My Hero.:)

THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY BELOVED(and me;).

Last night I had a super disturbing nightmare.  I won't go into details, but it was so disturbing that I woke up completely terrified and like I couldn't trust anybody. It was the kind of dream that makes you feel VERY GRATEFUL not to have lived in the Nazi Germany days, or the witch hunt McCarthy era. If you know what I mean.  It was about 5am when I awoke from the dream just truly completely terrified.  And I reached over and touched BJ on the shoulder. 

And he woke up.

And he held me.  And then he said a prayer with me and gave me a blessing.

And then he read me scriptures until I felt calm again and could fall back asleep.

He read me about John in the New Testament.  And then about Elijah in the Old Testament where it talks about how the angels joined their armies.  And then he read me some beautiful scriptures out of the Book of Jacob in the Book of Mormon.

I felt so safe and eventually I calmed down. 

I am SO GRATEFUL for BJ in my life.  He is my best friend.  He makes our life possible daily, and never complains about me being chronically ill or how much work he has to do. 

This week we are moving and the posts on this blog will probably be a bit sparse and/or completely random.:) 

Today I just wanted to share a few things I LOVE ABOUT BJ!
(It would take about fifty million blog posts to share EVERYTHING I love about him;)

When we were first married BJ asked me what I wanted for my birthday.  I thought of the awesomest, most impossible thing : GOING TO DISNEYLAND. And he MADE IT HAPPEN. He makes all my dreams reality.:)

When we lived in Vegas Disneyland was only a few hours away, so one year we got annual passes.  They used to sell foot long hot dogs and we would split one.:)  We would walk around the park eating our hot dog just like this picture.:) We are so silly together and romantic.:)

BJ is our RESIDENT HERO.  He can fix/build ANYTHING.  He is EXTREMELY MANLY and he is really HOT too.:) I think up all sorts of furniture/projects for him to do, and he MAKES IT HAPPEN.  He says I make our life beautiful, and I say he makes our life possible.:)

BJ loves being outside in nature and in the garden just as much as me.  In our garden in Vegas we would work together and call each other Adam and Eve.:)  He is such the perfect companion for me.:)

BJ is an INCREDIBLE Dad.  He is so hilarious and fun for the kids to wrestle and play around with.  He is so creative in the games he thinks of to play with the kids.  He also is so unselfish with his time and energy and never frets about helping out.  He just does it.:)

I gotta mention too.  BJ is an incredible musician and has written me so many beautiful songs.  He is the darlingest one.:) I am so grateful he fulfills my dreams of romance.:)

BJ is the best FOR ME.  I worry that I am getting WAY more out of this relationship than he is, but he NEVER sees it that way.  He loves me more than anyone else has in my whole life. 

He absolutely rocks, and I am so thankful that I get to share eternity with him.:)

Love you forever Beloved!

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Whether you are married, single, etc...who in your life are you especially grateful for?  Today is the perfect day to tell them you love them.:) Happy Monday!

Bonus Post!: A REALLY GOOD SIGN. or Clair might achieve NORMALCY afterall.;)

So this last week and weekend I have been feeling....ODD.  Like, not myself.  Like I don't know really how to describe it.
I feel CALM.  I feel like NO WORRIES MAN.  I feel very comfortable doing NOTHING. Like AT ALL nothing. 

We finally got word last week that not only can we rent the house we wanted to, but also that our apartment lease has officially been sold.

We were dying of impatience waiting for those two things to happen so we could start packing for the move.

Well the good news came....and went.

I was on semi-bed rest the other week and was told I couldn't really participate in the physical part of packing and moving, but the normal Clair still would have been involved mentally and emotionally.  You know, planning, organizing, bossing BJ around, stressing, etc.

I DID NONE OF THAT LAST WEEK.

I had a friend over and was trying to explain how I have been feeling lately.  The only way I could describe it was that I felt "boring" and like I have nothing to say.  And I don't really have any motivation to do anything, but not in a bad way.  Maybe content? WEIRD feeling.  I feel weird inside.  And kind of empty, as in no thoughts, not as in I have nothing left to give.

Yesterday the normal Clair would have been totally active (mentally) with the organizing of the move and bossing BJ around with a whole list of things to do.  I would normally have been stressed that I couldn't really do a lot to help, which would have REALLY made me a darling of a woman to live with.

Instead I woke up, got ready for the day,  and went shopping for five hours.

Finally today, while admiring the absolute adorableness of my friend Jamie's bathroom it hit me.
Lately I have been feeling inspired to super herb up. I've been taking a serious amount of herbal vitamins(Don't freak out, they are just food. I only take vitamins made out of whole foods like alfalfa, wheat grass, horsetail, etc.  NEVER TAKE A SERIOUS AMOUNT OF NORMAL VITAMINS WITHOUT ASKING A DOCTOR FIRST. Normal vitamins are made out of chemicals, and parts of vitamins and minerals and digest differently then the herbs I take in my vitamins. Overdosing on chemical vitamins can kill you. Please be safe.). I have also been super consistent with taking my herbal adrenal formula capsules. 

I think what I have been feeling is NO STRESS.  Like, ok, your adrenals are what help you deal with stress, and normally mine don't function very well and I am ALWAYS stressed.  My nervous system is always tense and wired.  it is a problem.  My mind is ALWAYS thinking and going wild with ideas, problems, etc.  But lately, I haven't been feeling that as much.  I think my herbs are kicking in and I am feeling what "normal" people feel.

So this empty feeling is actually a really good thing. It should probably feel great, and now that I am figuring out what this weird feeling is, you know "normalcy", it is starting to feel pretty good.  Mostly though it still feels weird.:)

Anyways, it was such a break through for me.  I like not worrying all the time.

THE END.

Out of the dark

I hate the dark.  I love a good rainstorm.  I love the stars, but I hate the dark.  I have had some of my most terrifying moments in the night time. And I just really hate the dark.  I don't like dark things.   They make me feel horrible inside.

I love the light.  I love feeling GOODNESS and truth and light and beauty.

Last night was a dark night.  I felt very vulnerable to dark thoughts and dark fears.  I couldn't wait for it to be light outside again.  I feel so much safer in the daytime.  I feel like I can DO something when it is light.  I almost always fall pray to despair in the dark of night. Not every night, but when I do despair it is USUALLY in the night time.

This morning I woke up and still felt awful. I didn't want to get out of bed.  The night time was still too close.  I lay in bed thinking about how to make the dark feelings go away.

I thought for a long time. About the time it takes for the movie Cinderella to play and my kids to eat the cereal Jane poured for them.

I said a prayer, but it wasn't very heartfelt.  I still felt too yucky inside to feel like prayer would help.  Really what I was feeling was unworthiness.  The dark makes me feel that way too easily.

I checked my facebook.  I checked my email.  I checked the few blogs I check every morning.

