Only ONE thing on my mind today. NOURISH.

NOURISH:verb. To provide with the materials necessary for life and growth(Collins English Dictionary)

Synonyms: feed, supply, sustain, nurture, encourage, support, maintain, foster, cultivate, cherish

Yesterday was Jane's ballet recital.  I don't know what it is about recital days, but it really is a WHOLE day thing.  I didn't exercise yesterday.  I didn't take hardly any of my herbs.  I didn't have any really RESTING time.  We ate fast food twice and I spent the bulk of the day running recital errands with my three babies, and driving. SO MUCH DRIVING. And it was hot.  And I didn't drink really any water. At all really.

Yesterday Jane had a really beautiful day of excitement.  I was so excited too.  She got to have a dress rehearsal on stage. SHE LOVES BEING ON STAGE.  She got to pick out flowers for her teacher.  She also wanted to give her teacher a Jesus card(which was SUPER cute, but made me anxious, you never want to offend people! And then it made me ashamed I was worrying about her sweet gesture. Poor little mother.:). Jane also got to pick out some pink lipstick, and wear make up for the performance.  She NEVER gets to wear make up except for performances and for Halloween sometimes.  Jane got to wear sparkly clothes and have lots of Mum and me moments.  She was so beautiful and I was so happy and proud of her.  She loves to express herself through dance and it is absolutely magical to watch.:)

Yesterday I did a whole bunch of babies first mothering. Yesterday at the end of the day I FELT HORRIBLE.  I started..s.tuttering....and gazing off into nothing whilst trying to talk to people...and...yup....I had nothing basically.

TODAY I made it a mother first day.  You know why?  Because days like yesterday need to be rare, or else the family stops functioning.  I have such a strong testimony that mothers need to take care of them first if they want to be able to be all they want to be for their family.  I have lived both lives(babies first mothering, and mother first living) and only one way works on an everyday basis, and that is the mother first living.

Today I took my herbs. Today I ate MUCH healthier.  Today I am drinking water.  Today I didn't get to exercise, but I will.:)  Today I am listening to my body very closely and monitoring its needs.  My kids are still happy.  Today they are SO CUTE.  Jane and Denny are playing house.  He is wearing his "daddy outfit" and Jane is the mom, and they have a baby with some serious needs!  It is so hilarious to see them act out their family.  Their baby has pooped and peed everywhere.  Their baby needs Daddy most, and cries REALLY loud.  Today is a mother first day, but the kids are still happy and fed and taken care of. Cause I took care of me first.

NOURISH. Nourish yourself so you can take care of others please. The only time I disagree with this as a general rule(like I said, there are exception days like recital days) is when I am on an airplane and they talk about putting your oxygen mask on first.  I always lean over to BJ and tell him he can put his on first, but I am putting the kids on first and then me.:) 

NOURISH. Please take care of yourself.  It is SO MUCH MORE BALANCING than you would think. And enjoy it.  I put on green clay face masks at night at least once a week.  It is a good idea and makes me feel pampered. I enjoy my children SO MUCH more and can handle the crazy times that come with these destroying angels SO MUCH more when I take care of myself first.

CALL TO ACTION! Take care of yourself today.  Do at least one thing YOU need. Take a moment to listen to your body and your soul to know what that means to you. You will be so much more peaceful and happy today if you do!!!

Don't let life be a blur! Take time out for yourself so you can ENJOY life!!(this caption makes me feel better that none of the performance pictures came out....:) It is also true.:))

Perhaps not so well written, but I AM writing again.:)

Things are happening here
change is occurring in real ways
dreams are being realized

CLAIR is waking up
finding herself again

why now?
why here?
what is different?

life is so much more real in this moment
life is how I imagined it to be

so grateful
so happy
so peaceful and content

*****

I have not written a real post in awhile.  So many thoughts and feelings, but most of them are happy! And they are so very personal.  And as much as these precious thoughts matter to me, do they matter to others? And if they are too happy, don't people sometimes pass you off as insincere or gosh, she doesn't get real life? Cause real life can be really hard you know?  I know *I* know.

