Introducing General Nutcracker and His Colorful Militia:)

Do you see those ten darling men up there?  They are what I spent the bulk of my Thanksgiving Holiday creating.:) 

To create your own you can get the patterns and instructions here.  AND I believe they are on sale until Monday November 26th if you put the word CRAFTY in the coupon box thingy.:)

ANYWAYS, back to my guys up there.  I had such a blast creating them.  In the pattern they have them all the same color, but I wanted them to kind of match my family room...which is WAY MORE than one color.  If you have been in my home in the last few months you know how I have about a million different colored picture frames on the walls.  I painted every one of them and had a ton of paint left over, so my little soldiers are decorated using those colors.:) I also should mention that these are supposed to be a Nutcracker Bowling Set.  But I kind of turned them into some other kind of crazy magical toy(though I do want to make a Rat King Ball to knock them down with...which feels completely disloyal to my little troupe so I think I will have to make a set of Mice Bowling Pins as well to knock down with a Nutcracker bowling ball.;)

Me being...well ME, I had to name each one...and give them a colorful back story.....

SO without further ado, let me introduce you to General Nutcrackers Militia.( For any real military person reading this please be aware that when I named these fellows I tried to do it in true "Fritz Stalhbahm style".  Fritz is the little brother of Marie in the original tale of the Nutcracker.  He wouldn't necesarily have known the perfect ranks either.;)

From left to right we have GENERAL NUTCRACKER, MAJOR GENERAL NUTCRACKER OF THE MARZIPAN BRIGADE, and MAJOR ALOYSHIOUS MARMELADE.

General Nutcracker is THE NUTCRACKER.  This is his militia.  Major General Nutcracker THINKS he is in charge, but it really is the General. 

Major General Nutcracker is a bit of a show off.....well way more than a bit.  You can tell by his fancy shirt, and TWO ribbons on his hat.  He is constantly competing with Major Marmelade(though it must be noted that it is a completely one sided competition as far as the Major is concerned. The Major doesn't really go in for rivalry within the brigade as it leads to disruption and bad manners all around.)  The Major General is very upset that his beard is shorter than the Major's but he tries to make up for it in brass buttons(which are not a sign of rank in THIS militia).  AND although the Major is more decorated than the Major General, the Major General's star is bigger.  And truth be told, how he got that star is one huge epic of a story, so we might forgive a little of his pride for it.

Major Marmelade is a quiet, sober type soldier.  He is very efficient and very dependable in battle.  He knows how to get the job done.  He is the most decorated officer in General Nutcrackers militia, but he is very humble about it.:)

Here we have(again from left to right) LIEUTENANT JAMES DANDY, TOOT, and SWEET.

These three fellows are the heart of the militia's moral.

Lt. Dandy is the militia's poet with a purple sash.  He runs faster than anyone else and records the epic battles...and the not so epic battles.  But he is so good with words that even the tiniest battles sound impressive. He is very romantic, and it is rumored that the purple sash he wears was given him by some beautiful doll whose name is unknown.  He is not a show off, like the General Major, although by his 12 sparkly buttons you might think so. He just tends to overdue things because he is a very fervant sort of fellow. 

Toot and Sweet(called "Sweetie" by his closest comrades) are twins, and joined General Nutcrackers army at the same time.  They were called as his Hussars, but when they were told, they misheard and thought they were the Nutcrackers "Huzzahs!" And that is why over all the battle din you hear "Huzzah!  Huzzah!" It is indeed Toot and Sweet fullfilling their "duties" with all their might.:)

Here are Colonel Sargent Brickle and Sargent Colonel Pickle.

These two fellows can never decide on anything!  Up! Down! Forward! Retreat!  They are fun to have around, but are somewhat of a trial to General Nutcracker(though his very good manners would never have him let on).

Last but not least, here is the General's entire Navy.  ADMIRAL D.DARLING and MON CAPITAN BON BON(He's french).

For the longest time Admiral Darling was the Nutcracker's ENTIRE Navy, and how Mon Capitan Bon Bon(he is french) came to join the navy is a really beautiful story...that shall have to be told another time.:)  The Admiral swears his full name is Dagmar Darling, but the real truth is that he was born Dainty Darling.  Of course that is a ridiculous name to name a little boy soldier, but his mother was a very ridiculous sort of woman, though also the most loving mother a soldier could wish for(as tokened by the picture of her that the Admiral keeps in his breast pocket.:)  The Admiral of course never ever lets on about his real birth name, and instead says his name is Dagmar, which VERY unfortunately is a girl's name, but he didn't know, he thought it sounded very fierce<----which is important when you are heading the navy, albeit a navy of one or two.:)

Mon Capitan Bon Bon is french, and the most loyal companion of the Admiral.




And there is the gist of the my little Nutcracker Army.  I would write more, for indeed there is epic upon epic to record upon these webpages, but alas, the baby calls and I must bid you adieu!

to get it over with

I have started and stopped SO MANY blog posts since last I wrote. 

SO MANY.

I have greatly desired to write about the experiences I have been having since having this new addition to our home.  SO MANY things have been happening over here. And I have been having so many interesting thoughts and feelings that I want to share.

BUT....

Some things have been stopping me.
Mostly peer pressure-y things.

And that is silly.

SO.

TO get things MAYBE started again here are some really quick, brief thoughts I was thinking about my post partum experience today. Maybe if I write them down really fast I will get past the nervous energy I have been feeling about writing.

Here goes.

Heidi Rosalind is over two months now..(like over by four days;), and I have been blessed with a really awesome emotional recovery this time round!  With Jane I honestly can not remember if I had bad PPD.  What I DO remember is that when Denny came I was worried about it enough to secretly encapsulate my placenta and eat it in little "magic pills" and IT WAS AWESOME!!! SO much energy and well being and balanced hormones!  WIth Alice the "magic pills" did not work, in fact they made me totally crazy and super unbalanced feeling.  We have come to the recent conclusion that this might have been because I am estrogen dominant and with a super estrogeny placenta from having a baby girl might have been hormone overload instead of hormone balancing(ps. if you want to know more about the awesomeness of placenta encapsulation look here---->MAGIC PILLS ).  I did find though that taking wheat germ totally balanced things out, and that was wonderful. 

For this newest baby I prayed and studied and felt like the best thing I could do to prevent PPD this time round was to eat greens to the max and keep up on my herbs.

And it worked out pretty well!!

On further reflection I found several other things that made this post partum experience emotionally awesome.  Here is a brief list:

-100 hours of therapy.  Seriously.:)  I was thinking about how calm I am this time around and I realized that I have had about 100 hours in the chair at a shrink's office over my lifetime, and I really think the things I learned in those sessions helped me out.  This last round I had, after my Dad passed, was especially significant.  I keep thinking about how my therapist would say, "Clair are you gonna die?  Then I think it will be ok."  Or "Clair are you gonna die?  Then it really isn't that important."  Kind of intense actually when you connect that to the fact I was in therapy because my Dad had just DIED.  Anyways, very good advice that has absolutely changed my perspective on parenting and life in general. 

-BREATHING.  Much intentional breathing has also super helped me stay calm and in perspective.  Good adrenal herbs have also super aided the anxiety and hormonal balance.  Your adrenals and thyroid(both stress related systems in the body) secrete hormones too you know, it's not just the female reproductive parts you gotta worry about with hormone balance!

-A phenomenal support system.  Friends, family, kids, and hubby.  THANK YOU.  Support from far and near.  So important.  Keeping BJ healthy also was key.  I am so grateful that he made sure that he was in good shape so that he could be a good helper and support to me and the kids.:)

-Eating my greens.  I already said this, but dude, SERIOUSLY.  Eating lots of nutrient rich food was KEY.  As well as keeping up on my herbs I take, and drinking RED RASPBERRY TEA.  I drank two qts a day the first week and about a qt a day after that.  I am still taking it, about a qt a day, combined with skullcap(a nervine) and sometimes catnip(also good for nerves and relaxation<---you can give it to your kids at bedtime ps...:).

-PRAYER and POSITIVITY.  SO essential for me. (My baby is starting to beckon me for supper...so this is going to start getting brief....)

A few really important things to mention that DID NOT HELP:
-Entering the world too soon.  Maybe it is because I am SUPER INSECURE, but letting myself back onto facebook, or having people over too soon was not so good for me this time.  There is something about letting the world back in that just makes you a bit crazy and SUPER DOUBTFUL of every good decision you have ever made as a mother. 