I said prayers, but the dark still had a hold on me and the prayers were weakish.

I turned on spottify and remembered a beautiful song by Hilary Weeks that had touched me deeply a few weeks ago and listened to that.

I began to feel the change.

I listened to the words, but mostly just felt the beautiful, yearning spirit of the feeling of the song.  The yearning feeling to be closer to the Savior.  He has so much peace and healing.  I felt the FEELING of the story of the woman who felt if she could just be close enough to touch the hem of His garment she would be healed.  She didn't want His attention, or to take up His time.  She just wanted to be close enough to feel of His healing spirit and be healed.

I have been thinking a lot about how when I was a young teen the youth leaders at my church would take us all up to the Ape Caves at Mt. Saint Helens.  We would go down the lava caves and it was SOOOO DARK!  They would have us turn off our flashlights and you COULD NOT see your hand in front of your face.  I know because I tried.  It was incredible to be in a place so completely dark.  And then someone would light one match.  And we would all marvel at how much light that teeny tiny match would give.

Sometimes life is very hard.  We or others make life very difficult for ourselves and others.  Sometimes we trip and fall.   Sometimes bad things happen that is really no one's fault.  Sometimes Satan gets a really firm grip on our minds.  Sometimes we invite him into our lives by reading/watching/listening to dark or less than good things.  All these things can lead to really dark places and make us feel powerless. But I know from experience that we can have a hopeful change in our lives.

I talk about turning toward heaven A LOT. I really think this is the key.  It isn't a big move.  Just a turn.  Just the beginnings of making an effort.  And then you start the reach.  The reach to whatever is good, virtuous, or lovely.  The reach to truth.  The reach to hope.

For me it always begins so tiny and still mostly despairing.  Really, just that teeny tiny mustard seed in my hand.  But I remember the match in the dark and know that that tiny seed can grow into something more powerful than any dark thing ever found ever.:)

After listening to Hilary sing  I went onto the Deseret Bookstore website and found some of my favorite art prints.  There are so many beautiful things to fill our lives with, and here are a few of my very favorite pieces.:) They all have to do with light and hope and truth.:) Sorry they are so small!  I wish I could have found bigger pictures to steal off the internet so you could see how beautiful these pieces are!:)

LIGHT: Julius Von Klever

As dark as life gets, as turbulent as our trials may BE, there is one who is PEACE amidst the storm, one who is more powerful than the storm. He is more powerful than any darkness.

HOPE: Ray Johnson

 God is real.  He has a plan.  He is with us when we feel that darkness will overtake us.  He not only is with us, but has already prepared a plan for us to get through the trials if we will only trust Him, and listen and obey His promptings.

TRUTH: J Kirk Richards

We are His.  He will take care of us if we will let Him.  I always thought this was a picture of sheep. But they are people!  This painting is entitled "Every Knee Shall Bow".  I think maybe the artist meant for the people to look like sheep.  I think it is a really inspiring piece of art.

Anyways, maybe this is such a non-relevant post for anyone who reads it.  When I started this blog I tried to think about what I wanted its purpose to be.  Like, I felt it needed a theme.  But really I think Heavenly Father wants me to write this blog for me.  He wants me to write everyday.  I don't know why, but I feel that.  And if it inspires someone then that is a bonus.:)  I always want this to be interesting, but mostly this blog is an exercise for me to write by the spirit and learn how to communicate my insides more clearly.  Thanks for being patient and joining me in this journey.:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Be good to yourself.  Think of one thing that you can do today that will bring more light and happiness to your day and do it.  Also, bonus entry.  I want to know: if you could buy any piece of hope inspiring art for your home, what would it be?  I own the first of the above three.  I want them all.:)  Happy FRIDAY!!!

Thoughts for Thursday:)

Last night I had BJ retake the color test.  I read the questions to him and sometimes got very silly.:)
One of the questions was: If a friend crosses you, you: a,b,c,d.....I don't know what possessed me, but I said, "If a friend crosses you, you...a)kill THEM!" followed by hysterical laughing. BJ laughed too.(I think we were very tired people...:) And then we looked at each other and knew once again how much we love being together...especially when we are being silly together.  It was really fun talking about each other's answers, and learning more about each other.  I love BJ so much.  I love learning everything about him. The color code has been a huge part in understanding each other better. It has really helped our communication A LOT.

BJ and Jane:)

Something else I have been thinking about is the self discovery I have had through reading the scriptures.  I have a million books over there on my desk about different ways to find your purpose, find yourself, find your joy, etc....And they are all really great books!  Thoreau is over there.  What an interesting guy.  He wants you to live with purpose.  Anne Morrow Lindberg is over there as well.  Her book GIFTS FROM THE SEA is one of the most important books for every woman to read.  So many beautiful insights into women, people, family,  life, etc.  She also writes about how women don't just have a need to do, but to do purposefully.  I feel that.  I hate a busy work to do list.  I want the things I spend my energy on to be meaningful.

So back to the scriptures.  All those other books are great, but the scriptures(and I am including any words from the prophets as well) have something that those other books lack.  The other books are beautiful and inspiring for sure, but the scriptures open a conduit to heaven that can tell you more about yourself than anything else I've ever experienced.  I really believe that when we invite the spirit into our soul that real learning and discovering can take place.

I remember one time I was visiting my sister Heidi and I was sitting in a chair studying the scriptures and reading a conference talk by President Monson.  He asked a question, I don't remember what it was, and I started writing down an answer in my journal.  TEN PAGES LATER I had made some startling discoveries about some things I had been stressed out about in my life.  And they didn't really have a lot to do with what the talk was about.  I guess that is self discovery through scripture reading combined with journaling, if you want to be super specific.:) I also found some answers to those stresses.  But mostly, I was surprised by the insights about MYSELF that I found.

I think we are sent here for a purpose unique to each of us.  We have been given, all of us, such a unique experience in this life.  We have individual talents and strengths and weaknesses.  Heavenly Father is such a wise manager in this, and I really believe that because of our uniqueness we all have something meaningful to contribute in this life.  And to do that, I think we need to know as much as we can about ourselves.  Building a relationship with heaven, and making the spirit a huge part of our lives will aid us to the nth degree.:)  And reading and studying the scriptures is a really good way to do that.  Not just because the whole plan of happiness is contained therein, or because we have wonderful examples of ordinary and imperfect people doing extraoridnary and amazing things, but because when we do anything that turns ourselves to heaven we invite the spirit to become our teacher.

I super stink at making time to read my scriptures, and study them everyday.  Every time I go to church, or conference, or listen to or read something where I can feel the spirit I ALWAYS get prompted to study my scriptures everyday.  So that is something I am going to make a bigger priority and goal in my life. And one of the reasons why I want to do that is because I want to live a more purposeful life.  I want to know myself better so I can know what good I can do in this life.:) Clair has a unique purpose here, and I want to know what it is so I can do it as only I can.:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Read your scriptures today. Be mindful of the promptings of the spirit while you are reading.  Even if you only read for a minute or two it is amazing how efficient the spirit can be to teach you something in a short amount of time.:)  Just one more way of finding your joy!!! 


