Out of the dark

I hate the dark.  I love a good rainstorm.  I love the stars, but I hate the dark.  I have had some of my most terrifying moments in the night time. And I just really hate the dark.  I don't like dark things.   They make me feel horrible inside.

I love the light.  I love feeling GOODNESS and truth and light and beauty.

Last night was a dark night.  I felt very vulnerable to dark thoughts and dark fears.  I couldn't wait for it to be light outside again.  I feel so much safer in the daytime.  I feel like I can DO something when it is light.  I almost always fall pray to despair in the dark of night. Not every night, but when I do despair it is USUALLY in the night time.

This morning I woke up and still felt awful. I didn't want to get out of bed.  The night time was still too close.  I lay in bed thinking about how to make the dark feelings go away.

I thought for a long time. About the time it takes for the movie Cinderella to play and my kids to eat the cereal Jane poured for them.

I said a prayer, but it wasn't very heartfelt.  I still felt too yucky inside to feel like prayer would help.  Really what I was feeling was unworthiness.  The dark makes me feel that way too easily.

I checked my facebook.  I checked my email.  I checked the few blogs I check every morning.

I said prayers, but the dark still had a hold on me and the prayers were weakish.

I turned on spottify and remembered a beautiful song by Hilary Weeks that had touched me deeply a few weeks ago and listened to that.

I began to feel the change.

I listened to the words, but mostly just felt the beautiful, yearning spirit of the feeling of the song.  The yearning feeling to be closer to the Savior.  He has so much peace and healing.  I felt the FEELING of the story of the woman who felt if she could just be close enough to touch the hem of His garment she would be healed.  She didn't want His attention, or to take up His time.  She just wanted to be close enough to feel of His healing spirit and be healed.

I have been thinking a lot about how when I was a young teen the youth leaders at my church would take us all up to the Ape Caves at Mt. Saint Helens.  We would go down the lava caves and it was SOOOO DARK!  They would have us turn off our flashlights and you COULD NOT see your hand in front of your face.  I know because I tried.  It was incredible to be in a place so completely dark.  And then someone would light one match.  And we would all marvel at how much light that teeny tiny match would give.

Sometimes life is very hard.  We or others make life very difficult for ourselves and others.  Sometimes we trip and fall.   Sometimes bad things happen that is really no one's fault.  Sometimes Satan gets a really firm grip on our minds.  Sometimes we invite him into our lives by reading/watching/listening to dark or less than good things.  All these things can lead to really dark places and make us feel powerless. But I know from experience that we can have a hopeful change in our lives.

I talk about turning toward heaven A LOT. I really think this is the key.  It isn't a big move.  Just a turn.  Just the beginnings of making an effort.  And then you start the reach.  The reach to whatever is good, virtuous, or lovely.  The reach to truth.  The reach to hope.

For me it always begins so tiny and still mostly despairing.  Really, just that teeny tiny mustard seed in my hand.  But I remember the match in the dark and know that that tiny seed can grow into something more powerful than any dark thing ever found ever.:)

After listening to Hilary sing  I went onto the Deseret Bookstore website and found some of my favorite art prints.  There are so many beautiful things to fill our lives with, and here are a few of my very favorite pieces.:) They all have to do with light and hope and truth.:) Sorry they are so small!  I wish I could have found bigger pictures to steal off the internet so you could see how beautiful these pieces are!:)

LIGHT: Julius Von Klever

As dark as life gets, as turbulent as our trials may BE, there is one who is PEACE amidst the storm, one who is more powerful than the storm. He is more powerful than any darkness.

HOPE: Ray Johnson

 God is real.  He has a plan.  He is with us when we feel that darkness will overtake us.  He not only is with us, but has already prepared a plan for us to get through the trials if we will only trust Him, and listen and obey His promptings.

TRUTH: J Kirk Richards

We are His.  He will take care of us if we will let Him.  I always thought this was a picture of sheep. But they are people!  This painting is entitled "Every Knee Shall Bow".  I think maybe the artist meant for the people to look like sheep.  I think it is a really inspiring piece of art.

Anyways, maybe this is such a non-relevant post for anyone who reads it.  When I started this blog I tried to think about what I wanted its purpose to be.  Like, I felt it needed a theme.  But really I think Heavenly Father wants me to write this blog for me.  He wants me to write everyday.  I don't know why, but I feel that.  And if it inspires someone then that is a bonus.:)  I always want this to be interesting, but mostly this blog is an exercise for me to write by the spirit and learn how to communicate my insides more clearly.  Thanks for being patient and joining me in this journey.:)

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Be good to yourself.  Think of one thing that you can do today that will bring more light and happiness to your day and do it.  Also, bonus entry.  I want to know: if you could buy any piece of hope inspiring art for your home, what would it be?  I own the first of the above three.  I want them all.:)  Happy FRIDAY!!!