The Long, Lost Tale of Derwyndell-for BJ

***This was for an assignment for my Brit Lit class.  We had to copy a genre style that we were studying.  If you want to catch all the subtle Medieval nuances go find the tale of Pwyll on the internet.<---super easy to do.:)  BJ says my wee tale is fine on its own two feet...if you don't mind a bit of weird and unexplained(<---seriously, go look up Pwyll.:). Also as a last note, this tale has found a tender part of my heart so be kind in your comments.  I know that I am not a professional writer by ANY MEANS.

The Long, Lost Tale of Derwyndell
by Clair 

Once upon a time there lived a noble man by the name of Derwyndell.  He was the kindest man in the land, but he was very unhappy.  He had no need of being unhappy for indeed he was blessed with a strong back, and through his hard labors he had built himself up a little piece of land.  By making friends with his neighbor, he had also found in his neighbor’s daughter, a strong, fine country maiden to be his wife.   For a wedding present he had been given one fine cow, and by hard work in the fields had been able to barter some grain for two little, brown milking goats.  He had made his way in the world quite profitably, and yet Derwyndell was unhappy with his lot in life. 

There was another man in the land called Brudwyll. He was a great man who owned vast lands.  Derwyndell saw Brudwell and all the many servants and friends who surrounded him and helped him be happy.  Brudwell had a beautiful wife who was known throughout all the lands round about as the most lovely, most courteous, most devoted woman to her husband.  Brudwell owned one hundred horses of the shiniest black, he owned numerous cows, chickens, and pigs of all varieties. His castle was strong and ready for battle against the enemy and grand enough for rooming all his friends at a feast.  To Derwyndell he was the happiest and most blessed man he could think of.

One day Derwyndell was out, as usual, working hard in the fields when he thought he saw his two goats out of their pen walking toward the woods.  Alarmed at watching what little wealth he had walking away, he ran toward them to try and catch them.  Deeper and deeper into the forest he ran.  Soon he saw that the night was growing dim and the woods were growing darker.  With only the thought of his two precious milking goats Derwyndell ran on.  For two little goats they seemed to not ever tire of running.  On and on they ran.  Soon the light began to grow bright again and Derwyndell left one moment for thinking how strange that was. He ran on.  Ahead he saw a fork in the road.  Derwyndell began to panic as he picked up speed to catch the naughty goats before they each took a different fork.  With one mighty leap, using every last ounce of stretngth he had left from running for hours and hours,  Derwyndell stretched out his arms to the farthest they could go and missed the goats by a mere wit. Devastated, Derwyndell saw them each take a different fork in the road and he ran after the fattest and hopefully the slowest. 

            With more determination than ever and with despair in his heart over the loss of at least one goat, he ran on.  While running with the strength of a lost man, his head began to be filled with thoughts of all that he had never had in his life up to this point.  The lands he was not born with, and the horses and servants.  His time was not even his own as he had to work day and night to keep his meager life going, especially with the added weight of taking care of a wife.  Tears began to glisten in his eyes as he ran and ran. 

            If Derwyndell had been paying attention to more than his thoughts he would have noticed that the goat was now nowhere to be seen.  He would have also noticed how the leaves on the tree were so green one might call them blue.  In fact they were blue.  Blue and velvety soft.  The branches and trunks were so white they were almost silvery in the moonlight. All was quiet, except for the panting of Derwyndell and the silent sobs that broke out when he could take it no more and fell to the earth.

            When Derwyndell’s sobs quieted to hollow breathing he finally looked up and realized he was sitting in a clearing bright with moonbeams.  At first he thought he was alone.  He could hear nothing but the wind.  Then he listened deeper and noticed that birdsong was beginning to reach the meadow.  He looked in front of him and saw his two goats walking toward him.  Mesmerized by his good fortune, Derwyndell did not move. Then he noticed that behind the goats was a man.  A mighty man who seemed to glow.  His beard was a rich brown and full and long.  His Robes were also a rich brown and flowing about him in many layers.  The embroidery upon his mantel was the most delicate and exquisite that Derwyndell had ever before seen.  Even Brudwyll could not boast of such accouterments as these.  The man held a long staff before him and as he approached, Derwyndell thought he had never seen a man so mighty, so prosperous, and so wise looking as this man. 

            The goats came to a stop beside Derwyndell and then the man came to a stop and looked at Derwyndell with piercing eyes.

            “Why hast thou come to this wood?” His deep voiced boomed as quietly as a tree falling in a distant wood. 

            “My goats ran into the forest and I hastened to catch them.”

            “Are they so precious that thou couldst not replace them with other goats?”

            “My lord, I am but a humble man, and must work very hard to have just these goats. They are precious to me.”

            “Is thy work so very difficult and wearisome?  What good do these goats bring to thy house?”

            “My good lord, they bring extra milk which I can sell to my neighbors.”

            “Dost not thy cow give thee enough milk?  Why work so hard to improve thy lot by so little?”

            “Faith, I am not content with what I have, and I desire the good things in life that every man should have.”

            “Truth thou sayest.” Though the lord did not clarify his meaning, and Derwyndell came away with quite the wrong one.

            The great lord continued, “Derwyndell, for I do know thy name, thou hast come into the forest looking for two brown goats.  Thou hast been discontent with thy lot in life.  I shall now show thee the way to what thy heart seeks.  If I show thee how to do that wilt thou be content with what thou shalt receive?”

            “If my lord canst show me the way to my heart’s desire, I shall indeed be content when it has been fulfilled.”

            “Thou sayest well, Derwyndell.  In a year and a day meet me again here in this clearing. “

            “How shall I find my way?”

            “In a year and a day thou shalt let thy goats loose into the woods.  Follow them and they shall lead thee to this clearing where I shall meet thee with due instruction. Do not ever kill these two goats, or thy doom shall be sealed.  Should they become sick thou must nurse them to health with every breath of thy body. ”

            “I shall meet my lord in a year and a day in this clearing.”

            Derwyndell knelt down to seal his vow, and when he looked up the mighty lord was gone.  In amazement Derwyndell pulled a string from his mantel and tied the two goats, one  on each end, and led them home.  The walk was a short one for how much he had run that day.  His wife met him at the door and looked at him with wonder that his face did shine so.  Saying nothing, he penned up the goats and asked for his supper. 

            And so Derwyndell kept his troth for a year and a day.  In the meantime his wife had given birth to a child, a young son.  Derwyndell was pleased to have a son to take on his name when he would someday leave the earth.  The neighbors all rejoiced and the wife was enormously pleased.

One night the baby was very sick. Derwyndell’s wife neglected everything in the home to look after the wee son.  Derwyndell looked on with worry as well, as the child got sicker and sicker.  He went out to the animal shed to check on the animals to help him take his mind off his worry.  With alarm ever rising, Derwyndell realized that his goats were lying prostrate on the ground, shaking all their limbs in a fever.  All thoughts of his son left him as he thought of what might be lost if the goats died.  The son reached a crisis point and the wife called for her husband to come back into the house, but he would not leave the goats. 

By the morrow, the son’s illness had passed and he was out of danger.  The goats too had made it through the evening and were on the mend.  The wife could not believe that her husband had not helped her in her vigil with their only son.  Derwyndell said nothing, feeling that his choices had been merited by all they would soon have with the great man’s aid.

The son grew strong that first year and amazed all the neighbors with words uttered profound for such a small lad.  Derwyndell worked hard, and while he loved his son, he had a hard time thinking much on him as he worked day and night to make better their lives.

