The most loving parent.:)

Sometimes days are really hard.  Like today.  I got put on semi-bed rest Tuesday after experiencing some painful contractions.  I have three darling children who are used to having a Mum with health problems, but bed rest is an entirely separate monster of its own.  The kids are stir crazy.  I am stir crazy. 

I have INCREDIBLE friends who have come over to keep us company, and who have even taken the children over to their house for a few hours at a time in the last few days. 

But still the children are crazy. THEY NEED TO RUN. LIKE A LOT.

And it is raining which kind of rules that out.

I am a ginormous lover of the rain.  I LOVE IT!  But come to find out, not when it means the kids are trapped inside a tiny apartment for several days...

I began this week with a personal challenge of turning to the Lord before turning to the chocolate when I am depressed/discouraged/freaking angry/hysterical/etc...and I am pretty proud of how I have done!

I have noticed that my prayers are getting longer and more sincere.  I have been really trying to have the spirit with me more constantly.  I notice when I write this blog that because I have such little faith in my ability to communicate on the page that I pray A LOT while I am writing.  I can feel the difference when I am writing and it feels right and the spirit is there and when it feels wrong and I know the spirit is telling me I need to go in a different direction or start over again. I am not perfect at it, but I am noticing it more and more.:)

This afternoon a couple of times I felt like I was losing it.  One kid would do something so vexing...but mostly it was just vexing in the moment cause I was so dang tired. SO DANG TIRED.  So tired.  And you know what, I think when I saw that I was mostly angry and upset because I was tired that that was a prompting from the spirit.  It caused me to stop and think about my reaction.  If I was "normal tired":)  I would still have been upset, but not nearly as hysterical about it. 

I have really felt this week that I HAVE to make nourishing myself my number one priority.  Even before my beautiful children.  I HAVE to.  I have to eat healthier and make sleep a priority so I can be the patient, not-out-of-her-mind momma that they deserve. I have to take all my herbs and tea and so forth everyday. Ever since my walk the other day where the Lord told me I needed to focus on eating more greens I have really been trying to do that.  And I feel a difference.  I am still tired and exhausted, but I can also feel the beginnings of lasting strength in my body being built up by all that nourishing food.:)

And the prayer is so nourishing too.  Making an effort to have the spirit be my more constant companion is slowly changing my perspective of how I need to parent and my role in this life.

I am still on the constant precipice of insanity and sanity, but I think I am millimeter by millimeter edging away from the insanity side to the more sane side.:)  I am so grateful that this is a life of learning, and that I get to be a Mum.  It is hard work!  Really  no matter your situation, this life can be so extremely challenging.  But I am really grateful for those challenges.  Bed rest sucks, but it feels good to have an opportunity to learn and grow.  Heavenly Father knows how tired I am, and normally it would feel like, "really?!  I have to take this opportunity to learn and grow?!  I am so tired!  Let's learn next time, when I have more energy...." But I am realizing more and more how much HE KNOWS. He knows I am tired, and He is infinitely patient and empathetic. He knows just how much I can handle, and that He is there for when I can't do it alone.  To make up that difference.  He is so protective  and is THE MOST loving parent ever.  He watches and never allows the trials to get bigger than what the both of us can handle together.  And that is so wonderful to know! 


This post is a bit babbly, alas.:)

No challenge today.:)  But if you want, you can leave a message and that will count.  Tomorrow is Friday!

ps.Isn't this beautiful?  It makes me feel so happy to look at and pretend that this is what my fridge looks like.:)

Easing our burdens so we cannot feel them.:)

Today my favorite scripture of reference is Mosiah 24:14-15.

And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

I love that passage.  I love it especially because not only did you get to read the Lord's promise, but they also recorded the fulfillment of His promise.  I know the Lord sustains us too through our trials.  This last year one thing I really gained a testimony of is that the Lord not only will be with us through our trials but He has already made a plan for us to get through them. That is so heartening to me! 