-Reading anything negative, especially about mothering too soon(OR EVER GOOD GRIEF).  People can be really insensitive to others, not meaning to even sometimes, and it just isn't good for the well being of a new mommy(even the new mommy of baby #4) to be exposed to that kind of yuck.  A mother should never have to feel that they are stupid, or selfish, or inadequate as a mother.  NO one has that kind of right to judge you but yourself and God. For REAL. We need to be kinder to ourselves and each other and apply "benefit of the doubt" to ourselves and others.  Basically at all times. Oi.  I had several experiences of this negative nature way too soon after the baby was born and the days those experiences happened were THE ONLY days I felt anything like PPD.  The adversary is very real, and it didn't take much for him to use those opportunities to make me feel like the absolute worst mother ever.  It was horrible!  And the truth is that I am a pretty good mother. We need to surround ourselves with truth.  It is the good idea.:)

SO.  I feel very blessed.  PPD is ugly and very damaging to the mother and the whole family.  If you have PPD please get some help.  People love you. SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU, and want to help you.  Heavenly Father does not want us to be unhappy.  Not like PPD makes you unhappy.  A bad day is one thing, even maybe a bad WEEK, but longer then that is no bueno friend.  And life does not have to be like that.

OK, there you go.  First scary post done with.  And it wasn't THAT SCARY...(to write that is).:)
THE END. 

(photo by KAYLA CROUCH!!!<---SHE ROCKS!)
Thanks for reading my Mumma's blog.  She is a bit crazy and weird but she is a good egg when all is said and done.:)

The Cautionary Tale of Heidi Rosalind

This is Heidi Rose wondering if you are ready for THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF HEIDI ROSALIND!!


SO it has taken me FOREVER to get this birth story written down, and even at this moment I really just don't feel like writing it.:)  Not because her birth was horrible or anything, I just have not felt like writing lately.  I feel like TALKING.  Talking is so much easier than writing! At least it is for ME.

But I digress...

So this labor story really starts an entire week before she was actually born.  I went to my midwife appointment on August 6th and was told by my midwife that she really wanted me to have this baby by Friday so she could go to her high school 50th reunion in Idaho...and I was like...say wha?!?  But also very ready to have the baby if the baby was ready.  Also, important to mention, my parents were in town and leaving on the 13th, and my Sister Heidi(who MY Heidi Rose is named after) was coming on the 12th as well to see the hopefully born by then baby...

Anyways, so my midwife and I decided that maybe doing some cervical massage would be a great idea to try and get things going.  ALL of my previous labors had started with cervical massage, like within the following 24 hours. So I figured we were having a baby that evening or the next morning.  That was NOT what happened.

Finally on WEDNESDAY morning, very early (I believe it was about 5:30ish) labor began.  Contractions built, and continued until about 9:30, and then stopped COMPLETELY.  As soon as the contractions began I put on my Hypnobabies track(probably the deepening one, I can't remember), and then managed to get back to sleep.  The contractions were intense and building, but really manageable. (HYPNOBABIES FOR THE WIN. FOR REAL.)

So, after they stopped I was a bit frustrated, but after talking to my midwife, we figured that labor would probably start back up again that night, and we would pop that baby out pretty dang fast!

Well that didn't happen.  Labor DID start up again Thursday morning around 9am, and my midwife and her two assistants hurried on over.  Labor kept progressing until about noon...and then again stopped completely.  We all decided to let the midwives go home and keep in touch, labor would probably not begin again until the afternoon or evening.....which did not happen....AGAIN.

It also did not start up Friday....or Saturday. Friday morning my midwife calls and says that since labor hasn't started up again she is going to head on up to her reunion.  She gave me her back-up's number and left on her merry way.  I WAS NOT PLEASED.  I had been walking, and taking cohosh, and doing everything to get this labor going for her and my folks and everyone and I just felt abandoned. I need to add here that my midwife and I are both extremely prayerful people, and she had prayed very hard to know if she should attend this reunion and had a really strong impression that it was important for her to go, and I felt a confirmation of that when she told me.  I still felt abandoned though a bit. Mostly just super frustrated that all these people needed to see this baby before leaving to various places and I just felt helpless!

Sunday Sister Heidi came and went to SERIOUS work on some reflex-get-into-labor-points on my body.  Baby did not appear while she was there, but a few hours later my little family and folks went up to the BYU duck pond and hung out for about an hour I think.  Around 5:30pm I all asudden had a huge contraction....and then a minute later another one...and they kept on coming about every one or two minutes.  Really strong, really close together contractions are really normal for me in early labor, and labor had already started and stopped twice so I was a bit dubious that this was the real thing, but my parents were also planning on leaving back to WA in the next day or two and I really wanted this to be the real thing so I started concentrating REALLY hard on hoping this was for real!:)  We got home, my parents went to their hotel, my kids went to a friend's home for the night, and the midwives came on over.  My midwife had just got back into town and got to my home asap.

OK, I have to interject here again.  I have a REALLY hard time with feeling abandoned, and feeling let down by people I depend on.  Stupid leftover emotional scars from being from a divorced family.  Also, my labors super stall when I am upset and not relaxed.  I had to figure out super quick how to communicate my frustration to my midwife in a way that could be resolved happily and quickly so labor would not stop.  I really suck at that kind of thing so I was a bit freaking out.  Fortunately I had prayer on my side and basically an angel of a midwife who is SO receptive of the spirit.  So she got to my house and I basically told her that I was really upset that she had left, and she said she knew.  And then I said a few other things and she responded and it was totally AWESOME.  I wish communicating with my family was that easy! And then we moved on!:)

So since I had been seemingly laboring for a few days off and on the midwives all thought I was going to have this baby SOOOO FAST!  Well let me just spoil the surprise, Heidi Rose's last full stint of labor lasted for TEN HOURS.  From 5:30ish pm Sunday evening until 3:48am Monday morning.  Labor was EASY, ohmygator it was so easy.  We have pictures of my laboring and smiling, and that was seriously how it was. Hypnobabies people!  It is AWESOME.  I am sorry Meridy if you read this, hypnosis really does work in labor, and you really don't feel pain during contractions if everything is progressing normal. Which mine did for the first 8ish, 9ish hours.  You could barely tell I was in labor, and really you could only tell I was if you had been at lots of births before.  Everything was so peaceful, and quiet.  My favorite part was for a while when I was on the birth ball and BJ was in a chair in front of me with a couple of huge pillows on his lap.  I rested my head and front of my body on the pillows with my tummy hanging down and BJ did some light touch massage on my back.  IT WAS HEAVEN.  My midwife rested on my couch, and her two assistants were doing midwife homework in my kitchen.  The lights were dim.  It was just heaven.  I thought my baby down, and just was in deep concentration.


(This is me not being in pain during a contraction and feeling very happy about it:)

I think the reason why hypnobabies worked so well for me with this labor was because I had been listening to tracks almost non-stop many of the days leading up to her actual birth(I really was trying everything natural to get that baby out so my parents could see their newest love!:).  I had been not very consistent with practicing relaxing and hypnosis really until that last week.  By the time labor started I felt VERY in the zone and was able to relax super deeply.  The contractions really did feel just like a bit of pressure which required just a little bit of extra concentration.  Where I could really tell the difference in pain was when I got into the birth tub.  I LOVE laboring in the birth tub normally because it takes away like 80% of the pain.  The water super buoys your belly and all those hard working contractions and it is just glorious.  THIS TIME the contraction pain was already minimal so that when I was in the water I actually couldn't feel ANYTHING, which was really frustrating because I needed to know my labor wasn't stalling again!  So the birth tub for labor was not really what I enjoyed this time.  The birth ball ended up being what my body wanted most, which was interesting because I don't think I used my birth ball at all for any of my other births.