When the time came for Derwyndell to go into the wood he led the goats to the forest edge and followed them in.  Soon the goats picked up their speed, though they seemed to go no faster.  Derwyndell began to run and run.  He ran until his lungs burned and his feet blistered.  His hair streamed with sweat, and his mouth ran dry. When he could go no further he fell to the ground feeling his doom upon him as the goats ran ahead and were gone.

When Derwyndell opened his eyes he noticed the leaves above him were so green that they seemed to be blue.  They were blue, and so velvety soft.  Their branches shone in the moonlight like silver.  A light from the south finally distracted him and he looked over his shoulder into a clearing.  With energy afresh he leaped up and into the clearing.  Sure enough, there were his two goats and the man.

“By my faith good lord, I thought I had failed you.”

“Derwyndell, thou hast found me again in the forest.  How hast thy year gone?”

“I kept the goats well my lord, and have worked as hard as ever so as to be worthy of this great gift of your wisdom.”

“Hast nothing else occurred of importance this last year?”

“By my faith lord, I cannot think of anything else. The goats were very ill one evening, but I kept my vigil. I am ready to begin to learn how to make my life better so I may be content.”

With a hint of sorrow in the great man’s deep, brown eyes, he took a deep breath and said, “Derwyndell there are 100 lessons thou must learn to gain all that thou desirest. Every year a day from now thou shalt meet me here and learn one lesson to master in the next year and a day.”

With despair pouring from every fiber of Derwyndell, he swallowed deeply, and with drawn limbs whispered, “But my lord, I am already in my thirtieth year.  How shall I learn all these lessons?  Surely I will die before I do.”

“I shall grant thee a special gift to aid thee Derwyndell.  I shall make it so that as long as thou keepest these goats alive thou shalt live forever.  Thou shalt never grow one bit greyer or leaner.  Thou shalt live as the Gods and learn and gain all that thou desirest.”

“My lord!  How wondrous!”

The great man went on to tell Derwyndell his first lesson. At the end of the hour Derwyndell knew it by heart, and they left vowing to meet again in a year and a day. Through the whole journey back home, Derwyndell marveled at his great fortune.

The year passed and Derwyndell’s coins began to increase.  The neighbors marveled and whispered their thoughts. They had no idea how Derwyndell could gain such wealth.  Was he not but a poor man?  He had no wealthy relatives.  Had he met someone who had been a benefactor?  Had he perchance saved someone in the wood and had been greatly rewarded?  Their thoughts also turned darkly.  Had Derwyndell killed a man for his gold?  Were his dealings not so honest as they had aforethought?

Derwyndell’s wealth grew and grew.  He spent many evenings digging in his field.  The neighbors thought he was planting seeds, and thought, “How superstitious our friend Derwyndell is growing, to plant by the light of the moon.”  Derwyndell was not planting seeds, though; he was burying his great wealth.  He thought of very little that year except for his gold coins and silver, and his goats.  He thought, “What a wonderful man am I.  How happy my family must be when I bring home so much wealth.” His wife at first marveled, and then worried.  Derwyndell no longer came in to sleep with the family every night.  Perhaps once a month she could convince him to leave his field-wandering vigil for one night and spend some time at home.  Surely, with so much gold and silver they could enjoy more time in each other’s company.  And every man needs his sleep at night, or else he will fall ill.  But Derwyndell did not fall ill.  In fact he grew mysteriously strong.  His son was also growing, though not too much in stature as he was still quite young.  In words, though, he was increasing daily.  His father could neither read nor write, nor could his mother, but the son could do both without being taught.  He could also sing, and often sat at his mother’s knee singing beautiful songs that made the birds want to join, as they often did.

At the end of the year and a day Derwyndell left for the woods with his goats.  He was strong and had a purpose about him that the neighbors noticed as he walked past and into the woods. 

Again Derwyndell chased his goats, this time he was a little less exhausted.  He had prepared a bit more.  Indeed he had spent a year and a day thinking of this day and preparing for it.  He had his wife make for him shoes that had double soles of thick leather.  He had his wife make him clothes that were light and airy so as not to impede his swift journey.  Still there came a point where the goats, untiring in their speed, left Derwyndell behind, panting in their dust trails.

He gasped for air, and finally when he could look about him without sweat pouring into his eyes he saw the leaves and the bark of the trees around him and quickly scanned for the clearing that he knew was near. The goats and the great man were waiting.

“Good morrow Derwyndell, how hast thy year been with thy family?”

“By my faith great lord, we have buried enough gold and silver to build an entire castle out of just those two things, with rooms enough to hold all the great lords of the land.”

“Indeed Derwyndell?  And no other wondrous things have been happening in thy life this last year?”

“I cannot think of anything my lord.”

With a breath of sadness lingering in those deep, dark brown eyes, the great man taught Derwyndell the second lesson.  As the birds ended their nightsong the two men parted with a vow to meet in a year and a day.

The next year passed swiftly with many goings on.  Derwyndell’s fame and fortune had spread to the great lords of the land and he began to be invited to hunts and gatherings.  He spent almost all his time up at the Lord Brudwyll’s castle.  Now having several times met the Brown Lord in the wood, Derwyndell looked on at Lord Brudwell, and thought what a less significant man he actually was.  He really was nothing much special. 

Derwyndell had kept his youthful good looks, in fact he had largely improved them since he had begun meeting in the wood with the Brown Lord.  Everyone marveled at his manly body.  Derwyndell’s head began to swell with the good views of everyone around him.  Indeed, not everyone, as all his neighbors whom he had known for years and decades had begun to mistrust him.  He never helped out on the farms as he used to.  He left his wife and growing son alone for days and nights on end.  The only thing he seemed to care about was the gold he had, his new friends in court and his goats.  Indeed, the neighbors had begun to talk about the mystique surrounding Derwyndell and his two goats.  He was never without them, and even on a hunt would carry them with him on his horse in a strangely fashioned contraption.  The ladies of the court thought Derwyndell vastly amusing, and so different than their own Lords.  His wife worried.

His son looked on and seemed to understand something that Derwyndell did not.  His speech and song continued to grow and even though the neighbors and his mother thought him of great mind and soul, Derwyndell did not take more than a moment’s notice.

The years went on and Derwyndell continued to care for his goats and make his vigil to the forest.  He did not grow older, though his family did.  After he made his name known in court he dug up his gold and built the most amazing and beautiful castle ever known to man. It was the strongest, most fortified castle anyone had ever seen.  There was a large room in the middle for gatherings and festivals and feasts, but no extra chambers, except those for his small family, to hold any guests over night.  Derwyndell had grown in fame, but had lost most of his friends and really did not care to have friends anyways, since having people think well of him in a public way was more important than people thinking he was wonderful outside of fame and fortune.

His wife grew old, as did his son.  His son grew strong and handsome.  He could read and write and wrote many important books for his time on kindness and hard work.  Those who knew him and his father marveled how such a son could be.  His mother looked on with pride and sadness.  He was her only son, an amazing son, but her only joy.  Derwyndell did not understand his wife.  He could not see how she could be so unhappy with all they had.  Had he not done and gained almost everything they could wish for?

The years passed, and on the 50^th meeting of the great man and Derwyndell, the great man querried, “Derwyndell, thou art getting close to knowing all that I know.  Thou hast amassed a great deal of wealth and property.  Art thou any closer to finding contentment?”

“Indeed lord, I have amassed much of what my heart desired.  There is still more to learn, though, and I vow to learn it.”

The great man stood taller, and asked, “Derwyndell, hath anything besides thy wealth and property grown in the last year?”

