerful spirit in our family and so protective and wonderful.  Just like the tallest sunflowers.:) He is going to be a beacon in his life of awesome things.:)

Alice was really easy as well.  When she was born she just embodied the most deep, velvety red rose. 
She was such a soft and velvety tiny baby.  And so rosy.  In fact, we called her our rosy posy baby for a long time.:)

Our newest little darling baby is an EASY pick for flower.  I mean, she is Heidi ROSALIND, our darling Heidi Rose, our Baby Rose.:)  I haven't seen her yet, but I think this is going to be her family flower:

That is just exactly how her spirit feels so far.  So pink and darling and here I am!!:)

If BJ had a flower, I always picture blue bachelors buttons. Something old fashioned and classic and that could fit in a button hole on his vest or jacket.;)

And as for me, golly, what flower would I be?  An old fashioned pinky peachy rose?  A yellow rose?  I love ranunculas and dahlias A MILLION. Someday I am going to sell dahlias at a farmers market.:)  Some old fashoined, feminine type flower, that is for sure.:)

Anyways, I think our family bouquet ROCKS. Someday, when our family is finished, I want to get our family bouquet painted. :)  It is kind of funny that we have a family bouquet, but there it is.:)  If I had a million dollars(or really probably about 30) I would request this bouquet every time I had a baby.  That would be MY BIRTHday present of choice.:) (We give everyone BIRTHday presents in our family when the baby comes:).

Today was spent buying last minute things, BIRTHday presents(hence it being on my mind), and plain getting last minute things DONE.

My body is tired to the max, and starting to act funny.  This is always such a weird stage because my body is starting to show some of the signs of getting ready for birth, but dude, it could go on for weeks for all I know.:)  Today I have been super achy and emotional and lots of pressure building.  But seriously, it COULD be several more weeks.

Anyways, I hope YOUR weekend is full of lovely times!  I am getting so excited about our family and our family's plans for the future, and how it is growing!  I love my little growing clan so millions.:)

Happy Saturday!

QUESTION: So what flower would YOU be?  What flower would YOU pick for a Clair?:)

Did you know they make treadmills for Willow Tree figurines? Me either.:)

IMPORTANT BACKGROUND INFO:  THIS is a Willow Tree figurine.  You have probably seen them before.

Now for the real point of this post.

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH BIGGEST LOSER WHEN, WHILE SHOPPING FOR WILLOW TREE FIGURINES, YOU MISTAKE THE FOLLOWING FOR A TREADMILL ACCESSORY FOR YOUR WILLOW TREE ORNAMENT.

It is actually just a picture stand for one of the willow tree plaques....:)


TRUE STORY.:)

BONUS POST: A MILLION DOLLARS

When BJ proposed to me he wrote me a song.  These are the lyrics.:)

Marry Me

By Bernhard Johann Hamaker

You’re not a fool to pick me out of the blue

I’m an alright guy

But I’m telling you

I’m not the Adonis seen in your eyes

When you look at me I could swear you think you’re looking at He-Man

<humble pause where I giggle>

So when I get a rest

Put your head on my chest and sigh

It’s been good so far and I can tell you

That the future’s bright

But I think we both know

That dreams don’t just work out overnight

You know, I bet you believe that I’m gonna make a mill-i-on dollars

(Maybe I will.)

But until that time

Press your sweet lips to mine and kiss me

All your waiting for me, Dear, with bated breath is sure to come

To a fabulous end

We’re both thinking, “finally, we can experiment on our chemistry”

Since we’re together again

(It’s so good to be with you!)

So we’re free from now to do as we please

Within reason, Dear

And I’ve told you my goal

To fulfill by the end of the year

If I could make a request for your assistance and collaboration

Dress up like a princess

Please put on a white dress

And marry me

It is an AWESOME song in person.:) 

So in one line of those awesome lyrics BJ mentions that I think he is going to make a million dollars.

And I really do think he will someday. When a dude graduates high school at the age of twelve I really do think that is a sign he is meant for greatness, or at least that he is smart enough to make a million dollars at some point...:) And since BJ totally fits that bill I think he will someday.

In fact I have a framed contract that we made a few years ago that states that if he ever does make a million dollars he has to take me to Paris for a shopping spree....that includes at least one super sparkly item.;)

It is such a fun thing to think about....making a million dollars.  Even if it never happens.