Yesterday my beautiful friend Corine posted this really awesome article on facebook.  It said, much better than I could have, some of the things I have been feeling lately about comparing.:)

Check it out!!

http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: SPEND EYE TIME WITH EVERYONE IN YOUR HOME TODAY. This is something EVERYONE needs.  We get so busy and so hurried.  I know in our little family my kids are only super rotten when they start to feel neglected because we are getting too busy.  Busy times come to everyone and are unavoidable VERY OFTEN,  but we can still make the effort for a few minutes everyday to have eye to eye time with our kids/spouses/room mates/etc.  Eye contact conversation, that is what I am talking about.  Not cleaning and talking, or anything like that.  Even just a minute or two of time devoted to looking into the eyes of those around us and really listening to what they have to say. There you go! Let me know how it went! Hope your day is lovely!

Unfulfilled Dreams and what gives us the power TO DO.

Sometimes when I don't have the energy/time/motivation/whatever to do "real" scripture study I pull out this neat little book someone gave me forever ago called STAND A LITTLE TALLER.  It has a scripture and a quote from President Hinckley for everyday of the year. BJ and I have used this book for couple scripture time as well.  It is really handy.:)

Today's thought was themed: PURE IN HEART

But now ye also put off all these; anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy communication out of your mouth.
-Colossians 3:8

There is no room in the heart of [anyone] for bitterness, for unkindness, for animosity to any other of the sons and daughters of God.
-President Gordon B. Hinckley

I love it when my life feels aligned with heaven.  It is so peaceful feeling even though it is usually in those times that I am working the hardest! Lately I have not been so aligned....in fact I think I have been fighting heaven....no bueno.

Lately I have been really struggling with comparing.  One of the lamest parts of chronic adrenal fatigue(one of my main physical trials) is that you don't have energy to keep yourself busy DOING things.  You are mostly left to sit down and THINK. A LOT. SO MUCH. I come from parents who were serious doers. Like build a house when they want one kinds of people.

(When I have energy I REALLY DO LOVE taking care of my nest.  Hate me if you want, I can't be bitter about that. I know I am odd.;)

I have been dreaming of this time in my life all my life, ever since I can remember.  I have notebooks and journals and binders full of clippings from magazines of how I wanted to feather my nest and love my family and BE.  But adrenal fatigue completely hampers this energetic, awesome, dreamer of a spirit.  I get so frustrated that I can't do the physical parts of this life that I want to.  I am totally willing to work hard, but my body just won't work with me! AGH! 

I love blogs and magazines and beautiful books(OHMYGATOR I LOVE THEM!!), but sometimes I have to take a break from them.  It is just too easy to compare my tired, blah everyday with highlighted beautiful bits of others lives.  I start to get angry and bitter that I am not living how I want to. Sometimes I force my body to just do what I want anyways.  Like on Easter.  I made the table beautiful, I cleaned the kitchen afterwards, and I wore the cutest apron ever and felt gorgeous and happy and how I want to feel. I worked hard and it felt good....I had my moment of special.  Life isn't often special every single moment of every single day for at least most people, but every now and then there are beautiful special moments, and I want my share!  But then I paid for it.  I used too much energy, and this week has been more difficult.  It is so completely vexing that such a seemingly small effort would cause such a difficult next few days.

I know that I am a seriously blessed woman.  I have the cutest, most darling children who love me and love the Lord.  I have the perfect husband for me.  He is romantic, he works like an ox, he doesn't mind doing housework or changing diapers, he gives me a massage every night to help my body calm down and go to sleep, he writes me love songs...I mean, truly, he is my favorite and I am so blessed to be the love of HIS life.:) And my struggles are difficult, but others have much more difficult struggles, or at least they have different struggles which I am so grateful not to have.  <---and there is the badly expressed point.  Everyone has trials and blessings.  We learn that every week in church.:)  And it is TRUE. It has been expressed that we often compare our weaknesses with others strengths. Or our trials with others blessings in this case. Comparing is so easy to do....