Anyways, around midnight we decided to go ahead and check me(I had been at about a 6 or 7 by the end of Thursday morning-hence everyone believing that my labor was going to go lightning speed....), well, turns out that my cervix was not aligned and that the baby's head was pulling my cervix down with it so I was back down to a 4. A FOUR?!?!?!?  I was so discouraged, even though I knew that the fact she was much lower was more important than dilation, and Denny had gone from a 5 to a 10 in 45 minutes, so dilation really is not a good indicator of progression.  ANYWAYS, another part of the problem was that since I am so short the pathway out was not aligning properly(chiropractor would have solved this problem as it had with another labor) and the baby was having a hard time moving down.  So every time from then that I had a contraction she wanted me to pull my tummy in with my hands in a certain way which increased the pressure, and helped align everything.  And BJ and I decided that it was time for a walk around the block to help gravity out.  Right before we left I asked BJ for a blessing(because I was so dang discouraged). During the blessing I felt a contraction,  and even though BJ was in the middle of the blessing I decided to pull in my tummy like my midwife had suggested.  Well immediately my water broke ALL OVER EVERYWHERE. Which was awesome, and nervous for me at the same time.  I knew the baby had time to come, but I was afraid of stalling, I was afraid of labor completely stopping!  Anyways, we took the walk and then things really started going. 

Labor was still very manageable UP TO THAT POINT, and things got crazy.  When things are lined up and normal the pushing stage feels SO GOOD.  With Denny it felt so good that it made me SO EXCITED for Alice's birth, just for that part!:) (Alas, if you know her story you know that that was not the wonderfulness that happened...) Anyways, I started to feel the urge to push and I could tell that this was not going to be fun pushing like with Denny.  This was feeling just like when Alice was born, and something did not feel right.  The pressure felt all in the wrong place and I could tell things were not opening.  I knew I was going to have to get out of the tub.  I knew my midwife was going to have to help my cervix open(which is basically a form of torture if anyone was trying to imagine how that feels!:) while I was pushing, and that it was going to hurt A WHOLE MILLION before that baby came out. 

The best part of this last hourish was that everyone was so perfect in how they supported me.  I was allowed to emote in every way I needed to, however I needed to without any explanation or apology.  They just did everything I needed to help get my baby into the world. And it was beautiful. 

So I began the arduous part of this labor and started pushing with the help of basically everyone.  I ended up pushing on my midwife's incredibly cushiony birth stool.  BJ was on my right hand, another assistant was on my left, and the other assistant was behind me supporting me.  I pushed for I have no idea.  I had pushed for awhile in the tub too.  I went into shock a bit, but they had the oxygen right there, and some shock tincture(with a WHOLE lotta cayenne let me tell you!:), so everything was very safe and OK.  Finally I could feel the crowning, and I was like, why the heck was I not feeling relief yet?!  And then I had to keep pushing and pushing that baby out! And then my midwife exclaimed, "holy cow that is a big baby!"(well, something like that:).  BJ caught her, and then handed her right to me(can I add really quickly what a super trooper this man is?!  It was such a long labor! And right before the end we were both in the tub.  I got to be dried off and changed right when I got out-cause we were all women but BJ-but HE had to stay in wet clothes for that last at least 45 minutes, and he was probably freezing!  We went right to the birth stool and into serious pushing mode, so he didn't have a chance to change.).  As soon as I had her I said, "hello baby!" and her head turned super fast toward me and her eyes popped super wide open, and she looked at me, and I melted.:) 

Usually when I hold my baby I feel a rush of emotion, and feelings of that baby's unique spirit.  With this darling baby I felt not a whole lot.  I felt patience.  I felt cautious emotions coming from this baby.  She just looked at me, and you could see her thinking and deciding about what she was thinking about.  It was a very curious experience which has continued right up to the present.  This is a cautionary baby.  She takes her time to figure things out.  She is teaching me how to be more calm and more patient everyday!:)

After she came out the placenta had to be delivered.  Usually not a big deal, but pushing out that lovely sized baby had taken a lot out of me and was way more painful than a water delivery where everything is supported.  Pushing was not feeling happy.  With Alice, the placenta wasn't coming out in the tub so my midwife let me get in the shower, and it immediately slipped out as soon as I did.  I was hoping for that experience again, but this midwife wanted it out before I got cleaned up.  It took several pushes, and no wonder!  It was AT LEAST 3-5 pounds!  It was HUGE!  Basically the size of another child!:)

THEN I TOOK MY SHOWER.  OK, seriously one of my most favorite parts of labor.:)  My midwives were so funny.  They could not believe how much energy I had, and how much I wanted that shower.:)  They were all thinking that if it was them they would just want to fall into bed and go to sleep, but I LOVE BEING CLEAN!:)

It was a long, beautiful labor.  The end was really hard, but I did it.  This five foot woman pushed out a 9 lb 5 oz baby, through her own pelvis, with NO TEARING AT ALL.  I had one skid mark that healed in half a day. 

One thing that surprised me about the recovery was how long it took this time.  I was really diligent about drinking my red raspberry leaf tea which helps heal things SO FAST(really, it is crazy), but things got SO STRETCHED OUT with this lovely sized baby that it just took WAY longer than I thought it would to start to get things back to even close to normal(yeah, we are still working on it four weeks later<---which testifies how fast of a recovery I have experienced with red rasp. tea before!:).

Pushing was super intense I am not going to lie.  There were definite thoughts about not having anymore children EVER again, and other such thoughts.  But honestly, truly, I could not remember the pain EVEN THE NEXT DAY.  And yes, I probably will have SEVERAL more children.:) 

I mentioned the chiropractor up there somewhere.  I went to the chiro. with Denny's pregnancy, and labor went WAY differently than my other labors.  And pushing was a miraculous thing.  I really am not joking. We took a BIRTHING FROM WITHIN class with the following pregnancy and they do "birth art" type things, and one of the art prompts was to draw a picture of the pushing stage, and my picture was of a party LITERALLY.(OK, that class probably sounds totally crazy, but it was REALLY AWESOME and fun.:)
My Sister Heidi has also experienced the difference that going to the chiropractor makes for the last 6ish weeks of pregnancy in labor.  It is a revelation friends!:)  I really think if I had been going to the chiro those last few weeks that this baby would not have kept getting stuck and that she would have come WAY earlier, and fast, and WAY LESS PAINFULLY AT THE PUSHING PART!!!<---FOR REAL.

Anyways, that is the basic story of the Cautionary Tale of Heidi Rosalind.  You can decide for yourself why it was cautionary.  Because of her personality, her weird labor journey, not having gone to a chiro...etc.;)

Yay babies!!! Also, you probably guessed, but I birthed at home under the care of an AMAZING midwife, Dianne.  She has been a midwife for 30 years, has hardly ever had a patient who tore during labor, and just brings the most peaceful and loving spirit to the births she attends.  I love her millions.  Her two assistants were also darling.  We had several really neat discussions about life, religion, movies, etc.:)  Hypnobabies totally rocked this labor. OHMYGATOR.  One of my bestest friends, JAMIE, was our teacher, and it was such a neat experience, and totally made a huge difference in the manageability of this labor.  TEN HOURS is a long labor(especially for a fourth child!), and it was not painful at all until the end when things were not lined up. The hardest part of this labor(ok, besides the pushing) was the emotional and mental endurance it took.  Starting and stopping, and then concentrating for ten hours is intense!  BUT it was TOTALLY DOABLE.  Yes, you could do it too.:)

I am so grateful to be a woman, and to have had four beautiful(if not sometimes super intense!) births.  AND four beautiful darling babies.  I am SO GRATEFUL for my little clan.  Being able to have a family is something not everyone gets to have in this life, and I feel so blessed that I get to be one of the few.  Birth is such a powerful and life changing experience.  I had a blessing where it said that it is basically a sacred ordinance being born.  That is definitely how I feel about it.  It is something sacred and precious and beautiful.  AND POWERFUL.  It has the ability to change you in ways you can't even imagine.  I am a totally different person because of each of my births.  I have learned something very specific from each of my children and their birth experiences.  I feel so grateful.  SO BLESSED.

Well, I should probably end this here.  GOOD GRIEF I AM LONG WINDED!:)
Happy Monday!!!

OK. PS.  One of my other favorite parts about home birth is that once you have had that beautiful baby the midwives tuck you and your handsome hubby into bed(together! Not on separate uncomfortable hospital beds!), they clean everything up, and then leave.  You are free to sleep and cuddle that baby and your wonderful helpmate, and it is PURE HEAVEN.  No getting woken up by crazy nurses every 20 minutes, and poked and prodded. Just PEACE. How awesome is that?!?! Pretty dang in my opinion.;)



Heidi Rosalind's UN birthday

SO no baby yet.

This week has been a roller coaster of emotion.

Wednesday morning I woke up with intense contractions that went about ten times an hour from 3:30 am until about 9ish I think.

Then they stopped...basically completely.

Lots of pelvic pressure throughout the day.  And other labor signs, but those illusive labor contractions were not to be found.

