The Long, Lost Tale of Derwyndell-for BJ

***This was for an assignment for my Brit Lit class.  We had to copy a genre style that we were studying.  If you want to catch all the subtle Medieval nuances go find the tale of Pwyll on the internet.<---super easy to do.:)  BJ says my wee tale is fine on its own two feet...if you don't mind a bit of weird and unexplained(<---seriously, go look up Pwyll.:). Also as a last note, this tale has found a tender part of my heart so be kind in your comments.  I know that I am not a professional writer by ANY MEANS.

The Long, Lost Tale of Derwyndell
by Clair 

Once upon a time there lived a noble man by the name of Derwyndell.  He was the kindest man in the land, but he was very unhappy.  He had no need of being unhappy for indeed he was blessed with a strong back, and through his hard labors he had built himself up a little piece of land.  By making friends with his neighbor, he had also found in his neighbor’s daughter, a strong, fine country maiden to be his wife.   For a wedding present he had been given one fine cow, and by hard work in the fields had been able to barter some grain for two little, brown milking goats.  He had made his way in the world quite profitably, and yet Derwyndell was unhappy with his lot in life. 

There was another man in the land called Brudwyll. He was a great man who owned vast lands.  Derwyndell saw Brudwell and all the many servants and friends who surrounded him and helped him be happy.  Brudwell had a beautiful wife who was known throughout all the lands round about as the most lovely, most courteous, most devoted woman to her husband.  Brudwell owned one hundred horses of the shiniest black, he owned numerous cows, chickens, and pigs of all varieties. His castle was strong and ready for battle against the enemy and grand enough for rooming all his friends at a feast.  To Derwyndell he was the happiest and most blessed man he could think of.

One day Derwyndell was out, as usual, working hard in the fields when he thought he saw his two goats out of their pen walking toward the woods.  Alarmed at watching what little wealth he had walking away, he ran toward them to try and catch them.  Deeper and deeper into the forest he ran.  Soon he saw that the night was growing dim and the woods were growing darker.  With only the thought of his two precious milking goats Derwyndell ran on.  For two little goats they seemed to not ever tire of running.  On and on they ran.  Soon the light began to grow bright again and Derwyndell left one moment for thinking how strange that was. He ran on.  Ahead he saw a fork in the road.  Derwyndell began to panic as he picked up speed to catch the naughty goats before they each took a different fork.  With one mighty leap, using every last ounce of stretngth he had left from running for hours and hours,  Derwyndell stretched out his arms to the farthest they could go and missed the goats by a mere wit. Devastated, Derwyndell saw them each take a different fork in the road and he ran after the fattest and hopefully the slowest. 

            With more determination than ever and with despair in his heart over the loss of at least one goat, he ran on.  While running with the strength of a lost man, his head began to be filled with thoughts of all that he had never had in his life up to this point.  The lands he was not born with, and the horses and servants.  His time was not even his own as he had to work day and night to keep his meager life going, especially with the added weight of taking care of a wife.  Tears began to glisten in his eyes as he ran and ran. 

            If Derwyndell had been paying attention to more than his thoughts he would have noticed that the goat was now nowhere to be seen.  He would have also noticed how the leaves on the tree were so green one might call them blue.  In fact they were blue.  Blue and velvety soft.  The branches and trunks were so white they were almost silvery in the moonlight. All was quiet, except for the panting of Derwyndell and the silent sobs that broke out when he could take it no more and fell to the earth.

            When Derwyndell’s sobs quieted to hollow breathing he finally looked up and realized he was sitting in a clearing bright with moonbeams.  At first he thought he was alone.  He could hear nothing but the wind.  Then he listened deeper and noticed that birdsong was beginning to reach the meadow.  He looked in front of him and saw his two goats walking toward him.  Mesmerized by his good fortune, Derwyndell did not move. Then he noticed that behind the goats was a man.  A mighty man who seemed to glow.  His beard was a rich brown and full and long.  His Robes were also a rich brown and flowing about him in many layers.  The embroidery upon his mantel was the most delicate and exquisite that Derwyndell had ever before seen.  Even Brudwyll could not boast of such accouterments as these.  The man held a long staff before him and as he approached, Derwyndell thought he had never seen a man so mighty, so prosperous, and so wise looking as this man. 

            The goats came to a stop beside Derwyndell and then the man came to a stop and looked at Derwyndell with piercing eyes.

            “Why hast thou come to this wood?” His deep voiced boomed as quietly as a tree falling in a distant wood. 

            “My goats ran into the forest and I hastened to catch them.”