Right now, in our home, life is very good. Crazy blessings are happening. Change, real progress, dreams becoming our everyday.I have no idea why. Especially why NOW.  I know we have been working so hard for SO LONG. But it also feels like we have so much further to go.  It isn't like a lot of our friends who are done with school, and are buying houses.  We are still right in the middle of all that process.  But things are just really amazing, for no apparent reason.  It is magical!:)

Life is magical right now.:)

SO, I am going to start writing again, and tell you about it. It might be boring. I have to admit I want everyone to love me and love what is inside me that I share.  I won't worry about that so much anymore though.  This blog is mostly for me as a writing practice in learning how to communicate what is inside me. AND if people like to read it, I am just going to be very happy and excited about that to tell you the truth.:)

So here we go.  My first post on this blog was about my finding my voice again.  It is time to use that voice to share the beauty in my life right now. I am so excited. I have always been so inspired by the beautiful lives of others.  I love a hard working life.  I love a life full of magical moments.  I love reading about others experiencing this. And now I feel like *I* get to be one of those people. 

I know SO MANY incredible women. FOR REAL. And it occurred to me the other day: Do people think I am like those women that I think totally rock? Like, could *I* be inspiring? Could *I* be someone to look up to(in a manner of speaking of course, I am only 5 foot tall.:)?  Could people be looking at me and my life and see something they want in theirs?  I want to be that woman.  I have ALWAYS dreamed of being that woman, ever since I was a small girl, and I think I am starting to believe I COULD be that woman, if I wanted to. I don't think the women that inspire others hardly ever realize they are doing it. 

Why can't we believe in our awesomeness as individual women?

I was talking to a friend the other day about how it is so interesting that we can talk about how we are "faithful" or "loyal" or any other good trait, but we can't really talk about how we are "humble." Maybe here is where my answer to the above question is.  Maybe we can't feel that we are inspiring to others and that we are the awesome women that we are because it feels prideful. 

I think we need to realize our awesomeness MORE.  I think we need to recognize the amazingness in ourselves MORE.  It is there FOR REAL. I think Heavenly Father wants us to know it and feel it and live it. I think He wants us to PRAY to know it and feel it and live it.

Even if we just inspire ourselves.:) I think this is a really important thing. And it is A LOT less narcissistic than it sounds.:)

Today's Question: Do you feel that you inspire others? Is there something you would like to inspire in others?  What do you want others to know about life and truth and beauty?  What inspires YOU in others? Who do you want to be? It is totally in your hands you know.:) Maybe write these thoughts down in your journal today, and know yourself better.:)

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:
My handsome and handy husband built me a custom counter/hutch this last holiday weekend and I want to paint some kind of saying on the counter part.  Here are my ideas(feel free to share your thoughts and ideas in the comments:):

-For the love of my life. Bernhard and Clair Forever
-Hamaker Homestead est...
-HamkerLove!(established....?)
-OHMYGATOR FOOD
-I pity the fool who leaves a mess on this counter!
-Eat to live! Don't live to eat!
-YOUR MOM(this is a super inside joke having to do with neither of our moms, it is just something funny between BJ and I:)
-Veggies, Fruits, Whole Grains, Nuts, and Seeds.(that is the Dr.Christopher motto at my school.:)
-NOURISH
-Jane says we should paint a rainbow on it with our family underneath the rainbow.
-We could also just all put our handprints on it, that would be cute.:)

Muffins to the MAX!!!

Hope you can read this. IT IS AMAZING. Crazy Dave's Muffin Recipe he gave me.  He made the changes on the recipe.  We have also made a few changes.  We used freshly ground wheat instead of all purpose flour(did you know flour goes bad in about two days of processing?:), we also used coconut oil instead of vegetable oil, and I added ground clove, and we used raw honey instead of brown sugar.