We had friends watch the kids because we thought that the labor would probably start back up....

...and it did Thursday morning, full throttle.
Again super intense, building contractions that began around 5:30ish this time and lasted until just about 11.  Midwives came over around 6am, and I progressed a TON.  When the contractions tapered off I was at just over a 6 in dilation(dilation is really overrated in my experience). So the midwives thought they should leave to see if me resting would get everything going again. The contractions had started to taper around 10ish and we had already tried a ton of things to get them going again.  Rest seemed like what my body was wanting.

I had maybe four more contractions throughout the rest of Thursday.  Lots of other labor symptoms(consistent bloody show, pelvic pressure to the max, etc...)

But again those elusive labor contractions were seriously lacking.

There was much talked of hope for a night labor as soon as the kids were asleep in bed.  The kids were completely wiped out from playing for a day and a half with friends and being away from home.  Hope was high that if labor started they would sleep through the night.  It took like no minutes for ME to fall asleep as these last few days have been emotionally draining TO THE MAX.  I figured, with everyone else, that labor would start up again in the morning.

Well, it is almost 9am, and no labor.  My midwife is leaving town today(she has a back up), and my parents are still in town(but leave on Monday).

I am dilating, I am having all sorts of labor symptoms, just this baby isn't ready to come yet.

And apart from being uncomfortable to the max, and worrying about my parents having to leave town, and my midwife leaving town and having to have this baby with a midwife I have never met, I am ok that this baby wants to come when SHE wants to.

Sometimes you need to induce a baby.  Alice was that way.  But I am healthy, this baby is healthy(she is moving lots and her heartbeat is super strong:), it feels selfish to MAKE her come if she isn't ready.  Which sounds really harsh and very contrary to public opinion, but there it is. She is not a "bad baby" for wanting to come when she is ready.  For goodness sakes!

I am tired.  I am very tired. Waiting is hard.  But you know what? That is life.  Sometimes you have to wait.  Sometimes you have to give up your control to God.  I am glad I get that. It is not easy giving up control. NOT EASY AT ALL FOR ME. But it is important to be able to do that.  I can not see the future, but HE can.  Everyone is safe, there is no REAL need to be freaking out about the progress of this labor.

Anyways, today will be another hard day, but it will be ok with lots of peaceful moments just like the rest of the week.  Heidi Rosalind is coming. I don't know when. I have had SO MANY blessings about this birth and they have all been so encouraging and amazing.  This birth is going to be exactly perfect for this baby and for me and for our family.

We have been so blessed with support from friends and family.  WE ARE SO GRATEFUL.  We will try and keep everyone informed as things continue to progress.(And they ARE progressing, just super slowly:).

Clair Logic;)

Today I am SO sick.  Completely nauseated. Headachey to the max. Pelvic area feels painful and sore and like it is breaking(<---I need a live-in chiropractor FOR REAL).  I am so exhausted from no sleep because I was headachey and pelvic painful all the dang night. Boo and blah.

I really love the Alice in Wonderland books.  A lot of people get creepy vibes from them(and then love Twilight go figure), but I LOVE Alice's adventures.  They are so completely creative and dreamlike to me.  I totally feel the "storytelling" aspect of the tale.  I always want to go create some kind of art or magic when I am done reading her tales. I get super inspired. 

There is one other link to me and Wonderland.  Logic.  Or rather unlogic. In Wonderland logic is different than it is in real life.  Somethings will sound logical there that aren't really.  "Clair logic" is super the same.

For example: If I have not started labor by about noon, then I figure the baby is not coming that day. If the baby hasn't come by Wednesday then the baby is probably not coming this week.  There is no real logic there, but that is EXACTLY what my body and mind believe.  FOR REAL. Not in a pessimistic way, dude there is no logic, that would require logic.  We are talking about CLAIR LOGIC. And it is just one of those things.  The baby will probably not come because it has not come yet, and the day/week is basically over. 

It makes no sense to anyone but Clair.:)

My husband wrote a song about me and my Clair Logic a few months ago. I wish I had a recording of it.  You will have to be satisfied with lyrics:

Her Uncommon Sense
by BJ HAMAKER
about CLAIR HAMAKER:)

My Clair's a clever thing
I can ask her anything
And when she answers then
she makes uncommon sense.

one night, no cloud, no thunder
in a field we lie
when aloud I wonder
"how many stars in the sky?"

she said, "All of them.
Where else would they be?
I don't think you're talkin
'bout the stars in the sea.
It's a simple thing
you can understand
it's no complex question
like two birds in the hand."

My Clair said "Ohmygator.
How cold is my nose?"
I said, "refrigerator.
You should hold me close."

She said, "Hold you close?
How else could I do?
I can't hold you here
if you're in Timbuktu.
It's a simple thing
you can understand
it's no complex question
like two birds in the hand."

Lately I have been having more Clair Logic moments for which new lyrics could be made, but since they aren't completely logical we haven't been able to remember them later...

It will be interesting when I take my rhetoric classes on campus in the next few years to see how Clair Logic will adapt.:)

Interesting side note QUESTION: This is my 94th post on this blog.  Do you think I will post my 100th post or have the baby first?

PS.This is my new best friend.  SONIC ICE.  Pregnant women in Vegas tried to convince me FOR YEARS this was the best thing ever. Only recently have I been able to be converted. YUM! It cools you down and takes away the queezies.  LOVE IT!  -as a side note-craving ice can be a sign of anemia, or low iron.  But if you live somewhere hot to the crazy then you are probably just needing to cool down and eat some of this ice.;)

I am not very good at waiting.:)

SO, there has been a list needing to get accomplished, well FEELING like it needs to be accomplished, before this baby makes its appearance.

The list included, but was not limited to:
-getting the family room more awesome
-Denny's birthday
-painting furniture
-nesting parties
-etc...

I can't remember everything on the list. What I wanted to mostly say IS that most of that stuff if not all IS DONE.

Now where is the baby?

STILL IN MY TUMMY.

I remember when I was pregnant with Alice how lots of people recommended having a birth project to work on for while I was in labor.

SO I made a quilt. I thought it was a GREAT idea to spend the first part of my labor doing something fun to help pass the time.

And then the quilt was done, and there was still no baby in the outside world. In fact I think it took more than five more hours for my Queen Alice to make her world debut.

I am not very good at waiting.

And it isn't like I have any energy to do anything at this point.  Just watch the Olympics and keep an ear out for my current offspring.  They have been really good so far<----I AM SO GRATEFUL.

Jane has been making the other kids lunch lately.  Can I tell you how much I totally dig that?!

Oh! And Denny's birthday was yesterday.  BJ ended up staying home for lots of various reasons, and so that helped the day totally rock, and be WAY LESS stressful than I thought it was going to be.
Denny had a great time with friends over.  BJ dressed up as a "bad guy" and then Denny and his friends got to "fight" him with homemade pool noodle light sabers. It was awesome until BJ was TOO SCARY and made half the little guys cry.....oh dear....

Anyways, now I am waiting, and doing some more waiting.  I am mostly fine with the waiting generally.  I would love to go into labor naturally.  But I would also love to have this baby today....you know.:)
I was really stressed about the baby coming yesterday because Denny REALLY DID NOT want a sister sharing his birthday. But now yesterday is over, and there is nothing more NEEDING to get done....except HAVING THIS BABY.  Did I mention that my Mum needs the baby blessing at church to be on the 12th of August so she can be there?:) No pressure. Well the full moon is coming.  Maybe that will be our sign.:)

Also, the flys in my house are driving me crazy. 

SUMMER OLYMPICS!!!!

So I was thinking, yesterday on my walk, how perfect would it be to have my water break on my walk, then be in serious labor during the Olympic opening ceremonies, and then have the baby right after midnight.  Then we could go to sleep, and wake up with happy times.

That did not happen.:)
Oh well.

So instead of posting super cute new baby pictures I will write a few thoughts on the Olympics.

I LOVE the summer Olympics.  My son was born right before the last summer Olympics, and it is just super fun to be having a baby around this time again. I remember it POURING down rain and creating our very own Chinese Olympic rice patty, atleast a foot deep....that completely soaked into the ground in less than an hour...VEGAS.:)

I LOVE the feeling of the Olympics.  There are a ton of cynics out there who go on and on and on about the materialism and so forth that sometimes surrounds the Olympic Games, but what *I* love is the world unity it brings out in people.  I love watching a game and seeing someone not quite make it, but still be smiling, and being congratulated on their great effort by other country team mates. 