Lately our answer to that awesome question(WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A SPARE MILL?) has been:

1.We would use the first quarter million to pay off debt and then take our kids on an epic road trip of the USA.  50 states in 52 weeks(obviously we would take a cruise to Hawaii and Alaska...<---notice I didn't say FLY, cruises are WAY more fun!:).  I should write a post just about this dream vacation.  The plans I have made are entirely epic and AWESOME!:)

2.We would take the second quarter mill and probably buy a house in Provo. Buying a house in Provo just has always seemed like a sweet investment.:) Plus I gotta finish school, and BJ wants to go back to school as well.  Might as well stay in my favorite college town for that!:) We could always sell it after that or rent it out when we were done.:)

3.The second half of the mill would be spent on education and savings and probably some philanthropy.:)

QUESTION: WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A SPARE MILL?:)

Showers of revelation!

I have the most ear splitting headache this morning, we will see how this post goes....
(My children NEED to get out of this house! BJ has the car from now on in case I go into labor...good idea, but it sure leaves me feeling like we can't get out!)

Yesterday I wrote about how I woke up and had some personal revelation about some things I had been worrying about and praying about the night before.  Well, I thought that was pretty awesome, and figured that that filled my personal revelation quota for the day. NOT SO! ALL DAY LONG I had promptings from the spirit about what to do for JANE'S schooling this coming year(and Denny and Alice's as well;).  I think I was on the internet for five hours straight(well, with tiny kid interruptions throughout...silly people need to eat or something!:). 

I thought we had made our decision about what kind of schooling to do for Jane, but I hadn't really felt a spiritual confirmation about it yet.  In fact, I felt pretty cold about it, but logically it felt good.  Sometimes you just need to make a decision and act on it before Heavenly Father will tell you if He thinks you are on the right path. So that is what we were banking on...

Yesterday I wasn't even thinking about Jane's schooling(except that we needed to make sure the rest of her paperwork was in).  I was mostly still on a high about MY school plans.:)  And I was also thinking a lot about the book BJ and I have been reading at night...which made me think about the author and how much I love Dorothy L. Sayers as a person.  Which led me to look her up for the millionth time on Wikipedia.  WHICH led me to this AMAZING essay on education that she wrote. THE LOST TOOLS OF LEARNING. AMAZING article, and so worth the read!:)

ANYWAYS, THAT article led me to think about some other things, which led me to think about what my goals are for my childrens' educations. The program we were signing Jane up for just didn't seem to fit exactly. SO, thus the next five hours of serious research and internal reflection on what the heck I wanted to give my children as far as a learning experience in this life.  I really want them prepared for university of course, but I want more than that.  I want them to be people of strong character and mind.  I want them to be positive, proactive, problem solvers.  I want them to have a liberal arts education.<----This has always been what I consider the best education.  A broad spectrum, but with purpose of educating the mind towards truth and beauty and proactiveness in the world.  I want religion to be a part of my childrens' education-a really unpopular thought at the moment for most of the world, but something I feel is important.  Christian values. SO IMPORTANT. 

Sufficeth to say I have found a new program I love.  I can't explain why I chose this one over lots of others in a really convincing, logical argument, but I do know that when I look at the curriculum the spirit tells me that this is what MY children need to prepare them for their own unique missions in life.:)  That is important to me.  I really believe we are all here for a unique purpose, and our education can have a huge and vital role in preparing us for that mission.:)

So, I thought, WOW! LOT'S of revelation today! I am full!

AND THEN MORE CAME....this time to BJ.

He was doing some super late night shopping(yeah, ran out of chocolate cereal and milk AGAIN), and in the middle of some random thought the Lord stopped him in his tracks and started telling him a very specific list of things to do.  It was incredible! Some of it was too technical for me to understand, but the gist was that Heavenly Father gave BJ a to-do list to set up the internet marketing business he has been wanting to set up for the last while.  BIG STEP!  He isn't going to quit his current job or anything(yet;)), but it was a really exciting late night as everything he needed fell into place to get things started.

A WHOLE DAY OF PERSONAL REVELATION FOR THE BJHAMAKERS!!!