FORGOT TO MENTION: we used almond milkinstead of skim

ENJOY!

Nesting Party:)

So we are expecting BJHamaker Baby #4 this summer, and I am starting to SUPER get excited and am in serious planning/dreaming mode.:) 

Our first baby was a girl, and our second was a boy so I had a baby shower for each.  By then I had basically everything we needed baby wise. So for our third darling one we still wanted to celebrate her coming, but not with a baby shower....SO I had a "nesting party".  Basically I had a few fun projects I wanted to get done before she came and invited all my dearest friends over to come and help me.  It was also very much a celebration of my motherhood AND a celebration and THANK YOU to all my dearest friends who had helped me through such a difficult pregnancy.

We had YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY food, and I had a henna artist come and beautify my tummy and everyone else's hands or ankles if they chose.  We addressed all my baby announcements, made a special quilt, and made cute flower clips for Alice.  I also had everyone who had come sign Alice's baby book on the inside cover(like a year book), and that was REALLY neat and special.  I love reading the well wishes and love that all those women have for me and my little family.

Anyways, I have begun to plan THIS baby's nesting party and I am getting REALLY EXCITED!!!! I think I am going to have to have three because there are too many people I want to come(basically the whole town of Provo and then some....:), and my house is no where near big enough.:)

Anyways, here is the post I posted on our old family blog about Alice's nesting party.  Super fun.:)  Excuse the tummy if you think the henna art is scandalous.  I gotta tell you.  In that late stage of pregnancy I felt like SUCH A QUEEN having my tummy all gorgeous like that.  I haven't been able to find a henna artist in town that I like, but I found a kit on Etsy, and I think my artistic husband will get the privilege this time round. Sounds kind of romantic to me.:) I am not normal.:)

Enjoy! And if you are within 100 miles of my current residence I expect you to come to this years bash(es)!!! Details coming!

http://www.hamakerlove.blogspot.com/2009/06/little-bird-little-bird.html

Color me happy:)

I wanted to name this post: TODAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES!!!..or rather today while I am SO GRATEFUL FOR CLOUD COVER!!

But that title actually has nothing to do with this post, I just REALLY wanted to use it.:)  Last night was SO HOT! I am SO GRATEFUL for a cool cloudy morning.:)  I WILL TAKE IT!:)

*****
Yesterday the TV broke for a few hours.  I think it was an act of God.  That really happened one other time to me as a youth.  I was a teen with a tiny TV in my bedroom watching who knows what till who knows what hour.  I kept getting promptings that I should go to sleep.  IT WAS LATE.  Like WAY past 2am late. I kept ignoring such promptings....and then the TV broke.  It just turned off for NO REASON.  The next morning it was perfectly fine again.  I think the Lord was taking charge of his rebellious daughter in that moment.

Yesterday I learned a different lesson.  Or rather, I was reminded of something I needed to be reminded of. 

While it is AWESOME on sick days to have the option of TV, it is not always THE BEST option. And it is for sure not THE ONLY OPTION.

Yesterday when the TV broke temporarily, I did not panic, but I was like, "LAME." Alice was sick and recovering from bad dehydration.  I would probably have cranky kids ALL DAY while I was trying to take care of her and them.

Instead, you know what happened? THEY found paper.  THEY found color crayons.  AND THEY thought of drawing pictures of our family.  Hello Mom! Duh!

Alice drew a circle with scribbles inside and said it was my tummy with Heidi Rose inside.:)

Denny drew a picture of himself as a ghost. With one big foot and one little foot....because he thought that was FUNNY! I thought it was funny too.:)

Jane drew the masterpiece of the day.  She drew all of us, including Heidi Rose, who she was holding in the picture(SO DARLING!), AND she wrote all our names above us.  Not perfectly, and with a tiny bit of help from mom, but most of the names she did herself.

