4 to 9. That is about how many weeks I have left with another person inside me. I WISH IT WAS 20...AT LEAST. I have never felt this way at the end of a pregnancy before, but I think I have an inkling why I feel this way THIS TIME.....
I know I should just not care that we are STILL not moved in all the way, and that we are still struggling with finding things, and that the biggest reason behind that is that not everything has a place yet. Sometimes I am VERY good at not caring about the mess. After Heidi Rose is born will probably be one of those times. NOW IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES THOUGH. Now I NEED things to be in order. And they ARE slowly getting done. I have SO MUCH MORE energy than I usually do, and I am a lot more sane at this point of pregnancy than I usually am. That is great! BUT!
Still, the mess drives me crazy and I feel helpless about changing the situation(at least as quickly as I would like:).
Logically I get what everyone is saying. I mean I AM PREGNANT. DUDE. It is alright to have a messy home right now. It is alright to have not everything in its place.
Heavenly Father is telling me that everything will work out. He has impressed this upon me TONS AND TONS. And I DO believe Him. But His counsel also leaves me a bit frustrated sometimes. This morning I REALLY wanted to get up earlier than I did(basically 10). Part of me COULD NOT get up because of the crazy essential oils I have been using at night to help me get to sleep...but the other part was an impression from my Heavenly Father to sleep in while I can. I get it. Logically I super get it. My kids totally rock about letting me sleep in. I should take advantage.
BUT DUDE!!! There is so much to do. Morning is the best time to get stuff done, and I mean especially for a personality type like me. If I can take care of what needs to get done right away in the morning, I am so much happier, and less stressed than trying to get it done throughout the whole day. I am not really an endurance type person.....eeek.
The world says who cares if your house is a mess. Making your bed is a waste of time. I am not even going to go there, for all the unpopularness I will accrue.:)
I love order. I THRIVE with order around me. Order is beautiful, truly and literally beautiful to me. It uplifts me and makes life so much easier! This is not an orderly time of my life. It is making me a bit crazy. And most of the time I am healthy enough to be ok with that.:) But not always!!!:)
Out of all he voices that come at me with advice, I hold onto Heavenly Father's. And I will tell you why. He sees the biggest picture. THE WHOLE PICTURE. He knows when this baby is coming. He knows me and my limits and the limits of my family(AND THE LIMITS OF MY HUSBAND...poor man...:). I know that even if Heavenly Father's advice doesn't make the clearest sense to me, that in the end I will see how His words of knowledge for my life circumstances were THE MOST LOGICAL. He knows so well how to make this the BEST life experience, I just gotta listen and trust and DO.
QUESTION: Whose voices pull you the most? Your Mom, the world, Heavenly Father, YOU....etc?
The voice that pulls me the most is my husband's voice. He says, "let's have prayer." He navigates while I drive. He comes in to the kitchen when I'm washing dishes and picks up the drying rag and talks to me while we clean up. He shushes me when I'm crabby with the kids. He shows a cheerful voice when I'm past exhausted and only have angry/tired feelings. Without his leadership, our family would be much more dramatic in our behavior, but because he is steady and calm, I can be too.
ReplyDeleteI so wish we could be neighbors so I could hang out with you and get to know you better, Clair. I would love to talk to you about your home births! But I love reading your blog. And I just want to validate you--I totally understand about order!! Our apartment is just too small for everything to have a place, and as hard as we try, there's just no way to keep it clean for long. Especially our shoebox of a kitchen. There are times when I just turn in a circle and say something like, "junk, Junk, JUNK everywhere I LOOK! AARRG!!" I understand, at least somewhat. But my husband always says to me, "All you can do is your best." And it will get better. The time will come when you can do the things you've been wanting to do, and breathe a sigh of relief. For now (if you're still feeling stressed, as this isn't your most recent post), just try to take a breath, do what you can, and feel good about your effort. You are amazing, and you're making an amazing little person!
ReplyDeleteI hope that wasn't too long-winded. :)