Anyways, doing this horrible comparing has put me, one: FAR AWAY FROM FEELING THE SPIRIT, and the following two, three, four, etc: left me feeling bitter, CRANKY, unhappy, miserable, etc, etc, etc....basically YUCK!!! TO THE MAX.

One of the obvious next things to talk about is the power of counting your blessings.  SO good to do, but that is not what I have decided to focus on.:)  (But it really is a good thing to do!!! DAILY!)

Yesterday in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and bitter and angry and frustrated with my own human-ness and woman-ness I went on a walk.  After hours of serious Braxton Hicks and feeling completely hunched-over-exhausted I don't know why I thought that was a good idea(besides the fact that I am in love with walking and with walking in my darling Provo:), but I went on a walk and cleared my mind and heaven told me to -not count my blessings- like my Mum would have immediately told me and would have been good advice, but told me to instead eat more veggies.:) It was kind of humorous to me.  We hear that all the time from our earthly parents and to hear it from my Heavenly Father at such a moment was funny and wonderful. He created this beautiful body for me. He also, I believe, has helped me create a beautiful mission in this life, that must be carried out with this specific body.  He knows what this body needs.  He knows how it could be healed, and although we are not always healed from our infirmities when we want to, I felt really strongly that Heavenly Father has led me on a path these last few years and has led me to specific people and books and schools of learning, and I have what I need to make my body be the kind of body that fulfills mine and heaven's dreams for me. I have the power in me to be healed.  To DO the work it requires.  He wants that for me, and it is IN MY PLAN.

The spirit was back as my companion and it felt so good.

It still requires hard work and energy I don't always feel I have, but my Heavenly Father has already prepared a way for me to do the work.  I just have to keep the spirit as my perfect guide and be obedient to its promptings. 

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: THIS IS A PERSONAL ONE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHARE WHAT YOU DID, just leave a comment that you did it.:) WHAT ARE YOUR UNFULFILLED DREAMS?  MAKE A LIST OR TALK WITH YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER ABOUT THEM.  Heavenly Father loves us so much. SO MUCH!  He wants us to be happy.  Sometimes His plan of happiness is different than ours, like in specifics(I would have seriously prefered a healthier body for instance, or parents that were not divorced.), but it is often surprising to me that the most tender, sincere desires of my heart often do align with His mission for me. So go ahead, enjoy the surprise!!!!  I am so excited for this give away!  Every woman deserves a cute apron! (sorry to BJ and any other guys who read this, it really is a girls give away this week...and probably most weeks...I AM a girl, so mostly know about girl things.:)

CHOOSING TO BE HAPPY? More like BEING BLESSED INTO HAPPINESS.:)

THIS is THE HAT.  More about that later.:)

Sometimes I get really frustrated with the limits of my physical body.  I have a whole list of chronic health problems that HAVE been getting better over the last few years as I have tackled the heck out of them with herbs and healthier living, but still I struggle daily with trying to keep my physical state stable.

After a long week of fun adventures with my folks, SATURDAY IT ALL WENT TO CRAZY both physically and emotionally.  My body was just DONE!  And there was still ever so much to DO and BE and accomplish! We had some potential landlords over to meet us, and the kids WERE JUMPING LITERALLY ALL OVER THEM!  Dear Husband was completely oblivious and it was just seriously the last straw.  I had a royal meltdown with everyone.  BJ then proceeded to take the children and himself away to the store so I could calm the crazy down!  Which I appreciated, but wished so desperately that I hadn't needed it.

What do you think was the first thing I did when they left?  I REACHED FOR THE REST OF THE CHOCOLATE CAKE lurking in our fridge.  I took ONE BITE and remembered my challenge(see two posts back about chocolate:).  I guess I had said that I was going to start the challenge today(Monday), but since I was already in a the perfect situation to try out my challenge, I decided to start it then. 

