A mental jog through ideas about women and herds.:)

This is Clair trying to figure out a part of "forever Clair-le sigh." More of a mental exercise than a "I am super depressed and need to get it out" type post.

It is a well known fact that women run in herds.  The most made fun of instance of this is of course the way women go to the bathroom...you know....in groups of twenty or thirty or something.:)

We love to do things together.  Girls nights out, girls weekends, trips to the mall, pedicure parties, ALL sorts of parties for that matter.  We just love to be together.  We rejuvenate each other with our sameness.  Our similar trials and tribulations.  Struggles with self, children, husbands, birth choices, life choices....We invigorate each other with similar interests: books, tv shows, movies, etc... We create a community through togetherness.

So what do you do when you don't "fit"?  When Twilight and vampires fill you with yuck instead of glitter? When popular tv shows make you feel downright grotty? It isn't even that you are being stuck up and not liking them, they just really make you feel yucky to the max.  What do you do when you are still having babies, will be until the Millennium probably :), and your friends have moved on to the next phase? Leaving you all alone in babyland, whilst it feels like if you haven't moved into post babies body and home, then you are just super unkept, and must just be masochistic or something.  I mean WHY would you choose to be different?

Ah, there's the rub: CHOOSING to be different.  I don't know about you, but I get really uncomfortable when I am not myself.  Probably because I am not myself.  I am not sure who I am.  Some Twilight Zone version of myself.

I guess it is a choice wherein I am choosing to be MYSELF, instead of trying to fit in.  But I don't see as that helps anything. And would it be anywhere close to right to try and choose to be someone else?  Just to fit in?  Would I be a better Clair if I liked Twilight, or Modern Family? I ask myself these questions ALL THE TIME. I mean the "you are weird/crazy/etc looks" start to wear after awhile you know? And this new experience of a million 20 somethings doing it all at once whilst wearing their uber cool Stephen Madden boots and skinny jeans is a bit overwhelming at times.  I mean, how out of touch with "reality" can I be?!

In my bouts of despair I can only see two options.  Be myself, and feel left out, or try to be like others and feel miserable inside. And that is where I get stuck.

It is hard to find the things that we share in common in the face of all the things about us that are different. And yet we are all unique. We all are different shapes and colors and sizes.  We all have a different, completely unique purpose in this life.  Our backgrounds are different. Our seemingly similar presents are in actuality different. We get up at different times, have different priorities when we look at our day. 

Perhaps in our differences we can find sameness.  I am a woman.  You are a woman. We are different women, but we are both women.  I have hopes and dreams. They may be different than your hopes and dreams, but you have them and so do I.  I have doubts and fears, maybe not the same as yours, but we both have them.  I want to be the best me.  This one gets tricky.  Does everyone want to be the best "them"?  I don't know. I think deep down they do.  Why do we settle for less than ourselves?  Maybe here the circle comes round again.  Sometimes do we not be OURSELVES so that we can "fit in"? 

Feeling lonely is THE WORST.  It absolutely distracts one from their purpose, and from doing anything good, or from making any kind of progress.  It is an overwhelming feeling that debilitates and destroys.  We just have such a deep and inherit need to be with the group. I don't think that is a bad thing. 

This is rather a depressing post. I honestly don't have any answers to this problem. Though one thought does come to mind.---> One time I asked BJ where he got his confidence(talk about a dude who is different...going to college at 12!) and he said that to have true confidence one must be perfectly honest with oneself and with others...and I would add with God.  I think when I worry about this not feeling enough like others, maybe I am not being as true and confident as I could be.  AND maybe I am not BUSY ENOUGH DOING GOOD.  If I was busy maybe I wouldn't notice the differences so much, having a heart full of charity in a real sense.  Whilst actively loving others it is a lot harder to worry about oneself so consciously.(others conscious vs. self conscious :) )

OK, so "others conscious".  Mission declared.  Hopefully soon it will be mission accomplished.:)