My Alice.:)

Today ALL my thoughts are about my Alice Michaela and how much I love her.

Let me introduce you to my "little brown bunny", my "rosie posie" girl.:)

THIS is Alice.

THIS is BRAVE Alice. So brave! Except when it comes to bugs.;)

THIS is Alice the FIERCE.  She is the QUEEN of scowl and seriously gives Anakin Skywalker a run for his money in that department. TO THE MAX.:)

THIS is Alice the delightful and darling.

THIS is Alice my princess and queen of my heart.:)

THIS.....

AND THIS is the miracle that Alice was in my life.:)

Alice Michaela was conceived just ten weeks after my son Denny was BORN.  It was NOT a planned pregnancy.  At least it wasn't planned by ME! It WAS planned by the most loving and kind and KNOWING Heavenly Father. 

Alice's pregnancy was THE HARDEST thing I have ever gone through in every sense.  I lost myself, my health, my testimony to some degree, and I almost lost my perspective on what this life is really about.

I heard "your life is hard" and "I could never do that" almost everyday of that pregnancy from well-meaning, trying to validate the seemingly horribleness of my life, people. They did their best and convinced me. I felt the hardness to the max and became really bitter.  I had a 2 year old and a brand new baby and a baby on the way.  What should have been a sweet miracle in our lives became a nightmare because I believed it to be.

I stopped wanting to be around people and to go to church because I was tired of the negative validation.  This was DEFINITELY a time when validation was a bad thing, and I did not even want it!  I wanted hope! And real comfort!  I wanted truth. 

I had a very few friends who listened to me when I expressed this need and totally made that pregnancy happen.  I had a husband who was such a serious trooper. Denny had severe teething trials and I think BJ was up every night for that whole first year comforting him.  I had a midwife and doula who believed in me and the power I had inside me to get through this pregnancy and birth and who never failed at telling me so.

AND THEN ALICE CAME.

And it was the most interesting experience!! She did not feel like OURS.  When Jane and Denny were born they immediately felt like they were MY children.  But Alice felt like this really special gift from God the second she was born.  I hadn't felt that AT ALL her entire pregnancy.  And in reflection, I wonder if I could have felt those precious feelings if I had been focusing on the positive and true instead of the negative and false about Alice coming into our family.

Alice was this precious angel baby that we felt almost a sacredness about. With Jane and Denny, if their pacifier fell on the floor we would pop it in our mouth(to "sanitize" it:) and then pop it back in theirs.  With Alice we felt like we needed to go REALLY clean it in the sink.  She had a really special spirit of reverence about her.  It was really incredible to experience that as a mother. It really woke my spirit up about the reality of the beauty of the situation I was in.

I went from thinking that being pregnant with Alice was the most horrible thing that could happen to a Clair.  To knowing that Alice was EXACTLY what our family needed.  Exactly what I needed to heal my life.

All the logic of Alice coming points to lameness.  It was hard in every way physically, emotionally, etc.

Having a 2.5 yr old, an 11month old, and a new born should be the worst idea ever!

How can you find peace and healing in that kind of situation?

In reflection, I have NO IDEA, but that is what happened.  With Alice coming I found peace.  With Alice coming I regained truth into my life again. With Alice coming into our family I found my faith again.

Alice is a tough cookie.

She is the QUEEN of scowl.  She is powerfully willed and the most darling thing.

I remember looking into her face in those first few hours of life and thinking how incredibly beautiful this darling rose was.  We almost named her Juliet or Helen(like Helen of Troy) because she just struck us so much as the kind of princess men would go to battle for.:)

I love ALL my babies, but today the tender parts of my heart lean to Alice.

I just am so grateful Heavenly Father is more in charge of my life than me.:)

Today I am grateful to the max for the miracle of Alice.:)

Today's Question: Who is in your heart today?  Who are you SO GRATEFUL for today?  Have you ever had an experience that you thought was totally the end of the world, but ended up surprising you and being EXACTLY what heaven is? Happy Tuesday!!