            “Are they so precious that thou couldst not replace them with other goats?”

            “My lord, I am but a humble man, and must work very hard to have just these goats. They are precious to me.”

            “Is thy work so very difficult and wearisome?  What good do these goats bring to thy house?”

            “My good lord, they bring extra milk which I can sell to my neighbors.”

            “Dost not thy cow give thee enough milk?  Why work so hard to improve thy lot by so little?”

            “Faith, I am not content with what I have, and I desire the good things in life that every man should have.”

            “Truth thou sayest.” Though the lord did not clarify his meaning, and Derwyndell came away with quite the wrong one.

            The great lord continued, “Derwyndell, for I do know thy name, thou hast come into the forest looking for two brown goats.  Thou hast been discontent with thy lot in life.  I shall now show thee the way to what thy heart seeks.  If I show thee how to do that wilt thou be content with what thou shalt receive?”

            “If my lord canst show me the way to my heart’s desire, I shall indeed be content when it has been fulfilled.”

            “Thou sayest well, Derwyndell.  In a year and a day meet me again here in this clearing. “

            “How shall I find my way?”

            “In a year and a day thou shalt let thy goats loose into the woods.  Follow them and they shall lead thee to this clearing where I shall meet thee with due instruction. Do not ever kill these two goats, or thy doom shall be sealed.  Should they become sick thou must nurse them to health with every breath of thy body. ”

            “I shall meet my lord in a year and a day in this clearing.”

            Derwyndell knelt down to seal his vow, and when he looked up the mighty lord was gone.  In amazement Derwyndell pulled a string from his mantel and tied the two goats, one  on each end, and led them home.  The walk was a short one for how much he had run that day.  His wife met him at the door and looked at him with wonder that his face did shine so.  Saying nothing, he penned up the goats and asked for his supper. 

            And so Derwyndell kept his troth for a year and a day.  In the meantime his wife had given birth to a child, a young son.  Derwyndell was pleased to have a son to take on his name when he would someday leave the earth.  The neighbors all rejoiced and the wife was enormously pleased.

One night the baby was very sick. Derwyndell’s wife neglected everything in the home to look after the wee son.  Derwyndell looked on with worry as well, as the child got sicker and sicker.  He went out to the animal shed to check on the animals to help him take his mind off his worry.  With alarm ever rising, Derwyndell realized that his goats were lying prostrate on the ground, shaking all their limbs in a fever.  All thoughts of his son left him as he thought of what might be lost if the goats died.  The son reached a crisis point and the wife called for her husband to come back into the house, but he would not leave the goats. 

By the morrow, the son’s illness had passed and he was out of danger.  The goats too had made it through the evening and were on the mend.  The wife could not believe that her husband had not helped her in her vigil with their only son.  Derwyndell said nothing, feeling that his choices had been merited by all they would soon have with the great man’s aid.

The son grew strong that first year and amazed all the neighbors with words uttered profound for such a small lad.  Derwyndell worked hard, and while he loved his son, he had a hard time thinking much on him as he worked day and night to make better their lives.

When the time came for Derwyndell to go into the wood he led the goats to the forest edge and followed them in.  Soon the goats picked up their speed, though they seemed to go no faster.  Derwyndell began to run and run.  He ran until his lungs burned and his feet blistered.  His hair streamed with sweat, and his mouth ran dry. When he could go no further he fell to the ground feeling his doom upon him as the goats ran ahead and were gone.

When Derwyndell opened his eyes he noticed the leaves above him were so green that they seemed to be blue.  They were blue, and so velvety soft.  Their branches shone in the moonlight like silver.  A light from the south finally distracted him and he looked over his shoulder into a clearing.  With energy afresh he leaped up and into the clearing.  Sure enough, there were his two goats and the man.

“By my faith good lord, I thought I had failed you.”

“Derwyndell, thou hast found me again in the forest.  How hast thy year gone?”

“I kept the goats well my lord, and have worked as hard as ever so as to be worthy of this great gift of your wisdom.”

“Hast nothing else occurred of importance this last year?”

“By my faith lord, I cannot think of anything else. The goats were very ill one evening, but I kept my vigil. I am ready to begin to learn how to make my life better so I may be content.”

With a hint of sorrow in the great man’s deep, brown eyes, he took a deep breath and said, “Derwyndell there are 100 lessons thou must learn to gain all that thou desirest. Every year a day from now thou shalt meet me here and learn one lesson to master in the next year and a day.”

