I secretly posted this the other day and then unposted it. I am going through a lot of emotional end of pregnancy crazy. I really just am wanting to post super funny anecdotes, but there is a lot of other stuff going on as well. So many people have been posting articles about the need to be understood by others. I feel very vulnerable right now, with a HUGE need to be understood, but I also feel like, who cares? Or, "why are you so weird and over reactive Clair?" I especially feel frustrated that I can not communicate what I really need to right now. I feel really torn between not wanting to bother people, and be an emotional burden and really just needing support right now. I feel like my feelings, that are so natural and normal for where I am right now, are totally uncool and offensive to others. And being vulnerable to the max right now is like THE PERFECT window for Satan to really make me believe some really untrue things about the worth of THIS soul.
SO in an effort to thwart the devil, and with vulnerable confidence that what I am feeling is important(at least to ME:), and valid, here is Missing Post #55. I am super introspective by nature and become INCREASINGLY so by the end of my pregnancy, so if all these feelings are shocking....uhhhh, sorry.:/ I added a few addendums(remember the original post was written a few days ago), they are in italics.
Disclaimer: You have found a secret post. This is not your typical Clair post. If you are reading my blog for the first time....uhhhhh, maybe read something else first.:) I am a much more positive gal than this post describes(at least I really hope I am!). Also, you may want to visit my sidebar for an explanation of the difference of "CLAIR FOREVER" and "forever clair". This is one of the very few SUPER forever clair posts.:)
Today is my 55th post. 5 is my most favoritest number. So 55 is EXTRA special. I feel like I should celebrate this post a bit since it IS the 55th one. BUT HOW?!
How do you celebrate things?
Today I don't really feel like celebrating. I feel emotional. I feel bogged down by the cynicism around me. I feel frustrated that I can only do so much in one day. I feel frustrated that people around me choose to be so negative and intolerant of the people around them. They have tolerance for so many GROUPS of people, but when it comes down to individuals-no way jose.
I feel like I just want to run away to my sea and hills and leave the world behind. I feel many feelings I feel whilst I am in my birth time actually. A need for quiet and positivity and order around me. I feel a need for beauty and love around me. I feel a SERIOUSLY DEEP need to feel safe and secure. I just don't want to be around people who don't make me feel completely safe. Like COMPLETELY safe. I am NOT in the mood for emotional surprises. Being around angry, sarcastic, cynical people makes me feel literally sick to my stomach and yucky for hours. Not to mention the crazy contractions those instances make me go into EVERY TIME. Boo to the max. FOR REAL. I mean, control your dang self body! Don't let haters make you crazy!
I feel a serious need to be free. I am having a hard time being trapped by rules and regulations set by mortals. I need choice. I need freedom. I am not talking about anarchy. I just need to be free. And I don't feel free. And I don't know why. And I am tired of analysing everything I am thinking or feeling. And of anazlyising everything around me.
I just want to close my eyes and breathe deeply and have almost everyone leave me alone. Only I don't want to be ALL ALONE. I need someone with me. In fact, I have been feeling like I NEED someone around me all the time. Which is another birth time feeling. It is weird, I need to be alone...with at least one other person. I have a great need to be watched over. I need to know someone is watching over me. I need to know I am being taken care of. When you are making a person, you don't always have the ability to take care of yourself like normal and it feels really important to know someone is watching you and taking care of you and is aware of you and what you need. (I am REALLY grateful for the watchful eye of the Lord lately. I have felt it very strong, and I am grateful.:)
I am tired of being so dang needy. I am tired of not having the energy to take care of my family. I know this is a short period in my life. And it won't last forever. And I am grateful for how it makes me slow down and enjoy this period of my family life. I believe Heavenly Father is SO SMART, and that His plans are perfect. The way pregnancy is set up is a perfect plan, and conducive to more than one child.:) I really believe that.:) I just am tired. I want to be MORE. And I want to be LESS all at the same time.
I am homesick for the sea. I am homesick for the trees and for GREEN nature. I am homesick for friends who know me EIGHTY MILLION WELL. I have a great need to know I am loved right now and that who I am right now and what I feel is alright. (which drives me CRAZY because I feel like I should be able to have more confidence in who I am and what I am feeling....ugh.) I am homesick for heaven.