Derwyndell looked puzzled.  He had lost the power to think of anything besides his wealth and goats. He thought of his castle and servants.  He thought of his 5oo horses, 1000 cows, 2000 goats, 1500 chickens, 3500 pigs.  He thought of his silks, and linens.  He thought of how many people respected him as a great lord of the land.  He thought of the fleets of ships he had commissioned to build, and the journeys across the many waters he was to take in the following years.  Short trips of course, so that he could come back to the woods in due time for this annual meeting.  Indeed all his plans usually worked around this annual meeting. 

“If anything lord, the only other thing that has grown is my discontent.  By gaining more wealth and knowing more people I am learning how much more there is in the world, and I want to know it all.”

The great man drew his sword and chopped a tree down.

“Derwyndell I shall tell thee a great secret. Thou hast more in thy castle than thou art aware.  The next lesson is to find that which thou hast not known that has been there always.”

Perplexed Derwyndell made his annual vow to return in a year and a day. The next year he made a list of all that was in the castle:  every shoelace, every bonnet.  It took a year exactly to get it all down.  At the end of the year he looked in despair at his list.  He had every servant look at the list and confirm that there was nothing he did not know was there a year ago.  Not a mouse had been found, not a piece of lint over a week old.  In deeper despair and without much explanation, he took the list to his wife who had been taught to read by her son.   She looked up from her bedclothes.  She was quite old by now, almost 80 by the sun’s rising and setting.  She called for extra candles to be lit and the curtains flung open so that she could see the carefully scribed lists better.  She went over every item, not understanding why her husband was in such despair to find some thing he did not know they had.  Finally she asked him what she had been longing to ask for their entire marriage. She had been meek and trusting, though she had seen such a change in the man she had married.  So long ago he had been hard working and honest.  They were poor, but she thought they had been happy and that the future had seemed bright.  Now he was still hard working, but never home.  Their family had been an estranged one, with hardly any spoken word between them.  She had been faithful, as had he, but only in the sense that he had no other love but fame and fortune and the two little brown goats.  How those goats could have lived so long, she did not know. 

With a quiet voice she asked, “Why is this so important husband? Why art thou so despairing to find something lost when thou hast so many other things.  Indeed thou hast enough things to fill five volumes of books.  Thou hast servants, and vassals, and this castle made of gold and silver.  Thou hast horses, and animals enough to serve several villages.  Thou hast a wife who has been faithful and a son who is intelligent and is wondrous in thought and deed. What more couldst thou desire?  Why canst thou not be content?”

Derwyndell told his wife the tale he had never told her.  He had never thought to tell her before. Indeed Derwyndell had never thought of many important things outside his desire for contentment, which is why he never found it.  After speaking to his wife he went to bed.  He woke up the next day and followed his goats into the woods.  His neighbors, long dead, watched from Aryndell.  His wife, back in the castle, called for her clothes and a horse.

She was carefully clothed in purest silver garments.  They hung about her form like weeping willow.  Her hair was plaited in a circlet-like crown most glorious. Her bright blue eyes shone deep with clarity and purpose.  She seemed to transform in front of her servants eyes into the most wise and virtuous woman they had ever laid eyes on.

She mounted her steed with strength.  She calmly set out, though the horse swiftly moved with hoof-sounds of rain and thunder. She passed Derwyndell in the wood, and he marveled at such a grand lady alone in the forest.  He had no thought that his wife was the lady clad in silver, like a white queen shining in the sunshine, though he thought, “Moonlight would become her best.”

When at last exhausted and despairing he fell into the clearing, he saw the maiden.  Or he saw the light around what he thought was a maiden and her steed, so bright was she shining.  He shielded his eyes and tried to speak but the light impeded his words. 

They waited.

The light continued to blaze.

The shadows around him grew as the sun began to set.

Stars arose slowly one by one.

All was quiet and still in the forest.

The moon rose as big as the known world and milky white with the most brilliant moonshine.

The lady’s brilliance seemed to grow brighter and softer at the same time.

As Derwyndell tried to see without becoming blind, he noticed a hand touch his shoulder.  He turned around and saw the Brown Lord.  As the Brilliant Lady was now behind him all her light shone on the Brown Lord and he was also brilliant.  He was still clothed all in Brown, but in the Lady’s light they also had a white look about them.  They were both brown and white at the same time.

“Derwyndell, didst thou find what thou hadst and did not know?”

“No lord, I have indeed failed in that quest though I took great pains to mark down every tiny and great thing I owned.”

The lady moved behind Derwyndell and a million doves flew from every branch of every tree surrounding the clearing. 

Derwyndell turned and saw his wife, Brethwyllin. She was glorious.  Her virtue was bright, brighter than the sun.  Her beauty shone in a way he had never noticed. He realized in that moment that he had never noticed, for he knew in that moment that she had been that way the whole time.  Inside herself she had been that brilliant, that faithful, that wise, that good, that everything he needed. 

He left the forest.  He went to his castle.  The road was long.  He penned his goats, and began his vigil for the next year and a day.

Years later when he reached his 100^th lesson he was old and young.  His hair was still brown.  His son was now quite old.  Indeed his son was on his deathbed about to die of a long and happy life surrounded by grandchildren and great grandchildren.  The Brown Lord met Derwyndell for the last time.  And when he returned all was gone and forgotten and tarnished and old.  He buried his goats and took up a new pilgrimage for Aryndell.

Super quick post so I don't forget what I learned today.

NO time for editing, just wanted to get my thoughts down today.

I worked harder on my French homework this week, then EVER.
I knew this test was coming, and wanted to just kick its trash.
This morning I took a shower and got straight to work.
Studied SO HARD.
SO HARD>SOOOOOO HAARRDDDD.
Got dropped off for my test.
My last test took 50 minutes.
This one took over 2 hours...and I still wasn't really done.
Hadn't checked my answers either.
So much I just didn't remember.:/
Stupid "une commode" especially.
Feeling so depressed.
Forgot my phone so I had to speed walk home to get ready for the next thing on the list.
The 100 year b-day party for the ward that I volunteered to help out with.
NO TIME TO GET READY.
Bj is home with kids.
Let's not think about how he was awesome for taking care of so many things today, because he probably does not have the kids ready for the party.  They probably haven't eaten dinner.  There is PROBABLY utter chaos.  And I have so many things to do to get ready, and no time!
I totally am not wanting to sing at the party. 
I really just want to cry and hide under my covers...for like a week.
SO STRESSED OUT!!!

<LIGHT BULB----->Studying for this test was hard.
Taking the test was hard...especially cause it felt so awful not knowing near as much as my hard work should have shown. Seemingly wasted effort IS SO LAME. 
BUT even harder than all that is me having to have a hard, stressed out moment and coming out of it so the evening can progress and be OK.  <-----I need to learn how to do this MORE THAN I need to learn French.  Usually when I have a hard experience it ruins AT LEAST the rest of the day.  I just can't seem to get over the funk. But today I made it work(with the help of HEAVEN AND BJ:).

So, perhaps poorly explained, today I learned again that failure is VITAL to this earth experience.  It would have been SO AWESOME to ace the test, and to have a smoothly run evening. SO AWESOME. SO.FREAKING.AWESOME. BUT!!!! It was way awesomer to have a super SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER lame horrible HORRIBLE early evening that made me stretch my character and grow.  It made me lean on the spirit and make myself change and hope and know that the effort I put forth DOES make a difference. I can make change in me happen. And it is the hard times where I can do that.

There was a bit of a tantrum, and definitely some tears, and then there was a blessing, and tentative progress.  I went to the party.  I had immediate follow through with specific things from the blessing BJ gave me.  It was AWESOME. And I sang(after breaking down in the practice, which was OK.:), and it wasn't a horrible, insincere thing.  I think the frog in my throat actually left a bit even somewhere in the middle of it.