With despair pouring from every fiber of Derwyndell, he swallowed deeply, and with drawn limbs whispered, “But my lord, I am already in my thirtieth year.  How shall I learn all these lessons?  Surely I will die before I do.”

“I shall grant thee a special gift to aid thee Derwyndell.  I shall make it so that as long as thou keepest these goats alive thou shalt live forever.  Thou shalt never grow one bit greyer or leaner.  Thou shalt live as the Gods and learn and gain all that thou desirest.”

“My lord!  How wondrous!”

The great man went on to tell Derwyndell his first lesson. At the end of the hour Derwyndell knew it by heart, and they left vowing to meet again in a year and a day. Through the whole journey back home, Derwyndell marveled at his great fortune.

The year passed and Derwyndell’s coins began to increase.  The neighbors marveled and whispered their thoughts. They had no idea how Derwyndell could gain such wealth.  Was he not but a poor man?  He had no wealthy relatives.  Had he met someone who had been a benefactor?  Had he perchance saved someone in the wood and had been greatly rewarded?  Their thoughts also turned darkly.  Had Derwyndell killed a man for his gold?  Were his dealings not so honest as they had aforethought?

Derwyndell’s wealth grew and grew.  He spent many evenings digging in his field.  The neighbors thought he was planting seeds, and thought, “How superstitious our friend Derwyndell is growing, to plant by the light of the moon.”  Derwyndell was not planting seeds, though; he was burying his great wealth.  He thought of very little that year except for his gold coins and silver, and his goats.  He thought, “What a wonderful man am I.  How happy my family must be when I bring home so much wealth.” His wife at first marveled, and then worried.  Derwyndell no longer came in to sleep with the family every night.  Perhaps once a month she could convince him to leave his field-wandering vigil for one night and spend some time at home.  Surely, with so much gold and silver they could enjoy more time in each other’s company.  And every man needs his sleep at night, or else he will fall ill.  But Derwyndell did not fall ill.  In fact he grew mysteriously strong.  His son was also growing, though not too much in stature as he was still quite young.  In words, though, he was increasing daily.  His father could neither read nor write, nor could his mother, but the son could do both without being taught.  He could also sing, and often sat at his mother’s knee singing beautiful songs that made the birds want to join, as they often did.

At the end of the year and a day Derwyndell left for the woods with his goats.  He was strong and had a purpose about him that the neighbors noticed as he walked past and into the woods. 

Again Derwyndell chased his goats, this time he was a little less exhausted.  He had prepared a bit more.  Indeed he had spent a year and a day thinking of this day and preparing for it.  He had his wife make for him shoes that had double soles of thick leather.  He had his wife make him clothes that were light and airy so as not to impede his swift journey.  Still there came a point where the goats, untiring in their speed, left Derwyndell behind, panting in their dust trails.

He gasped for air, and finally when he could look about him without sweat pouring into his eyes he saw the leaves and the bark of the trees around him and quickly scanned for the clearing that he knew was near. The goats and the great man were waiting.

“Good morrow Derwyndell, how hast thy year been with thy family?”

“By my faith great lord, we have buried enough gold and silver to build an entire castle out of just those two things, with rooms enough to hold all the great lords of the land.”

“Indeed Derwyndell?  And no other wondrous things have been happening in thy life this last year?”

“I cannot think of anything my lord.”

With a breath of sadness lingering in those deep, dark brown eyes, the great man taught Derwyndell the second lesson.  As the birds ended their nightsong the two men parted with a vow to meet in a year and a day.

The next year passed swiftly with many goings on.  Derwyndell’s fame and fortune had spread to the great lords of the land and he began to be invited to hunts and gatherings.  He spent almost all his time up at the Lord Brudwyll’s castle.  Now having several times met the Brown Lord in the wood, Derwyndell looked on at Lord Brudwell, and thought what a less significant man he actually was.  He really was nothing much special. 

Derwyndell had kept his youthful good looks, in fact he had largely improved them since he had begun meeting in the wood with the Brown Lord.  Everyone marveled at his manly body.  Derwyndell’s head began to swell with the good views of everyone around him.  Indeed, not everyone, as all his neighbors whom he had known for years and decades had begun to mistrust him.  He never helped out on the farms as he used to.  He left his wife and growing son alone for days and nights on end.  The only thing he seemed to care about was the gold he had, his new friends in court and his goats.  Indeed, the neighbors had begun to talk about the mystique surrounding Derwyndell and his two goats.  He was never without them, and even on a hunt would carry them with him on his horse in a strangely fashioned contraption.  The ladies of the court thought Derwyndell vastly amusing, and so different than their own Lords.  His wife worried.

