NO time for editing, just wanted to get my thoughts down today.
I worked harder on my French homework this week, then EVER.
I knew this test was coming, and wanted to just kick its trash.
This morning I took a shower and got straight to work.
Studied SO HARD.
SO HARD>SOOOOOO HAARRDDDD.
Got dropped off for my test.
My last test took 50 minutes.
This one took over 2 hours...and I still wasn't really done.
Hadn't checked my answers either.
So much I just didn't remember.:/
Stupid "une commode" especially.
Feeling so depressed.
Forgot my phone so I had to speed walk home to get ready for the next thing on the list.
The 100 year b-day party for the ward that I volunteered to help out with.
NO TIME TO GET READY.
Bj is home with kids.
Let's not think about how he was awesome for taking care of so many things today, because he probably does not have the kids ready for the party. They probably haven't eaten dinner. There is PROBABLY utter chaos. And I have so many things to do to get ready, and no time!
I totally am not wanting to sing at the party.
I really just want to cry and hide under my covers...for like a week.
SO STRESSED OUT!!!
<LIGHT BULB----->Studying for this test was hard.
Taking the test was hard...especially cause it felt so awful not knowing near as much as my hard work should have shown. Seemingly wasted effort IS SO LAME.
BUT even harder than all that is me having to have a hard, stressed out moment and coming out of it so the evening can progress and be OK. <-----I need to learn how to do this MORE THAN I need to learn French. Usually when I have a hard experience it ruins AT LEAST the rest of the day. I just can't seem to get over the funk. But today I made it work(with the help of HEAVEN AND BJ:).
So, perhaps poorly explained, today I learned again that failure is VITAL to this earth experience. It would have been SO AWESOME to ace the test, and to have a smoothly run evening. SO AWESOME. SO.FREAKING.AWESOME. BUT!!!! It was way awesomer to have a super SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER lame horrible HORRIBLE early evening that made me stretch my character and grow. It made me lean on the spirit and make myself change and hope and know that the effort I put forth DOES make a difference. I can make change in me happen. And it is the hard times where I can do that.
There was a bit of a tantrum, and definitely some tears, and then there was a blessing, and tentative progress. I went to the party. I had immediate follow through with specific things from the blessing BJ gave me. It was AWESOME. And I sang(after breaking down in the practice, which was OK.:), and it wasn't a horrible, insincere thing. I think the frog in my throat actually left a bit even somewhere in the middle of it.
I had friend chats and "I love BJ" moments. (And "he loves me back" moments too.:)
Heavenly Father is the kindest and most knowledgeable father. I am so grateful for the heartache and healing of today.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
A mental jog through ideas about women and herds.:)
This is Clair trying to figure out a part of "forever Clair-le sigh." More of a mental exercise than a "I am super depressed and need to get it out" type post.
It is a well known fact that women run in herds. The most made fun of instance of this is of course the way women go to the bathroom...you know....in groups of twenty or thirty or something.:)
We love to do things together. Girls nights out, girls weekends, trips to the mall, pedicure parties, ALL sorts of parties for that matter. We just love to be together. We rejuvenate each other with our sameness. Our similar trials and tribulations. Struggles with self, children, husbands, birth choices, life choices....We invigorate each other with similar interests: books, tv shows, movies, etc... We create a community through togetherness.
So what do you do when you don't "fit"? When Twilight and vampires fill you with yuck instead of glitter? When popular tv shows make you feel downright grotty? It isn't even that you are being stuck up and not liking them, they just really make you feel yucky to the max. What do you do when you are still having babies, will be until the Millennium probably :), and your friends have moved on to the next phase? Leaving you all alone in babyland, whilst it feels like if you haven't moved into post babies body and home, then you are just super unkept, and must just be masochistic or something. I mean WHY would you choose to be different?
Ah, there's the rub: CHOOSING to be different. I don't know about you, but I get really uncomfortable when I am not myself. Probably because I am not myself. I am not sure who I am. Some Twilight Zone version of myself.
I guess it is a choice wherein I am choosing to be MYSELF, instead of trying to fit in. But I don't see as that helps anything. And would it be anywhere close to right to try and choose to be someone else? Just to fit in? Would I be a better Clair if I liked Twilight, or Modern Family? I ask myself these questions ALL THE TIME. I mean the "you are weird/crazy/etc looks" start to wear after awhile you know? And this new experience of a million 20 somethings doing it all at once whilst wearing their uber cool Stephen Madden boots and skinny jeans is a bit overwhelming at times. I mean, how out of touch with "reality" can I be?!
In my bouts of despair I can only see two options. Be myself, and feel left out, or try to be like others and feel miserable inside. And that is where I get stuck.
It is hard to find the things that we share in common in the face of all the things about us that are different. And yet we are all unique. We all are different shapes and colors and sizes. We all have a different, completely unique purpose in this life. Our backgrounds are different. Our seemingly similar presents are in actuality different. We get up at different times, have different priorities when we look at our day.
