Have you ever tried to change something about yourself, really put a TON of time and energy into changing it, only to have it keep cropping up every now and then? Or had a deep seated hurt that you thought you were over only to have it surprise you out of nowhere and hurt like you had never gotten over it at all? Last night that happened to me. And it was ugly. It makes me feel so despairing when this happens. It makes me hate myself.
Today I woke up and to be honest I just have nothing. I have been praying, but it feels like even though I know Heavenly Father hears me, I just don't have what it takes to do my part to fix this crappy hurt/character flaw/etc. I know the Atonement is incredible awesome and can heal anything. I know that God and the Savior can fix and make anything whole again. But I struggle with my end. I struggle with having faith that I can do my little part.
There is a picture of Jesus knocking at a door with no handle. And it is at this point the Sunday school teacher points out that there is no handle because it is our job to open the door. Jesus can't make us open the door. He can't make us let Him help us.
Why is it so dang hard to open that door sometimes? Some hurts are so deep, some flaws are so ingrained, maybe it feels like there is just no way they can ever go away. And then there are those times you think they have gone away and the reprieve is so incredible...but then they come back and it is just devastating. I have known several incredible people who struggle with this(obviously including myself), and sometimes they just have given up and said, "this is how I am.I am just a X person. Or I will never be able to get over X" And it has made me so incredibly sad because I know in my heart it doesn't have to be that way. This life is a life of progression. We are here to keep striving to be better BECAUSE WE CAN BE BETTER!!! And hurts can be healed, no matter how deep. I really believe that. It is crazy hard, but it can be done. Isn't that a miracle?! Just because you have learned bad character traits(and I really do believe they are learned for the most part), or been hurt so incredibly deeply, it doesn't mean it has to be that way forever. I have a million conference talks to back that up (search the www.lds.org website.:). All hurts and flaws are not equal, and I DO KNOW that there is A LOT of ugliness and evil in the world. I KNOW. Oh man I KNOW. I am not belittling the hardness of the change, in fact the hardness of the change is what made last night and is making this morning so incredibly tortuous and impossible feeling to live through.
Satan wants us to feel like crap so that we will just stay in our beds all day, ignoring the people in our homes who need us, and just stop living/progressing/etc. I KNOW. And knowing that is what starts to change me. Satan is the bad guy. Bad guys don't care about you. Bad guys are completely selfish in their purposes. Bad guys don't win in the long run. And that is VERY true with Satan. Heavenly Father is more powerful. His Son Jesus Christ is more powerful. Even when I don't feel that is true, IT IS TRUE. I KNOW.
I used to get so mad at Satan when I realized he had gotten power over my thoughts again. I would shake my fist at him(literally) and say out loud, "oh yeah, well at least I have a fist to shake at you! I have a body, you got nothing but hot air!" My Mum told me to stop this as this could be categorized as baiting the devil, which would probably not be helpful.
So today is starting out really hard. And it is going to take a ton of prayer and humility to change my day. Gah! I hate having to force myself to be humble. I wish it came easier. I really struggle with it. Being vulnerable hurts so badly, at first, for me usually. It feels better afterwards, but it just really stinks at the beginning of the process. Why does it feel so much easier to stay hurt and feel somewhat protected from the hurt feelings? I just need to woman up and get through the owie parts and then I can feel better.:)
So as a first step I am going to practice being truthful with myself. I am going to break through the darkness that Satan is trying to fill my mind with and list 10 things good about myself. It is too hard to feel that I can write the opposite of what he is telling me and believe it is true. What he is trying to tell me feels too real. I do feel like that horrible person he is describing. I do feel those hurtful things from the past. I will start by listing other good things about me. I know that when I make that first move, of choosing to turn toward heaven, that that will be enough to get me started back on the path of feeling the spirit. And that is where all truth lies. And if, come to find out I need to work on some character flaws, Heavenly Father will tell me the real truth about it. AND He will tell me how to fix it, and that it CAN be fixed. He has already made that plan for me, and all I have to do at that point is to be brave enough, have faith enough and hope enough, to take His hand and follow that plan.
10 things good about me: (tears welling. this is really hard for me.)