His son looked on and seemed to understand something that Derwyndell did not.  His speech and song continued to grow and even though the neighbors and his mother thought him of great mind and soul, Derwyndell did not take more than a moment’s notice.

The years went on and Derwyndell continued to care for his goats and make his vigil to the forest.  He did not grow older, though his family did.  After he made his name known in court he dug up his gold and built the most amazing and beautiful castle ever known to man. It was the strongest, most fortified castle anyone had ever seen.  There was a large room in the middle for gatherings and festivals and feasts, but no extra chambers, except those for his small family, to hold any guests over night.  Derwyndell had grown in fame, but had lost most of his friends and really did not care to have friends anyways, since having people think well of him in a public way was more important than people thinking he was wonderful outside of fame and fortune.

His wife grew old, as did his son.  His son grew strong and handsome.  He could read and write and wrote many important books for his time on kindness and hard work.  Those who knew him and his father marveled how such a son could be.  His mother looked on with pride and sadness.  He was her only son, an amazing son, but her only joy.  Derwyndell did not understand his wife.  He could not see how she could be so unhappy with all they had.  Had he not done and gained almost everything they could wish for?

The years passed, and on the 50^th meeting of the great man and Derwyndell, the great man querried, “Derwyndell, thou art getting close to knowing all that I know.  Thou hast amassed a great deal of wealth and property.  Art thou any closer to finding contentment?”

“Indeed lord, I have amassed much of what my heart desired.  There is still more to learn, though, and I vow to learn it.”

The great man stood taller, and asked, “Derwyndell, hath anything besides thy wealth and property grown in the last year?”

Derwyndell looked puzzled.  He had lost the power to think of anything besides his wealth and goats. He thought of his castle and servants.  He thought of his 5oo horses, 1000 cows, 2000 goats, 1500 chickens, 3500 pigs.  He thought of his silks, and linens.  He thought of how many people respected him as a great lord of the land.  He thought of the fleets of ships he had commissioned to build, and the journeys across the many waters he was to take in the following years.  Short trips of course, so that he could come back to the woods in due time for this annual meeting.  Indeed all his plans usually worked around this annual meeting. 

“If anything lord, the only other thing that has grown is my discontent.  By gaining more wealth and knowing more people I am learning how much more there is in the world, and I want to know it all.”

The great man drew his sword and chopped a tree down.

“Derwyndell I shall tell thee a great secret. Thou hast more in thy castle than thou art aware.  The next lesson is to find that which thou hast not known that has been there always.”

Perplexed Derwyndell made his annual vow to return in a year and a day. The next year he made a list of all that was in the castle:  every shoelace, every bonnet.  It took a year exactly to get it all down.  At the end of the year he looked in despair at his list.  He had every servant look at the list and confirm that there was nothing he did not know was there a year ago.  Not a mouse had been found, not a piece of lint over a week old.  In deeper despair and without much explanation, he took the list to his wife who had been taught to read by her son.   She looked up from her bedclothes.  She was quite old by now, almost 80 by the sun’s rising and setting.  She called for extra candles to be lit and the curtains flung open so that she could see the carefully scribed lists better.  She went over every item, not understanding why her husband was in such despair to find some thing he did not know they had.  Finally she asked him what she had been longing to ask for their entire marriage. She had been meek and trusting, though she had seen such a change in the man she had married.  So long ago he had been hard working and honest.  They were poor, but she thought they had been happy and that the future had seemed bright.  Now he was still hard working, but never home.  Their family had been an estranged one, with hardly any spoken word between them.  She had been faithful, as had he, but only in the sense that he had no other love but fame and fortune and the two little brown goats.  How those goats could have lived so long, she did not know. 

With a quiet voice she asked, “Why is this so important husband? Why art thou so despairing to find something lost when thou hast so many other things.  Indeed thou hast enough things to fill five volumes of books.  Thou hast servants, and vassals, and this castle made of gold and silver.  Thou hast horses, and animals enough to serve several villages.  Thou hast a wife who has been faithful and a son who is intelligent and is wondrous in thought and deed. What more couldst thou desire?  Why canst thou not be content?”

Derwyndell told his wife the tale he had never told her.  He had never thought to tell her before. Indeed Derwyndell had never thought of many important things outside his desire for contentment, which is why he never found it.  After speaking to his wife he went to bed.  He woke up the next day and followed his goats into the woods.  His neighbors, long dead, watched from Aryndell.  His wife, back in the castle, called for her clothes and a horse.