Perhaps in our differences we can find sameness. I am a woman. You are a woman. We are different women, but we are both women. I have hopes and dreams. They may be different than your hopes and dreams, but you have them and so do I. I have doubts and fears, maybe not the same as yours, but we both have them. I want to be the best me. This one gets tricky. Does everyone want to be the best "them"? I don't know. I think deep down they do. Why do we settle for less than ourselves? Maybe here the circle comes round again. Sometimes do we not be OURSELVES so that we can "fit in"?
Feeling lonely is THE WORST. It absolutely distracts one from their purpose, and from doing anything good, or from making any kind of progress. It is an overwhelming feeling that debilitates and destroys. We just have such a deep and inherit need to be with the group. I don't think that is a bad thing.
This is rather a depressing post. I honestly don't have any answers to this problem. Though one thought does come to mind.---> One time I asked BJ where he got his confidence(talk about a dude who is different...going to college at 12!) and he said that to have true confidence one must be perfectly honest with oneself and with others...and I would add with God. I think when I worry about this not feeling enough like others, maybe I am not being as true and confident as I could be. AND maybe I am not BUSY ENOUGH DOING GOOD. If I was busy maybe I wouldn't notice the differences so much, having a heart full of charity in a real sense. Whilst actively loving others it is a lot harder to worry about oneself so consciously.(others conscious vs. self conscious :) )
OK, so "others conscious". Mission declared. Hopefully soon it will be mission accomplished.:)
It is a well known fact that women run in herds. The most made fun of instance of this is of course the way women go to the bathroom...you know....in groups of twenty or thirty or something.:)
We love to do things together. Girls nights out, girls weekends, trips to the mall, pedicure parties, ALL sorts of parties for that matter. We just love to be together. We rejuvenate each other with our sameness. Our similar trials and tribulations. Struggles with self, children, husbands, birth choices, life choices....We invigorate each other with similar interests: books, tv shows, movies, etc... We create a community through togetherness.
So what do you do when you don't "fit"? When Twilight and vampires fill you with yuck instead of glitter? When popular tv shows make you feel downright grotty? It isn't even that you are being stuck up and not liking them, they just really make you feel yucky to the max. What do you do when you are still having babies, will be until the Millennium probably :), and your friends have moved on to the next phase? Leaving you all alone in babyland, whilst it feels like if you haven't moved into post babies body and home, then you are just super unkept, and must just be masochistic or something. I mean WHY would you choose to be different?
Ah, there's the rub: CHOOSING to be different. I don't know about you, but I get really uncomfortable when I am not myself. Probably because I am not myself. I am not sure who I am. Some Twilight Zone version of myself.
I guess it is a choice wherein I am choosing to be MYSELF, instead of trying to fit in. But I don't see as that helps anything. And would it be anywhere close to right to try and choose to be someone else? Just to fit in? Would I be a better Clair if I liked Twilight, or Modern Family? I ask myself these questions ALL THE TIME. I mean the "you are weird/crazy/etc looks" start to wear after awhile you know? And this new experience of a million 20 somethings doing it all at once whilst wearing their uber cool Stephen Madden boots and skinny jeans is a bit overwhelming at times. I mean, how out of touch with "reality" can I be?!
In my bouts of despair I can only see two options. Be myself, and feel left out, or try to be like others and feel miserable inside. And that is where I get stuck.
It is hard to find the things that we share in common in the face of all the things about us that are different. And yet we are all unique. We all are different shapes and colors and sizes. We all have a different, completely unique purpose in this life. Our backgrounds are different. Our seemingly similar presents are in actuality different. We get up at different times, have different priorities when we look at our day.
Perhaps in our differences we can find sameness. I am a woman. You are a woman. We are different women, but we are both women. I have hopes and dreams. They may be different than your hopes and dreams, but you have them and so do I. I have doubts and fears, maybe not the same as yours, but we both have them. I want to be the best me. This one gets tricky. Does everyone want to be the best "them"? I don't know. I think deep down they do. Why do we settle for less than ourselves? Maybe here the circle comes round again. Sometimes do we not be OURSELVES so that we can "fit in"?
Feeling lonely is THE WORST. It absolutely distracts one from their purpose, and from doing anything good, or from making any kind of progress. It is an overwhelming feeling that debilitates and destroys. We just have such a deep and inherit need to be with the group. I don't think that is a bad thing.
This is rather a depressing post. I honestly don't have any answers to this problem. Though one thought does come to mind.---> One time I asked BJ where he got his confidence(talk about a dude who is different...going to college at 12!) and he said that to have true confidence one must be perfectly honest with oneself and with others...and I would add with God. I think when I worry about this not feeling enough like others, maybe I am not being as true and confident as I could be. AND maybe I am not BUSY ENOUGH DOING GOOD. If I was busy maybe I wouldn't notice the differences so much, having a heart full of charity in a real sense. Whilst actively loving others it is a lot harder to worry about oneself so consciously.(others conscious vs. self conscious :) )
OK, so "others conscious". Mission declared. Hopefully soon it will be mission accomplished.:)
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