I know often times I come off as a really silly, happy person. And I am.:)
But I have known great depths of sadness and sorrow and despair in my life as well. I have had debilitating chronic illness that has made me feel so much less a woman, wife, friend, daughter, sister, mother, person. I have grown up in a loving but very broken family at times.I have had my heart broken over family relationships. I have lived the poor life.:) I have to smile because who hasn't lately!?! I've experienced many other hardships throughout my life.
I may appear to be a normally happy person, but I have definitely struggled with anxiety and depression and despair and hopelessness. I have chosen to be negative and given into negativity MANY times. But I try really hard to choose to be positive, and to train myself to be positive because I know that even in hard times I can have peace in my heart if I choose to. And it is all about having the spirit with me and turning to heaven(prayer:). Really about giving over my burden to the Lord. WHICH IS SO HARD FOR ME SOMETIMES!!!
My parents divorced around the time I was 5 or 6. I didn't see my Dad hardly at all after that. I did have a relationship with him, but it was more like an uncle most of the time. Which left a great big whole in my heart as you can imagine. My Mum remarried a year later to an amazing man, but I really struggled feeling like he was my "DAD". I called him Mike until I was about 19, at which time I really felt like I should honor his role in my life with a name that was more appropriate. After that I started calling him "Pop".:)
I have always really struggled with the whole "DAD" thing, and it has translated itself over to my relationship with my Heavenly Father many times. I am probably closest to my Heavenly Father out of my three fathers:), but I think because of my difficulty with bonding with an earthly father I have had trouble at times bonding with my Heavenly Father. It is hard to reach to Him when I am sad and lonely and despairing sometimes, just as I have never felt comfortable reaching to my earthly fathers in times of grief . Sometimes it is easy to pray for heaven's help. Sometimes when I am in my darkest hours it is SO EASY. Then there will be other dark moments when it just feels pointless, and how could Heavenly Father care for me? I mean, my life isn't as bad as so many other people. And I am so full of mistakes and faults. And I am probably just being stupid anyways.
Those dark thoughts are not true. And I am so grateful for the most of the times when I remember that. Heavenly Father loves us SO MUCH. Some people believe that you shouldn't bother Him all day with little things in your life. He doesn't care which socks you wear, or whether you should go to the store today or tomorrow. But I have found that when life is really difficult. Like those chronically stressful times, that those are the days when it feels SO GOOD and SO RIGHT to pray and talk to my Heavenly Father all day. Especially with all the little things. The times when I can't take one more herbal pill, even though I need to, and He inspires me with another way to get what I need into my body. The times when I just really need one minute to go to the bathroom and I need to know my baby is not going to burn down the house or break his neck while I am in there.:) Or the times when I know I would just feel so much better if there could be a time of the day where I could take a shower or read my scriptures. I mean, who has time for those things?! I know that Heavenly Father cares about me and about the things I care about. I am not trivial and neither are the things in my life and the things in my heart.
I believe that we were sent here to prove our obedience and to fulfill a mission in this life that is uniquely ours. And I know that along the way there will be trials and hardships and serious tests of everything in us. Patience is difficult here. SERIOUSLY I struggle with this TO THE MAX. I know that with all that though that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. And He is there for us. He sent His son to make all our dreams possible. And He is there to lift our burdens and to show us love and remind us of all the truthful beautiful things.
I remember one time I was so heavy with so many emotional and physical burdens. I just couldn't hardly walk it felt like, so I did the Clair thing.....and went on a walk.:) I remember saying a prayer and talking to my Heavenly Father about what I was feeling and wanting to give Him my burdens and not knowing how. It is one thing to talk about it and another thing to really do it. I mean giving the Lord your burdens isn't really a tangible thing. I remember feeling inspired to try and make it mentally tangible. I imagined myself scooping out the pain of my heart and lifting it to heaven. I thought about each pain individually and scooped out that individual hurt until it felt like it was all out. Sometimes it took A LOT of scoops for some hurts. Then I would move onto the next hurt and continue scooping. This has not always worked for me, but that time it felt SO GOOD when I was done. I literally felt lighter. My burdens felt lifted and I felt so much peace. Knowing that I couldn't change any of those hurts BUT GOD COULD and that He had it handled lifted me up, and gave me the strength I needed in that moment.
When my birth Dad died this last summer I remember really, REALLY struggling and grappling with the unfairness of so many things surrounding his death and the effects I was still reeling from from my Mum's and his divorce. I remember my Bishop talking about how the Atonement not only covers the pain of life, but also the unfairness of it. Isn't that so unbelievably kind of Heavenly Father?! I think it is so generous! AND proof that He cares about our feelings and our experience here on earth.
I hope that you all have had amazing relationships with your earthly fathers, but if, like me, you have struggled with that, know that you can have the MOST AMAZINGLY CLOSE relationship with your Heavenly Father. TRUE STORY.
I really needed to write this for me today. Today was a battle of thoughts in my head. And I really needed to be reminded of these things. I posted it only in case someone else needed it too.:)
Also, I must write that I am so extremely grateful for my loving husband who shows me everyday what a Dad should be like to my own sweet children. His relationship with my children heals my heart everyday. I am so grateful for him.:)
Mmmm. Great post. I sometimes think there must be a storm coming in my life b/c I haven't experienced much that was traumatic or scarring. I was fortunate enough to have been born to parents who loved each other and were committed to living and teaching the gospel to their children. I've reflected often recently that their unconditional love is very possibly a large part of what makes Heavenly Father's love so very real and believable for me. Check out the scripture references for the hymn "God is Love". They're beautiful. And you're beautiful. Do you know what's awesome? Your children will not experience the same hurts you did by experiencing a divorce. That's awesome! It's so darn likely that children of divorced parents will also get divorced (statistically speaking). Whatever ways you feel you fall short as a mother, your children are still so lucky to have you. So blessed. Love you, dear. :)
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