1.I love my kids so much it hurts. And they know it. I show them/tell them everyday.
2.I love truth and beauty, and strive to have it in my life.
3.I always keep trying. I keep messing up, but that is what this life is. Messing up, and keep trying, and slowly getting more awesome everyday.
4.I have the ability to feel the spirit.
5.I make A LOT of good choices in my life.
6.I am creative.
7.I have a generous nature.
8.I am a powerful spirit.
9.I am completely stuck(wait a minute....that isn't a positive thought.:) I really am stuck though. Hold on a minute.) I can figure out hard things and understand them.
10.I have a testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus' power in my life to change things that are horrible, ugly, or untrue.
It feels pathetic that that should be so difficult, but sometimes it IS difficult! Thinking of ONE thing can be so impossible! And I think that is normal.
So, whilst I am not totally feeling better, I CAN feel the tiny little rootlets of hope creeping back into my heart. Today will still be a battle, but now I can start to feel it is a battle totally doable and win-able.:)
TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Write ten things truthful/good/awesome about you. You don't have to share them, just let me know you did it! This week's giveaway is a prayer rock and chocolate.;) I am still working on my personal challenge to turn to heaven before chocolate, and it is going really well! These deep posts are what I keep feeling inspired to write, but hopefully I can start writing about lighter things soon, soon, soon! I have some really neat, FUN posts lurking in the recesses of my mind that I am REALLY excited to write!!
I practice focusing my mind on the next life, reviewing what I'm doing here that will help me to be ready for it the way I want it. "We are nothing," said Moses, "which thing I never had supposed." So my realistic expectations of myself are rather low, being a human, and leading to a happy feeling when I do things right. Rather Buddhist, but it works. I think Heavenly Father wants us to be happy.
ReplyDeleteI know He does.:) But I also know He wants us to experience all that we can so we can know the difference between real happiness and temporary/fake happiness. And that is when it can get tough!:) Alice was such a huge trial for our family when we first knew she was coming, but it was so interesting, she turned out to be what started the healing process in our lives. Our pain was what became our hapiness. A real happiness, not just life is going well-no hard times, but life is GOOD-and full and wonderful! It is such a strange thing!
DeleteI did the challenge. And it was hard, but I did it. :) Just gotta say thanks for posting such deep and personal things. I know you want to be light-hearted and fun, and I can't wait for those, but these are just *real* and letting us all in on your healing process allows us to all learn and grow and heal a little, too. I'm inspired by your thoughts every day, and I'm totally with you. :)
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you posted today. I don't really like or enjoy reading posts like this myself. Except for the challenge part, but this has what has felt good for me to write. I have felt very led in my writing. Everyday I ask BJ if it is too dark or depressing.:) I hope in my heart people get something out of what I am saying in a really positive way, but unless kind people like you post that you do I just don't know!:) So thank you!
Delete1. I correct my flaws to become a better person than I have ever been.
ReplyDelete2. What I do makes a huge difference, so we all benefit when I keep trying.
3. I can forge my own future, leaving the errors of past generations behind.
4. I am a hero.
5. I can accepts Jesus’ atonement every moment regardless of whatever else is going on.
6. I am a generous person.
7. It's great that I’m able to stop when I've planned a thing that's wrong, and do something else instead. (Thanks, Fred.)
8. When I push through the hard parts I come out a better person with more perspective and greater love.
9. I am learning how to be like God.
10. I have love in my heart that helps other people when it comes out!
That challenge may not come across on paper at all, but this stuff is so potent when I read it to myself. Holy cow, like I can’t even talk about it.
1.You are super buff.
Delete2.you build my dreams...literally
3.you buy the kids balloons(that was Jane's input)
4.you garden like the original He-man
5.you are ambitious like me:)
6.you are a righteous priesthood holder who takes that role seriously
7.you are more romantic than all the shakespearean heroes combined.
8.you give the best hugs
9.you have the best hands to hold EVER
10.you love your family with a devotion that is awe-inspiring.
Love you Bernhard.:) Thanks for being my biggest fan. I think you've surpassed my Mum even.;)