She was carefully clothed in purest silver garments.  They hung about her form like weeping willow.  Her hair was plaited in a circlet-like crown most glorious. Her bright blue eyes shone deep with clarity and purpose.  She seemed to transform in front of her servants eyes into the most wise and virtuous woman they had ever laid eyes on.

She mounted her steed with strength.  She calmly set out, though the horse swiftly moved with hoof-sounds of rain and thunder. She passed Derwyndell in the wood, and he marveled at such a grand lady alone in the forest.  He had no thought that his wife was the lady clad in silver, like a white queen shining in the sunshine, though he thought, “Moonlight would become her best.”

When at last exhausted and despairing he fell into the clearing, he saw the maiden.  Or he saw the light around what he thought was a maiden and her steed, so bright was she shining.  He shielded his eyes and tried to speak but the light impeded his words. 

They waited.

The light continued to blaze.

The shadows around him grew as the sun began to set.

Stars arose slowly one by one.

All was quiet and still in the forest.

The moon rose as big as the known world and milky white with the most brilliant moonshine.

The lady’s brilliance seemed to grow brighter and softer at the same time.

As Derwyndell tried to see without becoming blind, he noticed a hand touch his shoulder.  He turned around and saw the Brown Lord.  As the Brilliant Lady was now behind him all her light shone on the Brown Lord and he was also brilliant.  He was still clothed all in Brown, but in the Lady’s light they also had a white look about them.  They were both brown and white at the same time.

“Derwyndell, didst thou find what thou hadst and did not know?”

“No lord, I have indeed failed in that quest though I took great pains to mark down every tiny and great thing I owned.”

The lady moved behind Derwyndell and a million doves flew from every branch of every tree surrounding the clearing. 

Derwyndell turned and saw his wife, Brethwyllin. She was glorious.  Her virtue was bright, brighter than the sun.  Her beauty shone in a way he had never noticed. He realized in that moment that he had never noticed, for he knew in that moment that she had been that way the whole time.  Inside herself she had been that brilliant, that faithful, that wise, that good, that everything he needed. 

He left the forest.  He went to his castle.  The road was long.  He penned his goats, and began his vigil for the next year and a day.

Years later when he reached his 100^th lesson he was old and young.  His hair was still brown.  His son was now quite old.  Indeed his son was on his deathbed about to die of a long and happy life surrounded by grandchildren and great grandchildren.  The Brown Lord met Derwyndell for the last time.  And when he returned all was gone and forgotten and tarnished and old.  He buried his goats and took up a new pilgrimage for Aryndell.

Super quick post so I don't forget what I learned today.

NO time for editing, just wanted to get my thoughts down today.

I worked harder on my French homework this week, then EVER.
I knew this test was coming, and wanted to just kick its trash.
This morning I took a shower and got straight to work.
Studied SO HARD.
SO HARD>SOOOOOO HAARRDDDD.
Got dropped off for my test.
My last test took 50 minutes.
This one took over 2 hours...and I still wasn't really done.
Hadn't checked my answers either.
So much I just didn't remember.:/
Stupid "une commode" especially.
Feeling so depressed.
Forgot my phone so I had to speed walk home to get ready for the next thing on the list.
The 100 year b-day party for the ward that I volunteered to help out with.
NO TIME TO GET READY.
Bj is home with kids.
Let's not think about how he was awesome for taking care of so many things today, because he probably does not have the kids ready for the party.  They probably haven't eaten dinner.  There is PROBABLY utter chaos.  And I have so many things to do to get ready, and no time!
I totally am not wanting to sing at the party. 
I really just want to cry and hide under my covers...for like a week.
SO STRESSED OUT!!!

<LIGHT BULB----->Studying for this test was hard.
Taking the test was hard...especially cause it felt so awful not knowing near as much as my hard work should have shown. Seemingly wasted effort IS SO LAME. 
BUT even harder than all that is me having to have a hard, stressed out moment and coming out of it so the evening can progress and be OK.  <-----I need to learn how to do this MORE THAN I need to learn French.  Usually when I have a hard experience it ruins AT LEAST the rest of the day.  I just can't seem to get over the funk. But today I made it work(with the help of HEAVEN AND BJ:).

So, perhaps poorly explained, today I learned again that failure is VITAL to this earth experience.  It would have been SO AWESOME to ace the test, and to have a smoothly run evening. SO AWESOME. SO.FREAKING.AWESOME. BUT!!!! It was way awesomer to have a super SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER lame horrible HORRIBLE early evening that made me stretch my character and grow.  It made me lean on the spirit and make myself change and hope and know that the effort I put forth DOES make a difference. I can make change in me happen. And it is the hard times where I can do that.