This week's give away is super awesome!  A copy of MY LIFE IN FRANCE will be sent your way if you win!!! Whoohoo!!! Happy Friday Eve!!!

Red, Blue, White, Yellow-which color are you?:)

One of the books I picked up at the library this week was Dr. Taylor Hartman's THE PEOPLE CODE. Actually what I did was TRY to pick this book up at the library and instead had to get the sequel, I think called the CHARACTER CODE(the book is over there on my desk out of reach....Alice is sleeping on my lap:).  And I ended up buying THE PEOPLE CODE from Amazon.

THIS IS ONE OF THE COOLEST BOOKS EVER! It is basically a book about finding your personality type, and I think that is so fun.  I remember my sister Heidi showing me this book when I was a young teen and  the both of us sitting down and figuring out what personality group we fit in.

The book has a test you take and then you fall into one of four "colors": red, blue, white or yellow. You can take a quick, smaller version of the test on the color code website.  The website tells you a little about the main color group you fall into.  The book obviously goes into much more in depth details.

I AM A BLUE. Holy cow am I a blue. I have taken the test a few times and it is always so funny to me HOW BLUE I am.  It has been really helpful to know myself in this way.  There are good and bad traits for every color.  Reds are known for their leadership...as well as their bossiness for instance.  Blues are emotional but also have the deepest relationships.  Yellows are easy going but can also be known to be irresponsible.

I have loved this test because of what it tells me about my family and other relationships in my life.  BJ and I have grown closer by understanding our personality colors better.

Anyways, I don't know how to write a convincing post about how this book rocks.  I am so not wanting to write today.:)  Just go check it out and find out for yourself how much it rocks.  KNOW THYSELF!:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Take the online test and see what color you are! www.colorcode.com. 

Passions and Pursuits

So right now Clair is in the middle of some SERIOUS self discovery.

I went to the library half an hour before it closed last night because I needed some answers!  I picked up 4 books, and I am gonna tell you about them over the next while I think.  

One of them was NOT MY LIFE IN FRANCE, Julia Child's autobiography.

That book is currently living on my "favorite books" bookshelf, right over there.:)

But I AM going to tell you about how I love that book SO MUCH and why.:)

I love this book because it is all about THE JOY OF LIFE!  The joy of LIVING life! TO THE FULLEST!  Julia Child was so awesome.  She is one of those people who are so lucky to find their passion and just run with it.  

She also had a really special relationship with her husband that is really inspiring.:)

This is a Valentine's postcard they sent out to all their friends one year.  So awesomely scandalous and fun.:)

Aristotle said, "Wherein your talents and the needs of the world cross, there lies your occupation."

I think the word "talents" is a serious problem.  I think it should read, "PASSION."  Where does your passion lie?  Where does your JOY lie?

Julia kind of combined them.  She took her passion for food and her talents(some natural, some learned by TONS of hard work), and created a beautiful legacy of living and loving and enjoying life.

Thinking back on the last ten years of my life, have I been occupying my time with my passions?  Have I been guided in my pursuits by joy?  

-Motherhood and marriage-the answer is a BIG FAT FOR SURE!!!! For the most part.:)  Being so ill as to not be able to really do the WORK of mothering and being a loving companion has been really difficult emotionally for me.  But that is something that is finally changing as I am learning what my body needs to function.

As for my other joys, I haven't been living them at all for the most part.  And that is why this crisis has occurred, in my opinion.

So today I am studying myself from the viewpoint of what brings me joy?  What are my strengths?  What are my "talents/skills"? What comes easily to me?  How do I want people to remember me?  Where do my greatest passions lie? What do I want to spend my time doing?

WHAT DO I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME DOING? That is such a big DAILY question for me.

I actually like homemaker things.:)  When I have the energy, which isn't often, but is getting MORE often.:)  But there is more to me than mom and homemaker. And those other parts of me are starting to voice themselves.

So the other books I picked up at the library, I am gonna tell you about over the next while.  THEY ARE REALLY AWESOME. But this post already has enough to think about in it I think.:)

TODAY's CHALLENGE: Where do your passions lie?  What brings you the most joy in your life? Are you spending your time doing things that bring you joy? Are you working towards joy? Heavenly Father wants us to have as much JOY as we can in this life!!!  So think about your joys and passions and tell me about it!

THIS WEEK'S GIVE AWAY is a copy MY LIFE IN FRANCE.  It is such a good read!  So inspiring!  Make sure you have eaten first by the way....:)

Here are some of the passions that I am discovering that are more important to ME than I thought:

-Dancing. Dancing makes me happy FOR DAYS after I do it. Dancing is an important part of what makes Clair, Clair.

-Gardening and being in touch with nature. I NEED THIS. NEED.  I find so much of my internal peace when I am digging in the dirt and out in the woods or at the seashore.

-Being in a creative process with my BJ.  I need this too.  I am happiest when he is home and we are working together.  We are always scheming schemes to get him to work from home with me.:)

-Family life. I love family time with my tiny family. I love being with them and laughing with them.

-Creating beauty.  Experiencing beauty.  I get very unhappy when I can not have beauty around me, or create things.

-I AM A SEEKER OF TRUTH. Learning is important to me.  And I am going back to school in 2013.

-Health and wellness and nutrition and working out! I am really passionate about these things come to find out!  I love FEELING good in my body. I am not just talking about being skinny.

-Romance, ideals...combining truth and beauty.:)

-The gospel of Jesus Christ.  I LOVE teaching the gospel to people.  I love feeling the spirit while I am teaching.  I love living this beautiful plan He has presented.

That's my list so far!  And it is starting to reshape my life right now. Where will your passions and pursuits take you?:)

ANAGRAMS ARE FUN!:)

One day I was thinking about anagrams and decided to see if I could turn my name into one. 

Without hardly any thought it all came out at once onto the page.

C onstantly

L aughing 

A t

I ronic 

R ealizations.

I LOVE irony.  I LOVE IT!  I love slapstick too, but that wouldn't work into the anagram.;) It was so fun that it hardly took any thought to make this anagram, that hardly EVER happens to me!  

CHALLENGE: Can you make your name into an anagram that describes something about you? Post it in the comments!

THIS WEEK THE GIVE AWAY IS GOING TO BE ANNOUNCED TUESDAY.:) Or at least not in this post.  I know what it is.  But I want to give it a good post.:) And today I just can't write!  Too hot, too tired, too content to just have a head full of not much today.:)  It will be a GOOD give away though so be sure to participate this week if you feel so inspired!:)

Prayer vs. Chocolate....the results are in:)

PRAYER-And in this corner we have the ultra trim and slim mode of communication.  Nothing is too challenging for this competitor.  Nothing is too little or too big.  Makes YOU feel like the champion when all is said and done. Known for aiding those in their happiest moments and in their darkest moments. This is a competitor that is especially known for its loyalty and endurance.  You will never be left behind or left to battle alone with this team mate. This contender has an oftentimes superhuman power to make real change in the game.