I told BJ that I was so excited about the future, but so confused about why this all happened in one day.  I hadn't felt like I was doing anything out of the ordinary, like spiritual wise.  I had been trying harder to read the scriptures daily and just really get through the day without too much craziness, but nothing big.
I read an article the other day about how we confuse perfection with worthiness, and I think I do that sometimes.  You don't have to be perfect for God to bless you.  Just doing your best.:)

Heavenly Father loves us so much.  He is right there waiting to bless us in overflowing blessing ways.:)  Life has been a really ginormous struggle for our family in the last 7 years, and it feels so weird to start feeling like good things are starting to happen really consistently.  It is scary a bit.  Is Clair allowed to live her dreams? I know other people can and do, but can *I*?  Is that OK?  Can I live the life I have dreamt of for FOREVER with my family? 

Anyways, it was the craziest day yesterday, and it was AWESOME.  It used to be that we were holding on for dear life cause life was horrible, now it feels like Heavenly Father is starting to pick up the pace in the other direction and we are holding on for dear life cause life is awesome and crazy and wonderful!!!

Whatever your circumstances, I hope your Wednesday is blessed and full of hope for the future!  Heavenly Father has a plan for you, you know.:)  Sometimes it takes a long time for it to be revealed, and even then, sometimes it is revealed only in bits at a time, but there IS a plan for you, and your future is more glorious than you could know.:)

BONUS POST: CONTEST AND PRIZE!!

Hey! I just realized that with the baby coming any day(or week....:)now, that it would be super opportune to have a contest and giveaway!

SO! Here it goes:

CONTEST!!!!  Guess when this baby girl is gonna make her appearence, put the date down there in the comments and if you are right then you win! I think in honor of my recent educational pursuits the prize will be a Barnes and Nobles gift card! I do not love that store, in fact, everytime I go there I just go straight to the info desk and ask where my book is.  It is SO DISORGANIZED THERE! But I digress....anyways, go ahead and guess!  Here is perhaps some helpful info, her blessing date has been set for the 12th of August, so hopefully she will be born by then.<---in case you need some kind of due date for reference....:)

RANDOM NOTE: This is the book BJ is reading to me lately.  It is, in my opinion, Dorothy L. Sayer's BEST work of detective fiction.:)  It is best after you read the first three Lord Peter and Harriet Vane books, and I must warn it has a bit of scandal(it takes place on their honeymoon, but let me tell you, it is TAME and way more ginormously appropriate compared to nasty TWILIGHT.:). WHAT I LOVE about this particular work is how Dorothy L. Sayers is so BRILLIANT in character revelation.  It can't even be called character development.  It is really character revelation.  The way she REVEALS the innards of her characters is AMAZING(and I am not talking about the murder mystery part;).  So much truth about human nature is contained here.  Such a good read.:) Random, but I will end this post with this favorite book.:)

As BJ and I used to maxim, "The Future is Bright!" and all is right in heaven.:)

Yesterday planning out my university schedule was AWESOME.  I am so excited about expanding my education and FINISHING my degree!!!  It is going to take me just over four years to finish.  That is a really long time.  But in retrospect, that is shorter than it is taking me to finish my Master Herbalist course.:)

It is really expensive to go to school.  BYU is BY FAR one of the more affordable universities in the country. Education is really important to the LDS church and I am so grateful because they try to make it as affordable as possible.:) But it is still more than...FREE...:)

It is also, like I mentioned above, REALLY time consuming.

SO MONEY AND TIME.  The BJHamaker family has really struggled with those two things. Yesterday whilst looking at the schedule I had made for myself I pondered FOR SEVERAL HOURS seriously on if this was the right time and WORTH it.  I drove BJ crazy by asking him for the millionth time if it was OK to be planning on my doing this.  And what I really meant was, is it right?  Is it responsible?  Is it appropriate when we have so many darling babies to look out for and take care of?  Talk about time and money, babies use them up like nothing else!:)

I have been praying to know what Heavenly Father thinks about my plans as well.  I want to be a good Mum, and that was a huge part of what I told Heavenly Father whilst telling Him about everything else. And I really want to be a good wife and support to my husband.  I have been so chronically sick for so many years, and he has had to spend SO MUCH of his energy taking care of me and the kids and everything by himself that it feels so selfish in a way to want these next four years to go to school.  It doesn't feel like a NEED.  Like in a survival way. But the truth is, finishing school IS a need for Clair.  I NEED it.  Not every person needs to finish school, but I do.  Learning is part of who I am.  I am really good at learning on my own as well, but a formal education is definitely a part of what makes a Clair a good Clair.