I had friend chats and "I love BJ" moments. (And "he loves me back" moments too.:)

Heavenly Father is the kindest and most knowledgeable father.  I am so grateful for the heartache and healing of today.

A mental jog through ideas about women and herds.:)

This is Clair trying to figure out a part of "forever Clair-le sigh." More of a mental exercise than a "I am super depressed and need to get it out" type post.

It is a well known fact that women run in herds.  The most made fun of instance of this is of course the way women go to the bathroom...you know....in groups of twenty or thirty or something.:)

We love to do things together.  Girls nights out, girls weekends, trips to the mall, pedicure parties, ALL sorts of parties for that matter.  We just love to be together.  We rejuvenate each other with our sameness.  Our similar trials and tribulations.  Struggles with self, children, husbands, birth choices, life choices....We invigorate each other with similar interests: books, tv shows, movies, etc... We create a community through togetherness.

So what do you do when you don't "fit"?  When Twilight and vampires fill you with yuck instead of glitter? When popular tv shows make you feel downright grotty? It isn't even that you are being stuck up and not liking them, they just really make you feel yucky to the max.  What do you do when you are still having babies, will be until the Millennium probably :), and your friends have moved on to the next phase? Leaving you all alone in babyland, whilst it feels like if you haven't moved into post babies body and home, then you are just super unkept, and must just be masochistic or something.  I mean WHY would you choose to be different?

Ah, there's the rub: CHOOSING to be different.  I don't know about you, but I get really uncomfortable when I am not myself.  Probably because I am not myself.  I am not sure who I am.  Some Twilight Zone version of myself.

I guess it is a choice wherein I am choosing to be MYSELF, instead of trying to fit in.  But I don't see as that helps anything. And would it be anywhere close to right to try and choose to be someone else?  Just to fit in?  Would I be a better Clair if I liked Twilight, or Modern Family? I ask myself these questions ALL THE TIME. I mean the "you are weird/crazy/etc looks" start to wear after awhile you know? And this new experience of a million 20 somethings doing it all at once whilst wearing their uber cool Stephen Madden boots and skinny jeans is a bit overwhelming at times.  I mean, how out of touch with "reality" can I be?!

In my bouts of despair I can only see two options.  Be myself, and feel left out, or try to be like others and feel miserable inside. And that is where I get stuck.

It is hard to find the things that we share in common in the face of all the things about us that are different. And yet we are all unique. We all are different shapes and colors and sizes.  We all have a different, completely unique purpose in this life.  Our backgrounds are different. Our seemingly similar presents are in actuality different. We get up at different times, have different priorities when we look at our day. 

Perhaps in our differences we can find sameness.  I am a woman.  You are a woman. We are different women, but we are both women.  I have hopes and dreams. They may be different than your hopes and dreams, but you have them and so do I.  I have doubts and fears, maybe not the same as yours, but we both have them.  I want to be the best me.  This one gets tricky.  Does everyone want to be the best "them"?  I don't know. I think deep down they do.  Why do we settle for less than ourselves?  Maybe here the circle comes round again.  Sometimes do we not be OURSELVES so that we can "fit in"? 

Feeling lonely is THE WORST.  It absolutely distracts one from their purpose, and from doing anything good, or from making any kind of progress.  It is an overwhelming feeling that debilitates and destroys.  We just have such a deep and inherit need to be with the group. I don't think that is a bad thing. 

This is rather a depressing post. I honestly don't have any answers to this problem. Though one thought does come to mind.---> One time I asked BJ where he got his confidence(talk about a dude who is different...going to college at 12!) and he said that to have true confidence one must be perfectly honest with oneself and with others...and I would add with God.  I think when I worry about this not feeling enough like others, maybe I am not being as true and confident as I could be.  AND maybe I am not BUSY ENOUGH DOING GOOD.  If I was busy maybe I wouldn't notice the differences so much, having a heart full of charity in a real sense.  Whilst actively loving others it is a lot harder to worry about oneself so consciously.(others conscious vs. self conscious :) )

OK, so "others conscious".  Mission declared.  Hopefully soon it will be mission accomplished.:)

CLAIR!!!!

Today I turn 30! WOOT!  I am SOOOOO excited! And SUPER not in a facecious way.  I really am excited.  My 20's had some stinking hard years in them, and I am ready to celebrate and grow and just have a super awesome new decade begin in my life. Because I have a super Miss Piggy complex I am going to do my favorite thing.-----> Give you a list, based on my age, of things you may or may not know about ME. Starting school this week has completely fried my brains so forgive any weird ramblings or whatever....:)

THIRTY!!!! Things to know about MOI.


1.I want ten kids. Probably more.  I am not a masochist or a martyr.  I just love kids.  I love family.  I think too there is a deeper root there.  A need to make a better, more beautiful childhood for my children than I had.  I had a wonderful family growing up, but there were some serious tradgedies that I hope to "re-do" with my own children.  Plus, BJ and I make the cutest kids ever.  I want to collect them all.;)

2.I have yet to feel like a real adult. I should post about this some other time. Explanation TOO LONG. I think the gist is I see too much what I believe the world considers "adultlike" behavior and likes, and I just do not want to fit THAT category.  I am still too "young" for too many things.:)

3.I feel like crap when people are vulgur or crass around me. For like days sometimes.  I have such an ache for beauty and goodness and light and truth.  I feel SO GOOD and peaceful inside when I am around those things.

4.I want to read Verne in the original French.

5.I AM OBSESSED WITH THE NUMBER FIVE. We have been learning about the golden rectangle in my art class, and I think the number five is the numerical equivelant.  It is so beautiful.  Both round and corner-y.  My balance comes with the number 5.:) (Hence where ten kids came from fyi.  Five for me, five for BJ.  That sounds about right.;)

6. I believe there is good in about 99.99999999... percent of the people on this earth.  More importantly, whatever choices they have made here, they came from heaven originally and that should make a difference in how I treat them.

7.One of my favorite quotes is: Two men walked in the rain. One hated it. One loved it. They both got wet. I think I wrote that quote in every year book I ever signed. Also, I really do ADORE the rain.:)

8.I love talking about the gospel with people. I have a great love for my Savior and for my Heavenly Father. I love the Plan of Salvation, even though it is a tough plan to carry through sometimes.:)

9.I want Babydoll Southdown Sheep someday.

10. You know I consider you my close friend if I have shared BearHaven with you.

11.I have never finished writing down any of the fairytales I have written because I always get distracted by wanting to illustrate all the characters.:)

12.Most of the time I am typing on the computer I have a baby in my arms.

13.I am terrified of my dreams, and the power I sometimes see in myself.

14.I believe that, "we love eachother" is not a good enough reason to get married.

15.I sometimes use my womanly wiles on BJ for my own selfish purposes. <Stretch!>  Oh, I just am so tired.  And hungry....<stretch!> I could really use a sandwhich. <BJ with appreciative eyes>, I would love to go to the four corners of the earth for any sandwhich you desire at this very moment.  I think I will take out the garbage as well. And hold that baby so you can do whatever you want to do.(mission accomplished).

16.I love to create. ANYTHING. Creation is one of the most beautiful virtues we get to experience in this life. And when YOU put light and beauty together. Man, that is divine.

17.I am not always sure if I will like heaven.  I am not so crazy as a masochist, but there is SOMETHING to the struggle that feels so good when it is over.  Heaven doesn't sound like much of a struggle.  It sounds full of learning and work(which I also love), but not so much gardening in a struggly way. ;)

18.I think that when people are starving maybe spending billions of dollars on getting to a super far away planet is totally, completely innapropriete. Hello!