I love that school children in England chose different countries to sponsor and cheer for.  I mean, if that isn't the true spirit of fair play I don't know what is.:)

Last night we let the kids stay up to watch the opening ceremonies and it was such a blast.  We had lots of crayons and paper so they could make all the different flags to cheer the different countries on in the next few weeks.  It was fun teaching them about different countries and cultures through the medium of the Olympics.

Anyways, some of the things I loved about the opening ceremonies:

-the lighting of the big flame! Holy cow that was GORGEOUS!! The view from underneath the flames was breath taking.

-Rowan Atkinson.  Oh man, I think he is so hilarious.  I am so glad he had a moment of awesome at the ceremonies.:)

-Paul, it was so completely delightful singing "na na na na na na na" with you.:)

-OK, was I the ONLY one getting a mega LOTR vibe in this part of the ceremonies?:) FORGING THE ONE RING...I mean, come on.;)

Anyways, we are so excited to watch the games here.  We have a super ghetto tv that gets horrible reception, even with an antenna, so we have had to totally temporarily rearrange our living room to accomodate the games, but it is worth it.:)  Beach volleyball....ohmygator....SO EXCITED!!!! I didn't really grow up in a sports mania home, but I am excited about the Olympics.  We will be rooting on all sorts of favorite countries.:)

Well, my tummy has been crazy all day today.  Could be practicing, could be the real thing.  Probably just practicing, but you never know.  It looks like a storm is brewing outside....MY FAVORITE!!!!!!!:)

Happy Saturday!

QUESTION: What is YOUR favorite thing or favorite part of the Olympics?  Who are YOU rooting for?:)

Waiting for baby

Waiting for this darling baby to come has put my family on the weirdest schedule.

None of us are waking up before 9.
Then the kids watch a show and eat breakfast while Mum continues to try and wake her body up.

Then it takes basically the rest of the morning to get all the way ready for the day. Though some days that still means people are in pajamas....I am not sure what all we are doing all morning, but it ain't a lot.

Then we have lunch...sometimes around 1 or 2ish....
Jane has been making lunch for everyone lately.:) Thumbs up!:)
Alice helped make sandwiches with Jane yesterday.:) Love it!
I am a GREAT believer in teaching independence at a young age.
That may be a tiny bit due to laziness on my part.....:)

After lunch we rest and watch another show together.
Can I add that this is one of my favorite parts of the day lately?
I lay down, then Jane sits beside me holding my hand.
Alice is cuddled up right in front of me, laying down.
And my son is perched on top of me, laying down on my side basically. 
It is like they have built a human fort of babies around me.:)
I am completely surrounded by babies, and I LOVE it!:)

Then I have no idea what we do until Dad gets home.

Eventually he gets home.
He makes dinner.
Or goes out with the kids and picks up Subway or something.

Then I go on my walk up to campus.
While BJ puts the kids to bed.

Putting the kids to bed lasts a long time lately.
It involves them cleaning and playing for a few hours.
Sometimes they make it into their pajamas.

I am not home, and I am not putting them to bed, so I can't really complain about BJ's technique.:)
As long as their rooms are cleaned up, and their teeth are brushed...:)

BJ then does all the dishes for the day, and maybe cleans up the family room or does some other chore needing to be done.

I have returned home by 8ish, and am in the shower, and then collapsed on the couch.
I drink a quart of tea and have a snack.
And then I relax and watch probably Biggest Loser or As Time Goes By for an episode or two.
BJ comes and hangs out with me for a bit.

The kids are finally asleep by 10 typically.
BJ and I hang out, just chilling, and usually making jokes until about 12.
By then the quart of tea is you know....out.:)

Then we turn off all the lights, lock the doors, get ready for bed.
I go in and kiss the babies goodnight and seal it with a prayer that they will be safe through the night.
Then BJ and I have our evening prayer together.
BJ turns on the lavender diffuser and essential oils the crazy out of my feet and legs.
He waits for me to stop chatting with him, and then gives me a goodnight massage.
I have been falling asleep in about twenty minutes, which is AMAZING for me.

He is basically asleep as well.

Maybe the kids will wake up needing something.
BJ to the rescue.

I will wake up every hour or half hour at the call of nature.

Then we begin again.

*****

Not much is getting done. I will be very excited when this darling one comes out into the world. Yes, it will be crazy for awhile, but I have done this three times now, and the crazy will pass, and bodymyown will be heaven, and our family can return to a little more normal schedule.  I am VERY MUCH looking forward to recovering from this pregnancy.:)

I need to make 3-4 little Jedi robes today.  Anyone want to do it for me?  I just want to lay on the couch.:)

Knock on wood! Or come what may!:)

So BJ graduated high school at the age of 12.  I kind of just assume my kids will be graduating early as well, though not that early.  I don't EXPECT them too, but it just kind of feels like maybe some of them will.

Last night BJ and I were talking about this and how Jane is SUCH A LITTLE MUMMA.  Her mother heart is GINORMOUS!!! And how she is probably going to get married young. This kind of frightens me a bit.
Anyways, BJ was joking about us having to sign a waiver cause she was going to get married at 16 and I was like NO WAY!

AND THEN I KNOCKED ON WOOD.

Do you know why I knocked on wood?
Because I swear every time I say "I will never!", then it happens somehow that I do.

Cloth diapering, homeschool, home birth, falling in love with a guy about to serve a 2 year church mission, etc....

Lately I have been super surprised at some feelings I have been having that I thought I WOULD NEVER EVER have.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE IN UTAH RIGHT NOW.<-----so unexpected!!

The first time I lived here(about a decade ago! I am getting so old!:) I was attending the Y, and just felt so homesick for WA.  WA is green and beautiful.  Utah felt SO BROWN and ugly. It felt like there were NO TREES here.  I mean, just compare the mountains in WA and UT and you can kind of see what I mean.  I remember that there were really bad fires on the Y mountain that first semester, and one day the sky turned orange with yucky smoke.  Then it rained.....MUD.  It was the grossest thing this 19 year old had ever experienced.  You could literally see the orange sky turning blue as the rain cleansed the sky.  I remember looking down at my black capri pants and being horrified that they had turned brown in the "rain".  I loved BYU with all my little heart, but Utah was another thing all together!

Sometimes in the quad they would set up a soapbox for the students to have fun with.  I remember one dude from California getting up and talking about how he was starting a fund to dig out the whole BYU campus and move it to the CA coast.  I laughed so hard, but was in eighty million agreeance.:)  BYU on the beach sounded good to me!:)

The second time I lived in Provo I came with a cute husband.  We were DIRT POOR.  All our money had been used up in the move.  I remember going to a restaurant for breakfast the morning after we got there cause we didn't have any food yet or something, and having to split the meal and being SOOO HUNGRY.  And not getting full enough from the meal, and feeling bitter thoughts towards my newish husband who ate more than I thought he should have(we split it up equally but hungry eyes are jealous eyes). Shudder.  It was not a pleasant experience. I remember how when we got to Utah it was such a bummer.  CA was finally in total Spring mode when we left, and now we were back into WINTER. BLECH!

I got to go back to school which I loved, but sometime during the semester BJ got laid off from work because of a business merge the company was going through, our car completely broke down and we began to really struggle.  It was a really dark time, and especially hard because we hadn't been married very long. After we left I thought I would never be happy to live in Utah again(not that I was ginormously happy there to begin with except for school.:)

Then we moved to the ACTUAL desert in Vegas and Utah started to look VERY green comparatively.:)
BJ even surprised me for my birthday one year and drove me back to Provo FOR FUN. And I LOVED IT!!

We have lived in four states during the time we have been married.  We began in beautiful Sacramento, CA which was lovely, but we weren't really progressing in our dreams there. So then we were off to return to Provo to finish school(which DID NOT WORK OUT AT ALL!! But was an important part of our journey.  We learned A LOT about each other and what it meant to be married, etc...). Then we were relocated to Nevada where we met a ton of wonderful people and hated everything else.:)  BJ really began his career there, and finished school which was good. AND we began our little clan which was VERY GOOD.:)  Then we lost our house and BJ's job was basically failing, so we picked up our little family and moved to WA for a year.  SUCH a wonderful reprieve, but we were living with family, which was a mixed happiness.