Chocolate-And in this corner we have the super sweet and sassy favorite of basically every woman in the world.  Also known for aiding those in some of their happiest and darkest moments, like the first contender, but always leaves you hanging afterwards...literally for some.  Is known for a quick burst of speed in the beginning and high hopes, but then can struggle with the enduring bit unless you team up with more of this guys mates. This contender has a powerful punch initially, but as for real power in the game....the jury is still out.

WINNER!  For me its gotta be prayer.:)  Chocolate is sweet and wonderful and somewhat satisfying, but the peace that comes from knowing I can pray to a real someone who has ultimate power and a plan for me is an even better thing.

Well, as you know I have been challenging myself to turn to heaven when I am stressed/crazy/frustrated/etc. instead of or before I turn to chocolate.  It is a battle some days.  BUT I really think I am starting to form a new and emotionally healthier habit.:)  Though as I said in the beginning it doesn't mean I am not eating chocolate anymore.:)

This new habit, while very new and small, has been increasing the peace in my life.  I am still a stressed out whacko lately, BUT I can feel something in the core of me changing.  SLOWLY.  They say slow change is the best right?:)

This week's give away was for a prayer rock to keep by ya to remind you of the real and true comfort available to all, and a bit of chocolate too.:) I said I would give away five prizes this week....but as I have had only four people respond this week ALL FOUR OF YOU (BJ, The Momma, Rachael and Celeste!) ARE WINNERS!!!  WHOOHOO!!!  It pays to read unpopular blogs.  I mean who really wins on the grosgrain blog?;)

Anyways, I will try and get them in the post this week!  I LOVE YOU ALL AND HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A FABULOUS WEEKEND!!!

Love!
me:)

OK for some reason this post makes me nervous to post.

After weeks of not sleeping well, LAST NIGHT I SLEPT.  Do you know what the key turned out to be?

BJ spending a bit of time being hassled by salesmen and 50 smackers for a tiny 5ml bottle of VALERIAN essential oil. This is a wonder herb for the nervous system, and totally knocked me out!  He put a few drops straight on the bottoms of my feet and then mixed a few more drops with some grape seed oil to rub into my crazy legs(do you struggle with crazy arm and leg syndrome, I DO!  My nervous system is whacked out!:).

Sleeping is so good for you.  Did you know that?:)

Do you know what the other key to me sleeping well finally was? Prayer.  I knew part of my sleeping problem this week had to do with me being worried, but I couldn't figure out what I was worried about.  Last night when I was saying my evening prayer I was talking through some of the changes that are starting to happen in our lives and while talking to my Heavenly Father it finally came to me.

I have been dreaming about this part of my life since, I swear, the premortal existence.  I have dreamt of living in a darling community, with a gaggle of children, a darling Prince charming husband with a steady job, building our dreams one day at a time.  FOR SO LONG, literally the last several years, we have been in the middle of really hard times, and now things are changing...FOR THE BETTER!  Things are looking up and it scares the crap out of me I think.

Moving from an apartment to a house feels like it is the best idea ever.  Backyard, way more space, etc.  But is it?  Am I disillusioning myself that life is getting better?!  IS it going to be better?  BJ is in a steady job that he loves, that adores HIM to the moon and back, where he is everyones hero everyday, and we have a real plan we can count on to get out of debt and start building dreams again.  His new job has security, and we are going to be able to enjoy such better health because of the wonderfulness of his job.  But will we really?  Am I just hoping?

When BJ and I talk about THE FACTS of the new changes we feel so right.  SO GOOD.  So peaceful.  But then, it is so hard to believe!  I had never thought about it until now, but it is JUST like my experience with my counselor where I made a list of who I am, and then couldn't believe I was that awesome!

Why is it so hard to believe in the blessings Heavenly Father has prepared for us in THIS LIFE?

When you have been through really hard times, especially for an extended amount of time, it can be hard to believe that things will ever change.  BUT things can change!  AND WILL CHANGE!  We have so many promises in the scriptures and by modern day prophets that declare that truth. And being reminded in a few ways last night, that Heavenly Father has so many beautiful blessings He is preparing for us that we will get to experience NOW, not just later....sometime in the hazy future, was just what I needed to help me relax and have faith and hope and SLEEP.

AND I have the ability to do my part.  I have the ability to be ready for happy times.  I really struggle with believing that.  Like I said, I have been dreaming of this part of my life, my whole life, and now it is time to live the dream!  And I get so worried that I won't be able to do it.  I won't be able to be a good mom or good wife.I won't be able to take care of myself enough so that I can be healthy enough to do the work I was meant to in this life.  I won't be able to do things and experience things that I see other people experiencing.

But Heavenly Father over and over again has proved that I CAN AND WILL. And it will rock.AND I WILL ROCK!:)

One other thing I wanted to mention in this already long winded post is that Heavenly Father's timing is perfect.  So often I get so frustrated by the waiting, but I have had so many confirmations lately that He isn't just testing me, but that He is moving the mountains in front of me and creating a smooth path so that my journey is easier than I could make it myself.  He is removing the struggles, not creating them.

One of my favorite people in the whole world wrote the most beautiful post yesterday about the HOPE found in the Lord's timing.  You should read it.:)Here in the Waiting Place

TODAY'S CHALLENGE:  How do you feel when there are big changes for the better in your life? I wanna know!  Do you have a favorite scripture or conference talk that you love to read when going through hard times and you need a bit of bolstering in the hope department? Leave a comment and tell me about it!


 TODAY IS FRIDAY!  The give away winners will be announced tomorrow! 

How are you feeling today?

"How are you today" is my LEAST FAVORITE QUESTION EVER. People should really ask "how are you in this very second?"  And even then, golly, what a difficult question! (Just to be honest, I am one of those people who ask this question....yeah, I guess that makes me a hypocrite, but it is so ingrained to ask in our society!)

Sometimes it is difficult because I just don't know! I am pretty in tune with my body, but I have to admit I am not very in tune with my emotional self.  

Sometimes it is difficult to answer that question because I am feeling TOO MANY things all at once, which is also confusing.  

Sometimes it is difficult because I am the type of person who is gonna tell you all about it, and sometimes people are just being polite and don't really want to know ALL ABOUT IT.:)

A few weeks ago at church I was having a really hard day and a friend asked me "the question".  I replied in a non-committal fashion and said "oh I'm just tired." This is my response A LOT.  Partly because it is ALWAYS TRUE, and partly because it is short and easy to say.:)  After I answered this friend though and was walking down the hall I started to make a list of all the things I was really feeling.  IT WAS LONG!  And almost contradictory!