There was a bit of a tantrum, and definitely some tears, and then there was a blessing, and tentative progress.  I went to the party.  I had immediate follow through with specific things from the blessing BJ gave me.  It was AWESOME. And I sang(after breaking down in the practice, which was OK.:), and it wasn't a horrible, insincere thing.  I think the frog in my throat actually left a bit even somewhere in the middle of it.

I had friend chats and "I love BJ" moments. (And "he loves me back" moments too.:)

Heavenly Father is the kindest and most knowledgeable father.  I am so grateful for the heartache and healing of today.

A mental jog through ideas about women and herds.:)

This is Clair trying to figure out a part of "forever Clair-le sigh." More of a mental exercise than a "I am super depressed and need to get it out" type post.

It is a well known fact that women run in herds.  The most made fun of instance of this is of course the way women go to the bathroom...you know....in groups of twenty or thirty or something.:)

We love to do things together.  Girls nights out, girls weekends, trips to the mall, pedicure parties, ALL sorts of parties for that matter.  We just love to be together.  We rejuvenate each other with our sameness.  Our similar trials and tribulations.  Struggles with self, children, husbands, birth choices, life choices....We invigorate each other with similar interests: books, tv shows, movies, etc... We create a community through togetherness.

So what do you do when you don't "fit"?  When Twilight and vampires fill you with yuck instead of glitter? When popular tv shows make you feel downright grotty? It isn't even that you are being stuck up and not liking them, they just really make you feel yucky to the max.  What do you do when you are still having babies, will be until the Millennium probably :), and your friends have moved on to the next phase? Leaving you all alone in babyland, whilst it feels like if you haven't moved into post babies body and home, then you are just super unkept, and must just be masochistic or something.  I mean WHY would you choose to be different?

Ah, there's the rub: CHOOSING to be different.  I don't know about you, but I get really uncomfortable when I am not myself.  Probably because I am not myself.  I am not sure who I am.  Some Twilight Zone version of myself.

I guess it is a choice wherein I am choosing to be MYSELF, instead of trying to fit in.  But I don't see as that helps anything. And would it be anywhere close to right to try and choose to be someone else?  Just to fit in?  Would I be a better Clair if I liked Twilight, or Modern Family? I ask myself these questions ALL THE TIME. I mean the "you are weird/crazy/etc looks" start to wear after awhile you know? And this new experience of a million 20 somethings doing it all at once whilst wearing their uber cool Stephen Madden boots and skinny jeans is a bit overwhelming at times.  I mean, how out of touch with "reality" can I be?!

In my bouts of despair I can only see two options.  Be myself, and feel left out, or try to be like others and feel miserable inside. And that is where I get stuck.

It is hard to find the things that we share in common in the face of all the things about us that are different. And yet we are all unique. We all are different shapes and colors and sizes.  We all have a different, completely unique purpose in this life.  Our backgrounds are different. Our seemingly similar presents are in actuality different. We get up at different times, have different priorities when we look at our day. 

Perhaps in our differences we can find sameness.  I am a woman.  You are a woman. We are different women, but we are both women.  I have hopes and dreams. They may be different than your hopes and dreams, but you have them and so do I.  I have doubts and fears, maybe not the same as yours, but we both have them.  I want to be the best me.  This one gets tricky.  Does everyone want to be the best "them"?  I don't know. I think deep down they do.  Why do we settle for less than ourselves?  Maybe here the circle comes round again.  Sometimes do we not be OURSELVES so that we can "fit in"? 

Feeling lonely is THE WORST.  It absolutely distracts one from their purpose, and from doing anything good, or from making any kind of progress.  It is an overwhelming feeling that debilitates and destroys.  We just have such a deep and inherit need to be with the group. I don't think that is a bad thing. 

This is rather a depressing post. I honestly don't have any answers to this problem. Though one thought does come to mind.---> One time I asked BJ where he got his confidence(talk about a dude who is different...going to college at 12!) and he said that to have true confidence one must be perfectly honest with oneself and with others...and I would add with God.  I think when I worry about this not feeling enough like others, maybe I am not being as true and confident as I could be.  AND maybe I am not BUSY ENOUGH DOING GOOD.  If I was busy maybe I wouldn't notice the differences so much, having a heart full of charity in a real sense.  Whilst actively loving others it is a lot harder to worry about oneself so consciously.(others conscious vs. self conscious :) )

OK, so "others conscious".  Mission declared.  Hopefully soon it will be mission accomplished.:)

CLAIR!!!!