19. I can NOT seem to figure out how to spell "appropriate" or innapropriate". Ohbrother.

20.The first time Jane colored on the wall I thought it was adorable.  I was like, "yeah!  You are a kid!  You color on the wall!  That is what kids do!" After that it was WAY less cute, and then atrocious, as we did not own our home anymore....

21. After I met BJ, when we were 16, he became the measure of "cool" for every boy I met after that.  Can Charles swing dance like Groucho and sing opera?  Does Danny wear awesome wool pants?  Did Mikey gradauate high school at 12?  I didn't think so.  :) I still had crushes on other guys, but BJ was the standard of awesome.  AND I GOT TO MARRY HIM!!!!!:)<--- I think probably every woman should feel this way about her husband.:)

22.I am afraid to go to so many places in the world, but I think if I saw them from the deck of a very large cruise ship I would be less afraid. Especially if I was on a large cruise ship.<---purposeful redundancy.  I love to be on a large cruise ship.:)

23.I want everyone to like me. I make a lot of different choices than other people, and it makes it hard sometimes to feel accepted.  I have a strong belief in stewardship, and in the very realness of answered prayers for your specific mission in life.  Making different choices shouldn't mean not being friends, but in this world it really feels like it is sometimes and it makes me sad.  Can't we disagree and not resort to abuse for those who are not the same as us? Popular opinion is everything nowadays, and I really disagree with A LOT of popular opinion.

24.Gardening makes me SO HAPPY. <---that lovely creating vibe again.:) I want to live in a huge forresty garden that is acres and acres of gorgeousness....minus big, scary, sharp-toothed animals that could eat me.

25.HERBS SAVED MY LIFE. Literally.  I believe in the power of garlic and food and lifestyle choices. It doesn't mean my family is never sick, or only eats sprouts.  It does mean, we try very hard to be better everyday and lots of times we fail and lots of times we succeed.

26.It is on my bucket list to bump into Brad Wilcox somewhere, whilst I live in Provo.  When I hear the song, "Jesus Wants ME For a Sunbeam." I think of Brad Wilcox.:)

27.I have a strong belief in the sacredness of our bodies.  I have had several experiences that have made me come to that feeling.  One was when I had my last daughter.  I was given a blessing, and told that birth is very like unto an ordinance. Our bodies growing from almost nothing, we are so small at first, into a whole baby is a miracle.  And that coming out of our mothers' into this world is just something so sacred and intense and such a vital part of our eternal growth. Being in this world is a sacred, literally once in a lifetime experience.  The second experience I had was after my birth father passed away two summers ago.  I had always thought that once you were dead, you were dead.  Please don't spend a ton of money burying me, I just don't see the point.  My father was creamated.  We had to pick a box to put his body in, to be burned with him.  It was essentially something very disposable(the box). There were many options.  Everything from literally a cardboard box to boxes VERY fancy(basically burnable super fancy coffins).  His body was dead, his spirit was gone, and yet I could not put that body in a cardboard box.  I felt such an overwhelming sacredness for the body that housed my father's spirit on this earth.  It was a feeling I will never forget and something that definitely changed my views on what our bodies really are.  They are sacred vessels of our spirits.  And sometimes they are lame with illness, or lame with fatness, or whatever, but they are still sacred.  And it is part of the reason I can not give into the worldly way of looking at each other.  When I see a baby, I see truth and beauty and sacredness.  A spirit has come into a body and has a whole mission to perform in this life.  It has a million things to learn and discover.  I don't see ugliness. And I have kind of come to a conclusion for myself that it is only worldly thinking that leads to thinking people are ugly, or actual wickedness in the person.  The picture of Dorian Grey is more truthful than the world wants us to believe I suspect.

28.I am absolutely as insecure as I can be about speaking and writing, but I have huge overwhelming waves inside me that burst forth with incredible NEED to express myself and what I am and what I am feeling inside me.  BUT I also feel that with free speech comes a HUGE responsibility to express yourself appropriately, and hopefully I can learn to do that better and better everyday. When we speak in groups and on facebook, we speak to real people, with real feelings, and I think too often we forget in our need to express. Especially when we are in groups of people where many of us feel the same way about people.  Too much inappropriate abuse of the opposite party is happening. Too much, "This is what I feel, I don't care if it hurts anybody."  It does hurt people.  I need to work on it too.

29.I plan on enjoying the rest of my life to the fullest. I LOVE LIFE!!! I plan on enjoying every birthday I have! And I hope when I die, BJ and I just die in each other's arms peacefully. Cause seriously, either of us leaving before the other would be unacceptable!!!(P.S. I heard of a couple who prayed to die in eachothers' arms when they were old, and it happened. I think this is hopeful.:)

30.This year I have many goals.  But my main goal is to kick fear in the face for good*. I am so afraid of so many things and it is just too wearing! Faith not fear.:) Every one of my classes has been helping this goal.  Ballet especially. There are THREE boys in my class(emphasis on BOYS-I am so old;).  NO leg warmers, no hip warmers or skirts.  Just the body in tights basically. OHMYGATOR. Carrots and celery anyone?!
* I do not include my fear of sharks in this goal of no more fear.  Sharks are scary and SHOULD be feared.:)

The end!  If you know me, you know I am windy!  Hopefully that was interesting and not a complete waste of your day!  Love you the most. Thank you for loving me.:)  And enjoy my birthday!!! PLEASE!:)

29.

Introducing General Nutcracker and His Colorful Militia:)

Do you see those ten darling men up there?  They are what I spent the bulk of my Thanksgiving Holiday creating.:) 

To create your own you can get the patterns and instructions here.  AND I believe they are on sale until Monday November 26th if you put the word CRAFTY in the coupon box thingy.:)

ANYWAYS, back to my guys up there.  I had such a blast creating them.  In the pattern they have them all the same color, but I wanted them to kind of match my family room...which is WAY MORE than one color.  If you have been in my home in the last few months you know how I have about a million different colored picture frames on the walls.  I painted every one of them and had a ton of paint left over, so my little soldiers are decorated using those colors.:) I also should mention that these are supposed to be a Nutcracker Bowling Set.  But I kind of turned them into some other kind of crazy magical toy(though I do want to make a Rat King Ball to knock them down with...which feels completely disloyal to my little troupe so I think I will have to make a set of Mice Bowling Pins as well to knock down with a Nutcracker bowling ball.;)

Me being...well ME, I had to name each one...and give them a colorful back story.....

SO without further ado, let me introduce you to General Nutcrackers Militia.( For any real military person reading this please be aware that when I named these fellows I tried to do it in true "Fritz Stalhbahm style".  Fritz is the little brother of Marie in the original tale of the Nutcracker.  He wouldn't necesarily have known the perfect ranks either.;)

From left to right we have GENERAL NUTCRACKER, MAJOR GENERAL NUTCRACKER OF THE MARZIPAN BRIGADE, and MAJOR ALOYSHIOUS MARMELADE.

General Nutcracker is THE NUTCRACKER.  This is his militia.  Major General Nutcracker THINKS he is in charge, but it really is the General. 

Major General Nutcracker is a bit of a show off.....well way more than a bit.  You can tell by his fancy shirt, and TWO ribbons on his hat.  He is constantly competing with Major Marmelade(though it must be noted that it is a completely one sided competition as far as the Major is concerned. The Major doesn't really go in for rivalry within the brigade as it leads to disruption and bad manners all around.)  The Major General is very upset that his beard is shorter than the Major's but he tries to make up for it in brass buttons(which are not a sign of rank in THIS militia).  AND although the Major is more decorated than the Major General, the Major General's star is bigger.  And truth be told, how he got that star is one huge epic of a story, so we might forgive a little of his pride for it.