This morning I woke up feeling similar feelings, so go ahead and ask me....

"Clair!  How are you today!"

"Hi friend!  Let me tell you!....

Today I feel:

tired

overwhelmed

excited for the future

terrified of the future

my tummy hurts

I need to take better care of myself

I need to take my herbs and vitamins and eat a million green fibrous foods today

Why is fiber such a bad sounding word?

I love my kids

THEY ARE SO ADORABLE!

Alice has been such a buddy to me lately, so many cuddles and kisses and "I love yous"

I wish I was a better Mum

I am so tired of not being able to exercise

Yesterday I went to the temple and had to go home after 30 min because my tummy started contracting in an unfun way

I love BJ

I want chickens

I want to jump to six years from now when we are out of debt and buying a house again

I have no idea what the future holds for us

I have so many plans for the future!

I want to start a swing dance club next year with BJ

I want to only focus on getting out of debt

I want to craft and sew all day

I want to sleep all day

I want to go hike the Y today

I want to be like everyone else and eat junk

I want to be so healthy so I don't die when I am 53 like my Dad did

I want to live closer to family

Sometimes it is nice to not live by family and feel obligated to hang out all the time

I want a house again

I can't wait to move!

I am so nervous about moving and packing and my body being OK with all the physical exertion

I can't wait to see my Heidi Rosalind this summer!

I wonder what color hair she will have

So those are all the things I am thinking and feeling this morning in this moment. Well, some of them.:) Looking at that list I feel I am SUCH A WOMAN.:)  

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: What is your response to THE QUESTION("How are you today?")?  Are you always honest?  Do you even really think about how you are or just answer something without thinking about it?  I wanna know! Today is Thursday!  Can you believe it!?!  

Unexpected pleasures:) or I hope this in English because I am really tired today.

This is a MORGAN. I was never a car person.  I thought it was THE MOST RIDICULOUS waste of money to be in love with cars.

Sometimes we think we have already made an opinion about something(like about our personal tastes or preferences or who we are and what we can do) only to find out that there is so much more to self discovery then we could ever know.

One day I was watching a movie....and FELL. IN. LOVE. Not with Tom Cruise.  Not with any MAN.  I fell hopelessly and deeply in love with the Morgan.  And it really did feel like a crush.  I thought about Morgan all the time for like a week.  I still get heart flutters when I think of Morgan.

And then I went on their website and learned more about their amazing automobile and company and was even more hooked.

Cars are just ways to get around for me.  But the MORGAN inspires soft leather driving gloves, movie star glasses, and a Paris headscarf to protect the coiffure.:)

Self discovery, I think, is one of the FUNNEST parts of this earth life.  I LOVE IT!  And it is so fun when it comes so unexpectedly. Sometimes I learn things about myself that are somewhat frivolous.  Like the Morgan.  But sometimes I find strengths inside myself that I had no idea existed in me.

Many times it feels like I just happen onto these discoveries, and other times I feel like we can initiate self discovery.  Did you ever see Runaway Bride?  The part where she has a plate of every kind of egg recipe possible and she tries them all to see which one is her favorite is one of MY favorite parts.  BJ and I used to go on dates kind of like this.  We would go to all the Mexican fast food places and get their burrito and then see which one we liked best in a fun taste testing date experience.:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Is there something you have never tried before that you have always wanted to try?  Maybe feeling like you are too old, too inexperienced, too uncreative, too whatever has held you back.  We have come here with several obvious talents, but so many more hidden talents and strengths.  Why do we assume so much about ourselves based on our age, and that we have already discovered what there is to discover.  Today be open to new ideas and promptings of the spirit.  Pray to know yourself better today. Who knows what that will lead you to!  Make a plan to try something new you have always wanted to try, but haven't for whatever reason.  You don't have to DO the plan today.  Just think about it and be open to the spirit. Leave a comment that you did it!:)  Remember this week the give away is a prayer rock and chocolate to five lucky winners!  I'm still working on MY personal challenge to reach for God before the chocolate, and it is going really well!  I caught myself yesterday almost falling back into old ways, and catching myself felt good.  It feels good to FEEL the changes happening in your life.

One last example: At a women's conference last year I learned about a woman who was just a normal Mom. Middle-aged, settled in her ways and lifestyle. One day she felt really strongly that she needed to start a program in her community to strengthen the family.  From that experience it led her to a REALLY important meeting in congress where she was just sitting in the audience, with the right information to give to the right person at a very pivotal time in the meeting so that really important laws about the family could be protected.  From that experience, and from her work with her program it led her to Africa where she was on a bus and felt inspired to talk to the bus driver about his family.  From that she learned that his parents had died from Aids and his two siblings were in the orphanage they were about to visit. When he said this the spirit whispered to her heart that she was to adopt those children.  I am sure she had many opportunities to do something like that, but THIS time she felt prompted to take action.  Anyways,  what started out as starting a program to strengthen families in her community turned into a crazy adventure in Africa and adopting two children who were to become an integral part of her family.

When you think about it, what really began that process was being open to the spirit and being humble enough about who we are and what we think we are able to do.  We don't know everything.  We are full of hidden strengths and talents.  We have hidden loves and desires.  Who knows where these things can lead us!  We are incredible, amazing people with important things to do in our lives. What an exciting adventure!

Finnagan begin again.:) Hey it is a new day!

So this is what yesterday looked like over here.

And after I made that weepy mess....I felt better.

And I was reminded of this scripture(one of my favorites:):

Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

-Romans 12:21

What this scripture means to me is that you can't just get rid of the bad.  After you get rid of the bad you must quickly replace it with lots of good.  Yesterday I was totally overcome with evil thoughts.  I got rid of the bad by weeping it all out.  And I felt so much better! But to make it last I had to take advantage of the moment and start filling in the hole with happy/truthful/good/etc. things.  

I had prayed this weekend that my blog could be a little lighter this week, and when yesterday was so intense feeling I was like, "really?" :)  It was so interesting though how Heavenly Father DID answer that prayer.  Because after the weeping and filling back up with good things I realized that that was exactly the preparation I needed to talk about what I REALLY wanted to talk about this week.  

This week I wanted to talk about knowing/being happy with SELF.  Self as we are right now.  And did you know that one of the first steps is to change out any bad images you have of yourself and fill them with good ones!?:)  

Yesterday I felt horrible about ME.  That was really the thing that was upsetting me the most. And I had to move beyond that before I could start to LOVE me.  I had to stop listening to Satan and start turning to truthful, wonderful, healing heaven.:) 

So today to REALLY start off this week I wanted to tell  you some good things about me that you may or may not know.:)  

-I am from a combined family. I grew up first with just two younger brothers.They were my first buddies and I love them million.  Then I grew up with those younger brothers combined with four sisters(three younger, one older). Sisters felt like such a gift from Heavenly Father.  I love them all so differently, but SO MUCH!  I have three half siblings from my birth Dad's second marriage(one younger brother and two younger sister).These kids are so awesome and I wish we could hang out more, they are incredible people.  I also have two self-adopted siblings and you can't convince me that they aren't blood related. My incredible Brother Jon, and one of my very favoritest people in the whole world, my Sister Heidi. If you want to really make me wanna punch you in the face tell me they aren't my family.:) SERIOUSLY.