Last night I went to bed feeling good about the plans, but still a bit worried about the rightness of my choices. This morning I woke up and Heavenly Father blessed me with inspiration and personal revelation.  He put in my mind all the ways that my choices were going to make me an even BETTER Mum than if I chose not to go back to school.  He took me through the classes I have chosen and showed how each one would make me a better person and mother.  I am SO GRATEFUL!  What a loving Heavenly Father we have!  He didn't have to do that.  He could have just let me wait and see for myself whether or not the choices I am making are good just by their natural consequences, but He chose to tell me and show me in my mind well before hand instead. 

I have such a strong testimony of personal revelation as it pertains to our lives in not just spiritual ways.  Heavenly Father cares about us so much.  He cares about our feelings and what goes on in our days.  He cares about our families and how they are progressing and what they need.

I am SO excited for school.  It is going to be a CRAZY four years, and there is still planning and organizing to do.  One big thing that needs to happen this Autumn is recovering from this pregnancy and getting as healthy as I have never been!:)  I am telling you herbs and nutrition and taking care of my body are going to be super keys in making this university experience happen!:)  Energy without the coffee and energy drinks of the normal world, it is TOTALLY possible dudes.:)

Anyways, I hope you are having a lovely Tuesday! This week has been a super challenge already here, and the pressure that has been mounting in my lower back and pelvic area convinces me these last few days(or dare I even say it...weeks?!?!??!) are going to be an act of endurance to the max...

Cheers!

BONUS POST:Monday saved!

Turns out a way to get yourself out of a horrible emotional slump of a day is to:

1.Watch a NEW fun movie with your kiddos.
2.Make sure they have crayons.
(DUDE, crayons, scissors, paper, and costumes-the fourth item is not related to the first three items- are NEEDS in this family:)
3.Make a master plan for all my classes at BYU.:) Slow but steady is gonna have to win the race, and lets be perfectly honest...we will probably have another baby or two before I graduate.:) 

Lesson of today. To get out of a slump pray for a twinkle of hope for the future and peace for the present.

*****BJ, I am still handing the kids over to you ASAP when you get home, and please make me some healthy food....:)

Happy Monday!

The first horrible Monday in forever. There is a blessing somewhere in that statement.;)

I HATE wishing the days away.
I feel like this earth experience is such a blessing and everyday is so precious.
BUT
If this week could speed by at Godspeed, I would be really grateful.
It hasn't felt like HORRIBLE MONDAY in years.
Today it is definitely horrible.
I am tired.
I am in pain.
I have nothing to give my children.
They are watching Nanny McPhee which will probably give them all sorts of naughty ideas.
I am really over the watching movies all day everyday...like to the forever max.
I have been sitting here trying to think about how to make today better.
Prayer and scripture have been happening already, but I think today is just meant to be difficult.
Really, I think the truth is is that I need a nap to the max.
Dare I tempt the fates and take one?
Friday, come quickly PLEASE.
Make that Friday evening.
(then BJ will be home for the weekend again;)
I wish there was prenatal paternity leave....:)

QUESTION: What fun things are YOU doing this week?:)

Sunday Perspective Today:)

Yesterday there were SO MANY options for how to spend the day.
Family reunion an hour and a half away in Price.
Lavender Days in Mona.
Llama festival in Provo....etc...:)

We have been CRAZY busy and my kids have been super neglected.
We have just been trying to get stuff done, and I am getting more and more uncomfortable by the day.

So yesterday, even though we really wanted to be there, we decided to not drive down to Price and just have a BJHamaker family reunion.  We spent ALL day together in all sorts of combinations and activities, and just remembered why we love each other all day. We made a point of celebrating each child yesterday, and it was so needed.