Major Marmelade is a quiet, sober type soldier.  He is very efficient and very dependable in battle.  He knows how to get the job done.  He is the most decorated officer in General Nutcrackers militia, but he is very humble about it.:)

Here we have(again from left to right) LIEUTENANT JAMES DANDY, TOOT, and SWEET.

These three fellows are the heart of the militia's moral.

Lt. Dandy is the militia's poet with a purple sash.  He runs faster than anyone else and records the epic battles...and the not so epic battles.  But he is so good with words that even the tiniest battles sound impressive. He is very romantic, and it is rumored that the purple sash he wears was given him by some beautiful doll whose name is unknown.  He is not a show off, like the General Major, although by his 12 sparkly buttons you might think so. He just tends to overdue things because he is a very fervant sort of fellow. 

Toot and Sweet(called "Sweetie" by his closest comrades) are twins, and joined General Nutcrackers army at the same time.  They were called as his Hussars, but when they were told, they misheard and thought they were the Nutcrackers "Huzzahs!" And that is why over all the battle din you hear "Huzzah!  Huzzah!" It is indeed Toot and Sweet fullfilling their "duties" with all their might.:)

Here are Colonel Sargent Brickle and Sargent Colonel Pickle.

These two fellows can never decide on anything!  Up! Down! Forward! Retreat!  They are fun to have around, but are somewhat of a trial to General Nutcracker(though his very good manners would never have him let on).

Last but not least, here is the General's entire Navy.  ADMIRAL D.DARLING and MON CAPITAN BON BON(He's french).

For the longest time Admiral Darling was the Nutcracker's ENTIRE Navy, and how Mon Capitan Bon Bon(he is french) came to join the navy is a really beautiful story...that shall have to be told another time.:)  The Admiral swears his full name is Dagmar Darling, but the real truth is that he was born Dainty Darling.  Of course that is a ridiculous name to name a little boy soldier, but his mother was a very ridiculous sort of woman, though also the most loving mother a soldier could wish for(as tokened by the picture of her that the Admiral keeps in his breast pocket.:)  The Admiral of course never ever lets on about his real birth name, and instead says his name is Dagmar, which VERY unfortunately is a girl's name, but he didn't know, he thought it sounded very fierce<----which is important when you are heading the navy, albeit a navy of one or two.:)

Mon Capitan Bon Bon is french, and the most loyal companion of the Admiral.




And there is the gist of the my little Nutcracker Army.  I would write more, for indeed there is epic upon epic to record upon these webpages, but alas, the baby calls and I must bid you adieu!

to get it over with

I have started and stopped SO MANY blog posts since last I wrote. 

SO MANY.

I have greatly desired to write about the experiences I have been having since having this new addition to our home.  SO MANY things have been happening over here. And I have been having so many interesting thoughts and feelings that I want to share.

BUT....

Some things have been stopping me.
Mostly peer pressure-y things.

And that is silly.

SO.

TO get things MAYBE started again here are some really quick, brief thoughts I was thinking about my post partum experience today. Maybe if I write them down really fast I will get past the nervous energy I have been feeling about writing.

Here goes.

Heidi Rosalind is over two months now..(like over by four days;), and I have been blessed with a really awesome emotional recovery this time round!  With Jane I honestly can not remember if I had bad PPD.  What I DO remember is that when Denny came I was worried about it enough to secretly encapsulate my placenta and eat it in little "magic pills" and IT WAS AWESOME!!! SO much energy and well being and balanced hormones!  WIth Alice the "magic pills" did not work, in fact they made me totally crazy and super unbalanced feeling.  We have come to the recent conclusion that this might have been because I am estrogen dominant and with a super estrogeny placenta from having a baby girl might have been hormone overload instead of hormone balancing(ps. if you want to know more about the awesomeness of placenta encapsulation look here---->MAGIC PILLS ).  I did find though that taking wheat germ totally balanced things out, and that was wonderful. 

For this newest baby I prayed and studied and felt like the best thing I could do to prevent PPD this time round was to eat greens to the max and keep up on my herbs.

And it worked out pretty well!!

On further reflection I found several other things that made this post partum experience emotionally awesome.  Here is a brief list:

-100 hours of therapy.  Seriously.:)  I was thinking about how calm I am this time around and I realized that I have had about 100 hours in the chair at a shrink's office over my lifetime, and I really think the things I learned in those sessions helped me out.  This last round I had, after my Dad passed, was especially significant.  I keep thinking about how my therapist would say, "Clair are you gonna die?  Then I think it will be ok."  Or "Clair are you gonna die?  Then it really isn't that important."  Kind of intense actually when you connect that to the fact I was in therapy because my Dad had just DIED.  Anyways, very good advice that has absolutely changed my perspective on parenting and life in general. 

-BREATHING.  Much intentional breathing has also super helped me stay calm and in perspective.  Good adrenal herbs have also super aided the anxiety and hormonal balance.  Your adrenals and thyroid(both stress related systems in the body) secrete hormones too you know, it's not just the female reproductive parts you gotta worry about with hormone balance!

-A phenomenal support system.  Friends, family, kids, and hubby.  THANK YOU.  Support from far and near.  So important.  Keeping BJ healthy also was key.  I am so grateful that he made sure that he was in good shape so that he could be a good helper and support to me and the kids.:)

-Eating my greens.  I already said this, but dude, SERIOUSLY.  Eating lots of nutrient rich food was KEY.  As well as keeping up on my herbs I take, and drinking RED RASPBERRY TEA.  I drank two qts a day the first week and about a qt a day after that.  I am still taking it, about a qt a day, combined with skullcap(a nervine) and sometimes catnip(also good for nerves and relaxation<---you can give it to your kids at bedtime ps...:).

-PRAYER and POSITIVITY.  SO essential for me. (My baby is starting to beckon me for supper...so this is going to start getting brief....)

A few really important things to mention that DID NOT HELP:
-Entering the world too soon.  Maybe it is because I am SUPER INSECURE, but letting myself back onto facebook, or having people over too soon was not so good for me this time.  There is something about letting the world back in that just makes you a bit crazy and SUPER DOUBTFUL of every good decision you have ever made as a mother. 

-Reading anything negative, especially about mothering too soon(OR EVER GOOD GRIEF).  People can be really insensitive to others, not meaning to even sometimes, and it just isn't good for the well being of a new mommy(even the new mommy of baby #4) to be exposed to that kind of yuck.  A mother should never have to feel that they are stupid, or selfish, or inadequate as a mother.  NO one has that kind of right to judge you but yourself and God. For REAL. We need to be kinder to ourselves and each other and apply "benefit of the doubt" to ourselves and others.  Basically at all times. Oi.  I had several experiences of this negative nature way too soon after the baby was born and the days those experiences happened were THE ONLY days I felt anything like PPD.  The adversary is very real, and it didn't take much for him to use those opportunities to make me feel like the absolute worst mother ever.  It was horrible!  And the truth is that I am a pretty good mother. We need to surround ourselves with truth.  It is the good idea.:)

SO.  I feel very blessed.  PPD is ugly and very damaging to the mother and the whole family.  If you have PPD please get some help.  People love you. SO MANY PEOPLE LOVE YOU, and want to help you.  Heavenly Father does not want us to be unhappy.  Not like PPD makes you unhappy.  A bad day is one thing, even maybe a bad WEEK, but longer then that is no bueno friend.  And life does not have to be like that.

OK, there you go.  First scary post done with.  And it wasn't THAT SCARY...(to write that is).:)
THE END. 