Today we went to have our family pictures taken. I tried so hard today to make it a no stress day. And I did SO GOOD, until about 5pm, and then it all went downhill.(Later, when I was telling my Mum about it over the phone I called it a TRULY AUTHENTIC FAMILY PICTURE EXPERIENCE....tongue in cheek.....:) BJ coming home was supposed to help, and it didn't. We spent the whole trip to the photo site(the TEMPLE) fighting. I lost it completely and was just a holy mess of a woman. My poor little family to the max. REALLY hurtful things were said to me by a very tired BJ. Things that you can't just be OVER quickly. (The whole day ended up being pretty tramatic and has taken us two days to feel normal again. We are an emotional lot here...) The photo shoot went ok, but it just broke my heart. I REALLY wanted those pictures to be awesome(they did turn out to be awesome PS), and be something I could love. They felt so tainted by contention. I feel lately like I fail at everything, and that this is always how it is going to be where my needs and wishes are concerned. Which isn't true, IT SO ISN'T TRUE(and most of the time I know it), but today that is how it FEELS.
I feel very tired. It is late and I need to go to bed. I am probably not going to post this post. Not because I don't want to share it, but because I am tired of being analyzed and judged today. I just want to skip the judging and somehow, miraculously, be understood and loved. This is pregnant, tired forever clair le sigh today. I am grateful that I can go to sleep now and be CLAIR FOREVER again tomorrow. Take that you cynical world you.
55th post, I may have done you wrong. I am sorry. I am so grateful for the outlet you are to me though. You are a huge blessing in my life at THIS time in my life. XOXOXO
Just so you know your pictures are super adorable, and no one...and I mean no one with small kids have a constantly happy family picture session. It is my job as the photographer to capture the smiles that do happen and make everyone believe that the whole thing was a walk in the park ;) because come on you and I both know that a true walk in the park with kids is not orderly ;) You are beautiful and everything will work out for the best! Hugs!
ReplyDeleteYOU did an INCREDIBLE JOB TO THE MAX!! Mostly, what I should have said more clearly, is that right before we got to the shoot we had some pretty intense, traumatic moments...which I feel super regretful and sad and guilty about. I should have prepared the day better, and not make my family crazy.:) You are such a good friend, I love you so much. Thank you.:)
DeleteBad times happen, friend, and good times are ALWAYS around the corner. But I know you know that already. :) Just know that even if I don't always understand everything you're going through (let's be honest, only Heavenly Father and our Savior really can), I love you and am always here for you, rain or sunshine. :) You are amazing and you can do it! :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. It's okay to need people. Jamie once told me that if we could all do it by ourselves (or even with Heavenly Father's help), we wouldn't all be thrown down here together--we'd all have our own little planets to try and perfect ourselves on. We're all together for a purpose, and that's OKAY. :) So need away.
Thanks Celeste.:)You have always been a really good friend to me and loved me no matter what.:) Love you back.:)
DeleteOh Clair, This stage is always hard for me, too. Good luck and good blessings.
ReplyDeleteThanks Megan.:) It luckily has been MUCH better than my other pregnancies, it just kind of reached a climax these last few days. Glad to be on a better page at the moment, and feeling much happier and content again.:)
DeleteOh girl, you are so normal. I love you!
ReplyDeleteAfter many sessions of therapy over the years, this is what's written on the little paper I keep hidden in my drawer to help me when I have days similar to yours that day:
1. I feel a need to explain myself.
2. I hunger to be understood.
3. Instead, I should step aside, forgive, and seek to understand then to be understood.
4. Talking is better than writing.
5. Questions are better than talking.
I'm glad to be BJ's Mom and to be a part of your life too - the good days and the rough ones. I hope you can see how we women are similar, and feel the arms of understanding around you from those wise women who love you and know you best.
Thanks Mom.:) I have felt very loved today.:) Which I needed badly.:)
DeleteClair, sometimes I intensely miss the days of living in an apartment full of girls, specifically our roommates. I grew up in a house full of girls and then had that again in college and I so dearly miss that companionship and comfort. I'm sorry you felt so awful! I guess we need to have days like that to fully appreciate those rare, but wonderful, days filled with joy and love. I try to remind myself that even though on those awful days I don't act as I should or treat others as they deserve I need to remember that having the desire of it, that I could and would be kind and gentle and loving and relaxed and everything else, and the pain at not fulfilling that desire means that I am still headed in the right direction. I've had some awful, horrendous day in my life and I wish you didn't have to go through awfulness too. I know you've survived a lot worse days than this and kudos to you for it. You are a good, faithful, righteous woman and your family and friends all adore you. Don't forget to be nice to my friend! :) I love you,
ReplyDeleteJamie
PS I think it's funny that it starts out with "Spencer says" and then jump into "I miss living in an apartment full of girls". Pretty distracting. :)
Jamie, why do you live so stinkin far away!! I love you SO MUCH. Thank you so much for your kind words. I think what you say is so true. It does make us more appreciative and it is good to remind ourselves that missing the mark doesn't mean we aren't still on the good path. I love you.:)PS>it was a bit distracting, but I assumed it was YOU and not Spencer;)
Delete