We woke up kind of early and went down to the Lavender Days celebration in Mona and had a BLAST.  There was a full out jousting tournament with knights and acts of valor and skill in a real jousting castle set up thing.  Jane proved once again that she is SO MY DAUGHTER by immediately pointing out the handsomest knight and absolutely falling in love with him.  Her coyness was adorable to the extreme.:)
Denny LOVED the swordplay to the max, and when we got home immediately found his own sword and shield and showed us HIS skills.:)

There were also bounce houses and rides, and lots of activities.  There was a Western town as well as the Medieval town, and Denny and BJ went to watch an old fashioned western shootout while the girls and I went to a fairy tea party in the huge gazebo.  The western town had actors from the 7 Brides For 7 Brothers cast(from the show going on up in Sundance this summer) come and do some of the dance numbers, and of course Jane loved that millions.  The fairies at the tea party were so cool.  Alice was mesmerized by them, and loved dancing with them and making wishes with their fairy dust.:)

They had lavender lemonade which was totally crazy and Ningxia Red slushies that totally kicked you in the teeth, but was somehow addciting to the max....There was u-pick lavender in the lavender fields, and live music, and face painting.  It was SO MUCH FUN!  We all got our faces painted.  Jane and I became fairy princesses.  Denny had Spiderman going on.  Alice was the cutest little bunny(we call her our little brown bunny in our family:), and BJ was the funniest.  He got fake glasses painted on, and then proceeded to keep touching his face, so basically he looked like he had black and brown smudges ALL AROUND his eyes, and chin, and ears, and EVERYWHERE.  I had to finally just clean his face off for him, it was hilarious.

Whilst waiting for the jousting tournament to start we overheard a family behind us mention that there was a Highland Games festival in Payson, right on our way home, that was FREE.  I am very proud of my Scottish heritage, but I have NEVER been able to get to the Highland Games in all my years of knowing of their existence!  SO I HAD TO GO!  I mean, it was right on the way home, and I really wanted Denny to see the caber tossing(basically a dude picks up a GIANT log on its end, and then has to flip it over....CRAZY INCREDIBLE!!). 

Anyways, so after a full day at Lavender Days we stopped in Payson on the way home and celebrated the Scotts.:) AND THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN TOO! Although, by that point we were ALL getting on the tired side(OK, I was totally wiped out by then, but dude, it was the HIGHLAND GAMES!!:).  Clan Buchanan was sadly not represented(booth wise) which was a bummer, but it was so fun hearing the bagpipe and drum bands, and watch them compete.  We saw the caber tossing and that SUPER rocked.  Guys in kilts were EVERYWHERE which we loved.  BJ so needs to get a kilt, his frame is perfect to rock that style.:)  And he is sealed into my family, so he can claim Buchanan too.:) (PS, as a side note, my favorite version of the Buchanan plaid is the ancient weave. There are several versions, but that is my preference.  I like the colors best.:)

There were a ton of fun things to see and watch.  I wish we could have spent way more time there.:)

Anyways, today I am WIPED OUT, as you can imagine.  I feel totally like maybe today we will have a baby.:)  But really, I wish the baby could wait until this coming Friday(payday:), when we will have some funds in the bank....:)

Which brings me to my perspective for today.

I was so torn about how to spend time this weekend.  I REALLY wanted to attend the reunion, but it didn't feel right. For one thing, it felt just too far, and I have been super clingy to home lately.  Maybe because I haven't had a baby here with this town or midwife before.  I just feel a need to be close to home and not out in the middle of nowhere.  I feel like it was a super missed opportunity, but I also felt really strongly that we needed to focus on our little family for the day, and if we have this baby this week then that totally makes a lot of sense to me.  These kinds of decisions drive me crazy and fill me with guilt.  But I am glad I followed the spirit and hope that other opportunities will come to spend time with extended family.  We really love them millions too.:)

I do not feel prepared in a THINGS sense for the baby to come.  There are still things I haven't collected for the home birth and such, and I really do wish my home was a bit more together.  New baby doesn't feel like the right atmosphere to be doing serious unpacking and organizing.  I also haven't even started on her blessing gown....