(photo by KAYLA CROUCH!!!<---SHE ROCKS!)
Thanks for reading my Mumma's blog.  She is a bit crazy and weird but she is a good egg when all is said and done.:)

The Cautionary Tale of Heidi Rosalind

This is Heidi Rose wondering if you are ready for THE CAUTIONARY TALE OF HEIDI ROSALIND!!


SO it has taken me FOREVER to get this birth story written down, and even at this moment I really just don't feel like writing it.:)  Not because her birth was horrible or anything, I just have not felt like writing lately.  I feel like TALKING.  Talking is so much easier than writing! At least it is for ME.

But I digress...

So this labor story really starts an entire week before she was actually born.  I went to my midwife appointment on August 6th and was told by my midwife that she really wanted me to have this baby by Friday so she could go to her high school 50th reunion in Idaho...and I was like...say wha?!?  But also very ready to have the baby if the baby was ready.  Also, important to mention, my parents were in town and leaving on the 13th, and my Sister Heidi(who MY Heidi Rose is named after) was coming on the 12th as well to see the hopefully born by then baby...

Anyways, so my midwife and I decided that maybe doing some cervical massage would be a great idea to try and get things going.  ALL of my previous labors had started with cervical massage, like within the following 24 hours. So I figured we were having a baby that evening or the next morning.  That was NOT what happened.

Finally on WEDNESDAY morning, very early (I believe it was about 5:30ish) labor began.  Contractions built, and continued until about 9:30, and then stopped COMPLETELY.  As soon as the contractions began I put on my Hypnobabies track(probably the deepening one, I can't remember), and then managed to get back to sleep.  The contractions were intense and building, but really manageable. (HYPNOBABIES FOR THE WIN. FOR REAL.)

So, after they stopped I was a bit frustrated, but after talking to my midwife, we figured that labor would probably start back up again that night, and we would pop that baby out pretty dang fast!

Well that didn't happen.  Labor DID start up again Thursday morning around 9am, and my midwife and her two assistants hurried on over.  Labor kept progressing until about noon...and then again stopped completely.  We all decided to let the midwives go home and keep in touch, labor would probably not begin again until the afternoon or evening.....which did not happen....AGAIN.

It also did not start up Friday....or Saturday. Friday morning my midwife calls and says that since labor hasn't started up again she is going to head on up to her reunion.  She gave me her back-up's number and left on her merry way.  I WAS NOT PLEASED.  I had been walking, and taking cohosh, and doing everything to get this labor going for her and my folks and everyone and I just felt abandoned. I need to add here that my midwife and I are both extremely prayerful people, and she had prayed very hard to know if she should attend this reunion and had a really strong impression that it was important for her to go, and I felt a confirmation of that when she told me.  I still felt abandoned though a bit. Mostly just super frustrated that all these people needed to see this baby before leaving to various places and I just felt helpless!

Sunday Sister Heidi came and went to SERIOUS work on some reflex-get-into-labor-points on my body.  Baby did not appear while she was there, but a few hours later my little family and folks went up to the BYU duck pond and hung out for about an hour I think.  Around 5:30pm I all asudden had a huge contraction....and then a minute later another one...and they kept on coming about every one or two minutes.  Really strong, really close together contractions are really normal for me in early labor, and labor had already started and stopped twice so I was a bit dubious that this was the real thing, but my parents were also planning on leaving back to WA in the next day or two and I really wanted this to be the real thing so I started concentrating REALLY hard on hoping this was for real!:)  We got home, my parents went to their hotel, my kids went to a friend's home for the night, and the midwives came on over.  My midwife had just got back into town and got to my home asap.

OK, I have to interject here again.  I have a REALLY hard time with feeling abandoned, and feeling let down by people I depend on.  Stupid leftover emotional scars from being from a divorced family.  Also, my labors super stall when I am upset and not relaxed.  I had to figure out super quick how to communicate my frustration to my midwife in a way that could be resolved happily and quickly so labor would not stop.  I really suck at that kind of thing so I was a bit freaking out.  Fortunately I had prayer on my side and basically an angel of a midwife who is SO receptive of the spirit.  So she got to my house and I basically told her that I was really upset that she had left, and she said she knew.  And then I said a few other things and she responded and it was totally AWESOME.  I wish communicating with my family was that easy! And then we moved on!:)

So since I had been seemingly laboring for a few days off and on the midwives all thought I was going to have this baby SOOOO FAST!  Well let me just spoil the surprise, Heidi Rose's last full stint of labor lasted for TEN HOURS.  From 5:30ish pm Sunday evening until 3:48am Monday morning.  Labor was EASY, ohmygator it was so easy.  We have pictures of my laboring and smiling, and that was seriously how it was. Hypnobabies people!  It is AWESOME.  I am sorry Meridy if you read this, hypnosis really does work in labor, and you really don't feel pain during contractions if everything is progressing normal. Which mine did for the first 8ish, 9ish hours.  You could barely tell I was in labor, and really you could only tell I was if you had been at lots of births before.  Everything was so peaceful, and quiet.  My favorite part was for a while when I was on the birth ball and BJ was in a chair in front of me with a couple of huge pillows on his lap.  I rested my head and front of my body on the pillows with my tummy hanging down and BJ did some light touch massage on my back.  IT WAS HEAVEN.  My midwife rested on my couch, and her two assistants were doing midwife homework in my kitchen.  The lights were dim.  It was just heaven.  I thought my baby down, and just was in deep concentration.


(This is me not being in pain during a contraction and feeling very happy about it:)

I think the reason why hypnobabies worked so well for me with this labor was because I had been listening to tracks almost non-stop many of the days leading up to her actual birth(I really was trying everything natural to get that baby out so my parents could see their newest love!:).  I had been not very consistent with practicing relaxing and hypnosis really until that last week.  By the time labor started I felt VERY in the zone and was able to relax super deeply.  The contractions really did feel just like a bit of pressure which required just a little bit of extra concentration.  Where I could really tell the difference in pain was when I got into the birth tub.  I LOVE laboring in the birth tub normally because it takes away like 80% of the pain.  The water super buoys your belly and all those hard working contractions and it is just glorious.  THIS TIME the contraction pain was already minimal so that when I was in the water I actually couldn't feel ANYTHING, which was really frustrating because I needed to know my labor wasn't stalling again!  So the birth tub for labor was not really what I enjoyed this time.  The birth ball ended up being what my body wanted most, which was interesting because I don't think I used my birth ball at all for any of my other births.

Anyways, around midnight we decided to go ahead and check me(I had been at about a 6 or 7 by the end of Thursday morning-hence everyone believing that my labor was going to go lightning speed....), well, turns out that my cervix was not aligned and that the baby's head was pulling my cervix down with it so I was back down to a 4. A FOUR?!?!?!?  I was so discouraged, even though I knew that the fact she was much lower was more important than dilation, and Denny had gone from a 5 to a 10 in 45 minutes, so dilation really is not a good indicator of progression.  ANYWAYS, another part of the problem was that since I am so short the pathway out was not aligning properly(chiropractor would have solved this problem as it had with another labor) and the baby was having a hard time moving down.  So every time from then that I had a contraction she wanted me to pull my tummy in with my hands in a certain way which increased the pressure, and helped align everything.  And BJ and I decided that it was time for a walk around the block to help gravity out.  Right before we left I asked BJ for a blessing(because I was so dang discouraged). During the blessing I felt a contraction,  and even though BJ was in the middle of the blessing I decided to pull in my tummy like my midwife had suggested.  Well immediately my water broke ALL OVER EVERYWHERE. Which was awesome, and nervous for me at the same time.  I knew the baby had time to come, but I was afraid of stalling, I was afraid of labor completely stopping!  Anyways, we took the walk and then things really started going. 