And now we are back in Utah.  Although there were good things about each place we have lived, we weren't really happy in any of them...until now.....IN UTAH. It is so surprising to me!  CA was a really awesome place! Nevada had amazing opportunities! WA is basically where my home heart is! BUT in every single one of those places there were times where I just hated being there.  HATED IT, and let BJ know lots and lots.  For lots of different reasons.

And now, ironically, IN UTAH, a place I never really relished(except for school:) I am THRIVING.  I LOVE IT!  I have not said ONCE that I wish we were somewhere else(well, I do wish the ocean was here, but as for ACTUALLY moving right now, I am really content.  Someday we will move back to the coast, but I am so happy to be here NOW.).  I haven't said once that I hate being here. And I am so surprised! It is hot! It is dry! There are no beaches in Utah!

BUT I LOVE IT HERE SO MILLIONS!!! I LOVE Provo!  I love my neighborhood.  I love the people here.  I love going back to school.  I love that BJ has a really great job right now.  I love the opportunities that are coming to our family here. 

I love walking up to campus.  I have been doing it every evening lately to see if baby wants to come.:)  It is about 2 miles round trip.  On the walk there and back I get to walk through the darlingest neighborhoods.  I love looking at all the different kinds of houses here.  And the gardens! There are huge, mature trees lining the streets.  The mountains I have grown to love glow in the golden hour that I walk in every evening.:)  I make my way up the crazy south hill of campus and I just am in love with Provo. I get to the top and walk by the buildings on campus and just want to hug every one of them.:)

I have no idea why I love Provo and BYU so much.  I mean there are lots of wonderful things about this place, but there are lots of wonderful things about every place in the world!

I believe that when we find we love things and don't know why that those are signs of a personal purpose in our life's mission with those things.  I don't know how to say that very well.

I am SO happy to be in Utah.  AND I AM SO HAPPY TO BE IN A PLACE I AM HAPPY IN!!! The future here is so bright, and I am so grateful to feel that my family is exactly where we need to be.  I wonder if the pioneers felt a similar feeling when they finally got to Utah.  I mean, they traveled FAR to get here, after terrible persecution.  They were promised Zion and then arrived HERE.  A brown valley.  After leaving the green Midwest.  But here there was safety and peace.  That counts for millions, and I feel it.

Happy Thursday!!

BJ IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO A CLAIR. He is basically my soul mate.;)

Can I just positively vent for a minute?

BJ WAS SO PREPARED TO BE MY HUSBAND.
DUDE.

In SO MANY WAYS!

There have been several times where I have really felt a need to do something, or change something in our lives and he has totally backed me up every time. (Spending a grand on the garden every year? Done.And can I add we were living in the actual desert at the time?:))  And not just cause he is awesome(though he is AWESOME), but because he had already had experiences in HIS life that made what I was feeling feel totally right to him too.

Two really easy examples:

1.FOOD CHANGES-
-BJ has totally been awesome about the crazy food changes we have made over the years.
I really think him self-choosing to be a vegetarian for awhile in his youth prepared him for that.  Also his awesome mom introducing him to all sorts of different fruits and veggies that most kids never see.  Kumquats, even I have never had one.;)

It would have so been awful to have to go through all the chronic illness that I have, and found what I needed to change nutrition wise and not have the support of my husband.  I know a gal who has to have such a strict diet, and her husband still expects her to cook all sorts of things she can't eat for him. That would be really hard.  He could at the very least cook it himself!

2.HOMESCHOOL. Is it one word? Oh dear.:)
-Anyways, BJ was totally home taught as a youth.  I have not always been a super homeschool advocate myself.  In fact, I thought I was too crazy or disorganized/illiterate/etc.....to do it.  BJ was home taught and then happened to graduate at 12.  I remember when I was pregnant with Jane having terrible nightmares that she would come walking and talking out of my womb, and that I would have to homeschool her because she was super brilliant like her Dad.  Gradually over the years though I have had lots of experiences with talking about homeschool to friends and family, and dude, I am converted.  Public school is not evil, but I really appreciate the pros of homeschooling my kids.  And BJ was prepared his whole life to have a wife who wanted that for his children. (Even when she didn't know it yet!:)

Today I had some fears about the choices we were making, and just worrying about doing the right thing.(I spent way too much time on the Provo School District  and Utah Education websites today....not good homeschool kharma friends...), and I emailed me sweet love with all my doubts and worries and concerns, and he emailed me back reminding me of the answers to prayers we had received, and just totally helping me remember what we were trying to accomplish and how he was totally there with me in what I believe is right for our kids right now.  It was SO WONDERFUL.  Being on the same page is so awesome feeling.

I think that it so rocks. And I don't think it is coincidental.  We didn't talk about these things while we were courting, so that didn't create this wonderful thing.

I think Heavenly Father knew BJ was just the right guy for this Clair and helped me find this guy through crazy odds.:)

Anyways, BJ rocks. At least to me.  And he is so exactly what I needed for a husband/helpmeet/best friend/lover/companion/etc...:)

I am so grateful he was prepared to have me for a wife.:) SO GRATEFUL.:)   I'm kind of a crazy gal you know?:)

Change and Poor Jamie Oliver.

Last night I watched Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution right before bed.  BAD IDEA.  I had heard it was such a great show, and so I thought I would check it out.  I LOVE documentaries about people who are trying to change America's idea about what REAL FOOD is.  But this one, oh Jamie.  He had a really great idea, but it just went all wrong.  I felt really badly for him. He had really good intentions, but man, it went all wrong.  He tried to change people's ideas, but it felt like he was going about it WAY the hard way.  I couldn't believe how closed-minded and completely blind these people were either.  I get part of their point of view, I mean a total stranger coming in to tell them how to eat, not going to go over well probably.  BUT seeing so many people completely accept so many false ideas about nutrition was SHOCKING.  I mean, kids didn't know what veggies were.  Like, they couldn't identify them.  My sister married a guy like this. He had never had strawberries or pineapple before.  He didn't know what asparagus or broccoli were. It was a real eye opener.

It got me to thinking about change, and what a real PROCESS it is. Real change takes A LOT of effort, and it usually needs to come from several directions all at once.  I know to truly turn around my chronic health problems I have had to change a whole handful things all at once for the real health change to happen.  For me, a pill just wasn't going to miraculously cure me.(And in fact, most doctors I turned to gave me no hope for any change in my health, and basically said I would just have to live the rest of my life that way. Not one of them ever talked about nutrition or other non-drug options. Are drugs and surgery all doctors ever learn anymore? Scary!)  I had to change how I looked at food, I had to start an exercise routine, I had to deal with the emotional and stress-related side of health and disease.  I needed to clear out the negative in my life and turn towards the positive.

It feels like almost all change requires this kind of multi-faceted approach. AND hard work. AND dedication. AND PATIENCE. Patience with the process, patience with self.  Change is a work of endurance SO OFTEN. (Can I add that endurance is really NOT one of my strengths?!)

Sometimes change is hard because we want it all at once.  To be frank, this is me most often.:)  I want it NOW!(<---See, no bueno at endurance...)  When really, the best change happens line upon line, precept upon precept.  Usually one person at a time, one thing at a time. Which can feel a bit complicated because so often you have to change many things at once to change one big thing(like health).  So all at once in big ways feels the most productive right?! oh my....

I don't think I will keep watching poor Jamie tackle the world, but I hope things got a bit easier for him.  I hope he figured out how to reach out to the right people to help them see how to make real change in their health and in their lives. I hope he was able to get people to see that health is really scary in America right now.  We have so many things going for us compared to the world, but health is NOT one of them. Being the fattest people in the world is not something to be great at. Obesity is a scary epidemic in our country right now.  We spend billions of American dollars taking care of people who are sick because of obesity related illnesses and diseases.  Surgeries and medicine aren't going to fix this problem, just keep people from dieing at this point(which is good! BUT not what our goal should be!).  That is not thriving! We need to thrive in America! No one deserves to live an obese life.  And it has turned into a generational problem.  We are passing down really scary things to our children because that is all we know.  I know that I am personally dealing with this.  I can make a great meal in a bag, but to cook whole foods for a whole week can sometimes overwhelm me to the point of McD's!!!:)(<---- I take it to the extreme for sure.:)

The people that have died in my family have not died of natural causes.  They didn't just get old and then peacefully pass away.  They died of breast cancer, Parkinson's, and other horrible health problems.  We deserve better lives and deaths than that.  OUR CHILDREN FOR SURE deserve better.  Not only for themselves, but they deserve to have their relatives around for as long as they can.  I believe we aren't just doomed to die in a sick way.  We aren't doomed to having to have cancer or other horrible things.  We can turn around these health problems, but it is going to take serious effort and PURPOSEFUL CHANGE.  Food change, nutrition change, exercise change, LIFESTYLE CHANGE.  The kinds of lives we are living right now in American is NOT WORKING.  We need change, and people are doing it all over this country.  Biggest Loser has proved that through nutrition and exercise you can totally reverse a whole slew of diseases caused by obesity.  Diabetes is no longer incurable for most people.  People like Dr.Furhman are turning cancer around, as well as many other "incurable" illnesses related to allergies, auto-immune diseases, etc. WE CAN make a change! REAL CHANGES. 