-I am a hopeless romantic.  But I didn't want BJ to propose to me on his knees.  I wanted to be in his arms.:) 

-I am an idealist.  I have high ideals of what I believe life can be like, and sometimes I attain them.:)

-I don't like most modern literature.  I have no desire AT ALL to read the Hunger Games, Twilight, etc. I feel like literature is getting so dark, and I don't like it.  Most of my favorite books are old. 

**Secret Garden, Enchanted April, The Anne of Green Gable books, Jane of Lantern Hill, the Narnia Books, The Girl of the Limberlost, Gifts From the Sea, Christy, the Dealing with Dragons series, GRACIE: a love story, etc.:)  

-I also love murder mysteries, but not all of them.  I love Dorothy L. Sayers and SOME of Ngaio Marsh, and most of Agatha Christie.  I don't like hardly any of the mysteries written after 1960 because they either involve drug usage, serious free love, mucho profanity, and frightening cults. 

-I am a tactile person.  I love textures and fabrics and colors.  I love to have beautiful things around me.  Which could be anything from a cupful of dandelions to a darling teacup to the smile on my baby's face.:)

-I want chickens and horses and Babydoll Southdown sheep.

-I am not a materialistic person, but if I don't have at least two pairs of Converse chucks(one pink pair, one blue pair), then I feel unlike myself.  All the rest of my clothes can be shabby, but if I have my chucks I feel like I am still not SUPER homeless looking.:)

-I am intensely insecure.  I come off as someone who is very outgoing, but I am naturally shy and worried that no one likes me. <----SERIOUSLY.  I have to work really hard not to constantly ask people if they REALLY like me or not.

-I love being a backseat motorcycle babe, but I don't want BJ to get a motorcycle.  I love that man SO MUCH.  It isn't that I don't trust him to be safe, but more that I don't trust all those other crazy drivers on the road!

-If I could live in a garden I would.:)  Someday I will.

-I want to learn the Argentine Tango and the Balboa.:) How much more romantic can you get than those two dances?! Rumba is so overdone and oversexed. TRUE STORY.

-My five favorite TV shows are: AS TIME GOES BY, GOOD NEIGHBORS, AVONLEA, MURDER SHE WROTE, and SCARECROW AND MRS.KING.  The only really modern shows we stream sometimes are BIGGEST LOSER and PROJECT RUNWAY.

-Every time I have said I would never do something(not including evil or bad things), Heavenly Father usually works it into His plans for me. Example: Home birth, home school, cloth diapering, being in love with and writing to a missionary, living in THE DESERT....

-In the next few years we are going to open up a Swing Dancing Club and I am going to form a big band and SING WITH IT at least once a week.:) And I am going to own a really sparkly gold dress too.;)

-I LOVE SPARKLY THINGS. TO THE MAX.

-I am a princess. All girls are. Whether they wear chucks or tiaras.:)  I BELIEVE THIS.  Cause it is true.  And someday we will be Queens.:)

-Cashmere is what makes winter OK.

-When it is me, by myself, I LOVE me.  I am a very sincere person and just can't love or do things I don't like or love or feel passionate about.  I AM VERY BAD AT FAKING HAPPY.  But when I go outside, into the world, I really struggle with comparing.  I feel so different from many other women(sight my dislike for TWILIGHT), and worry that maybe I am all wrong and start to really feel a need to not be ME anymore. Comparing at its most evil.

-You know how you can have twin babies in this mortal life?  Well, if our spirits could have a twin, BJ would be mine.  We are perfect compliments to each other and are so spiritually/emotionally bound to each other. One.:) 

-BJ is my Onliest Friend Ever(a title, not a diss on others:), but I really ache, like Anne of old, for a Bosom Friend.  I really wish I had a best girlfriend who really understood and loved me for me, and who I could call when I am feeling my darkest and saddest.  This is something I am ginormously insecure about.  That someone, not BJ, could love me that much and care about me that much.

-I love wearing two braids in my hair during the week.  So easy to do, and hair out of my face! But I LOVE dressing up for the weekend.:)

-I am incredibly in love with my little growing family.  Every child brings such a unique joy into our lives.  And let's be honest.  It is going to keep on growing for a long time.  We want 10 kids.:)

-I want a Mr.T cookie jar that when you open it it says, "I pity the fool who eats my cookies!" True story.

Are you bored with learning about me yet?

This is me trying to be something other than me.  It didn't work very well as you can see.(pic from when I was 14 or 15:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE:

Did you ever get one of those email forwards where there is a list of questions and you have to fill it out and send it to twenty people or else your hair will fall out or your prince will never come or something?:)  Kind of corny, but so good and fun to fill out!  How well do you know yourself? Can you answer all the following questions? Comment and tell me how you did! 

1.What is your favorite color: 

2.Favorite movie: 

3.Favorite book:

4.Dream place to live: 

5.Favorite number:

6.Who is your best friend?

7.What is the deepest desire of your heart?  What do you dream about more than anything else?

8.What do you think is the perfect age to be?

9.What is your favorite thing to wear?

10. What is your idea of the perfect woman?

11.What are your talents?

12.Who do you most want to be like?

13.What do you consider the most interesting is about yourself?

14.Favorite flower:

15.Favorite Disney Princess:

PS! Cause this week is all about celebrating self discovery I am adding onto the give away. As you know my favorite number is five.  SO FIVE AWESOME PEOPLE WILL GET A PRIZE THIS WEEK!!! WHOOHOO! HAVE A JOYOUS TUESDAY!

Mean Monday

I have to admit it, I am tired of these deep posts I keep feeling the need to write.  This morning was a doozy.  Skip to the end (you know, the challenge highlighted in yellow part) if you want to skip the deep part today. I won't be offended.  In fact, I will never know.:)

Have you ever tried to change something about yourself, really put a TON of time and energy into changing it, only to have it keep cropping up every now and then? Or had a deep seated hurt that you thought you were over only to have it surprise you out of nowhere and hurt like you had never gotten over it at all? Last night that happened to me.  And it was ugly. It makes me feel so despairing when this happens.  It makes me hate myself.

Today I woke up and to be honest I just have nothing.  I have been praying, but it feels like even though I know Heavenly Father hears me, I just don't have what it takes to do my part to fix this crappy hurt/character flaw/etc.  I know the Atonement is incredible awesome and can heal anything.  I know that God and the Savior can fix and make anything whole again.  But I struggle with my end.  I struggle with having faith that I can do my little part.