Today I turn 30! WOOT!  I am SOOOOO excited! And SUPER not in a facecious way.  I really am excited.  My 20's had some stinking hard years in them, and I am ready to celebrate and grow and just have a super awesome new decade begin in my life. Because I have a super Miss Piggy complex I am going to do my favorite thing.-----> Give you a list, based on my age, of things you may or may not know about ME. Starting school this week has completely fried my brains so forgive any weird ramblings or whatever....:)

THIRTY!!!! Things to know about MOI.


1.I want ten kids. Probably more.  I am not a masochist or a martyr.  I just love kids.  I love family.  I think too there is a deeper root there.  A need to make a better, more beautiful childhood for my children than I had.  I had a wonderful family growing up, but there were some serious tradgedies that I hope to "re-do" with my own children.  Plus, BJ and I make the cutest kids ever.  I want to collect them all.;)

2.I have yet to feel like a real adult. I should post about this some other time. Explanation TOO LONG. I think the gist is I see too much what I believe the world considers "adultlike" behavior and likes, and I just do not want to fit THAT category.  I am still too "young" for too many things.:)

3.I feel like crap when people are vulgur or crass around me. For like days sometimes.  I have such an ache for beauty and goodness and light and truth.  I feel SO GOOD and peaceful inside when I am around those things.

4.I want to read Verne in the original French.

5.I AM OBSESSED WITH THE NUMBER FIVE. We have been learning about the golden rectangle in my art class, and I think the number five is the numerical equivelant.  It is so beautiful.  Both round and corner-y.  My balance comes with the number 5.:) (Hence where ten kids came from fyi.  Five for me, five for BJ.  That sounds about right.;)

6. I believe there is good in about 99.99999999... percent of the people on this earth.  More importantly, whatever choices they have made here, they came from heaven originally and that should make a difference in how I treat them.

7.One of my favorite quotes is: Two men walked in the rain. One hated it. One loved it. They both got wet. I think I wrote that quote in every year book I ever signed. Also, I really do ADORE the rain.:)

8.I love talking about the gospel with people. I have a great love for my Savior and for my Heavenly Father. I love the Plan of Salvation, even though it is a tough plan to carry through sometimes.:)

9.I want Babydoll Southdown Sheep someday.

10. You know I consider you my close friend if I have shared BearHaven with you.

11.I have never finished writing down any of the fairytales I have written because I always get distracted by wanting to illustrate all the characters.:)

12.Most of the time I am typing on the computer I have a baby in my arms.

13.I am terrified of my dreams, and the power I sometimes see in myself.

14.I believe that, "we love eachother" is not a good enough reason to get married.

15.I sometimes use my womanly wiles on BJ for my own selfish purposes. <Stretch!>  Oh, I just am so tired.  And hungry....<stretch!> I could really use a sandwhich. <BJ with appreciative eyes>, I would love to go to the four corners of the earth for any sandwhich you desire at this very moment.  I think I will take out the garbage as well. And hold that baby so you can do whatever you want to do.(mission accomplished).

16.I love to create. ANYTHING. Creation is one of the most beautiful virtues we get to experience in this life. And when YOU put light and beauty together. Man, that is divine.

17.I am not always sure if I will like heaven.  I am not so crazy as a masochist, but there is SOMETHING to the struggle that feels so good when it is over.  Heaven doesn't sound like much of a struggle.  It sounds full of learning and work(which I also love), but not so much gardening in a struggly way. ;)

18.I think that when people are starving maybe spending billions of dollars on getting to a super far away planet is totally, completely innapropriete. Hello!

19. I can NOT seem to figure out how to spell "appropriate" or innapropriate". Ohbrother.

20.The first time Jane colored on the wall I thought it was adorable.  I was like, "yeah!  You are a kid!  You color on the wall!  That is what kids do!" After that it was WAY less cute, and then atrocious, as we did not own our home anymore....

21. After I met BJ, when we were 16, he became the measure of "cool" for every boy I met after that.  Can Charles swing dance like Groucho and sing opera?  Does Danny wear awesome wool pants?  Did Mikey gradauate high school at 12?  I didn't think so.  :) I still had crushes on other guys, but BJ was the standard of awesome.  AND I GOT TO MARRY HIM!!!!!:)<--- I think probably every woman should feel this way about her husband.:)

22.I am afraid to go to so many places in the world, but I think if I saw them from the deck of a very large cruise ship I would be less afraid. Especially if I was on a large cruise ship.<---purposeful redundancy.  I love to be on a large cruise ship.:)

23.I want everyone to like me. I make a lot of different choices than other people, and it makes it hard sometimes to feel accepted.  I have a strong belief in stewardship, and in the very realness of answered prayers for your specific mission in life.  Making different choices shouldn't mean not being friends, but in this world it really feels like it is sometimes and it makes me sad.  Can't we disagree and not resort to abuse for those who are not the same as us? Popular opinion is everything nowadays, and I really disagree with A LOT of popular opinion.