SO I put my ginormous-I'm-eating-the rest-of-the-cake-without-sharing-cause-I-am-mad-spoon down, and said a prayer.  I asked for help to calm down, and for BJ to be blessed to understand me better.:)  Do you ever do that?  Pray that other people will change for your behalf?:)  I didn't feel better right away.  In fact, I felt horrible the whole rest of the day and for the whole night and part of the next morning.

I have a really hard time CHOOSING to be happy.  Sometimes life is too daunting, and my list of needs are too overwhelming.  I get so frustrated that I can't just have the energy normal people have.  I have this terrific, awesome, energetic spirit.  Why can't my body be the same?! And I start the pity party. Pity parties are apperently not condusive to the spirit....

Sunday I missed most of church. Emotional stress tends to lead straight to physical stress for me, and my body felt so awful.  I did make it to Relief Society.  I remember praying that my heart would be softened and that I would find someone to talk to that would understand me, and help me feel better and to help me gain perspective again.  Sometimes my emotions are so crazy and it is so difficult for me to iron them out by myself, and it feels difficult to talk to them with others, even best of friends. AND IT WAS EASTER!  Who wants to take time out of their lovely holiday to listen to someone who is upset!

But I did get to church FINALLY and the first person I bumped into, I couldn't even help it, I just felt the floodgates open.  AND IT WAS OK. This person was ABSOLUTELY AN ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS.  She was in just the right place where I could quickly tell her my heart troubles and she had the time to listen. The situation was just right, and then I felt better and we both went back to the meeting.

Sometimes I can choose to be happy(I CAN!), and sometimes I just need some kind of jolt, like talking to a friend, or something to help the change  to positivity along.  Something different than the woe-is-me-rut I am in.  Prayer is often the catalyst, but like the brethren are always saying,  "It is often through someone else that our prayers are answered."

I went home in a much happier state.  BJ and I finished talking things out, and then I felt MUCH better.  Being emoptionally seperate from that man is so UNLIVABLE!!   Like we seriously, BOTH OF US, can not handle it.  MISERABLENESS!!  Golly, I get so angry that I am so often such a holy mess of a girl. I am so grateful for a husband who knows the real me and loves the NOW ME too.

I was so tired from the whole last week and exhausting weekend, but it was Easter and I still really wanted it to be special.   I had worn basically nothing special to church, except for some really cute shoes.  It was time to go do the Easter hunt and Heavenly Father gave me some needed inspiration.  It was time to take out THE HAT, and get all dolled up. So I did, and that brightened my mood incredibly. (Though I wish I had had some super sweet lipstick to finish the look.:)

BJ is so generous and was making our special Easter dinner.  My 1950's feminine romantic outlook felt guilty that I wasn't the one in the kitchen atleast enjoying cooking with that handsome man of mine! And again that my body was so dang tiresome...literally.:)  So I put on my fancy lace apron and decided that I at least had energy to set out the pretty plates and dishes.  BJ and I have a firm belief that I make our life beautiful and he makes our life possible.:) And it was lovely and ENOUGH.

My personal challenge this week is to turn to the Lord when I am stressed/lonely/angry/etc....before I turn to chocolate.  MY CHALLENGE TO YOU: I honestly don't know!  I have tried to think of something all weekend and morning and nothing feels totally right.  Choose to be happy today?  Put on something that makes you feel how you want to feel, like that awesome women you always wanted to be(ARE!)?  Maybe this, if anything in this post stuck out to you.(...I dunno....that feels really weird to write.  Mostly I write these posts for me still.:) But if anything came into your mind relating to something you would like to positively change in your life, make today's personal challenge about that. You can leave a comment about it and that will enter you into this week's give away.  In honor of how awesomely feminine I felt yesterday wearing my pretty apron, I am making a ton more this week, and will give one away to this week's winner.:)

CLICKER WINNER!!!