BUT THINGS do not make a baby come, or really make the birth of the baby.  People have been having babies in the wilderness and under all sorts of circumstances for forever.  So, while I wish I was a bit more prepared for this little one, bring it on.:)  Whenever she comes it will be perfect. And I am excited.:)

Now I am going to go eat a ton of fruits and veggies and rest in bed. I hope everyone had such a blessed weekend.  Yesterday was so crazy, but man, I LOVE MY FAMILY SO MUCH!!!! I feel so exquisitely blessed to get to be a part of their lives.  This time I have with them is SO PRECIOUS.  AH!  I love them.

THE END.:)

A call for change please.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE TRUTH.
I love it so much.
It is tied for my love of beauty.
And when I think about it I can't think of one truly beautiful thing that isn't totally full of truth, and visa versa.;)

I also really struggle with being around negativity and sarcasm and mean spiritedness.
I grew up around some really sarcastic people who would joke really cruelly sometimes.
I grew up with relatives(mostly talking about the adult relatives I grew up with) that would be so unfeeling and truly selfish in their actions towards others.

I am not the most positive person always.
I get in a negative slump.
I have definitely said my share of hurtful and hateful and selfish things.
It is definitely easier and more natural feeling to be sarcastic because of how I grew up.
I ALSO know though in my heart this is not the way to be.
I do not glory in it.
It is not healthy or OK.
It affects others in horrible ways, for decades and even generations sometimes.
It DEFINITELY affects our families.

I remember when I met my future husband that his friends had this game they played called, "MO BJ."
The game went like this:
Find someone fatter than BJ and point them out and laugh really hard.

This was not funny to me, and I was shocked when BJ said he didn't really care.

How can it be OK to make fun of people like that?
And not just BJ, but the people that were larger than him?

We have a really powerful influence in the world to either build or tear down others.
I am not perfect. And I have a million clairillion flaws.
Like to the max.
BUT even with a million clairillion flaws to work on, isn't it better to try and work on them?
Shouldn't I and people in general try and change and build up people instead of tear them down?
Aren't there other ways to be funny?

Obviously we as a people also need to not be so sensitive, but sometimes I hear what people joke about, about dear friends and perfect strangers and I am just shocked! Out of all the millions of words to use and things to discuss, why do we choose to use that power of speech for negativity?

Literature and media in general is getting really dark and negative. 
We have to be more careful than ever to make sure we aren't exposing our thoughts to such things on a constant basis.

And then I think about my kids!
I remember what it was like growing up with adults who thought sarcastic, mean spirited jokes were OK.
Do I really want to pass that on to my kids?

One of my very favorite people in the whole world is President Gordon B. Hinckley.  I love him and his wife so much that Jane's middle name is Marjorie after his wife Marjorie Paye Hinckley.:)
I believe that this man is a prophet of God and when he talks about holy things he is using words for truth and good.

This is an AWESOME article about the importance of looking for truth and being a positive influence in the world. I know that the words in this talk are full of truth.  I love President Hinckley and I really think he is one of the best examples of being positive and uplifting to others.

Let's  build each other and others.  Let's clean up the negativity in the world and focus more on being loving and encouraging.  I don't always do this as best as I can, but I am always trying. Let's work together and make a positive change.:)

Why I will probably have a million babies.:)

This is a picture of a VERY pregnant woman.

This particular pregnant woman took THREE naps yesterday.

Typically it takes this particular Clair about an HOUR just to try and fall asleep for a nap.

This was NOT the case yesterday.

WEIRD!

She almost took a fourth nap, but it was after dinner and she knew falling asleep right before bedtime was probably going to make falling asleep FOR bedtime ironically difficult....and it was anyways...PS.

These are my beautiful children.

OHMYGATOR I LOVE THEM!!!

They are amazing and smart and wonderful.

They are hilarious to the max and have been playing so well together(for the mostest part;).

Yesterday they played together ALL DAY by themselves whilst I slept.

I could hear them while I was dosing off being so adorable and beautiful together.

It made me so sad I was so tired and ASLEEP.

A bit longer and I will be bodymyown again.

Life will still be crazy TO THE MAX!!

BUT

I will get to hold my favorite people SO MUCH closer to me.

I will be able (after a good recovery;) to wrestle and romp and be rowdy with my babies once again!

Those three kids up there are why I just want a million babies.

Every one of them brings such a unique and special and incredible JOY with them.

Joy that I can't find anywhere else in my life.

Being a part of their lives and teaching them and LOVING them, it is just so fulfilling!!