TV can be a nice option.  DRAWING PICTURES IS BETTER. I am grateful for the remembrance.  It doesn't mean we won't be ever watching TV again. Or that drawing pictures is ALWAYS going to be the better option.It means that I can remember that I have options besides the tv that don't take up hardly any of my energy, which is REALLY important lately as I have been trying to get the house in order and make a baby at the same time.:)

Yesterday I remembered that their ARE options.  And I remembered how dear these sometimes DESTROYING angels are.:) I remembered other things too, but this was the main lesson.:)

I am so grateful for a patient Heavenly Father who is there to teach my how to be a better parent everyday. It is nice to know I don't just have to wing it everyday.:)

Today's Challenge: Post favorite activities you have with your kids that don't involve technology(TV, computer, etc).  What were YOUR favorite things to do as a kid?  Happy Wednesday!!!

My Alice.:)

Today ALL my thoughts are about my Alice Michaela and how much I love her.

Let me introduce you to my "little brown bunny", my "rosie posie" girl.:)

THIS is Alice.

THIS is BRAVE Alice. So brave! Except when it comes to bugs.;)

THIS is Alice the FIERCE.  She is the QUEEN of scowl and seriously gives Anakin Skywalker a run for his money in that department. TO THE MAX.:)

THIS is Alice the delightful and darling.

THIS is Alice my princess and queen of my heart.:)

THIS.....

AND THIS is the miracle that Alice was in my life.:)

Alice Michaela was conceived just ten weeks after my son Denny was BORN.  It was NOT a planned pregnancy.  At least it wasn't planned by ME! It WAS planned by the most loving and kind and KNOWING Heavenly Father. 

Alice's pregnancy was THE HARDEST thing I have ever gone through in every sense.  I lost myself, my health, my testimony to some degree, and I almost lost my perspective on what this life is really about.

I heard "your life is hard" and "I could never do that" almost everyday of that pregnancy from well-meaning, trying to validate the seemingly horribleness of my life, people. They did their best and convinced me. I felt the hardness to the max and became really bitter.  I had a 2 year old and a brand new baby and a baby on the way.  What should have been a sweet miracle in our lives became a nightmare because I believed it to be.

I stopped wanting to be around people and to go to church because I was tired of the negative validation.  This was DEFINITELY a time when validation was a bad thing, and I did not even want it!  I wanted hope! And real comfort!  I wanted truth. 

I had a very few friends who listened to me when I expressed this need and totally made that pregnancy happen.  I had a husband who was such a serious trooper. Denny had severe teething trials and I think BJ was up every night for that whole first year comforting him.  I had a midwife and doula who believed in me and the power I had inside me to get through this pregnancy and birth and who never failed at telling me so.

AND THEN ALICE CAME.

And it was the most interesting experience!! She did not feel like OURS.  When Jane and Denny were born they immediately felt like they were MY children.  But Alice felt like this really special gift from God the second she was born.  I hadn't felt that AT ALL her entire pregnancy.  And in reflection, I wonder if I could have felt those precious feelings if I had been focusing on the positive and true instead of the negative and false about Alice coming into our family.

Alice was this precious angel baby that we felt almost a sacredness about. With Jane and Denny, if their pacifier fell on the floor we would pop it in our mouth(to "sanitize" it:) and then pop it back in theirs.  With Alice we felt like we needed to go REALLY clean it in the sink.  She had a really special spirit of reverence about her.  It was really incredible to experience that as a mother. It really woke my spirit up about the reality of the beauty of the situation I was in.

I went from thinking that being pregnant with Alice was the most horrible thing that could happen to a Clair.  To knowing that Alice was EXACTLY what our family needed.  Exactly what I needed to heal my life.

All the logic of Alice coming points to lameness.  It was hard in every way physically, emotionally, etc.

Having a 2.5 yr old, an 11month old, and a new born should be the worst idea ever!

How can you find peace and healing in that kind of situation?