And this week's winner IS.........CELESTE!!! Go ahead and message me what colors you want Celeste and I will order  for ya!

ps.I posted this picture right after my weekly walk up to campus.  I took it specifically without "dolling up" first lest we mistakenly believe I live a Martha Stewart Anthropologie life.:)

A chocolate wherein ye shall crave no more.(BONUS POST! cause the AWESOME grandparents took the babies for a walk!)

You know those beautiful scriptures about the Savior being the bread that if you eat ye shall not hunger, and the water that if ye shall drink ye shall thirst no more?  Well, this is what I think.  If the Savior came today, and spoke to the women of the world I think He would say, "Behold, I am the chocolate wherein if ye shall eat, ye shall crave no more."  I hope that isn't too sacrilegious to post.  I really believe it is true.

Now before I go on, I have to tell you. I LOVE CHOCOLATE.  In fact, I was actually chemically addicted to it for a long time.  If I did not have some everyday my hands and body would literally shake until I did.  NO JOKE. TRUE STORY.  Emotional eating runs in my family.  When my birth Dad died this last summer and we were cleaning out his food a bit we found junk food upon junk food.  A lot of it was just really easy to put together foods like hamburgers and fries.  He was a single Dad so that was understandable, but THERE WAS A TON OF IT.  I know he was alone a lot too.  He had many good things in his life, but also a ton of hard things.  And he was seriously overweight and unhealthy.  I think there is a connection somewhere in here.

I know that when my husband and I are stressed we for sure reach for the chocolate.  And I think that is OK.....to an extent. But as we have gone through ginormously impossible years these last several years I have thought a lot about how I reach for chocolate way before I reach for my Savior. Chocolate is right there.  It is physical.  Eating comfort food is something tangible that I can DO.  Praying and listening and waiting for the peace of the spirit is less tangible most of the time.  It requires A TON more effort on my part most of the time.  When I am stressed that is usually when I have the least amount of effort to give.

I don't know how to express myself in words with what I have been feeling about all of this in the last few months, but here goes:

When I am stressed I want to reach for my Savior first.  He is right there waiting for me to reach for Him.  I was in the temple yesterday thinking about how much our Heavenly Father and Jesus love us.  When they put Adam and Eve in the garden I thought about how much love they had for them, and how full of joy they must have been to give them such a beautiful world to live and grow in.  Heavenly Father and Jesus love me back.  Chocolate is so divine, but it doesn't love me back.  In fact it makes me fat and unhealthy! It gives me a high and then I need more!  Heavenly Father and Jesus' love also make me crave more, but in the best, healthiest, most peaceful way. 

This next week I am going on a personal challenge.  I will also give daily challenges like usual, but I have given myself a personal quest.  I am NOT giving up chocolate.  Let's not lose our heads please, and start throwing rocks or something.  But when I am stressed or worried or whatever else makes me want to just bury myself in the covers of my bed with a boatload of chocolate, I am going to first turn to my loving Heavenly Father and to my Savior. I am going to put what I say I believe into practice. You can join me to if you feel inspired to.:)

I know that my Heavenly Father and my Savior love me so personally.  I know they love us ALL so personally and that they are more aware of our struggles than we are!  Isn't that incredible to imagine!  My trials and problems feel so real! I know they already have worked out a plan for me to get through my trials and struggles.  And as soon as I am ready they are totally there to let me in on it.:)

I am really excited about this challenge.  Do you ever get a prompting and just know that if you do it that you are going to learn all sorts of new and amazing things?:)  I am so pumped! I know also that these kinds of experiences are usually made by difficult times....sooooo I am a little trepidacious as well.:) I'm in the Lord's school now!:)

Positivity will prevail!:)

Well, my body had a horrible night last night and a horrible morning this morning.  All I can say is I am very grateful for a loving husband who listens, and the power of priesthood and prayer.  Time to try and recoup.

CHALLENGE TODAY: LAZY DAY.:)  PICK A FAVORITE CHALLENGE FROM THE WEEK AND DO IT AGAIN.  Enjoy feeling good and positive today!:)  That will be my personal challenge today.;)But I know I can do it!:)