I have to laugh a bit at myself, though it isn't really funny.  I am very passionate about health.  Some people get up in arms about gun rights, or abortion, or whatever else.  Those things are also very important. But health, I think, is my thing.  I have been greatly affected by poor health myself, and through losing close, loved ones from bad health and bad health habits. I can not help but see the connection between health and nutrition, it has been VERY plain in my family.

Hee hee, I try not to get preachy, but like all other passionates, it is hard sometimes.:) Hopefully, I won't get too crazy and offend EVERYONE.:) (shaking the head, poor Jamie.....)

Change is hard.
BUT change is TOTALLY DOABLE.
AND it is important.
SOMETIMES VITAL.

One last plug to America in general:

I really believe that if you could do just these three simple things, AMAZING changes would start to happen in our health. It wouldn't solve all the health problems, but it would be a really great way to BEGIN.:)

1.Before you eat anything else for lunch or dinner, eat a big plateful of salad full of lots of greens and other colorful veggies. THEN eat whatever else is for dinner or lunch. That's pretty dang simple right?:)

2.Get out and move everyday.  Walking is all it takes really!  Start small and add a block or two when you can. Walking is SO THERAPEUTIC!!!  It gets bad lymph and yuck going out of your body, it improves circulation, AND it is pretty easy on the body(athletic wise).  Wear good shoes when you start really going for it. I am telling you, last summer when I was walking a few hours a day(you don't have to be crazy like that, I was working on losing weight and I really just love to walk.;), I bought some gel inserts for my shoes and they were MIRACULOUS. Walking is also a great time to meditate and get some emotional stress out of your body as well as the physical stress.  I really feel stress is one of the leading causes of almost all disease.  We need to get that emotional yuck out of our systems!!!

3.Drink water. Half your body weight in ounces is the current recommendation, but dude, if you are new to drinking lots of water, work up to it.:)

Those are pretty easy things to do right?:)

OK, end of soap box speech.  I really am still in the middle phases of health change in our family.  It is a huge change going from corn dogs and ramen three times a day to applying whole foods principles on a daily basis.  Progress is happening , but it is hard and slow.:) But I am gonna keep at it!

Hope your Wednesday is lovely! I am going to be working on getting ready for this baby to come!

And in case you are wondering, MY health goals for today are:

1.Take all my herbs
2.Get AT LEAST one great, huge serving of green veggies in my body today.
3.Drink three quarts of water(one quart may be red rasp leaf tea)
4.Make sure my kids get some veggies in their bodies today.:)
5. Walk up to campus for my daily, Heidi Rose this could be our night! walk.:)

So simple, but hard to accomplish on some days. I get you America and I am right there with you trying my best.:) 

What ended up happening yesterday and why I should have just trusted in the Lord from the beginning.:)

I think I say "feelings" about a million times in this post. Good gravy.:)

So yesterday was pretty disquieting in our home. Basically a million things were going all wrong and Clair was stressed beyond the max.

ALSO, as I have mentioned before, at this point in my pregnancies I go through a sort of emotional climax/purge type thing.  This requires the emotions to actually COME OUT.  VERY difficult for me.  I have definitely been the type to hold in things until they burst, my whole life.  Dealing with feelings that aren't happy just doesn't feel very good.  And in my life there has been way too many negative feelings to deal with.

ANYWAYS, so yesterday totally stunk.

Rewind to Sunday night.
I had a blessing where I was promised that the Lord would super be with me the next day and that I would find healing in strange places.

So Yesterday(Monday), whilst going through all these super stressful and hard things I kept thinking about my blessing, and how the heck was it applying itself?

I remember at one point of the day I was just really feeling like if I could just cry really hard then I would feel SO MUCH BETTER.  I was also feeling a whole bunch of feelings about whether or not I was feeling emotionally ready to have this baby.  My labors stall really easy or just don't start until I am at a certain readiness point. Not everyone is like that, but I for sure am.  Alice's labor is a really good example of that. Her labor kept stalling and stalling and stalling, and finally I had a seriously good cry and talk with my doula and BJ was finally free from the kids and was able to be by my side permanantly for the rest of the labor, and then it was active labor from there! It was amazing!

Anyways, yesterday I was feeling that a lot of this stress and some fears I was having about everything was holding back the process of this baby coming.  I really just needed to cry good and hard and let it all out. But I hate crying! And I just couldn't do it.

And then the day just kept getting worse and worse and WORSE.

UNTIL I FINALLY CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED.

And after I was done crying my blessing came back to me and it all of a sudden hit me.

The two things that stuck out to me in my blessing:
1.Heavenly Father was going to be close to me all day.
2.I would find healing in strange places.

Well, I was FOR SURE thinking about Heavenly Father all day.  Sometimes in a, "Where are you?" way, but definitely thinking about Him.  I prayed a ton yesterday, with great effort on sincerity.  I also put in some churchy music at one point to help me calm the crazy down. I really felt yesterday that ME thinking about HIM was going to be a huge part of feeling He was close. I can't explain that perfectly well.:)

And HE WAS THERE.  Right by me, all day.  Even when I was having a hard time feeling it.
And I super know He was there because of the second thing in the blessing.

I felt so sick and crazy all day yesterday.  My anxiety just kept mounting and mounting and mounting. I was literally shaking at one point I was so stressed out.  And then I cried. And I felt millions better, and so relieved. (My Saint Bernhard also made some really important calls that miraculously made some progress with some of the stresses<----this also helped a lot!:). But the crying was the really big key.  <----healing. And the only way I was going to be able to cry yesterday was by the day getting more and more lame apparently.<-----healing in strange places.

SO, this is what I learned from yesterday:

-It is so much better to trust in the Lord than to get angry and eat ice cream for lunch(I tried those too, it made me feel SO SICK. BAD CHOICE. At least for me.:))

-Sometimes I get really frustrated that so many people seem to get so much relief from junk food and swearing when they are upset, and I just feel like crap when I try those things.  Not even in a guilty way, just in a really, that made me feel worse way.  Maybe I am swearing wrong?;)

-Trusting in Heavenly Father was super hard.  Especially because I could not see how His way was going to work. But it was the ONLY way the day was able to get better, and let me progress. By the end of yesterday I felt a million better. There were so many blessings at the end of yesterday.  People were prompted to say certain things to me, or do some service that I didn't know we needed.  I know that these are all huge blessings inspired by heaven.  I am so grateful to be surrounded right now by people who pray to be inspired, and who follow those promptings once they receive them. 

-I have been super struggling with the end of this pregnancy and being ok with it ending. Because of how the Lord worked my day I was able to finally feel totally ok with this baby coming.  I even walked all the way up to campus last night to see if we could have a Pioneer Day baby today.;)  The entire walk I felt so much peace and gratitude.  After such a crazy horrible day how was that possible?!?  It was possible because Heavenly Father is real and smarter than me.  He knew exactly what I needed, and helped me even when I couldn't see the way and had basically no hope or faith left in me to get through these stressful things.

So my children are starting to climb and grab and need at this very second, so I can't really keep concentrating on writing, but I really wanted to record this experience for me.  This has been a milestone in this pregnancy for me, and I feel really grateful.  Yesterday was so hard. SO HARD, but I got through it.  Heavenly Father had a plan for yesterday all along.  I just needed to trust in Him.:)

Happy Pioneer Day!!! Or Happy Tuesday to everyone outside of Utah!:)

QUESTION: Have you ever had an experience where you had an answer to prayer or a blessing where you were like, "How the crazy is that going to work, or solve the problem?!"  And then it was just exactly what you needed?:)

BONUS POST: BASICALLY I HATE EVERYTHING. True Story.