LOVING children as individuals, there is something there that is irreplaceable.

I love them SO MUCH.

SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

There are other babies and children that I have loved(and love) in my life that have not been my own, and the joy that I have found and find in those bonds are SO nourishing to the soul as well.

It is incredible!!
Truly loving children is magical.:)

I can't wait to meet this new little angel baby who will be joining our family sooner than soon!
What new joy will she bring?
I am so excited.:)

The end is near pregnant mumma.

Hang in there, and keep taking care of yourself so you can take care of those you love the most!!

PS.Pix from yesterday and today were taken by the amazing Kayla Crouch.:)

A beautiful post from a friend.:)

My friend Jamie wrote the most beautiful post about women last night, and I just couldn't think of anything more wonderful to share today!!  It is so beautiful!!!:)  This is what I was trying to say yesterday in my third post.  Communication of beautiful thoughts---->read HERE.  It is what writing is all about(at least a big part of it for me!!:).

HAPPY TUESDAY!!!!

ps.The five year old in the article above, yeah, that is MY Jane.:)  My darling motherheart daughter.:)

Afraid to make mistakes? ETHER 12:27 DUDE.:)

SO, you know what the above has in common?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW

I AM POSTING ALL THESE PARTICULAR PICTURES TODAY?!?!

ANY ONE WANT TO GUESS BEFORE I TELL YOU

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Anyone?!?!?

ME! ME! CHOOSE ME!!

OK YOU(ME, whatever:).

I will tell you whyfore all these BYU pix are being posted on Clair's blog today(for her THIRD POST OF THE DAY PS....oh brother...makes you wish she was back on facebook huh?:)

CLAIR HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED BACK AS A BYU STUDENT FOR THE UPCOMING WINTER TERM!!!!!

(January 7, 2013 is the first day of school!!!)

I AM SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!

AND NERVOUS AS ALL GET OUT!

You see, I am entering as an English major. OH BROTHER.

I have a huge testimony of Ether 12:27

"And if men come unto me I will show unto men their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong unto them."

English, spelling, grammar, writing in general, communicating in general....yeah, those are all basically weaknesses of mine.:) 

I really love words and communication. 

I really love self expression.

I am also someone who does not appreciate ego. 

THERE IS A LOT OF EGO in the literary world.

HOLY MOLY.

I have known a few exceptions to this thought.  My room mate in college is one of them.  If she has harsh words for the unlearned(to the English Major's opinion) she is THE MOST tactful about it, and she always loves the people first and foremost.  She is one the kindest individuals I have ever known period.:)

I think people get so distracted by the grammar and so forth that they forget about the point of words.

COMMUNICATION.

And that word----> "COMMUNICATION" has very little to do with words and SO MUCH MORE to do with PEOPLE.

PEOPLE.  You remember those?  Outside your window there?  You know, what the books are about and written by?

I LOVE PEOPLE. LOVE PEOPLE.

And that is what the English major is about for me.  Learning more about the thoughts of lots of different people and how they communicate those thoughts and learning how to express MY OWN thoughts better.:)

 BUT that being said, and back to the weaknesses thing, DUDE.  DUDE.  DUDE. 

I am a bit terrified out of my mind.

I was talking to a friend over the weekend about how in art you have to be unafraid to make mistakes because if you let yourself be afraid you will NEVER get your creations created.  That masterpiece will just stay right there in your head. FOREVER.

I feel that way about writing. 

Writing is scary.

My experience at university before was to write my college paper, spell check it, and then turn it in with never a look back.

Not very smart.

But I was so afraid of reading it and finding it so full of flaws that I would have no idea how to fix.

SO I embark in this new ENGLISH MAJOR with a purpose.

TO BETTER MYSELF.

I am so excited. I have never felt so right on the correct path and so full of "I have no idea WHY I am on this path!?!?!  WHERE WILL IT LEAD?!?!"

I have NO ambition to write a novel, or any such thing.

Not really.

I still don't know what exactly I have to say to the world.

I still don't know the purpose of Clair...as far as writing goes.

All I know is that I feel purpose there.

And that is an exciting feeling.

I love BYU SO MUCH.  I LOVE BYU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel SO BLESSED to get to go back and attend school there.

HAPPY DAY.