Labor was still very manageable UP TO THAT POINT, and things got crazy.  When things are lined up and normal the pushing stage feels SO GOOD.  With Denny it felt so good that it made me SO EXCITED for Alice's birth, just for that part!:) (Alas, if you know her story you know that that was not the wonderfulness that happened...) Anyways, I started to feel the urge to push and I could tell that this was not going to be fun pushing like with Denny.  This was feeling just like when Alice was born, and something did not feel right.  The pressure felt all in the wrong place and I could tell things were not opening.  I knew I was going to have to get out of the tub.  I knew my midwife was going to have to help my cervix open(which is basically a form of torture if anyone was trying to imagine how that feels!:) while I was pushing, and that it was going to hurt A WHOLE MILLION before that baby came out. 

The best part of this last hourish was that everyone was so perfect in how they supported me.  I was allowed to emote in every way I needed to, however I needed to without any explanation or apology.  They just did everything I needed to help get my baby into the world. And it was beautiful. 

So I began the arduous part of this labor and started pushing with the help of basically everyone.  I ended up pushing on my midwife's incredibly cushiony birth stool.  BJ was on my right hand, another assistant was on my left, and the other assistant was behind me supporting me.  I pushed for I have no idea.  I had pushed for awhile in the tub too.  I went into shock a bit, but they had the oxygen right there, and some shock tincture(with a WHOLE lotta cayenne let me tell you!:), so everything was very safe and OK.  Finally I could feel the crowning, and I was like, why the heck was I not feeling relief yet?!  And then I had to keep pushing and pushing that baby out! And then my midwife exclaimed, "holy cow that is a big baby!"(well, something like that:).  BJ caught her, and then handed her right to me(can I add really quickly what a super trooper this man is?!  It was such a long labor! And right before the end we were both in the tub.  I got to be dried off and changed right when I got out-cause we were all women but BJ-but HE had to stay in wet clothes for that last at least 45 minutes, and he was probably freezing!  We went right to the birth stool and into serious pushing mode, so he didn't have a chance to change.).  As soon as I had her I said, "hello baby!" and her head turned super fast toward me and her eyes popped super wide open, and she looked at me, and I melted.:) 

Usually when I hold my baby I feel a rush of emotion, and feelings of that baby's unique spirit.  With this darling baby I felt not a whole lot.  I felt patience.  I felt cautious emotions coming from this baby.  She just looked at me, and you could see her thinking and deciding about what she was thinking about.  It was a very curious experience which has continued right up to the present.  This is a cautionary baby.  She takes her time to figure things out.  She is teaching me how to be more calm and more patient everyday!:)

After she came out the placenta had to be delivered.  Usually not a big deal, but pushing out that lovely sized baby had taken a lot out of me and was way more painful than a water delivery where everything is supported.  Pushing was not feeling happy.  With Alice, the placenta wasn't coming out in the tub so my midwife let me get in the shower, and it immediately slipped out as soon as I did.  I was hoping for that experience again, but this midwife wanted it out before I got cleaned up.  It took several pushes, and no wonder!  It was AT LEAST 3-5 pounds!  It was HUGE!  Basically the size of another child!:)

THEN I TOOK MY SHOWER.  OK, seriously one of my most favorite parts of labor.:)  My midwives were so funny.  They could not believe how much energy I had, and how much I wanted that shower.:)  They were all thinking that if it was them they would just want to fall into bed and go to sleep, but I LOVE BEING CLEAN!:)

It was a long, beautiful labor.  The end was really hard, but I did it.  This five foot woman pushed out a 9 lb 5 oz baby, through her own pelvis, with NO TEARING AT ALL.  I had one skid mark that healed in half a day. 

One thing that surprised me about the recovery was how long it took this time.  I was really diligent about drinking my red raspberry leaf tea which helps heal things SO FAST(really, it is crazy), but things got SO STRETCHED OUT with this lovely sized baby that it just took WAY longer than I thought it would to start to get things back to even close to normal(yeah, we are still working on it four weeks later<---which testifies how fast of a recovery I have experienced with red rasp. tea before!:).

Pushing was super intense I am not going to lie.  There were definite thoughts about not having anymore children EVER again, and other such thoughts.  But honestly, truly, I could not remember the pain EVEN THE NEXT DAY.  And yes, I probably will have SEVERAL more children.:) 

I mentioned the chiropractor up there somewhere.  I went to the chiro. with Denny's pregnancy, and labor went WAY differently than my other labors.  And pushing was a miraculous thing.  I really am not joking. We took a BIRTHING FROM WITHIN class with the following pregnancy and they do "birth art" type things, and one of the art prompts was to draw a picture of the pushing stage, and my picture was of a party LITERALLY.(OK, that class probably sounds totally crazy, but it was REALLY AWESOME and fun.:)
My Sister Heidi has also experienced the difference that going to the chiropractor makes for the last 6ish weeks of pregnancy in labor.  It is a revelation friends!:)  I really think if I had been going to the chiro those last few weeks that this baby would not have kept getting stuck and that she would have come WAY earlier, and fast, and WAY LESS PAINFULLY AT THE PUSHING PART!!!<---FOR REAL.

Anyways, that is the basic story of the Cautionary Tale of Heidi Rosalind.  You can decide for yourself why it was cautionary.  Because of her personality, her weird labor journey, not having gone to a chiro...etc.;)

Yay babies!!! Also, you probably guessed, but I birthed at home under the care of an AMAZING midwife, Dianne.  She has been a midwife for 30 years, has hardly ever had a patient who tore during labor, and just brings the most peaceful and loving spirit to the births she attends.  I love her millions.  Her two assistants were also darling.  We had several really neat discussions about life, religion, movies, etc.:)  Hypnobabies totally rocked this labor. OHMYGATOR.  One of my bestest friends, JAMIE, was our teacher, and it was such a neat experience, and totally made a huge difference in the manageability of this labor.  TEN HOURS is a long labor(especially for a fourth child!), and it was not painful at all until the end when things were not lined up. The hardest part of this labor(ok, besides the pushing) was the emotional and mental endurance it took.  Starting and stopping, and then concentrating for ten hours is intense!  BUT it was TOTALLY DOABLE.  Yes, you could do it too.:)

I am so grateful to be a woman, and to have had four beautiful(if not sometimes super intense!) births.  AND four beautiful darling babies.  I am SO GRATEFUL for my little clan.  Being able to have a family is something not everyone gets to have in this life, and I feel so blessed that I get to be one of the few.  Birth is such a powerful and life changing experience.  I had a blessing where it said that it is basically a sacred ordinance being born.  That is definitely how I feel about it.  It is something sacred and precious and beautiful.  AND POWERFUL.  It has the ability to change you in ways you can't even imagine.  I am a totally different person because of each of my births.  I have learned something very specific from each of my children and their birth experiences.  I feel so grateful.  SO BLESSED.

Well, I should probably end this here.  GOOD GRIEF I AM LONG WINDED!:)
Happy Monday!!!

OK. PS.  One of my other favorite parts about home birth is that once you have had that beautiful baby the midwives tuck you and your handsome hubby into bed(together! Not on separate uncomfortable hospital beds!), they clean everything up, and then leave.  You are free to sleep and cuddle that baby and your wonderful helpmate, and it is PURE HEAVEN.  No getting woken up by crazy nurses every 20 minutes, and poked and prodded. Just PEACE. How awesome is that?!?! Pretty dang in my opinion.;)