24.Gardening makes me SO HAPPY. <---that lovely creating vibe again.:) I want to live in a huge forresty garden that is acres and acres of gorgeousness....minus big, scary, sharp-toothed animals that could eat me.

25.HERBS SAVED MY LIFE. Literally.  I believe in the power of garlic and food and lifestyle choices. It doesn't mean my family is never sick, or only eats sprouts.  It does mean, we try very hard to be better everyday and lots of times we fail and lots of times we succeed.

26.It is on my bucket list to bump into Brad Wilcox somewhere, whilst I live in Provo.  When I hear the song, "Jesus Wants ME For a Sunbeam." I think of Brad Wilcox.:)

27.I have a strong belief in the sacredness of our bodies.  I have had several experiences that have made me come to that feeling.  One was when I had my last daughter.  I was given a blessing, and told that birth is very like unto an ordinance. Our bodies growing from almost nothing, we are so small at first, into a whole baby is a miracle.  And that coming out of our mothers' into this world is just something so sacred and intense and such a vital part of our eternal growth. Being in this world is a sacred, literally once in a lifetime experience.  The second experience I had was after my birth father passed away two summers ago.  I had always thought that once you were dead, you were dead.  Please don't spend a ton of money burying me, I just don't see the point.  My father was creamated.  We had to pick a box to put his body in, to be burned with him.  It was essentially something very disposable(the box). There were many options.  Everything from literally a cardboard box to boxes VERY fancy(basically burnable super fancy coffins).  His body was dead, his spirit was gone, and yet I could not put that body in a cardboard box.  I felt such an overwhelming sacredness for the body that housed my father's spirit on this earth.  It was a feeling I will never forget and something that definitely changed my views on what our bodies really are.  They are sacred vessels of our spirits.  And sometimes they are lame with illness, or lame with fatness, or whatever, but they are still sacred.  And it is part of the reason I can not give into the worldly way of looking at each other.  When I see a baby, I see truth and beauty and sacredness.  A spirit has come into a body and has a whole mission to perform in this life.  It has a million things to learn and discover.  I don't see ugliness. And I have kind of come to a conclusion for myself that it is only worldly thinking that leads to thinking people are ugly, or actual wickedness in the person.  The picture of Dorian Grey is more truthful than the world wants us to believe I suspect.

28.I am absolutely as insecure as I can be about speaking and writing, but I have huge overwhelming waves inside me that burst forth with incredible NEED to express myself and what I am and what I am feeling inside me.  BUT I also feel that with free speech comes a HUGE responsibility to express yourself appropriately, and hopefully I can learn to do that better and better everyday. When we speak in groups and on facebook, we speak to real people, with real feelings, and I think too often we forget in our need to express. Especially when we are in groups of people where many of us feel the same way about people.  Too much inappropriate abuse of the opposite party is happening. Too much, "This is what I feel, I don't care if it hurts anybody."  It does hurt people.  I need to work on it too.

29.I plan on enjoying the rest of my life to the fullest. I LOVE LIFE!!! I plan on enjoying every birthday I have! And I hope when I die, BJ and I just die in each other's arms peacefully. Cause seriously, either of us leaving before the other would be unacceptable!!!(P.S. I heard of a couple who prayed to die in eachothers' arms when they were old, and it happened. I think this is hopeful.:)

30.This year I have many goals.  But my main goal is to kick fear in the face for good*. I am so afraid of so many things and it is just too wearing! Faith not fear.:) Every one of my classes has been helping this goal.  Ballet especially. There are THREE boys in my class(emphasis on BOYS-I am so old;).  NO leg warmers, no hip warmers or skirts.  Just the body in tights basically. OHMYGATOR. Carrots and celery anyone?!
* I do not include my fear of sharks in this goal of no more fear.  Sharks are scary and SHOULD be feared.:)

The end!  If you know me, you know I am windy!  Hopefully that was interesting and not a complete waste of your day!  Love you the most. Thank you for loving me.:)  And enjoy my birthday!!! PLEASE!:)

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