So basically I hate everything.

Denny pooped ALL OVER.  The poor thing had diarrhea.  I mean I feel for him.
BUT IT GOT EVERYWHERE.
Not really the kind of thing you can ignore.
Even if you are totally pregnant to the max.
It was in SPLATTERS ALL THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM.

It got on my foot.
Do you even know how hard it is to clean your foot when you are this pregnant, let alone see it to make sure it is all the way clean?!

Then the mail came.
Usually a felicitous event in my home.

TWO LETTERS.

One from the government saying why don't we have car insurance(which we do you stupid bureaucratic idiots)? And now we are revoking your registration, don't drive today.
Ummmm, I have places to go you stupid idiots. Or do you want to revoke this pregnancy as well.
Idiots.
Stupid stupids.

The second letter was from our eye doctor saying we still owe them a large quantity of dollars that insurance was supposed to cover.  That insurance promised to cover.  And now insurance is changing their story.  Do you have an extra amount of money for stupid people? I know I don't.

I AM BITTER.
I AM FRUSTRATED.
I AM SO FREAKING TIRED OF THINGS NOT WORKING OUT.
I AM DONE.

I want to be like everyone else in this world and complain.
I want to be narky and frustrated like everyone else would be.

But it just makes me feel worse.

SO FRUSTRATED. For a million reasons.

Like I said. 

Basically, I HATE EVERYTHING.

less-winded but not by much....:)

Basically my brain is mushier and mushier everyday, so the rest of these pregnancy posts are probably going to be more journal-y than thought provoking.....

The less-winded versions of how Clair is doing:

She is uncomfortable....TO THE MAX.

She is both ready and unready to have this baby.

Every night lately has ended in me being stressed to the max. TO THE MAX.
(This is very typical of Clair at the end of her pregnancies, a kind of emotional purge leading up to the birth.  Typical, but lame.)

I am done with projects....but I wish I wasn't.  Denny still has a few things he really wants for his birthday that are only going to happen if I make them at this point.  WE ARE BROKE.

Money is so tight, but I have to remember that it is a different tight than before. 
Before, we were hardly surviving where money was concerned.
Now we are beginning to thrive, but we still don't have any extra money.
BUT THE POINT IS THAT WE ARE THRIVING.

Birth is an intense experience no matter how you go about it(epidural, natural, etc...).
Some moments I am SO READY(thinking about cuddling baby makes me feel ready for sure!).
Most moments I feel too tired to be ready.:)

Some days I feel SO TODAY IS THE DAY!
Downstairs pressure, aches, pains, cold and hot sweats, etc.!!

Some days I FEEL NOTHING.
THIS PREGNANCY COULD GO ON AT LEAST FOR THREE OR FOUR MORE WEEKS!!

I wish the rest of the pictures in my house were on the walls.

I feel so grateful that the house is as ready as it is.

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR FRIENDS.

I had two friends answer my prayers the other days, and they were MIRACLES in my life.

I want to go on vacation.

I am SO TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO PLAY WITH MY KIDS.
SO TIRED OF IT.

I wish BJ was home everyday.  Life is better with him around. (LIKE BY INFINITY)(<--TO THE MAX!)

I am so excited to get this baby out so I can get my body back in condition.

I am so excited to home school my kids this Autumn. SO EXCITED!!!

I am so excited for me to go back to school this January. SO EXCITED!!!

I am tired.

I REALLY don't want to drive all the way up to Lehi to pick up BJ and then to Pleasant Grove for my midwife appointment today. IT IS SO FLAMIN' HOTTTTT!!!!!

I am grateful for friends lately who have been talking about being grateful.
I am grateful for blessings and prayer.

I am grateful for BJ.

The other night BJ had to run to the store.
The kids were in their room "trying" to go to sleep.
I was basically passed out on my bed.
Alice started to cry because she was afraid of "bad guy dreams".
Denny and Jane IMMEDIATELY both told her that they would protect her and be with her and sing her songs and tell her stories until she fell asleep.
I HAVE SUCH AMAZING CHILDREN.
I AM SOOOOO BLESSED!!!:)

I value the ability to be of service to people.
\
I have a serious love for the lace curtains on my bedroom windows.:)

This has been very rambly, and very therapeutic.
Thank you.:)

QUESTION: WHAT IS ON YOUR MIND TODAY? If you could do ANYTHING today, what would you do?  I think I would have a baby.;)

Family Flowers:)

My body is so funky feeling today, and my brain is having the hardest time thinking things through in a clear way, but I am just so full of these thoughts I just got to get out.  This post is maybe a bit more journal-y than interesting to anyone reading it.  I just really wanted to write down the thoughts of today.:)

Here goes:

Ever since I can remember I have always loved flowers. LIKE TO THE MAX.  I had a garden, a real veggie and flower garden of my own, that I initiated myself, and begged to have at a very young age.  I remember ordering seed and plant catalogs when I was 12.:) In fact there is a ginormous butterfly bush that I ordered from a catalog all by myself(I don't think I asked permission), and planted at my Mum's house...:)

A few months ago I was reading a Better Homes and Gardens magazine and realized that all my life I thought I loved looking at the decorated rooms for the furniture, or architecture, but when I really looked at the pictures of rooms that I loved IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE FLOWERS AND PLANTS!!:)

When Jane was born I was SO NOT DOING THE PINK THING.  I was all about the pale yellow and pale green.  AND THEN SHE WAS BORN and she was SOOOOO PINK!  SO pink and white and she just looked amazing in pink....so I gave into it.:)

Jane just had the most beautiful skin. It was so white and pink. SO WHITE AND PINK.  Just like a rose. JUST LIKE A ROSE. And right then and there our family bouquet started to form.

I guess it started even a bit before that.

BJ once brought me 5 dozen daisies across state borders when he visited me once because he remembered that five was my favoritest number ever, and daisies were my most favorite flowers.  That makes 60 daisies, and it kind of became a symbol in our relationship.  When he gave me those flowers I felt so surely in my heart that if it was up to me, this was the guy I wanted to spend eternity with.:) (AND I AM!!!:)

So, daisies are our "family flower", and Jane is our pale pink/white rose.:)  Denny is a boy, but even then his flower was SO EASY to pick. From the very moment, INSTANT, he was born he was my Sonshine.  My absolute Golden Son, and his flower is the sunflower.  He is so radiant and manly and strong.  He is a powerful spirit in our family and so protective and wonderful.  Just like the tallest sunflowers.:) He is going to be a beacon in his life of awesome things.:)

Alice was really easy as well.  When she was born she just embodied the most deep, velvety red rose. 
She was such a soft and velvety tiny baby.  And so rosy.  In fact, we called her our rosy posy baby for a long time.:)

Our newest little darling baby is an EASY pick for flower.  I mean, she is Heidi ROSALIND, our darling Heidi Rose, our Baby Rose.:)  I haven't seen her yet, but I think this is going to be her family flower:

That is just exactly how her spirit feels so far.  So pink and darling and here I am!!:)

If BJ had a flower, I always picture blue bachelors buttons. Something old fashioned and classic and that could fit in a button hole on his vest or jacket.;)

And as for me, golly, what flower would I be?  An old fashioned pinky peachy rose?  A yellow rose?  I love ranunculas and dahlias A MILLION. Someday I am going to sell dahlias at a farmers market.:)  Some old fashoined, feminine type flower, that is for sure.:)

Anyways, I think our family bouquet ROCKS. Someday, when our family is finished, I want to get our family bouquet painted. :)  It is kind of funny that we have a family bouquet, but there it is.:)  If I had a million dollars(or really probably about 30) I would request this bouquet every time I had a baby.  That would be MY BIRTHday present of choice.:) (We give everyone BIRTHday presents in our family when the baby comes:).

Today was spent buying last minute things, BIRTHday presents(hence it being on my mind), and plain getting last minute things DONE.

My body is tired to the max, and starting to act funny.  This is always such a weird stage because my body is starting to show some of the signs of getting ready for birth, but dude, it could go on for weeks for all I know.:)  Today I have been super achy and emotional and lots of pressure building.  But seriously, it COULD be several more weeks.

Anyways, I hope YOUR weekend is full of lovely times!  I am getting so excited about our family and our family's plans for the future, and how it is growing!  I love my little growing clan so millions.:)

Happy Saturday!

QUESTION: So what flower would YOU be?  What flower would YOU pick for a Clair?:)