There is a picture of Jesus knocking at a door with no handle.  And it is at this point the Sunday school teacher points out that there is no handle because it is our job to open the door.  Jesus can't make us open the door.  He can't make us let Him help us.

Why is it so dang hard to open that door sometimes?  Some hurts are so deep, some flaws are so ingrained, maybe it feels like there is just no way they can ever go away.  And then there are those times you think they have gone away and the reprieve is so incredible...but then they come back and it is just devastating.  I have known several incredible people who struggle with this(obviously including myself), and sometimes they just have given up and said, "this is how I am.I am just a X person. Or I will never be able to get over X"  And it has made me so incredibly sad because I know in my heart it doesn't have to be that way.  This life is a life of progression.  We are here to keep striving to be better BECAUSE WE CAN BE BETTER!!!  And hurts can be healed, no matter how deep.  I really believe that.  It is crazy hard, but it can be done.  Isn't that a miracle?!  Just because you have learned bad character traits(and I really do believe they are learned for the most part), or been hurt so incredibly deeply, it doesn't mean it has to be that way forever.  I have a million conference talks to back that up (search the www.lds.org website.:). All hurts and flaws are not equal, and I DO KNOW that there is A LOT of ugliness and evil in the world.  I KNOW.  Oh man I KNOW.  I am not belittling the hardness of the change, in fact the hardness of the change is what made last night and is making this morning so incredibly tortuous and impossible feeling to live through.

Satan wants us to feel like crap so that we will just stay in our beds all day, ignoring the people in our homes who need us, and just stop living/progressing/etc.  I KNOW.  And knowing that is what starts to change me.  Satan is the bad guy.  Bad guys don't care about you.  Bad guys are completely selfish in their purposes.  Bad guys don't win in the long run.  And that is VERY true with Satan.  Heavenly Father is more powerful.  His Son Jesus Christ is more powerful.  Even when I don't feel that is true, IT IS TRUE.  I KNOW.

I used to get so mad at Satan when I realized he had gotten power over my thoughts again.  I would shake my fist at him(literally) and say out loud, "oh yeah, well at least I have a fist to shake at you!  I have a body, you got nothing but hot air!" My Mum told me to stop this as this could be categorized as baiting the devil, which would probably not be helpful.

So today is starting out really hard.  And it is going to take a ton of prayer and humility to change my day.  Gah! I hate having to force myself to be humble.  I wish it came easier.  I really struggle with it.  Being vulnerable hurts so badly, at first, for me usually.  It feels better afterwards, but it just really stinks at the beginning of the process.  Why does it feel so much easier to stay hurt and feel somewhat protected from the hurt feelings?  I just need to woman up and get through the owie parts and then I can feel better.:)

So as a first step I am going to practice being truthful with myself. I am going to break through the darkness that Satan is trying to fill my mind with and list 10 things good about myself.  It is too hard to feel that I can write the opposite of what he is telling me and believe it is true. What he is trying to tell me feels too real.  I do feel like that horrible person he is describing.  I do feel those hurtful things from the past.  I will start by listing other good things about me. I know that when I make that first move, of choosing to turn toward heaven, that that will be enough to get me started back on the path of feeling the spirit. And that is where all truth lies.  And if, come to find out I need to work on some character flaws, Heavenly Father will tell me the real truth about it.  AND He will tell me how to fix it, and that it CAN be fixed.  He has already made that plan for me, and all I have to do at that point is to be brave enough, have faith enough and hope enough, to take His hand and follow that plan.

10 things good about me: (tears welling. this is really hard for me.)
1.I love my kids so much it hurts. And they know it.  I show them/tell them everyday.
Even if I don't feel like I am a good mother.(I wrote this and realized it was not positive.  I only kept it to show you ONE -I am a real person, and this is hard, and TWO -don't let yourself negate your positive!!)
2.I love truth and beauty, and strive to have it in my life.
3.I always keep trying.  I keep messing up, but that is what this life is.  Messing up, and keep trying, and slowly getting more awesome everyday.
4.I have the ability to feel the spirit.
5.I make A LOT of good choices in my life.
6.I am creative.
7.I have a generous nature.
8.I am a powerful spirit.
9.I am completely stuck(wait a minute....that isn't a positive thought.:)  I really am stuck though.  Hold on a minute.) I can figure out hard things and understand them.
10.I have a testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus' power in my life to change things that are horrible, ugly, or untrue.

It feels pathetic that that should be so difficult, but sometimes it IS difficult!  Thinking of ONE thing can be so impossible!  And I think that is normal.
So, whilst I am not totally feeling better, I CAN feel the tiny little rootlets of hope creeping back into my heart.  Today will still be a battle, but now I can start to feel it is a battle totally doable and win-able.:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Write ten things truthful/good/awesome about you.  You don't have to share them, just let me know you did it!  This week's giveaway is a prayer rock and chocolate.;)  I am still working on my personal challenge to turn to heaven before chocolate, and it is going really well!  These deep posts are what I keep feeling inspired to write, but hopefully I can start writing about lighter things soon, soon, soon!  I have some really neat, FUN posts lurking in the recesses of my mind that I am REALLY excited to write!! 

Apron and HEAVEN IS HERE book winner!!!

OK!  This week's winner is.............................................. ERIN DOUGAL!!!! Whoohoo!!!
I will be in touch with you when your prize is ready!!!!!!!!!(ps.your apron will look different then the one pictured below...I ran out of fabric! BUT it will still rock.:)
Hurray!:)

My not so bad week! Prayer really does change things dude!:)

This picture hangs in my bathroom.  I see it about a million times a day(pregnant much here:).
Prayer changes things.  I know this is a TRUE STORY.:)

MY WEEK:
Last night my sweetheart and I talked until 1AM about everything.:) We made the start of some huge decisions for our family for the upcoming years.  SCARY!  AND EXCITING!

The other evening I was so exhausted and as soon as BJ was home I went to bed to rest and watch a flick(Hallmark SECRET GARDEN a favorite:).  All day my kids and I had been fighting frustration with each other, but as soon as I went to my room, there they were again!  Couldn't get enough of me! I needed to be resting not so much wrestling with a million jumping beans so I let each of them come and cuddle with me one at a time and watch my movie with me.  It felt so good.

My kids have the funniest ways of expressing themselves.  Denny likes to raise a finger up to his face when he is telling you something important.  Jane gets coy beyond cuteness at times.  Alice is just a character.
They bring such joy and beauty to my life AND I NOTICED IT.:)

After being put on bed rest I made a serious effort to make myself fresh veggie juice and a quart of tea everyday. And I drank them all up! You know you want some.;)

I went on a walk that probably put me on bed rest, but felt the spirit.  Later when I blogged about it I felt an overwhelming confirmation of what I had felt.  THAT FELT SO AMAZING!!