In reflection, I have NO IDEA, but that is what happened.  With Alice coming I found peace.  With Alice coming I regained truth into my life again. With Alice coming into our family I found my faith again.

Alice is a tough cookie.

She is the QUEEN of scowl.  She is powerfully willed and the most darling thing.

I remember looking into her face in those first few hours of life and thinking how incredibly beautiful this darling rose was.  We almost named her Juliet or Helen(like Helen of Troy) because she just struck us so much as the kind of princess men would go to battle for.:)

I love ALL my babies, but today the tender parts of my heart lean to Alice.

I just am so grateful Heavenly Father is more in charge of my life than me.:)

Today I am grateful to the max for the miracle of Alice.:)

Today's Question: Who is in your heart today?  Who are you SO GRATEFUL for today?  Have you ever had an experience that you thought was totally the end of the world, but ended up surprising you and being EXACTLY what heaven is? Happy Tuesday!!



Word.

This last weekend and today have been all about WORDS for me.

Thinking about words.  They can be a really good thing. Hearing I love you from your babies or sweetheart or Mom.:)  Talking about our dreams and passions with our BFF's.:)  Making bright plans for the future with your Beloved.  Spreading the good news of God.  Words can rock!

Words can also super stink.  "Eating Crow" and "foot in the mouth syndrome" SUPER come to mind.

Words can uplift us to amazing heights or make us sink into the pits of despair.

This last few days I have used words to communicate love to my family. Today I used words with REALLY GOOD INTENTIONS that led to SERIOUS foot in the mouth regrets. (palm to the forehead FOR REAL). During the weekend my Beloved and I used words in less than savory ways to try and communicate our hurt feelings, and then used our words to make up and speak truths that are eternal.:)

Words and truth.  Those go together in a big way.

I have been thinking a lot about truth.  And a lot about confidence.  Did you know they are related?

I once asked BJ how he gained his confidence.  What does he do or think or feel to be so confident. 
His reply surprised me.

He said that to be confident all you have to do is be perfectly honest with yourself and with others.

Now I am SERIOUSLY a genuine person.  I hate secrets.  I hate lying.  I hate manipulation.

BUT at the time of this conversation with BJ I realized that I was not a confident person. If I don't do those other things, doesn't that mean I am completely honest?

Come to find out the answer was NO.

Even though I didn't lie to people, I did hold back WAY TOO OFTEN. I wouldn't stick up for myself.  I wouldn't say what was on my mind in important conversations. I would agree to things I didn't want to.  I would give in and let people do things around me that made me unhappy.  I would say I would love to babysit your crazy kids, when really I would be too tired and didn't want to.That is what I HAD been doing about 6 months ago.  AND I DON'T ANYMORE.  Or at the very least it is SERIOUSLY RARE.  And my confidence is WAY....at least improved.:)

It is so interesting to me what we feel we can't talk about or be honest about with each other.  ESPECIALLY WITH OTHER WOMEN.

So now when I don't want to or emotionally/physically/etc can't do something I don't.  I say no.  When I wonder what someone is thinking about me, I ask.:) When someone is offering to watch my kids and I wonder if they are just being nice, instead of just feeling awkward, I ask them what is motivating them. And then it isn't awkward anymore.  I wish I could think of better examples so you could understand what I mean better.:) 

I still believe in tact.  I still believe we carry a heavy responsibility to use our freedom of speech in appropriate ways.  But I am more honest.  And it is so freeing. It is confidence building to the max. It is good to not be afraid to say what you are feeling and thinking.  It feels good to be open and unafraid.  It builds better relationships and seriously lessens miscommunication oppurtunites. WHICH IS MY FAVORITE. Thumbs up!!! 

Today's Challenge: BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND OTHERS TODAY.  If you have questions, ask them.  If you have something to say, say it! Listen to the spirit, but don't hold back.  Try it out.  It is so interesting what you will find out about yourself. :)