I learned more about my relationship with heaven this week and I prayed so much.

I got upset and prayed and felt better.  I got frustrated and prayed and felt better.  I got hysterical and prayed and felt better.  I got happy and prayed and FELT EVEN BETTER.:)

I got to hang out with some of the most amazing women of my acquaintance.

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw my no make-up face and scrubby, hole-y clothes and told myself I was beautiful.  AND MEANT IT.  I mean those lovely high cheek bones.  Come on!:)

I held a baby and helped her calm down and fall asleep and it WAS magical.  It was so healing and wonderful feeling!

I saw some beautiful pictures of Stephenie Nielson's(http://www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/) new baby and felt just so happy for them!!  It made the start to my morning so happy feeling!!

I prayed for patience and for hope and after struggling, found them.

My week wasn't so bad after all!
CHALLENGE: What were your favorite parts of the week?  Tell me about them!

I can not even help it.  After I read Stephanie Nielson's new book HEAVEN IS HERE, and after what my posts were about this week I just have to add her book to the give away for THIS WEEK!  SO if you have participated in any of the challenges this week(and it is NOT cheating, in my opinion, if you go back through the posts of THIS week and do as many as you want today.:) and left a comment then eah comment will count as an entry for ONE darling apron made by moi(to be constructed tomorrow)AND one copy of HEAVEN IS HERE.   I will announce the winner tomorrow!!Happy Friday!!!

BONUS POST! FOR CLAIR and anyone else who needs it.:) But mostly for ME.:)

I know often times I come off as a really silly, happy person. And I am.:)

But I have known great depths of sadness and sorrow and despair in my life as well.  I have had debilitating chronic illness that has made me feel so much less a woman, wife, friend, daughter, sister, mother, person. I have grown up in a loving but very broken family at times.I have had my heart broken over family relationships.  I have lived the poor life.:) I have to smile because who hasn't lately!?!   I've experienced many other hardships throughout my life. 

I may appear to be a normally happy person, but I have definitely struggled with anxiety and depression and despair and hopelessness. I have chosen to be negative and given into negativity MANY times.  But I try really hard to choose to be positive, and to train myself to be positive because I know that even in hard times I can have peace in my heart if I choose to. And it is all about having the spirit with me and turning to heaven(prayer:). Really about giving over my burden to the Lord.  WHICH IS SO HARD FOR ME SOMETIMES!!!

My parents divorced around the time I was 5 or 6.  I didn't see my Dad hardly at all after that.  I did have a relationship with him, but it was more like an uncle most of the time. Which left a great big whole in my heart as you can imagine. My Mum remarried a year later to an amazing man, but I really struggled feeling like he was my "DAD". I called him Mike until I was about 19, at which time I really felt like I should honor his role in my life with a name that was more appropriate.  After that I started calling him "Pop".:) 

I have always really struggled with the whole "DAD" thing, and it has translated itself over to my relationship with my Heavenly Father many times.  I am probably closest to my Heavenly Father out of my three fathers:),  but I think because of my difficulty with bonding with an earthly father I have had trouble at times bonding with my Heavenly Father.  It is hard to reach to Him when I am sad and lonely and despairing sometimes, just as I have never felt comfortable reaching to my earthly fathers in times of grief .  Sometimes it is easy to pray for heaven's help. Sometimes when I am in my darkest hours it is SO EASY.  Then there will be other dark moments when it just feels pointless, and how could Heavenly Father care for me?  I mean, my life isn't as bad as so many other people.  And I am so full of mistakes and faults.  And I am probably just being stupid anyways. 

Those dark thoughts are not true.  And I am so grateful for the most of the times when I remember that.  Heavenly Father loves us SO MUCH.  Some people believe that you shouldn't bother Him all day with little things in your life.  He doesn't care which socks you wear, or whether you should go to the store today or tomorrow.  But I have found that when life is really difficult.  Like those chronically stressful times, that those are the days when it feels SO GOOD and SO RIGHT to pray and talk to my Heavenly Father all day.  Especially with all the little things.  The times when I can't take one more herbal pill, even though I need to, and He inspires me with another way to get what I need into my body.  The times when I just really need one minute to go to the bathroom and I need to know my baby is not going to burn down the house or break his neck while I am in there.:)  Or the times when I know I would just feel so much better if there could be a time of the day where I could take a shower or read my scriptures.  I mean, who has time for those things?!  I know that Heavenly Father cares about me and about the things I care about.  I am not trivial and neither are the things in my life and the things in my heart.

 I believe that we were sent here to prove our obedience and to fulfill a mission in this life that is uniquely ours. And I know that along the way there will be trials and hardships and serious tests of everything in us.  Patience is difficult here. SERIOUSLY I struggle with this TO THE MAX. I know that with all that though that Heavenly Father has a plan for us.  And He is there for us.  He sent His son to make all our dreams possible. And He is there to lift our burdens and to show us love and remind us of all the truthful beautiful things.

I remember one time I was so heavy with so many emotional and physical burdens. I just couldn't hardly walk it felt like, so I did the Clair thing.....and went on a walk.:)  I remember saying a prayer and talking to my Heavenly Father about what I was feeling and wanting to give Him my burdens and not knowing how.  It is one thing to talk about it and another thing to really do it.  I mean giving the Lord your burdens isn't really a tangible thing. I remember feeling inspired to try and make it mentally tangible.  I imagined myself scooping out the pain of my heart and lifting it to heaven.  I thought about each pain individually and scooped out that individual hurt until it felt like it was all out.  Sometimes it took A LOT of scoops for some hurts.  Then I would move onto the next hurt and continue scooping.  This has not always worked for me, but that time it felt SO GOOD when I was done.  I literally felt lighter.  My burdens felt lifted and I felt so much peace. Knowing that I couldn't change any of those hurts BUT GOD COULD and that He had it handled lifted me up, and gave me the strength I needed in that moment.

When my birth Dad died this last summer I remember really, REALLY struggling and grappling with the unfairness of so many things surrounding his death and the effects I was still reeling from from my Mum's and his divorce.  I remember my Bishop talking about how the Atonement not only covers the pain of life, but also the unfairness of it.  Isn't that so unbelievably kind of Heavenly Father?!  I think it is so generous!  AND proof that He cares about our feelings and our experience here on earth.

I hope that you all have had amazing relationships with your earthly fathers, but if, like me, you have struggled with that, know that you can have the MOST AMAZINGLY CLOSE relationship with your Heavenly Father. TRUE STORY.

I really needed to write this for me today.  Today was a battle of thoughts in my head.  And I really needed to be reminded of these things. I posted it only in case someone else needed it too.:)

Also, I must write that I am so extremely grateful for my loving husband who shows me everyday what a Dad should be like to my own sweet children.  His relationship with my children heals my heart everyday.  I am so grateful for him.:)